Mary Cometh

Mary comes tomorrow and this is a very good thing. It also means surgery is getting very close. Sunday we venture to Worcester together, but I get ahead of myself. I will be very happy to see Mary tomorrow.

Today I told Bennett that I am going to the hospital. She wanted to know why and I told her I was getting a big owie taken out of my belly. She wanted to know what the owie was called so I told her cancer. You should have seen her face when she asked "what is cancer?" She looked like she had just eaten something rotten. All she wanted to know was I going to get better. And I said yes. It broke my heart, because really who knows? But as Pat says yes is the only answer because that is what we are going for. That's right. She is swinging some mighty swords these days and I love her for it.

I told B that we could talk on the phone and she said that she wanted to be able to talk over the computer- we've been Skyping a bit lately, so a regular phone will not do for this girl. Then she found out she is going to go to her school and start swimming and ballet and she got excited and stopped worrying about me. I have to say it just about broke my heart, but she is in such good hands and has so many people who love her, I really don't have to worry. Mostly it's my heart that I worry about. I am going to miss her.

Happy New Year to you all!

December 30

Well, I started the day about 5am when B woke up and could not be convinced to go back to sleep. It was like torture, but the ever gallant Pat got up with her about 7 and I got to sleep a little bit. After that I went to acupuncture which is about the best thing in the world. I think I got the deluxe treatment because there were needles in my chest, belly, feet, ears and head. I could really feel the chi in my head and feet. To me chi feels like a little electrical shock that goes down my body- sometimes just one side. It's very cool when it happens.

I got a bunch of things done like getting my glasses adjusted and going to the bank, doing the laundry and making up the beds with our new heated mattress pads. I hung out in the new bedroom with B today, so she would be more used to it for when I am recovering there. We played games and puzzles on the floor. It was lovely.

Oh, I also picked up my meds for pre-surgery. The laxative came in a gallon container, I kid you not. The afternoon and evening of Jan 2 are going to interesting.

Then three o'clock came around and Aunt Ruth came over, Bennett fell asleep, our friend Beryl brought over some great take to the hospital gifts (a warm fuzzy blanket and a puzzle book), and Dale and her partner delivered a treadmill for during my recovery. It is just the right basic machine that I need. I spent the rest of the day doing crossword puzzles and playing word games on the Ipad. I think I just needed to escape for awhile.

I feel pretty calm and am grateful. I am more and more choosing this surgery boldly. I am even glad it's happening.  Can you believe it? I hardly can. But I am not going to question it, I am just going to go with the flow and keep it up. You all are helping, I can feel your radiance.

Phew! What a Day!

We got up and got B to Sandy and Avy at 6:30, in the dark, without a hitch. I think just leaving her in her jammies made it work out. Plus Sandy and Brad were there to greet B, and she loves them, so it all was well.

We got to Worcester a little early and it was a madhouse in the pre-op testing area. The nurse told us that people where trying to get procedures done before the end the calendar year for insurance, whatever, it was crazy. We waited and I got a test, we waited some more, and I got another test and blood drawn. Then we waited for about 45 minutes to talk to the anesthesiologist- we'll all him Dr. Smooth. He was calm and reassuring and made me feel sure that the pain is going to managed just right. A very nice feeling.

I am going to have an epidural catheter in my spine for a few days. They put it before the surgery while I am still awake. Dr. Smooth assured me that they are pain management specialists and the epidural will not be anything like the spinal tap I had in the emergency room in NYC about 20 years ago. I think the guy who did it used his boot to get it in between my vertebrae.

SO I am officially cleared for surgery. Now I have to gather all the drugs and special soaps for my trip to Worcester the night before. I am ready to delve into this life saving surgery. I am also looking forward to not having pain all the time where the primary tumor is. It will be a huge relief to have it out and the rest of the gunk they get too. Here's to getting the gunk out!

Pre-op Tests Tomorrow

Pat and I will be getting up very early to get ready, bundling Bennett out of bed and delivering her to Sandy and Avy at the crack of dawn. We need to be in Worcester at 8 for tests. I am nervous and curious. I am sure I am going to pass the tests, but curious about what they will have me do the night before. I know I have to do what they so innocuously call "bowel prep." That's a nice way of saying that I will have to take the most enormous amount of laxative and spend the evening and night pooping my brains out. This will take place at Hope Lodge, where I will be spending the night before surgery. Lucky them.

I had a good day today. Lots of energy, probably from Reiki. Reiki is wonderful. I love it. I love all those therapies where I am attended to and made to relax in a profound way. I have acupuncture on Thursday, then I am on my own until I get back from the hospital. I think they will have other ways to get me to relax in a profound way at the hospital. I decided to cancel my talk therapy this week. I was supposed to go on Friday. I leave there so anxious that I decided it would just be better to do without. I couldn't figure out what my outlet for that anxiety would be. The last two sessions happened before acupuncture, so Nancy helped me deal with my anxiety. This time, there is just me and that is not enough these days.

So I went to Reiki, came home and hung out with Bennett. Bennett's BFF Avy came over to play for a little while and I got to visit with Sandy. It was nice. It felt pretty normal. It would have felt even more normal if we didn't spend half the time talking about cancer and surgery.

I am going to end here. I still feel the fighting spirit and hope you all will send me your fighting prayers. Is there such a thing? There is now.

The Countdown Begins

This time, in a week, I will be in my hospital room. What will I be doing? Who knows, I hope that someone will be petting my head and God will be holding my hand. I have to admit, I am pretty scared. I haven't done this before, and I like to know what I am getting into before I do something. This is something that is totally beyond my ken. My sage friend Julie asked me today if I could boldly choose the surgery- that I could choose not the have it if I liked.

What?!?!?!

Then I realized she was right. In August was so pissed that I didn't get to have surgery first that I talked about my disappointment on and on. I am sure it got boring. So here I am a week before surgery and I am going to boldly choose the surgery. It is step two to saving my life. And I want to live. I can boldly choose life saving measures, and I just forgot surgery is precisely that - a life saving measure.

I will take my fear and examine it. I will live with it and know that it's all part of going into something totally unknown. I am afraid of being afraid, of being lonely in the hospital, of missing Pat and Bennett, of missing my house. All things I have said before, but they are still with me so I will keep talking about them.

Bennett and I went for a walk in the snow today. Talk about boldly choosing life. She is about as engaged in life as a being can be. In her new mouse hat that I made for her for Christmas (it was supposed to be a dog hat, but she immediately called it a mouse hat, okay by me), we played in the snow. I felt life so keenly, so perfectly wonderful. I must fight for more days like today. Like a flippin' warrior.

Happy Boxing Day

I am not really sure what Boxing Day is, but I know my sister, Mary, who lives in England is having a jolly good time about now. I had a good Boxing Day, celebrated by going to church and spending most of the day with Bennett and the Ipad. The storm is here, and it is very quiet except the wind and the plows.

So that means it's up in the air about getting to Worcester for my pre-op testing tomorrow. I will call them in the morning and see if they are up and running, then we will make a decision about safety, etc. I am anxious to get the tests done and then on to what feels like my last week of freedom.

I know I am supposed to keep my head out of the future, that Nancy would say that the future is God's business, but I am anticipating a lot of time healing and having to be still and quiet. I am trying not to think about pain, because I know that those folks at UMASS are expert at pain management and I will not be in pain if they can help it. So let me stay out of god's business and stay in today.

This is what I have today. I have a loving and lovely family - and extended family and friends. I have a beautiful Christmas tree and a funny dog who loves me. I have two cats who are a pain, but are fuzzy and sweet. I have good friends who love me and call every day to see how I am doing. I have a sister who is willing to come to help me for three weeks of her life. What gifts are these? How can my life be so good while I fear losing it?  I just have to remind myself over and over that I am not dead, that my life is still in me. That I am here and the fear is welcome to get the hell out of here.

Merry Christmas

And it was. We all woke up this morning and were having a good cuddle when Bennett realized it was actually Christmas morning. It took a full two seconds for her to run out of the bedroom and start at the presents. She was done pretty quickly and we had fun playing with her stuff all day. She cried really hard when her tribe of Aunties left. She loves her new scooter and rode it back and forth through the house all day. We also watched Willie Wonka and tried to get her to use the potty. It was a BIG day.

I am trying my absolute best to try to stay present and really be in this big day. Nancy, my acupuncturist, says that I cannot fully engage in my life if I am constantly steeling myself against my sadness and anxiety. So I remind myself that I am alive today, that I have to give the future (even the next minute) to God so I can be held through all of this.

We are getting a storm tomorrow. I just looked at weather.gov and it says 9-13 inches possible. Well, that makes up for the lack of snow so far. Snow Monday too. That makes me a little nervous for travelling to Worcester for the pre-op visit, but the MassPike should be okay. And here I am worrying about the future, when I said I was trying not to. Let it go, already, will you?

Merry Christmas Eve

Bennett is going to bed, having a hard time sleeping because we told her that she gets to open all of her presents tomorrow. She was so happy- she actually said "I am so excited!" Me too. I can't wait to watch her open her presents.

It was a beautiful day today. I had therapy (which I am still not sure I like), acupuncture (which I would do everyday if I could), and then we delivered the almond flour-agave sweetened cookies to our friends who are on similar diets to Pat. It was fun and nice to see people. It has been a long time since I was in someone else's house. We had a nice visit from Aunt Ruth, who brought a bag full of presents. It's her birthday, so it was fun to celebrate that too. B got to open one present and now she is off to bed.

