'Mo

Yo, today was che-mo. Or key-mo. Whatever it was, it was nasty. As chemo always is. Okay, I will tell the truth, it wasn't as nasty as it usually is. Is this good or bad? I don't know. I am having my usual chemo paranoia, it's not working anymore, I am growing huge tumors in my liver and belly, I am never going to feel normal again. That last bit may be true, but the others. I don't know.

Pat was a trooper and came with me. We watched an excellent documentary on origami called Between the Folds. It was so fascinating that I didn't fall asleep when they gave me the sleepy drug. That's pretty good. I am pretty tired now. I just put Bennett to bed and she was a sleepy girl. I read her a book about a mom who gets cancer and how the child in the book feels about it. I think it's time to talk to her more about what is going on. I decided to talk to her each time before I get my pump, instead of just showing up with it. She is a smarty, I really should have started awhile ago. I just hate to use the word cancer around her. She still happily blurts things out to everyone, and I pretty sure not everyone thinks that I have cancer is good news. So I will keep on using my instincts and hope they are good and right.

That's all for tonight. I have to go to sleep. Tomorrow is acupuncture and sleeping in. I also have to get gas (so that Ruth and I can get to the scan on Thursday) and go to the bank. Super big post-chemo fun. As Mary says, chemo is frenemy. Yo.

Hurricane Schmurricane

I did not name this post - my brother in law, Dave, did. And that precisely what happened today in Holyoke. Not much. We had a smattering of rain, and some wind, but I've seen much worse. That said, the areas surrounding us did not fare as well. So for the second time, Holyoke was not hit by a big storm (the tornado this summer, and this hurricane). This is good, as Holyoke has other problems to deal with - you know, like the public schools and the poverty rate.

It was great with a capital G to have Dave here. He helped Pat put together the new sandblaster which did not come with assembly instructions. That was a good way to spend the time while we waited for Irene, who never showed up for us. Dave left for Boston around three and Pat and Bennett took a walk to visit Aunts Ruth and Theo. I got a call from Ruth while P&B were visiting and could hear the laughter and ruckus - they are such good Aunties.

I snoozed on the couch, and read books to B. I love love love reading books to Bennett. It is the most special time of the day. I love that she leans into me and has started asking a lot of questions about the characters in the books. We also started a sort of puzzle/game book that we play every night. It's really fun to see how much she knows (and to find out things I thought she knew, but doesn't).

That's about it. I am looking forward to tomorrow. It's supposed to be a beautiful day. The day before chemo, but I am not thinking about that. Right....

Posting with Rain

Yep, it's raining, but barely. I am not sure what will happen while we sleep tonight, but it's not been the storm everyone said it would be. Perhaps I am premature, we shall see.

We are lucky to have Uncle Dave visiting us tonight. Here we are, after a nice dinner. And Dave is doing the dishes! He can come back anytime. We are all pooped, all for different reasons - Pat is done teaching, I am pooped always, Dave took a red-eye, Bennett has been playing all day. Aunt Ruth came over, so it was an extra great day with Uncles and Aunts and Moms. 

I think I am tired because of all of the anticipation. I didn't feel like we could leave the house this morning, because of the storm. And I hate to use quotes, but I feel like putting storm in quotes. I finally figured out that I was just a prisoner of my mind and took Bennett to the park and out for a donut. It was very quiet - I imagine that everyone was in their houses with the same worry and anticipation. Who really knows.

So that's what's been up. I am good. Happy Pat is back from teaching, glad Dave is here for a visit and grateful to Ruth for helping with B today. I do have the specter of chemo in my mind - Tuesday as usual.  will try my best not to think about. I feel a little worried because Pat is teaching next weekend  and that is chemo Sat. Not the best day for me. I am going to try to arrange for as much help as I can. That should do the trick.

A Better Attempt

It's a strange night. I can hear the insects really loud and the cat is acting strange. There is a big storm coming, so everyone must be getting ready - even the bugs.