Since we have come full circle, and I am bushed from my day, this will be the end of my post. Have a very Merry Christmas tomorrow. We will have a quiet day - after the morning chaos. I can't wait! Good night!

Super Quick

All is well. Lots to do for Christmas. My friend Susan had a baby whom she named Brady. He is super cute and squishy looking. It's nice to know life comes too, when there seems to be so much going these days. Of course it's all in my head-  the going that is.

Here's to a quiet night for us all. And lots of gratitude and blessings for life.

On The Cranky Side

The day started out great. I took Bennett to school, I went to the bank and reflexology. I even got to pick B up from school which I have not done for months. She didn't really notice, I thought she would be surprised, but mostly she just said let's go and we did.

Then I got the mail and in it was a lot of information about my pre-op appointment and Hope Lodge. Hope Lodge is the house sponsored by the American Cancer Society where cancer patients and their caregivers can stay when they need to. My surgeon's secretary arranged for Mary and Pat to have access to a room for the week I will be in the hospital. I will stay there the night before surgery with either Pat or Mary. We all have to decide what makes the most sense and what is best for Bennett who is not allow to come to Hope Lodge. They host bone marrow transplant folks, so there is a ban on kids and pets. I am not sure what about all this information made me so anxious and cranky, it's probably just the reality of it all. And I feel so good, so normal physically, better than I have in months. It is really hard to think that I am going to have to give it up. Not just for chemo, which I now realize is like being hungover all the time, but for surgery. Yikes. And I mean really yikes.

Pat reminded me that the recovery time is finite, that she and Mary will be here to help and that I am a fast healer. Bennett will be fine. But what about me? I have been so worried about how Bennett is going to miss me, that I forgot that I am going to miss her. And Pat. I am going to miss my ne'er do well dog and attention seeking kitties, and my cozy house. I've already spent two weeks in the hospital in 2010, I remember how hard it is to get any sleep, how loud everything is, how there is no place to walk but they want you to walk to build strength. Those walks are like walking through everyone's business while showing everyone your business.

I have to find a way to dread this less. I was going to say, I have to find a way to look forward to this. And now that I write that, it doesn't seem so weird, I am going to leave the hospital with far less cancer in my body than I have now. That's a great thing to look forward to. I will also stop having pain from the primary tumor - which is a low constant presence. That's pretty good. And maybe I will have a nice roommate. Who knows. Maybe I can start looking at the bright side tonight.

Pat reminded me that I never posted pictures of our stained glass awning. Here it is.

Two Weeks From Today

Okay, from yesterday is my surgery. I have been thinking a lot about it. It's pretty much all that is on my mind, and getting Bennett's doggy had done - one ear to go.

I had a really good day today. I took Bennett to school, and because I am not immune compromised I get to take her upstairs to her classroom. It's great fun to take her all the way up- I have been missing it a lot. We have to take the elevator and Bennett has been asking a lot of question about my health in her three year old way. Why can't we take the stairs up to the classroom? Why do I have a little machine in my chest? Why don't you have any hair? Will the medicine I take make my hair fall out? Oh, the medicine is different. I tell her the machine helps the big medicine get into my body to help me. And the big medicine is healing my body, but making my hair fall out.

I don't want to scare her away from medicine - sometimes she gets a fever and she had to take a little tylenol. It's hard to know how much info to give. Mostly I try to remember to answer the question asked and not to get too elaborate. I am trying to think of creative ways to hang out with her while I am recovering. She will still be going to school, so that's good. I think we are just going to have to have quiet talks and read books and play Ipad together. Like now, only less jiggly. I think it's too soon to talk about the surgery with her, her concept of time is a three year old's. She asks every day if it's Christmas. It doesn't matter that we look at the calendar and show her how many more days must pass before she can get to the presents under the tree.

After B came home from school, we walked to the park to take pictures. She's been asking me to do that for a couple of days. I wasn't really paying great attention while I was taking pictures and they are all of the sun. Oh well. It was fun, but cold and we came home for B's first ever hot chocolate.

I once read that heaven lives on Earth in the in-between spaces. I feel like these times with Pat and Bennett are my heaven on Earth times between the anxiety. Here's to cultivating more heaven on Earth.

The waiting

Is the hardest part. That's what they say, and I can tell you it's flipping true. I am posting on my iPad, which is a pain, so this will be short.

Had a good day energy-wise, scared a lot of the time, worried about being scared, tried my darnedest not to scared or worried. I miss my old life so much. I miss the things I used to worry about. What were they? I am not sure I remember. I couldn't think of one thing to ask for Christmas. I don't really need anything and all I want is to live a long long healthy life.

Short Sunday

It was a quiet day around here. We had a nice visit from our very pregnant friend, Susan. She was glowing and it's nice to know there will be a new baby around soon. She made me a very handsome hat, see above. Boy, do I love babies. All this cancer stuff made me forget that. Pat and Liz wrangled an elliptical trainer into the house and we have a line on a treadmill. Pat insisted on tackling Walmart the Sunday before Christmas to get B a scooter. She is going to love it.

I mostly stayed on the couch. B is still getting over a cold and I wanted her to be a quiet as possible. You know that means lots of Ipad and a few rousing games of Hi Ho Cherri-o.

While on the couch, I mostly fretted and did more crossword puzzles and a little knitting. I am not quite right and I think it's because mortality is a bitch. I know that I can't just give my life over to fear, that if my life is going to be shorter than I'd expected, do I really want to sit around and worry about dying? And all the grief around that? No. But that seems to be what I am doing. I have just got to stop. I get moments of real clarity, of feeling connected to the world and life, but mostly I feel half shut down. And I know that is no way to live.

I have big plans for tomorrow. I am going to Trader Joe's then I will listen to my tapes and have a nap. I have not been grocery shopping for months. We are really trying to get ready for January. I got the sleeping stuff I needed and ordered two big bags of dog food. When will Holyoke get grocery delivery?I can't wait.

Next we are going to arrange the beds so there are plenty of places to sleep and agreed to heat the house at whatever temperature we need it to be - and not worry about the bill. My valiant sister Mary is coming to help for three weeks. I am so blessed to have such resources.

That reminds me, I went to church with Ruth this morning. It was good. St Paul's is such a sweet place, I heard someone say it was the little church that could. I believe that.

I am off for the night, I am going to try to work on the blue doggy hat that B has been asking for. I am pretty sure she is going to ask why it's not pink the moment she sees it. But that's okay, I think she will like the ears enough to live with the blue.

The Hard Poop

Yes, it's true. Last night I think I was in some sort of God induced calmness. Today, not as much. I haven't be suffering from the anxiety that I expect, but I have been a little out of sorts. Bennett is still a little sick and since she was out for so long yesterday, I thought it would be prudent to keep her indoors today. It was fun to just do puzzles, and I tried to teach her dominoes. She is so close to understanding taking turns and following the rules of the game. We played two successful hands then she wanted to build houses with the dominoes. Fine with me.

Another reason I might be out of sorts, I discovered the NYTimes crossword puzzle app for my Ipad. I never considered myself a crosswords puzzle doer. I am hooked. I have done about six puzzles since last night, and would have done more but the battery needed recharging. I will admit I have been choosing Monday puzzles- the easiest, but for me to complete a puzzle when I've never been able to finish even one in People magazine, it feels pretty good. And it keeps me from thinking about being cut open and death.

I have to say, also, that I have not had time to listen to my visualization tapes for two days. I think this is not good for me. I will listen tonight before bed. I will fall asleep to them, but that's okay, it still going into my brain.

We are looking to borrow a treadmill for Jan and Feb - to aid in my recovery. Anyone have one that is collecting dust that we can use?

I am signing off now, I just don't have it in me to get into how I am feeling. Resigned and a little crappy - need I say more?

The Straight Poop

Today was the day that I met with the surgeon. We'll call him Dr.W. He is very charismatic and confident. I like him a lot and trust that he is going to do a good job. Here is what he is going to do. He is going to remove 1/2 to 1/3 of my colon - called a Right Hemi Colonectomy. He is also going to get out as much of the cancer as he can. There's a lot in there, so he is going to get what he can (let's pray that he can get it all) without putting my overall health at risk. The idea is if they leave some cancer in there, it will be gotten or controlled by the new chemo drugs.

One thing to know - they are not doing anything to my liver. My liver is still too full of tumors to operate on, so they are banking on the new chemo drugs to clean it up.

It's strange that I thought surgery was the answer, but two things have been revealed, 1. they are pretty sure they are not going to be able to cure this cancer.  2. they are relying on chemo to do the big work. I thought it would be the surgery that would do the big work. But they think the chemo is going to do the big work.

The primary goal of this surgery is to take out the primary site - big tumor blocking my colon and lymph nodes and other junk around it. They will give me a epidural catheter to control the pain. That way the pain can be controlled from whichever vertebra they use and down, and my brain won't have to be bathed in pain meds for the week. Dr. W. says they are brilliant when they work properly. If it doesn't work, it will be some sort of morphine drip for me. They expect I will be in the hospital for 5-7 days - more likely 7. I can only get out after the pain is controlled, I am eating and tooting. He did not mention pooping, but I imagine they are going to want to make sure everything is in order.

That is what I found out. I also asked if this cancer was going to kill me. Dr. W's answer was yes, very likely. That if I was 70, his answer would be different, but because I am so young, unless I get into some sort of accident, it's the cancer that will likely get me. He reminded me of some of his cases where he was wrong, people living a long time, cancers being cured that they were sure wouldn't be. He also reminded me there is so much cancer research going on right now that something new might come along in the next year. They just don't know.

How can I be so calm? I am not sure. I am pretty sure it's because I didn't really find out anything I didn't know and there is no way to know that it is absolutely true that this cancer will get me. I am just going to go on the assumption that all will be well.

By the way, my recovery time is 6 weeks or so, so I expect lots of visiting from you all.

Feeling Good with Trepidation

That's the only way I can describe how I feel. I feel very good, almost normal but with the understanding that I will not have this luxury for very long. I am truly trying to savor every minute, and I am doing okay at that. But what did I just do? I went onto Wikipedia and read all about this drug Avastin that Dr. B is hot to use on me. Well, now I am not feeling normal, I am freaked out. This is a drug used to prolong life, not cure cancer. Okay, I have to remind myself that it is only one drug that we will be using, the other drugs are for curing, I suppose. Dr. B did say at our last meeting the his goal was not a cure but control. I thought that was shooting too low. Now I am sweating and my hands are tingling from fear.

I actually thought that if I read information about Avastin, I would feel better, reassured. What was I thinking? I never feel better or reassured by the Internet. I don't go on the Internet just for this very reason. I was feeling great and now I feel like I am going to die tomorrow and there is no hope. Nancy, the acupuncturist, says that I need to welcome my fear, take a step back from it and examine it. Was I afraid when I first started posting? No, I felt great. What did I do next? Went online and found out information that really has nothing to do with me. It's all just studies and stats that may or may not be relevant to me.

And I ask myself, what is wrong with a prolonged life? Isn't that what all these treatments are about?

Maybe I should just start over. I had a good day, I listened to my visualization tape and had an amazing session with Magic Maryann. I made sure she made house calls so she can come over while I am recuperating. I made calls to folks I haven't talked to in a while and generally took advantage of the good feelings.

Okay, I took some time off from this post to think. I did what Nancy taught me which is to identify the fear - the drugs would not work. Did I know this to be true. No. What is the turnaround? The drugs will work. This is what I believed until I read that stupid Wikipedia entry. I am no longer sweating and tingling. But I feel the echo of the fear.

Getting Ready

Today was a day that I used to get ready. I ordered a bunch of things on line so I can have them before the surgery - nightshirts, sleeping hats, dog foods. You can get everything on line, I swear. I filled out a bunch of paperwork that has been waiting, waiting for what? Who knows. The right moment when I didn't feel a paralyzing sense that I didn't need to do the paperwork because I was going to be dead anyway. Super depressing, but true. Some days I just feel the future and some days I don't. Today I did- and even told my therapist that this cancer is not going to kill me and truly felt it. It was very freeing.

I also went through every single Amazon.com box that has arrived in the past several weeks. I thought they were all Christmas presents. As it turns out, some of them were just gifts. Like a nice heating pad from my sister and niece, Libby. She is not both my sister and my niece, you understand.  Also some great books and this wild hat from Tanta Di.

Who needs real hair? The tag says not for children under the age of 14. I've never seen a tag like that before.

So, after going through the boxes, I ended up only having four things to wrap and put under the tree. I did cheat and keep out the incredible shearling slippers my sister, Joanne, sent. They are not waiting two more weeks to keep my feet toasty, no way. With only four things under the tree, I felt the need to go shopping. And, as you know, I haven't been shopping (except on line) in months. After 50 minutes of crying in therapy, I went to A2Z and got B some great things, and somewhere else to get some things for Pat's stocking. I cannot reveal too much as she will be reading this at some point.

You might be wondering about the 50 minutes of crying. I was deeply sad today. Which is a little weird to post right under that photo of me laughing, but there you have it. Deeply sad was this afternoon, I feel a lot better now. My therapist pointed out that this is a sad situation and that crying is totally appropriate. That's good because I cry pretty much every single day. It's good for me, like my nap, like my visualization tapes, like this blog. It all helps me feel like my life is okay- I have to qualify that with "most days." Because some days no matter how much I cry or post or nap, I feel like I got the shit end of the stick. But not today, today I got the end with the good stuff- far enough away from the shit that I can almost forget that it's there. Thank God. Really.

Three Hours on the Ipad

That is what I did with B today and now I have an eye-ache. B is sick so when I got home form acupuncture I thought we would take a nap together. Ha! We took the Ipad for a spin and didn't stop. B is completely obsessed with puzzles. I think we have every free kid's puzzle available on our Ipad. I even bought a few. The ones that cost are a lot better - I have to say. I even broke down and got her a dress your princess paper doll-like game. She was enthralled for an hour. I was shocked at how slutty the clothes were.

Acupuncture was amazing today. The session lasts an hour, the actual acupuncture only takes about half that time. The rest is talking. I feel like I get so much out of that time, like maybe she should be my therapist. She works through this belief system based on The Work. I don't know much about it, but it certainly makes me feel better. She helped me understand that if I believe I will be in pain after the surgery, then I will. If I take the next three weeks and remember that I am a fast healer, and have a high tolerance for pain (both of these things are true), then I don't have to be in so much pain. That I will be in the pain I am in, and that it that. It was very freeing. What happened to me, is that I have been listening to other people's stories about the pain they were in and making it mine. It's not mine. Mine has not happened yet and you will know what it's like in the most minute detail. I will see how I feel Jan 3rd or 4th to see how I can get a post up.

In case you are wondering, the needles went into my head, feet, ears and hands today. I also realized that my ears don't blow anymore and the neuropathy I was starting to feel in three of my left hand fingers is gone. These are things we've been working on. I don't know if it's that I am getting a break from chemo or if it's the acupuncture, I don't care. It's just so much better.

The Cancer Connection is closed the week between Christmas and New Year's, so I lined up Reiki and acupuncture on my own. I want to make sure to continue to get all the help I can until my surgery, then I have lined everyone up to make house calls. I also got some homeopathic arnica to help me heal. I will tell my surgeon of course, but I am psyched to have all the help I can get.

I have a touch of a headache so I am going to get to bed early. Good night everyone. Sweet dreams.

Why Didn't I Post?

I don't know. I could feel the difference in my mood today and I attribute part of it to not posting last night. The rest I give to the dreary weather and my general Monday anxiety. We had a home day, which we both sorely needed. Not that I get out that much, but it was nice not to go anywhere and have B stay in her PJs all day long. She had a slight fever, so it was good to be home so I could coax her into taking her tylenol and drinking tons of fluids.

Today she added containers of Playdoh to the Christmas tree. Not under, but on the tree. I think this tree is just going to end up with lots of weird decorations. We have two bags of presents under the tree. Both bags were left at the front door with no way to tell who they are from. So, if it was one of you guys, thanks. Really, it's nice to be the recipients of such generosity. I just truly wish I knew who to thank.

I am incredibly anxious about the surgery today. I had to take extra Atavan. As an aside, I had an interesting conversation with my acupuncturist about Atavan. She told me of this woman she admired who had cancer, terrible anxiety and a lot of clarity about how important it was to take her anti-anxiety meds. She was just really accepting of the fact that they made her life a whole lot easier and better and she didn't have any qualms about taking them. I have been trying to channel that kind of ease around my meds. So today when my now 5am half an Atavan stopped working around 2, I took another half and my life was so much better.

Did I write about the 5am Atavan? I don't think so. My therapist told me that the key to anxiety, pain and nausea is to stay ahead of them. If you get too far into any one of them, it's hard for the meds to catch up. So she suggested that since I wake at around 5 every morning anyway, to not wait until I felt the anxiety, but to just take half an Atavan under my tongue and go back to bed. It works like a charm. Now I can actually go back to sleep and wake up not anxious. I think my therapist knows a lot of tricks about drugs. I like that.

I think I will be less anxious about the surgery after my appointment with the surgeon on Friday. I keep reminding myself that these guys are experts at pain management. My mom, who had her hips replaced, said that she felt very well taken care of pain-wise. She also mentioned that the pre-op is handled very well, very gently. I hope that will be true at UMASS too.

I have to go now. All of this is making me want to cry. Crying without eyelashes is very messy. You wouldn't believe how big tears really are until they are no longer filtered through lashes. I hope you never have to find this out.

No Post

I called my mom instead of posting. No worries, please. I will post tomorrow- so keep looking. I promise is will be good.

Post 111

This is my 111th post. I can't believe it. I think 110 posts ago, I thought I would be dead by now. Cancer has such a bad reputation, that it's hard not to think you are going to drop dead at any moment. I supposed that might be true if you had a bad heart or something, but my guess is if I am going to die, they will let me know a few weeks or months ahead of time.

My God how did I get onto that subject. I have had a worrying day. Not for you to worry about, but I have been worrying. What about? Mostly silly things like is my head going to be cold while I am in the hospital? My hair looks so bad, I am worried about not being in control of having a hat on all the time. This strange vanity is also a bit worrying, now that I think about it. I just have to give it all up to God. That's the answer, and I know it. I have to give up the parts that I can't control - like how Pat is going to manage. She totally will, but I hate to think of all she is going to have to do. I am worried that Bennett is going to accidentally hurt me while I am healing. I am afraid that Pat will get snowed in while visiting me at the hospital, I am worried that I am going to have to spend so many hours alone at the hospital, I am worried that they will open me up and find something they didn't know about and just have to sew me back up. This is just the tip of the worry-berg.

It's funny to go from one day of feeling groovy, to the next of not feeling that groovy at all. I feel like saying that fear is a fickle friend, but I am not sure that makes any sense. I guess it means that today fear was a visiting, and yesterday he must have been at someone else's house.