I didn't really understand the intensity of this storm until I heard they evacuated parts of lower Manhattan and closed the subway for two days. We are expecting big rain and big wind - tropical storm strength. The ironic thing is I spent most of the day basking in the beautiful weather at the club with Sandy and Avy and Bennett. It was the people around us who were talking about the storm that got me off my butt and home so I could start getting ready. I caulked under the double doors (they always leak in a rain storm), brought in the garbage cans, and took most of the fans out of the windows. Tomorrow morning I will bring in the lawn furniture and the rest of the window fans as the storm progresses.

Something strange happened to me while I was getting ready, I actually started shaking with fear. I think it's because Pat isn't here to hold me to the earth and I am not used to charging into action anymore. Bennett was a big help while I was caulking, she leaned on me to keep me warm and steady, as she said. She was in her underwear and fancy shoes. It was pretty cute. We ordered pizza for dinner and watched a movie. That normal stuff and 1/2 an Atavan really calmed me down. I can't think of the last time I took an Atavan during the day, but I don't care, my motto is anytime I want it, as much as I want. And having that in my head helps me a lot.

You might be asking yourself, was this a better lived day? The answer is a resounding yes. And I hope the same will be true tomorrow as I get more ready for the storm and possible days without electricity. If I don't post, you'll know why.

Posting with Tomato Toast

Doing my best to get through those pesky tomatoes. I ate one on toast for dinner and made tomato jam this morning. I thought the jam would use a lot of tomatoes, but 18 oz. is not that much - tomato-wise. The jam is flipping amazing, it has ginger, garlic and fish sauce in it. I had some on my tomato sandwich. It was good.

So, I have been asking myself if today was a day well-lived. Not really. I would say I can do better. I cleaned the house, getting ready for the rainy weekend. I know it's just going to get messed up again, but it was okay. I made the already mentioned tomato jam, took Bennett to the book store and put her to bed (there were other things in there...). I have been feeling just a smidge dissatisfied all day and I don't know why. I have everything I need. I am alive. My birthday is coming up - 46 - feels like a milestone to celebrate. But I just feel little yucky inside and I can't name it. I wish I could.

Of course I feel guilty about it. I think mostly I am tired of being tired. I am taking care of B on my own this weekend (not entirely true, there are Aunties pitching in) and just tonight I could feel how tired in my core I am. It's not the kind of tiredness that I can sleep away, it something else. It also makes me feel more reliant on others, and I am. And I am grateful for the loving help I get, I should say we get because it helps all three of us.

Tonight I will go to bed early and if the the weather reports are right, we will be spending most of the day at the club. A last hurrah before it closes after next weekend. I will try my best to be patient and calm with Bennett and ease into the day so I don't get too tired. Bennett needs some time at home too. And I will hopefully report back that I have had a well-lived day. Wish me luck.

Pickled Carrots and Me

Here I am with the two out of three quarts of pickled carrots from this morning. I started out with four quarts, but one broke while canning. It was such a shame. Anyway these carrots are pickling in hot pepper, garlic and oregano. It was very satisfying to pick the oregano from my garden, all the rest of the ingredients came from our farm share. They will be ready to eat in a week or two. They are really for Pat, even though I think they are delicious. I think my sister Mary has made these. I know everyone in my family has made my recipe for TX Xmas pickles. They are also really great. I am thinking about making some tomato chile jam. I have a lot of tomatoes from the farm and I have already frozen two gallons of chopped toms. Eating seasonally has it's advantages and disadvantages. One that may qualify as both is the glut of tomatoes. The first week we get them, we gobble them. By the third weeks, it's like what are we going to do with 16 tomatoes?

I feel great. There is no other way to say it. I am so grateful to feel this way, the weather is beautiful and I am having a blast hanging out with Bennett. Pat has been teaching this week, so is not home until evening. I am still a little shaky, but it's okay. It's good for me to remember that I can bring B to the club on my own and not fall apart. I am not a big faller-aparter, but I worry about it. 

The other thing I did today was go to the grocery store. I forgot milk at Trader Joe's, so I had to go. I rarely go to the supermarket in the summer. It's so full of junk and crap I sort of forgot. Well, the farm is not going to last forever, so it will be back to Stop and Shop soon enough.

I have reflexology tomorrow, and I have to get gas. That's all that is planned. I'll post about what I do, which is what I do.

One of my favorite canning bloggers quit her blog. Her mother died of cancer (of course!) and she realized that she had been living in a mindset where all her actions we dictated by whether something was blog-worthy or not. So she not blogging so she can get her brain back. I don't do that, but sometimes something strikes me and I think I should post it. Today it was a little girl character on Mad Men. She said that she is not afraid of dying, it's the forever part of it that scares her. Amen.

An Inventory of a Perfectly Lovely Day

I mean we had the most incredible weather today - New England is never like this. Dry and about 75 degrees F, with a slight breeze and puffy white clouds. It was impossible to be inside today- even I felt it. Pat took B to school - we all had a lousy night's sleep. Bennett was in our bed and totally restless. I think she was cold and kept burrowing into me - not is a cute way. I got up with them and resisted the urge to fall back into bed.

I had to get into the day, and I was lucky enough to catch Bob available to talk. So the way I was in the weather was sitting in my car with the door open talking to Bob in the Trader Joe's parking lot. It was fun to talk and nice to just soak up time with him and the day. I took some bags of things (I was going to say crap, but that's not nice) to Salvation Army, and went shopping. How on earth did we survive without Trader Joe's? I came home and talked with Aunt Ruth on the way - I was stuck in stop and go traffic and it was much pleasanter with Ruth along. After getting home, I had to rest. So I did and I tried not to feel bad about it.

I was supposed to go to the farm, but I was too tired and felt really guilty about it. Luckily I perked up after resting and decided that my afternoon adventure with Bennett was going to be going to the farm. The have a story hour every Monday at 3- so I lured her out of school and let her run barefoot all over the farm. She even took herself to story hour while I picked out the veggies in the share barn. She came back and told me she was done with the stories and wanted to trade her Italian ice in for an ice cream sandwich. No prob and off she went under a nice shady tree and spent some time looking at the sky. I picked Pat's favorite veg, green beans and Bennett ran in the puddles. I just figured she would get clean another day. It was lovely.

B fell asleep on the way home and ended up taking a nap, I got some time to read and recover from the farm (I swear I have to recover from everything) and prepare dinner.

So that is my day, I am pooped and have one goal for tomorrow- to pickle some carrots. I will post that adventure. There are some parts of me that think that canning for the future is sort of dumb, since how long will I be here? I also like the idea that I am making something that Pat loves and can eat and know me by. And here you thought you'd get away with me not being morbid. I just can't help myself.

Who Can Keep Up?

I just reread yesterday's post and couldn't be further from those feelings. I had an excellent day and feel pretty great. I am still working out some physical symptoms (ahem...), but mentally I feel like the fog has lifted and I am hopeful again.

Who can keep up with these ups and downs? It's draining, to say the least. At least I get the ups and I am super grateful for that.

I started the day with getting up with Pat and Bennett. Aunt Ruth was coming over for pancakes at 9:30, so I had to. Oh yeah, and Pat left at 8:30 to attend a felting class. So I was by myself with Bennett and I was a little shaky. I feel a sort of insecurity when Pat is not here that is hard to describe. It's like the thing that holds me to the earth is missing and I get scared. This is not something I am used to. I have done many daring things on my own in my life, but somehow, at this time, the daring-ness is just gone. Maybe it's just for now, let's hope.