On the brighter side. We got our tree today. It's little- only just over 5 ft. Bennett was more interested in playing on the playground where we got the tree than getting the tree, but once we got the box of ornaments out, she was totally into it. She hung most of the ornaments- luckily most of them are plastic.

No one else is up right now, so here I am with the tree. Take a moment to notice just by my right (to you) ear the sock hanging on the tree. When we ran out of ornaments, B decided she would start hanging the laundry on the tree. We stopped her at two socks.

B also found two of her presents today and does not believe me that Santa took all of the Amazon.com boxes with him to wrap the presents and will bring them back on Christmas morning. Boy, it is hard to wait for Christmas when the concept of time is so abstract.

That's all for today. I am going to go with my intuition and not ask the surgeon to say affirmations. I am going to believe with all my heart that God and you all will be watching over me that day and the he (the surgeon) needs to do his job unhindered.  It just seems like the experts should be doing what they are supposed to be doing. You guys praying and sending light, the surgeon operating. Right? Right.

Feeling Groovy

Today was a good day. Yes, I have to say, a very good day. I almost feel like myself. I have been eating more things - like cookies, and have not had a bad reaction to them. The only thing is my teeth are not used to anything crunchy, so they are a little sore. I know that sounds weird to me too.  Tonight Pat made me little polenta pizzas. They were delicious and I am going to have pumpkin custard (a mainstay) for dessert. I have cut back to only two Ensures a day- I still want to maintain my/gain weight. They may taste terrible, but those 350 calories go down in about six gulps.

We went to Barnes and Noble to hang out and I splurged on the original Grinch movie. We spent the afternoon watching the Grinch, I also finished another hat using up all the yarns from the other caps I've recently made. This is from yarn that Mary sent me (really she sent a gift certificate, but I think of it as from Mary). I have very little hair left and am wearing caps all the time, for looks and warmth. I like the kind of cap that fit snugly and this pattern is pretty perfect. Next I am going to make a blue doggy hat Bennett has been asking for. I hope she really wants it, as her pink kitty hat met its demise in the washing machine.

It's a little odd to be feeling this good. It's almost hard to enjoy it knowing what's coming, but I have to take advantage because they are going to change up the chemo drugs and they might not be as nice to me. I didn't even have a nap today.

Oh, I met with the woman from Prepare for Surgery, Heal Faster. I am not really sure about it. It's a program of visualization (I can get behind that), but I am supposed to ask the surgeon and anesthesiologist to say affirmations to me while I am under. It just seems like too much to ask. I just want them to pay attention to my guts and getting the cancer out of there. It seems reasonable to ask the anesthesiologist to say nice things to me while putting me under and maybe even holding my hand, but I just don't know. I am also supposed to listen to the visualization tape on repeat the entire surgery. What do you think? I will ask the surgeon what the atmosphere in the OR is like. It's a teaching hospital so God knows what they will be talking about, so it might be a good idea not to hear what's going on. I just don't know. I don't even know how to put my Ipod on repeat.

Time to relax and not get too crazy about the surgery. I just want to normal night to go with my normalish day.

Therapy, Therapy, Therapy

Today I decided that I don't find therapy to be that satisfying. I think it's because I find the other therapies so soul satisfying, that a non-touch, all-talk therapy session just seems like no relief at all. Don't get me wrong, I am pleased to have someone to talk to that knows about cancer and can give me some good tips, but what I need is relief. Stress, anxiety, whatever is all over my body and having acupuncture and Reiki and reflexology help so much with my mind and my body.

I had therapy today and actually left feeling more anxious than when I arrived. I told her and she suggested I choose to leave the anxiety with her in her office. I thought that seemed like a great idea. Maybe next time I will ask her if I can leave the cancer there as well.

I am getting ready to get ready for surgery. I am going to order some more of the ugly but extremely comfortable sleep hats. I have been reading a book on what to ask the surgeon and anesthesiologist. I am working out with house calls for after the surgery for Reiki, etc. I like to be prepared.

I am trying to remain as relaxed as possible. The mediation recordings really help. Hanging with Pat and Bennett help too. The one really great thing my therapist told me today was we all need to touch each other more. That physical contact can greatly relieve anxiety. I totally agree, but have to point out the irony that her chair is no less than 10 feet from the couch where I sit. And why are therapist couches always so low and cheap? I have never in all my many years of therapy had a good place to sit.

I will leave it at that. Tomorrow meeting with the Prepare for Surgery person. I will let you know how it goes. I took a look at the book and it's pretty interesting. As always, I will keep you posted.

January 3

That's the date of the surgery. Monday, January 3. I have some tests the week before and I am sure there will be some at home prep before the surgery, but there it is. I have such conflicting feelings about it. I am happy that I am in the right place health-wise to get the surgery, but I know it's going to hurt like a mother f'er. I can do it, I know I can. I am going to do every thing that I can to heal as fast as I can. I have an appointment with someone who is going to help me through something called Prepare for Surgery Heal Faster. From what I understand it is a custom visualization tape and process that will help me heal faster. I like that. I've also asked my acupuncturist if she will come to my house after the surgery and she said yes. Tomorrow I will ask Magical Maryann if she will come too. Knowing that these powerful healers are coming will also help.

I had acupuncture today. I can't really say why, but I love it. I love how subtle it is and how ancient it is. I came home and my intention was to listen to my mediation tape and then do some things around the house. Two hours later, I woke up. I am just going to call this a healing day. Because that is what I did, acupuncture then a nap, next thing I know Bennett is home and we are hanging out. What a lovely soul she is to have around. Don't get me wrong, three and a half is a hard age, so many questions and so much observation that it can be exhausting. But she is so fun.

She has a pretend grandma who lives in Springfield who is sick and has to go to the doctor a lot to get shots in her stomach. She is very sick and sleeps all the time. We talk about this grandma and every time it takes all of my strength to ask her more questions so she can talk about how she is really feeling about me. I know it's not fake-grandma she talking about, I know it's me. I try not to let it break my heart, and know that it's just her process and I have to honor it the best I can. I just wish with my whole heart that she didn't have to go through this. I wish I didn't have to go through this. I have to ask my therapist how to talk to her about being gone for surgery and coming back in whatever shape I come back in. I was going to say I was going to come back in fragile shape, but I am really coming to believe that my mindset has tons to do with how I feel. Okay, the light headedness is not really something I can control, but I think part of the reason I don't feel nausea is because I don't think this chemo makes me nauseous. I stopped taking about half of the medicine because it was making me drowsy and I feel fine. I even ate an Oreo cookie tonight. That is not soup. I hope I haven't done something terribly wrong.

Thank God I feel fine. I am going to try my best to make this break from chemo as good and productive as possible, with a little Christmas cheer mixed in.

Not Much To Say

That's the truth. It took forever for Bennett to fall asleep. I am feeling a little antsy, and my mind is a little blank. The good news is I feel pretty good and if this continues I might feel normal by the time the surgery happens. I have an appointment with the surgeon on Friday, December 17 with a feeling the surgery will not be until the first week in January. I guess that will have to do. I guess they don't do much surgery between Christmas and New Year's. Even surgeons need a holiday break, I guess.

I was diagnosed in the summer. So many things were closed, doctors on vacation etc, that it was frustrating and scary. So it seems fitting that my surgery would fall at a time - almost 6 months later - when things are closed and doctors are on vacation.  It seems my fate to wait until everyone is rested and relaxed. That is me trying to look at the silver lining.

Other than that, all is okay. I will keep dreaming of getting through the surgery to the other side where there will be a BLT waiting for me. Not BLT soup, which I would be more than happy to try, but a real BLT. Have one for me, will you?

I Want a Sandwich

A nice crusty panini with bacon, a fat slice of tomato and some mayo. I can have some mayo, and I had some bacon in the last of the really good sweet potato soup Sandy brought over. I also want a bowl full of spicy shrimp, pad thai, pho, or just a humble burrito. Soon, I hope. I hope with this surgery that I will be able to eat, just eat. I know it depends on how much of my colon they take - that can mean serious digestive issues. This is not the time to worry, just to dream. Right now I am dreaming of a steaming bowl of red curry coconut with sticky rice and a nice spring roll on the side.

Sleepy Sunday

Yep, another day with the vast majority of time in bed. I made it to church, came home and played with Bennett until Aunt Ruth came over. Then I passed out - not literally, but went to bed and slept for an hour and a half. I qualified the passing out part, because I have been very light-headed all day. Several times today I had to quickly sit back down. Not a great feeling.

Interestingly, you'd think I'd be happier with the good news and all. But I have quickly moved on to worrying about the surgery. Actually the after part, the pain, how to manage Bennett not elbowing me in the gut like she does a million times as day. And who is going to help Pat? I feel such a deep sense of guilt about it all, I can't make it go away. Keeping Pat from work, not being able to carry the laundry. Mostly I wonder what I am good for these days. Pat keeps reminding me that my job is to go to therapies and heal, and I know that's true, it's just hard for me. As you know.

You know it's all really about trying to figure out who I am as a person with cancer. I didn't think it would change me quite as much as it has. I have to say that I am pretty sure it has not brought out the best in me. At least not yet, I hope that will happen soon. It's hard to feel like my old self when I feel so crappy and the world seems so foreign.  I am an expert at so many things that I can't do anymore, and a novice at the things I am supposed to do.

I will just keep praying for a nice clear pink liver and a golden clean abdomen so I can get back to those things. The praying is good in so many ways, and thanks for yours. I appreciate them so much.

Change of Plans

Just a super quick post tonight. Stayed in bed most of the day and only got out of bed to go to Barnes and Noble to watch B perform with her school. We may have been the only parents there without a camera. Luckily Aunt Julie saved the day and took this picture of B with Curious G.

They look a lot alike - curious...

The change of plan is the surgery is not until after Christmas. Still don't know the date, but Dr B called last night to say there was a misunderstanding between him and the surgeon about when my last chemo was. We have to wait a little longer until my WBC recover and the chemo is not so fresh. I sort of feel like I am going to get a nice break- then I remember that surgery part.

The timing change is good in some ways and bad in others. I like to get things done, so was happy to think it might happen in the next week or two. It gives us more time to prepare and arrange for help. We are going to be calling on all of you - 4-6 weeks recovery is a long time. Postponing also gives me more time to worry about what it's going to be like.

I have had a good experience at that hospital, so I am happy about that. I am worried about the pain, getting snowed in, all kinds of things.

I am not going to get into it, it's just the game fear is playing with me. Screw you, fear, get out.

Tonight an early night to bed and hopefully deep deep sleep. That is what I need.

Today was the Day

Thank God we got some good news today. No new cancer, some tumors shrunk and everything else stayed the same. The next step is surgery. And soon. They want to do it before Christmas. I will know more on Monday when I call to schedule a consultation with the surgeon.  They want to move quickly because if it is not done within the next few weeks, I will have to have another chemo blast and that will delay the surgery and on and on. So Merry Christmas to me.

This is why the surgery is a good thing. It will take out the primary tumor, the parts of my colon that perforated, the cancerous lymph nodes and peritoneum. The idea is to get all of this out, especially the part of my colon that perforated, so they can use more aggressive drugs on my liver. This surgery will not touch the liver. Another good thing is I might be able to eat more normally, and will be in less pain (after the big giant pain of surgery).

Dr B. is hot to use a drug called Avastin. It is supposed to be a super tumor shrinker. So fast, in fact, that colons that have perforated will rip if it used. That is why they have to get that section of colon out of there. Chemo will start again as soon as 6 weeks after surgery- depending on how quickly I heal. That seems a little mean, but I am going to believe this is the best course of action to get this unwelcome crap out of my body.

I am not afraid of surgery. I am afraid of the pain, how Pat and Bennett will cope, what chemo might be like after surgery but these are all things that can wait. For tonight I am just going to revel in the fact that I have less cancer in me than I did four months ago and that makes me pretty happy. Oh, it was almost hard to use that word. It's been a long time since I've had any good news about this process, and now I have some. Yay.

Tomorrow's The Day

And I have been wigged out all day. I couldn't even relax during reflexology. The music was wrong, I had terrible thoughts zooming in and out of my mind, it was a bad scene. I called my mom who told me to find something distracting and hard. So I downloaded some puzzles on my Ipad and spent the evening with Bennett doing puzzles. They weren't hard, but they were distracting - as was Bennett and her lovely way.

Aunt Julie will have B while we travel the miles to get to Worcester, return the pump then wait for Dr B. I keep trying to picture him as a saint to help me see him as a benevolent force, but it's hard. Pat and I decided we don't need to know the details of the scans, we just need to know what we are going to do moving forward. If this chemo is not working, then what? If it is, how long do we do it until the next scan or whatever kind of check I am supposed to get?

I have friends who have loved their oncologists. I really wanted that to be true for me too. I want to love Dr B. I want to connect with him and feel like we are working on this project together. I don't know what's missing. I think it must be my aching fear that I suffer from every time I see him. Our very first meeting I had to put my head between my legs to not hyperventilate. I think of myself as pretty tough, but in this case I need softer delivery of information. But really how can this kind of information be delivered any way but how I hear it through the fear-filter.

So I will know a lot more tomorrow and hopefully I will feel like posting it. If I need to hide under the covers and not post, I know you will understand. I am actually doing more stewing than posting, so I should stop soon. I want to be a braver more graceful person. I want to write a post about how we are going to Worcester and are sure we are going to get good news. It's hard to feel that way, when most often it hasn't been true. Maybe tomorrow will be my day where it all turns around and I start to love my oncologist.

Chemo Today

Well, the Neulasta did its job - my WBC were 4700. That is 4300 more than the first time I did this dose without Neulasta. I was pretty out of it then. I feel completely wiped out tonight so only  a short post.

Chemo went fine, I have my pump. Ruth drove me and Liz took care of Bennett. Sandy brought soup for me and lollies for Bennett. The sunroof on the new car leaked all over Pat while she was driving home from work and that will need to get fixed ASAP.

I am going to bed. Goodnight and thanks for all the good wishes. They are working.

3 More Days + Chemo Tomorrow

How can it be that I have to wait for test results and have chemo at the same time? It seems like the meanest combination of things. My friend Kathy sent this article about how hard it is to wait for test results and it is true. I am not sure that I agree that it is better to know a hard diagnosis than to wait, but I know both are super hard. That's putting it mildly, really it all totally bites.

I had an incredibly anxious morning and it was especially difficult because I could almost call yesterday a serene day. The contrast made today's anxiety even harder. I had acupuncture which was again sort of mysterious. I asked a lot of questions this time. I thought she would put the needles in exactly the same places as last time, but no. This time the she did a organ detox which involved a bunch of needles up and down either side of my spine, one in my foot, and one on the side of my neck. It was really interesting and relaxing. Those needles stayed in for 15 minutes and then she did some acupuncture where she just put the needles in and out - in my knees, shins and the tops of my feet. I don't know if all of this detail is interesting, but since acupuncture is so new and mysterious to me, I want to tell about it. It's not like reflexology or Reiki which are so immediate and hands on. This is almost more of a leap of faith for me. I would have thought it would be the opposite - another mystery, another leap of faith.

I have chemo tomorrow. I am really praying for good WBC counts so that we can keep going. I have felt pretty good to very good for the past two weeks. Of course lots of naps help and Pat has been really concentrating on making sure I eat and have lots of tea. It really makes a difference because I forget to eat and when she hands me a bowl of warm pumpkin custard with cream on it, I just eat it and it even tastes good. I hardly ever think of opening the refrigerator, it just doesn't cross my mind. Jaw dropping, I know.

Pat and Bennett are making cookie dough right now. I can count on hot almond cookies later. I'll give you an update on my weight tomorrow. I have been trying really hard to maintain and even gain weight. Last time I was at the doc, I had gained four pounds. I would like to have that be true again. I am not feeling quite as gaunt as I was. That is a good thing.

Okay everyone one, it's that time again. Light and prayers for a good chemo please. Thank you from the bottom of my heart, I couldn't have made this far without your prayers, help and light. You all are my light.

4 Days to Go

And when I think about it, it totally freaks me out. It's not on my mind all the time, but when it is I have two modes. 1) The cancer didn't respond, has grown five times its size in the past four months, there is no hope, go home. 2) Super results, let's keep going and head towards surgery. I am sure it's really something in between. Some results, need more chemo, let's tweak the drugs, etc.

This is the first time I've done this so I feel pretty scared. I know that is not a new thing to post, but this feels different. Mostly my fear has been of the great unknown, this is about a specific test and what we are going to do based on it. I know this test is not going to tell me how long I am going to live, because this test did not involve a crystal ball, but it will definitely let us know if we are on the right track. It doesn't help that the type of cancer I have is KRAS Mutant type - which means it's a bit more drug resistant. I just went to find a link for you and now am having a mild panic attack, no joke. You'll just have to do the research on your own and not tell me about it. I've already told you what I know- that it is drug resistant, and they are looking for ways to get around that.

So, now I have to get myself out of the panic I haven't felt all day. I will talk about my day instead. Started with a nice morning of playing on the Ipad with B, went to the park for a couple of hours with a nice visit from Aunt Ruth, came home and hung out with B until Pat got home for a few hours. Read Christmas stories to Bennett for bedtime and she said "I want Santa to come to this home." She was totally psyched when I told her that he would be coming in a few weeks.

Let's hope that my visualizing Dr B as a saint will help the Universe know that I need some hopeful news. I really really really really need some hopeful news. I can't believe that I looked at the Internet, by doing that I really screwed up the peaceful way I was feeling. That I why I can't go on the Internet. I think I have to go have a good cry now.

5 More Days

It's like my own Advent calendar - counting down the days. In this case it is not the baby Jesus I am waiting for but the results from the scan and what the next course of action is. In case you couldn't tell, I went to church this morning. The first Sunday of Advent, which I have learned is waiting for Christmas and the above mentioned birth. The sermon was all about waiting and how hard it is. It was so apropos that I started crying. I don't think Pastor Barbara knows what to do with me. I sit in the front, I nod my head a lot and never know when to stand or sit. No one is sitting in front of me, so I have to turn around to know what to do. It's okay, I think. It's just good to be there.

So, I went to church, came home and hung around with P&B. I cut both Pat and Bennett's hair and Pat gave me a sad little trim around the ears. Bennett does not like it when I am not wearing a hat. Tonight I took it off to read stories and she told me to put my hat on to cover my figgelly hair. It's so interesting because she doesn't care that I nap every afternoon, that she often comes home from school to find me napping or resting. She does care that I can't pick her up, but now she's used to it. The hair, she does not like. I am happy to wear hats for her. I am much more self-conscious than I thought I would be. I am not going to go on and on, because I already have gone on and on about my hair, as you know.

Pat took B to aunties and I took a long and very sweet nap. I don't know what made this nap so good, maybe because I slept deeply and most of my naps are really just me with my eyes closed listening to soothing pan pipes and waves. That's pretty good too.