Okay, so I made banana pancakes and had a very nice conversation about fear with Aunt Ruth. She set me straight and then went off to play with B. The joy of their relationship rang through the house. They played, I played Scrabble and did this and that. Really not much. Luckily Sandy called with a great offer to go to the club for the afternoon. We took Ruth home and met Sandy, Brad and Avy at the club. Brad whisked the girls off to the pool while Sandy and I had a chance to catch up. I miss our time together when I am recovering. We hung out and enjoyed the thundery day. The pool was closed and there were few people there, so the kids pretty much had the run of the place. It was great. Then it started to rain. And I mean rain.

We went home. And as soon as we got home the thunderstorm started in earnest. Bennett and I were walking though the house holding hands looking for something when a lightening bolt hit so close I thought the house caught on fire. We both jumped and Bennett said "momo, that scared both of us." True.

The rest of the night has been lovely. Pat had a good time in her class. I made it through the day intact (with a ton of help) and am ready for tomorrow. Cross you fingers for me that it lasts. I really could use a few days feeling the lightness.

A Fret of One's Own

Today was a fretful day. It was supposed to be a day of luxury - Pat took B to see Aunties Liz and Julie for the afternoon. This morning was spent sleeping in and playing quiet games with B. She tried really hard to wake me up this morning, but instead spent about 45 minutes drawing in the bed next to me, gave up and went to get Pat. She woke Pat up by telling her "momo is too tired to make you coffee, time to wake up." I really must get this sleeping thing under control, I have been sleeping so much.

So I was alone all afternoon. Which sounds like a good thing. I spent some time cleaning out B's drawers (getting ready for school), put the new bed skirt on our bed, cleaned up, played Scrabble on-line, you get the picture. I also watched a lot of Mad Men. A very good show. I think the fretting started when one of my favorite characters died from cancer. That would make sense, I should think. I got through four seasons without the cancer, and then, bam!, there it was. And of course she had to die. And that seems to be what happens to people who have cancer - they die. I suppose you could turn it around and say that is what happens to people who are born - they die. We all do. It is often a comforting thought that I am just going to go through what we all have to do, that life will continue, that the world is filled with people who are going to die. At least we all have that in common.

The second part of my fret is that my back has been hurting, and that is usually how liver cancers are detected - they show up as back pain. So of course what I have been thinking (and this is since my first bought with the mystery pain in CA) is that the tumors in my liver are getting worse. Okay, how worse? Who the hell knows, and Nancy would tell me to cut it out. That I have no way of knowing anything and that the fretting, as posted previously, just gets in the way with my connecting with the world - while I am still here. For goodness sakes, you'd think that I would get it and stop fretting. But I do fret. And it's lonely scary business.

I Want my Days Back

So my last post sounded excellent. I sound really on and ready to take on the world. Well yesterday, day three, is where everything fell apart. I felt like someone socked me in the head and ran away. My innards were very disagreeable and I was generally miserable. I went to sleep at around 7 and woke up this morning with Bennett crawling into bed with me with toys. It was such a sweet was to wake up, but I still felt hungover. Then I just decided to cut it out. Pat is teaching part of this week and I am going to have to be alone with B a bit, so I have to stop wallowing.

I will give myself a break and not call the effects of chemo wallowing, but the effects have been dragging on longer and longer, and I am going to try not to allow that anymore.

So, today Pat went to work in the afternoon and I took care of B. I was worried, I didn't know how I would hold up. Rith after Pat left, she took my hand and said "momo I have a very cozy spot for us and two boxes of fun things to play with." We went on the futon and played games and painted and raced cars and then I made her dinner. We read a ton of books and she went right to sleep after crying for Pat for about 3 minutes. I am so grateful to have time with her. She always surprises me with her wit and intellect.

Enough bragging, you all know how I love my girl. I have bone pain in my right calf and my abdomen is very very tender. I keep wondering why. You know the wondering is not a good thing. If there is anything to worry about, I will know soon enough. And if there is something to worry about, Dr. B, Dumbledore and I will take care of it. Oh, and God.