That was my day, a little dinner and bed times stories for B and now I am posting. And waiting. And waiting some more. Any ideas to make the waiting easier? Distractions you know about that don't involve leaving the house? I never understood why I didn't see more bald people with cancer out and about, now I know. We are all at home, bone tired and scared to our core of germs. So we stay home and wait...

Scanxiety

I had my scan today. It was mostly fine. The hospital was very quiet because of the holiday weekend. I didn't see another patient, and only two or three workers. The first person who helped me had on a sweatshirt that said "prayer, the original wireless connection." I took that as a good sign.

The scan went exactly as I described yesterday - way too much tropical flavored Barium drink. No radio isotopes, I guess, just barium. I drank it over the hour, they popped me in the machine, made me feel like I peed my pants, took the images and when we were done I started to shake uncontrollably- teeth chattering the whole bit. They wrapped me in hot blankets and let me lie down for a few minutes, it was weird. Ruth says it was my body's way of releasing tension and anxiety. I believe that because after the scan, lying in those hot blankets, I could have fallen right to sleep.

I had to wait to get home to do that. I got home around noon, took a full pill of Atavan and crawled into bed. I needed it. I slept for about an hour and half and had a nice afternoon with Pat and Bennett. I think I still feel a little of that Atavan all these hours later - very calm.  It could also be that I am so grateful the scan is done. I don't know.

I do know, however, that this week is going to be hard to get through. Just day by day, that's the only way to get through it. I have chemo on Wednesday - another big one with Neulasta. I am not nervous about that this time. Unless there's some cumulative effect I don't know about. There is always so much that I don't know about.

At the beginning of November, when Pat and I wrote everything down on the calendar, November seemed like it was going to be impossible to get through. And now we are almost through it. Thank God. I have to admit all of the things we thought we were going to be able to do, we couldn't do. But that's okay. We all just did what we needed to do, with tons of help. and we got by relatively unscathed. So far. So let's all keep our fingers crossed that the week goes okay. I am hoping for as much patience as I can muster. So far, so good.

Scan Tomorrow

Yikes! I am nervous. I am trying not to be, because I know exactly what happens when you get a CT scan. I will describe it for those of you who have not had the pleasure. First you can't eat or drink anything four hours before the procedure - since my scan is at 8:45 that pretty much means nothing after I fall asleep tonight. You get there, they put you in a Johnny gown and then the worst part - you have to drink about four or five cups of this nasty nasty liquid that is flavored in a way that is supposed to cover the taste (so far I have had coconut twice and eggnog once - how about a nice chocolate? Eggnog? Really.) of the radio isotopes or whatever they are putting in me to make my insides light up. Then I have to wait an hour for the liquid to travel throughout my digestive system. Then just before the scan. two more indignities - another cup of nasty goop and a shot of something through an IV that literally makes you feel like you've wet your pants right there. It is the most uncanny feeling. Then they strap your arms over your head, and put you in a giant donut shaped machine that tells you when to breathe and not breathe and makes a lot of banging noise. The room is freezing and dark and loud, and for some reason the light is always blue. I wish I could remember how long the scan takes, I remember the PET scan was 26 minutes because I asked while I was stuck in a claustrophobic beige tube. I only opened my eyes once and then started praying like mad. It was really scary.

This is nothing, absolutely nothing, compared to a liver biopsy which is about the worst procedure I've ever experienced in my life. I am not even going to continue writing about it, just know it was horrible and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy (if I had one).

As procedures go - liver biopsy worst, PET scan second worst, CT scan not that bad. Honestly, it's the week long wait for what the tumor board has to say that is going to be the hardest. I am just trying to give it to God and hope for the best. What is the best? Totally spontaneous remission. Okay, if I can't have that, I will take significant tumor shrinkage. So, put on your best light gathering equipment and send that light my way. Pray, gather and send light, light a candle, whatever, just think tiny disappearing tumors.  Thanks,

I will get the results on Friday, Dec 3 at 1. I will, of course, be posting about it that night - good or bad. You all deserve to know asap since we are all in this together.

ChemoCoaster

A ride you never want to go on - the ChemoCoaster. Up and down, up and down and around. For some people it makes you barf your brains out, for others it's just whips you around until you don't know who you are anymore.

That is how I have been feeling. I just don't know who I am anymore. I have this crazy life of going to different therapies and doctors all the time. I have to arrange for ride because I can't really drive for that long, I have to nap at least once a day, I have no hair on my legs (and other places that shall remain nameless), and I don't really want to eat. What? I never understood when people used to say they ate for fuel, now I do. It's pretty much a must do these days, not a big pleasure like it used to be. And I don't get to floss my teeth, for those of you who are not flossers, this is a big deal for those of us who flossed religiously. And I seriously want to want to eat a feast, then floss afterwards.

I had a nice thanksgiving-esque meal, turkey broth from Theo and Pat's pumpkin custard. Isn't that what Tday is about anyway, the bird and the pie and I got a bit of both. Round it out with some potato soup and it was good. The best part of the day was Pat and I got to have time to ourselves. A nap and lots of talking. We agreed it would be best if I lived a long full life. That has got to be my main focus. I am planner and I have been planning for death. I have to admit this. I have been making sure our money is in order, that all paperwork is in both our names, or just Pat's, I even have the room for hospice time picked out. And now I feel like I have to start getting rid of my stuff so Pat doesn't have to deal with it. It just doesn't make sense to get rid my clothes, but that's how I feel. It is another thing that makes me not really know myself. As crazy as this sounds, some of the things I've done are just good and smart and others are over the top. Pat says she likes my junk around and that I am not going anywhere and that if she died tomorrow, I would be left with all her junk. And I like her junk around, so there.

Tomorrow I have therapy and Reiki. No shopping for me. It's going to be all on line this year for me. I better get at it - only a few weeks until Christmas and I have a three year old who needs more books and Calico Critters.

So thanks for taking a ride with me tonight, I hope you had an excellent feast and spent time on gratitude. I've been talking a lot today about it, and it really helps.

Thanksgiving Eve

So, it's the night before Thanksgiving and all is quiet. Bennett is sleeping, Pat is poking around the kitchen and I am posting. Not much to report, except I have a new meditation recording that both times I listened to it, at the end I was hungry. I haven't been hungry in months. I have been eating what and when I need to, trying in many cases not to taste, but just to get it down. What is this hunger about? I don't know, but I ate and it was good. Don't get me wrong, I ate an Ensure shake that I make with peanut butter and ice cream - about 700 calories. I make one every day, and it is helping me maintain my weight. You'd think, what a treat, but after a few weeks, it's just another thing to get through - like all the pills.

I digress, the new mediation recording was sent home with Pat from our friend Bobbin, who scoured the library for healing books and CDs. I am going to have Pat listen to this one. It's intense because part of it is imagining one year from now, five years, ten years from now in a healthy body doing the things you love. It's the first time in a long time that I've thought even beyond the next year. Beyond chemo, surgery, pain, hospice, death. You all know, because you all are here with me.

I had a pretty good day. I walked the dog with Pat, came home and took a nap at 9am- I crashed for about an hour and half. That was a surprise. Then we picked up Bennett who had a half day at school, played with her, took another nap. This was not a sleeping nap, but listening to the above mentioned recordings. I am so grateful to have had enough energy to play blocks with B when I got up and then hang out with Aunt Ruth.

I am going to try to maintain an attitude of gratitude for the time being. Remind me if I slip back into gallows mode. Sometimes it's hard for me to get out of it without some pushing and pulling. I have it on good authority from my friend Kathy that gratitude can combat the chemical response of anxiety and fear. I will keep you posted.

Warrior Napping

That's what I've got to think of my days as - warrior napping to support my healing and fighting. I went to my first acupuncture appointment today. It was really different than I thought it would be. I thought there would be a lot more needles and that they would be in my abdomen and feet. Nope. Nancy, the acupuncturist, put about six needles in my left ear, one on the top of my head, one in my abdomen and a bunch on my shins. I really felt the one on the top of my head - it was like a full body shiver. That was my feeling the chi. That was it, then I spent about 20 minutes on the table with the needles in, almost fell asleep, and was told to go home and take a nap if I could. She didn't have to tell me twice, as I am becoming an expert in napping. I went home, ate some potato soup and yogurt, hopped into bed and woke up when Pat got home an hour and half later. The idea of the nap was so my chi continues to flow down towards my shins. I am not 100% sure about this last part, but that's what I walked away with. I will be going back next week.

So I have become a person who goes from acupuncture to reflexology to therapy all in the same week. This week, though, Magic Maryann is away so I will be going to Reiki for the first time. I am excited to try this, but know I will be back to reflexology as soon as I can next week. I know all of these complimentary therapies help in ways I can't know. I just know they feel great and I am lucky to have the time and resources to have them.

After I woke up, listened to my new favorite relaxation recording, I met Pat and Bennett at the park. It was a fun 15 minutes before it started to get dark. Bennett and I walked home together and she told me about her day. The word she learned today was "mega." Mom-o let's go mega fast, mega high, you get the picture.

Pat came home from Snow Farm with Zeus who had rolled in manure. He had to have a bath and is still stinky. Why are dogs so disgusting sometimes? And today Laureen came to clean the house, so to have this stinky but clean beast running around in our newly cleaned house seemed wrong in so many ways.

Tomorrow is the day before Thanksgiving. Pat and I have decided not to celebrate. Bennett will be going to Aunt Liz and Aunt Julie's house for a big feast. That's the part that keeps us from wanting to participate, well I should only speak for myself. A big feast with no way to eat any of it seems like torture to me. And right now I am feel so desperate for a feast that I know I would leave the party having eaten too much and not the right things and then I would be in pain. So no party for me this year. I keep reminding myself that this is my year of missing, and if I can get through this year, I will have the joy of doing all the things I didn't get to do this year again. I can hold on for that. Hold on with me, will you?

Not Much to Say Day

It's been a relatively uneventful day. I still look into the pit of fear once and awhile, but not as much as yesterday. I feel pretty good, I still have some bone pain in my back and upper neck, but not too bad. I was so sure that this week was going to be me in bed feeling awful, but it hasn't been too bad. I did spend quite a bit of time in bed today, just because I could. It was really really good for me to just remember that I was working on healing from chemo and fighting cancer- and that could be what I spend my day doing.

That and playing with Bennett. I took care of her for about four hours this morning and we played a lot of good games. And it is really hard to resist when she says "come on Mom-o dance with me." So we did some dancing, and I loved it. And lovely Sally brought over some grapefruit juice. She is the one who told me about how great grapefruit juice is - it cuts through the dirty sock taste in my mouth and is just right at night.

Pat is working, I am posting, Bennett is sleeping and now I am going to zone out a little. Thanks for your comments, I really count on them to keep my spirits up - so keep them coming.

Hair Church Death

What to write about? I discovered that I no longer have hair on my legs, that's pretty weird. I noticed my arms a few weeks ago, but the legs are a new discovery. It makes me feel cold and pale. Maybe that's because I am pale and cold - we are getting some cold weather here. Today was one of those sunny late fall days that makes you think it's going to be warm out, but it wasn't.

Honestly, I only left the house to get to 8am church this morning. It was a really nice service on Christ the King Sunday. I don't know anything at all about the church calendar, but I am learning. This is the last Sunday before Advent. And I will find out what Advent is next week. I sometimes feel sad that I was raised without any religion at all. We had Christmas with Santa and Easter with the Bunny, but that was about it. I had some friends who went to church every week with their families, but it was such a foreign thing that when I went with them, it was like going to the theater. Now I sort of miss what I imagine is a comforting remembrance of an early experience with God. On the bright side, I get to have my experience now, which has been pretty good so far.

I have to say I didn't think I was going to post about God or church today. I thought I would post about my day - church, playing with Bennett, napping and being interrupted by Bennett and not really minding because she is so sweet. Once Pat found out that B was interrupting me, she put an end to it and I really got my nap. I am proud to day it was unaided by drugs. If you take 12 pills a day, is anything unaided by drugs? Good question.

I have been thinking about death a lot lately. Be warned, that is what I've been thinking about. It makes me want to run screaming down the middle of the road. I can actually understand why people commit themselves to psyche wards or go to spas. To get a break - or so it would seem that a person would get a break from themselves in those places, but I know it's not true. Which is why I am still roaming free and do not have a manicure. Julie says that I might consider truly accepting the idea of dying and then it just is one of many outcomes instead of just the latest obsessing. I thought I had accepted the idea of dying, and I am not afraid of being dead. I just can't wrap my mind around the actual dying part. The last breath part. And where is Bennett while this is happening? And how can it be that we brought this beautiful being into the world and she going to have to be one of those kids who has to carry the story of a mom who died when she was young. Will she feel like I abandoned her? Will she ever know how much I love her and how badly I wanted to have a child? I know Pat and her tribe of Aunties will help her know love and deep understanding, but I want to be with her and I want her to be with me. And how can that not be the way it's going to be?

I have no parting upbeat paragraph, I am sure a better person would. Mostly I feel like curling up and not leaving my bed. Luckily Pat won't let me do that. She is so good and I love her for it.

Neulasta Day

So far, so good. I feel finer than I ever have after chemo. Tired and light-headed, still totally freaked out, I am guessing this is going to be the natural order of things, but good. I had enough energy to take Zeus out for a mid-afternoon walk, do a few chores, then nap for an hour.

Yesterday I treated myself to an Atavan-induced nap. It was lovely, but I don't want it to become a habit. Oh how easily it could become a habit. Blissful dreamless sleep. But today's nap was just as good and I am lucky to be able to have a daily nap.

The Neulasta made my scapulae sore, my spine a little yesterday and the base of my neck mostly all day today. And my left thigh bone has been bothering me, but I am not sure that's a WBC producing spot. Sue, the chemo nurse, said any long bones might hurt. My thigh bones are pretty long. Really all of my bones are pretty long. She mentioned the spine and sternum as prime spots for pain.

Tomorrow church in the morning. I hope the weather is okay. Last week the furnace in the church wasn't working and it was really cold in there. The church is really a gorgeous Gothic style brick building with intensely beautiful stained glass windows. I may become Episcopalian just for those windows alone. If you get a chance, you should check them out, they are that good.

I don't really have much else to report. Pat and Bennett are making cookie dough, I am on the futon posting and worrying. Worrying about what? I don't really know. See above about the (un)natural order of things

I will say a few things about how I have been really feeling lately. I have been in a state of missing things. Picking up b from school, being the person who takes b to swimming lessons, taking her to A-Z to pick out toys. Are we going to be able to have a Christmas tree year? I have been missing my friends and sitting around bs-ing, because I can't think of things to bs about anymore. If you want tot talk to me about cancer, I'm your girl. That I can go on and on about for hours. I want the bs back. How do I do that? I like hearing about what other people are up to, and what their kids are doing, but it is hard to relate a little bit. Four months into this, and God knows how many months to go, I feel like I am not inhabiting the same universe I used to. Anyone know how to get back? Or more realistically, is it possible to get back?

Morning Post

Just a moment ago there was a flurry of activity and then I was alone. Pat and Bennett off to Snow Farm and I am here not sure what to do. My ears are blown, so I know I need to hang out until they are better. I could finish my book, nap, take Z for a walk. It all sounds so reasonable and do able and exhausting. Most likely I will take Z for a walk to prove that I can do it, then take a nap.

Yesterday was a decent day. I started out in a funk, but Pat got me up, into the shower and out for a walk. It helps so much to have someone with me to help me know what to do. It's hard to know how much to give in to the fatigue.

Ah, the same struggle I've been posting about for weeks. I won't bore you, but will try to have as full a day as I can and post about it tonight.

A Post with No Name

Too tired to come up with anything clever, let alone descriptive. Since I have no idea what I am going to write about, this post will have to live with the name of no name.

I returned the pump today and got my shot. The WBC shot in my arm. Sue says I can expect to feel pretty rotten tomorrow but not to take to the bed. Ha! That is just what I plan to do if I feel bad. I may do some laundry and other house chores, but I am not going to do anything to exhaust myself. Can you exhaust yourself if you start out exhausted? Some of the more unusual side effects of the shot are pretty horrifying- blue lips and nails for one. I can't help but imagine a deep shade of turquoise. The one called "severe bone pain" is another one I would like to avoid. Sue says the most common bone pain is in the spine and sternum. I'll let you know if that happens to me.

Okay, mind shift. I cannot assume that I am going to feel rotten or be exhausted. I must believe that the day will bring what it will and that I will do what I can. Pat is going to work and Bennett is going with her for a time then on to a fun-filled day with Aunt Julie. That is the family plan for tomorrow. I will give you a full report tomorrow night.

Pray for an easy night for all of us. Miss B who is still in an angry phase, Pat who has been fighting a cold for almost two weeks, and for me just because.

Chemo Yesterday

Yep, got chemo and was so exhausted I went to bed at about 6:30 last night - so no post. Not posting is one of the last things I thought of before I fell asleep. This is what I was going to post "Got hit by a truck, got up, got hit by a truck again, stay tuned for news of my miraculous survival." But I just couldn't get up the energy.  That does pretty much feel accurate.

Right now I am pretty okay. Freaked out about everything as usual. I just wish I could get more hours of the day when I am not scared out of my boots, as my mom says. I have moments when my mind is still and then I snap out of it. I have some great relaxation tapes that help, but I need stillness to be a greater part of my life. Any ideas of how to get there? I will take any and all tips.

Tomorrow I give my pump back and get my first Neulasta shot. Then I have my CT scan on the 27th. I won't know anything about it until Dec. 3 at the earliest. That is the date Dr. B. will present my case to the Tumor Board. That's the multidisciplinary team that decides what the next course of action is. I am having chemo on the 1st, so my guess is that the TB will recommend more chemo. The other choice would be surgery, which you all know I want. It's not really an option until my liver clears up a little. There are so many tumors on my liver that it is not operable at the moment - it might be different from this course of chemo, but Dr. B. said that would be unlikely. The thing about Dr. B. is that he has to tell me a lot of bad news, so I think he's more of an asshole than he really is. Since I met with him yesterday, I think he's a pretty big one. One day he will give me good news and I will think he is a saint, until then,,,

Thanks for all the well-wishes yesterday, they were well needed and appreciated. I am pretty tired right now and have to get a very sad and tired Bennett off to bed. I am not sure what the matter is, but as you can imagine she is stressed out too. It's pretty likely she doesn't know what the matter is either. How that breaks my heart.

Chemo Tomorrow

Get out your prayer beads, your light gathering tools, your whatever you need to remember to send me prayers and light tomorrow for the big chemo tomorrow. That's all I need, for you to take a few minutes tomorrow to send energy my way. I will feel it - it will hold me steady and help me so much.

As you may have guessed, I am a little worried about this chemo. Maybe not about tomorrow so much as what will happen over the course of the week after. The last time I had this big a dose was my very first dose. Remember the extremely rare side effect of slurred speech? I am nervous about that again. They will pump me full of steroids and anti-nausea, anti-everything before hand, but those things wear off probably by Wednesday night.