More tomorrow as the fog continues to lift. The NYT crossword puzzles have been very hard for me today. Even Monday puzzles. I spent about 10 minutes looking at this clue - Knife: D_RK. Well, my father's name was Dirk, boy did I feel lame once I figured it out. I am pulling out my chemo brain pass for today...

Day Two Chemo

Like most Wednesdays of chemo week, I felt pretty fine. I woke up at 7:30, got B dressed for school, sent her off with Pat and then cleaned the house for the cleaning lady. I chatted with her awhile and left the house. I then spent a relaxing morning going to the bank, getting gas and sitting in every fabulously expensive chair at Fly by Night. I found a chair I would love to have, but am I really going to spend 2 thousand on a chair. Not a chance. I just like going in there to see what I wish I could find on the street.

I started getting nauseous while in the chair I would have picked had I had all the money in the world. It's funny how the steroids work, as soon as my stomach is empty I start feeling really crappy. So I had to sit down and have a scone. Poor me. It was delicious and I wanted five more. That's also the steroids. Unfortunately what my digestive system can handle doesn't always match what the steroids want. Enough said.

Then I went to acupuncture and got a really good pep talk from Nancy. I have been fretting over dying again. I am convinced it is the chemo drugs washing over my brain and making me think unwelcome thoughts. My big fret this weeks is dying and leaving Bennett with a broken heart and a sad story. But what it really comes down to, is we are all made up of big and small heart breaks that make us who we are.  Bennett's heart is in God's hands and I can't do anything but continue to love her with all my (many times broken) heart. If I continue to worry it just gets in the way of really connection to her, and she is really interesting and fun. Much more interesting and fun than my worries. So I will do my best to remember that my future, and Bennett's future, are really none of my business and get on with life.

Number 20

Not as hard as number 1, but not easy either. I was so naive, I remember pointing to my gut and saying things like, get ready to die the chemo is coming. I am not as gung-ho anymore. I just got an email from an acquaintance who has the same diagnosis. She had 50% tumor shrinkage in just a few months. I am jealous in a way that doesn't make me feel like a good person. In fact it makes me not want to answer her email, which is not very nice. Sometimes having cancer makes me not very nice. Or maybe is just being human.

I am sitting posting, Pat and B are getting to bad. I just ate a half a papaya and I hope it agrees with me. I sucked it down like it was the last food on earth. It's the steroids. It is what it is.

I am tired, I should be getting to bed. But I need to drink water and start flushing my system. I don't have a lot to say about the 20th chemo. It happened. There you go.

I feel better than number 19, which I am grateful for. I just want to be myself, feel like myself, have the same energy that I used to have. I just want a chemo-free life. But that is not is not anywhere in the near future, but I am still hopeful.

Post 320

Here's my fabulous daughter, she fell asleep while watching Dumbo. That's probably good, because it's such a weirdly racist movie. I've tried to get rid of it (I really should just throw it out), but she always finds the bag of stuff to go to the thrift shop. And then she takes out the too small dress (or whatever) and claims she loves it to the end of the earth. 

I have to say I do remember the day I found my blankie in the garbage. I dug it out and cried my eyeballs out. It seems like such a betrayal, to find my beloved blankie tossed out. So maybe she feels like that when I get rid of stuff. Dumbo on the other hand is just bad for her (I think).

Three days ago I was on the phone with Mary bragging about how we were having California weather. Hot, but not too hot. Dry and lovely. Poor Mary has been suffering with rain for four weeks. Well, karma bit me right in the butt. It's been literally raining non-stop for two and half days. The farm was a muddy disaster - I brought all of B's rain gear, did I even bring myself an umbrelly? No. So while B was jumping from puddle to puddle, my head got very wet. 

Tomorrow is chemo. Pat gave me a really good pep talk - telling me to remember that we used to think of chemo as just a blip in the week and somehow we got away from that. I am trying to get back into that mind set. It's true, we even used to get excited about having that time together and we always picked out a great movie to watch. The last two times, though, have been harder. I've been falling asleep and my eyes have been really bothered and hurty. What I am thinking, and am loathe to write is, I hope I don't go blind before I die. It's those cheery thoughts that really make my day hard sometimes.

On that note, I have to wash B's hair. She woke up and her head is stinky. But not for long.

My Kingdom for a Comment

I know you are out there, I know there are people reading this because I talk to those people on the phone and they say, yeah, I read that on your blog. But I haven't had any comment for what feels like weeks. I need the comments, they make me feel listened to. They make me feel good and sometimes I need that.

Okay. begging over. It was a rainy day today, we had a nice home day. The only time we left the house was to go to the computer store to find out the iPad was okay. Yay. I was so happy to see the apple reappear. So, that's a huge relief.

Tomorrow will be another rainy day and who knows what we will do. I know there is a trip to the post office in there and a visit to the farm. Other than that it will be a quiet day and hope not too plagued with thoughts about chemo. Tuesday will be number 20 by my count. I am probably off because I am not that great at keeping track of that sort of thing, but according to what I have kept track of on this blog, it's 20. I am not sure how I feel about that, but it is what it is. I should be thanking my lucky stars I have made it this far, and praying that I make it to 40 treatments. So let's all take a moment to thank and pray. I am going to. I am sure tomorrow night's post will be filled with the usual anxiety about chemo. I hate it, but like I said, it is what it is.

Until then, have a great night and let me know you are there.

Not as Planned

So soon after I posted last night I got really sick. I had a miserable night and moaned and groaned most of the night. I don't know what it was - but I suspect is was the pork from the restaurant. The last two times I had the mystery pain (and I had it last night too), I ate pieces of meat prepared by restaurants. And you can't trust the portion sizes. Anyway, I was sick and now I am not. And that is good.

Bennett had a blast at the slumber party. She even slept. She loves her Aunties. She was also talking about her cousins today, Anna and Carly. I think she misses all the hullaballoo that happened at the Family Reunion.

Anyway, here are the pictures from the new bathroom. Pat did a great job and worked her butt off.

Pat finally gets her claw foot tub. Bennett loves it too.

The glass brick wall. It's more interesting in person. According to Pat, the towel rack is from hell. The installation was not as smooth as it could have been. It would have been nice if they included instructions.

Yes, we put glass doors to the bathroom. Didn't really think about the privacy thing until too late. 

Will post pics from the the RP room tomorrow. Good night. Oh, I can't go on anymore because we think the iPaddy is dead. As Bennett would say, it's a terrible horrible thing.

Garlic Breath

I must start this post off with a picture Aunt Julie just sent of B. She is at a slumber party at Aunt Julie and Aunt Liz's house tonight. When she heard about the slumber party, she took her bag from me, ran to her aunties and got right in their car. No clinging, no crying, not even a good bye. She is going to have so much fun, and she will be exhausted.

With wicked garlic breath from eating at Mesa Verde, a great Mexican place in Greenfield, Pat and I made a plan for our evening with no child. I have two things I want to do, post and have a gin and tonic. I am not really supposed to drink because of the chemo and the drugs I take, but they told me I can have 4 oz. of wine on special occasions. So it's a pretty special occasion and I take the 4 oz. of wine to mean one drink of my choice. I have to be able to live a life here, people. 

Tomorrow we will sleep in a spend the morning any way we want. We have a goal to finish the bathroom (put up the hooks and towel bars, and clean up) and what used to be the Rotten Pink Room (we need to mop and move the tools out). The new name for the Rotten Pink Room seems to be the RP room. I will post pictures tomorrow nights, with special thanks to my brother Bill who started us off by priming the walls of the RP room. No small feat considering part of the ceiling is 16ft up.