Okay, I get that I am worrying too much. It will be what it will be and that's all it can be. But it will be so much more with your thoughts and prayers. So pray-away and I thank you for it.

A Day of the Not-Dead

I say not-dead because I am not dead, and yet with the pall of death on me it is hard to feel alive. To feel alive in that shiny and bright way that I imagine I used to feel. Mostly now I am tired and all the things I do are tainted with this terrible loathing. I am planning on making another stained glass pieces, will it be one of the last pieces I make? Will I always look at it like that's the piece I made when I had cancer? This is more hopeful because I am still alive to think this.

Even before I was diagnosed, I didn't think of life as bright and shiny. I thought it wasl hard, so many things to do and keep up with and make and not screw up, but at least I didn't cry when I stroked Bennett's face while she slept. Like I did tonight. That balled up fear of losing my chance to raise her. It just about kills me to love her so much. And when I cry now, there is nothing to stop my tears, because I don't have any lower eyelashes. I knew something about my eyes felt different. It's all these things that add up to feeling not-dead, and somehow not alive.

From reading this, you'd think that I had a rotten day. But I didn't. I had a very nice day. Started by going to church and the sermon was about endings bringing new beginnings. It was lovely. I took care of B this morning while Pat braved Trader Joe's on a Sunday to make sure we were stocked up. I have the big chemo on Tuesday and if  I going to be down for a week, it's good to make sure we have enough yogurt and potato flakes. Liz came and took the fish tank (thank goodness, though it is so quiet in the living room now) and Aunt Ruth came to play with B while I took a nice 45 minute nap. So nothing happened that would really bring this on except I made a joke about worrying that the house would be messy after I die and Pat told me she would be really pissed if I die. That lead to a lot of crying and most likely how I feel now.

How can it be at the happiest time in my life, I get a cancer diagnosis? We are just building this beautiful life together and bam, f*ing bam, I have to explain why my hair looks so weird to Bennett. And trying to make being bald sound cool to a three year old is not that easy. I told her it was the big medicine that was helping my body, but making my hair fall out and that she was going to be able to see my whole head soon and wouldn't that be cool.

It's not even that really cool to me. Mostly it's just sad to have half a head of half-dead hair and have your kid use the word "squigelly" to describe it. I've never heard that word, but I could tell by the look on her face it was not a word she would use to describe something good like pudding or baby bunnies.

So there it is, my Sunday, my un-dead day. My alive day? I guess so.

I'm Good

But not going to post much. Had a very nice day. Experimented with new foods. We shall see how that goes. If you know what I mean. I had some vegan lasagna, some almond flour cookies and tuna. Not all together, but throughout the day. These are big extravagances for me. I am hoping I can add even more new foods into my life. Pad Thai anyone?

All is well. I am sorry that chemo on Tuesday is going to ruin this goodness. But since I understand the big picture - I am trying not to mind.

Pat installed the stained glass for our outdoor awning and it looks awesome. She took pictures, but we can't seem to figure out how to get them off the camera and into the new computer. Perhaps tomorrow night.

Until then, good night.

A Good Friday

Just a quick one - a break for those of you who have been reading my super-long posts.

Therapy was good. Liked her a bunch and will be going back. Had a slight panic attack this evening, but am better now. Had a nap, and almost murdered Zeus for barking at the UPS guy and waking me up. Finished the stained glass for above the door in the new bedroom. It looks really cool. Did some laundry.

That was my day. In there also was the same fear and worry that I have every day. Do I have to have it for the rest of my life? Let's hope not. I also have a lot of that feeling that I should be a better person, and braver person and not have so much fear. But I will remember when I can, that courage is feeling the fear and doing the thing anyway. Does it count if you feel the fear, take Atavan, and do the thing anyway? Does that still count as courage? I think it does.

High Anxiety

What is the 9am anxiety all about? It hits me everyday between 6am and 9am. I just feel panic. Most days now I take a bit of anti-anxiety meds, and as I've said before, they really help. I just want to know why. I know the big why- the whole cancer thing, but this is different. I think. I wake up before everyone else, I worry about when they will wake up, I worry that I will be too anxious to be a good person when they wake up, I get anxious about worrying and the whole thing goes into some bizarre spiral. The last few mornings I've listened to my visualization tape, but that's really about healing and cancer and not about abating anxiety (note to self, get another tape) so it doesn't really help.

Why do I call it a tape? What is it when it's on your iPod but not a podcast?

I digress. What usually happens is Pat goes to work, I hang with Bennett and we end up having a fun and interesting day - just like today. I swear it's the weirdest thing, I get all panic-y, Pat leaves and 10 minutes later Bennett is playing or painting or begging for TV, and I am just being a Mom. Albeit a panic-y mom. At some point the Atavan kicks in and it's better. I still hate that I feel the need to take it, but it seems to make things more manageable.

What did we do today? Not much. B played alone for a long time this morning. I think she needed the alone time- she is with people all the time these days. I talked to my sister Mary, Sandy and Elizabeth. They all had to hear how anxious I was. It was like I had a good piece of gossip, only way less fun. I figured out how to message on Skype and other not that interesting things. We went to the park all afternoon. It was the first time I had spent more than an hour outside in months. I actually stayed at the park for about 2 1/2 hours. Thanks to Sandy for doing all the running after the kids when they went astray. The only time I got up to try to get B to do something, I had to sit back down from the head rush. So it was really sitting at the park only, but it felt so GOOD. So normal to sit with Sandy in the park while B and Avy played. So wonderful to hear the other kids play Harry Potter and try out their British accents. The sun was wonderful.

Sandy kept B at the park another 45 minutes, so I got in some knitting. I have to make more skull caps because there is no way I am going out without a hat at this point. No way. I got some gourmet vanilla in the mail from my sister's mother-in-law- just about the kindest person I've never met. I feel the love from her, honestly.

So this is not a very philosophical post. But today didn't feel like a philosophical day.  This is a good thing. Tomorrow I have the day to myself, which is a real gift. I have my first therapy appointment and I am so happy about it. I will tell you all about it tomorrow night. Until then, I am pooped out and have to zone out until it's not too embarrassing early to go to bed. I feel like I need to sign off by saying I love you all tonight. I can't get through this without each and every one of you. I really mean it. All of it.

That's a lot of Love

Thanks for all the great comments. I do feel the love. I actually do. I have been so sad and panic-y and stressed out that I forgot about the love. And some things happened today that helped me remember that life stuck in sad/panic/stress mode is no life at all. So I am slowly trying to trust that it's safe to come out and that it does not pay to walk around waiting for bad news.

These are some of the things that happened today that reminded me of the good. Aric (Bennett's teacher) met us at the door of the school with a big smile and Bennett went right with him. Aric or Margo meet us at the door in the mornings because I cannot go up to the germy classroom. An amazing arrangement master minded by my sister Mary.  I came home and the cleaning lady, Laureen, told me she is donating her services from now on. That made us both cry big tears. How generous and moving, and how will I ever repay her? I went to reflexology and the Magic Maryann told me my solar plexus is depleted. That's where a whole host of things live including confidence. She's right, my confidence is in the toilet, luckily she told me some exercises to help. She gave me some names for acupuncturists. (I have this idea that I should get acupuncture for my WBC. I have a call in to to Dr B to see if it's okay. I already have an appointment, but it will be after my next appointment at UMASS, in case Dr B doesn't call back on this one. Not really an emergency.) I got home and there was a gentle coconut Thai soup from Beryl with stickers in the bag for B. Our friend Dawn brings B home on Wednesdays - making it possible for Pat to work the whole day. Those were just a few things that happened today that remind me that there are so many points in my day where people help that make my life so much more manageable.  And I haven't even mentioned how hard Pat works. She works really hard.

Bennett just came up to me and gave me a bear to hold so I won't be lonely while she and Pat read bedtime books. Is that not the loveliest?

All those things add up to me feeling better - or does feeling better remind me to recognize the love? Who knows, who cares? It's just good to be a tiny bit out of my shell.

My scan is on the 27th - the Saturday after T-day. We are not going to celebrate Thanksgiving this year. It's just too hard to celebrate a holiday that is literally a feast. So we will be mellow at home and talk about what we are thankful for and I will have some soup and Pat will eat her diabetic meal and Bennett will likely have fish sticks. That's how it works here.

Back to the scan - the follow up will be the 30th and that's when we find out what the last four months of chemo (it will be four months at the end of November) did to devastate the cancer. I am praying for a miracle here and why not? Let's all pray for the radiologist to exclaim "where did all that cancer go?!"

Enough about the scan, there's not a thing I can do to make it happen faster and worrying never helped, so I will talk about my new sleeping hat. When went to the Cancer Connection, they had a lot of hats in a basket. I found a hat that is specifically to wear to bed to catch the hair that is falling out. Now I have to say that when I was first diagnosed UMASS nurses gave me a packet that included a catalog with items such as this. I can't tell you how grossed out I was. These were things for other people. Ha! Now I am so happy that my pillow won't be covered in hair every morning. The only thing about this hat is it is baby pink. Bennett will love it, I know she will. Anyone still interested in the hair saga, I still have some hair, but have taken to wearing hats every time I go out. For warmth and because you can pretty much see my scalp at this point. It's too cold to shave my head, so I just cover it now. I have a feeling this next chemo blast will be the one that really does my head in. One thing they don't tell you is how sore your head gets. I am not sure what it's from, but I'll tell you my scalp is super tender.

My cold is much better.  I feel better. I have felt the love and here it comes back to you. Catch!