Here is a picture of me with my new hair. I don't know why it's growing in, but here it is. I just hope that my hair is the only thing that is growing, if you know what I mean. More later. Have a great night.

Post Potter Depression

We went to see HP today. There were a total of four people in the theatre, it was great. I thought the movie was good, but I have read the book so many times that it was easy for me to fill in the blanks. Let's just say it's not a movie for the uninitiated. I cried for about an hour. Luckily Mary told me to bring tissue, because I needed it. After we picked up B from school and went to the club for a swim, I felt a strange ennui set in. I had to go lie down. When I realized that I was sad that the whole Harry Potter thing is over. The last book is long out, I just saw the last movie. It's the end of something, something good. What's next? I'll just have to wait with everyone else to find out.

After my 10 minute bout with post-HP-depression, I made a delicious creamed mushroom dinner and we had a feast. I am stuffed to the gills, as my mom would say. Pat is making art in her studio, Bennett is playing with Aunt Ruth. A very good day indeed.

I want to end with this good picture from the family reunion. It's of me, TC, and Bennett at the Santa Barbara Zoo. TC is my friend that I have known since we were born. We used to run around bare footed, getting into mischief all day. I cried when I saw her, because I love her and she is someone who goes deep into my bones. So, here's to good friends and lots of love.

Shrooming

This is Pat. This is the mushroom she found today. It is called Chicken of the Woods.

I should also have a picture of my big full belly because we ate the heck out of that mushroom. Pat sauteed it with lots of yummy stuff and Ruth and I ate it with noodles, Pat had it with salad. I also made some marinated mushrooms with some nice old balsamic and grassy olive oil. They are devine. We will be eating them tomorrow. I can't wait.

Today was a good day. I feel like singing and blessing the day. I slept in until 9 - what a luxury. Took advantage of the fact that Bennett wasn't here and tidied the house. She is like a tornado - there was stuff everywhere. Put away the laundry, and went for a big shopping. I was done after that. After I put everything away, I had to lie down and be still. Shopping is a lot of work, walking down every aisle, putting stuff in the cart, taking it our, putting it in the car, bringing it in, putting it away. How do we all do this all the time? It's exhausting. We don't have delivery groceries yet, I hope it happens soon.

That's about it. Ruth is bathing Bennett. Pat is doing this and that. I am glad to be alive. We are going to see Harry Potter tomorrow. Another good thing.

I'm Back

It took almost a week, but I am back. I feel good and that is great. I can feel the world around me and not be stuck in the muck of pain and fatigue. I am so lucky, I don't even know what to say.

For one thing, I will say thank you for sticking with me.

Today was an especially good day. I made delicious blueberry rhubarb jam. Six pints are in the freezer. The blueberries I got yesterday are a little sour, so the jam is particularly good and sweet-tart. I also made a half-gallon jar of garlic dills for the fridge. I will keep you posted on those, I know the recipe is good, but I've only ever made them and canned them. This time they will just sit in the fridge until we are ready to eat them.

We also went to the club for about 3 hours, I went to the farm while Pat stayed with B at the club. It rained off and on and when I left for the farm, Sandy, Avy and B were in the little covered part of the play structure. The slide was super fast after the rain- I saw Avy shoot off of it. The farm was lovely and rainy, then we came home to a meal that I cooked. Yes, it's true, after almost a week I finally got it together enough to cook. I made okra for the first time, with tofu and greens. It was good- so good to just have a bowl of goodness with Pat. Bennett was long asleep - she feel asleep around 4:30. She is in the tub for a late night bath and in a few minutes we will all go to bed together.

What a wonder life is. I hope I can hold on to this feeling for a while.

Back on the Saddle- Sort of

Well, today was much better than yesterday and I am hoping the same will be true tomorrow.

I did all the things I pledged in yesterday's post - I made pancakes from scratch, harvested the plums from our tiny plum tree (they are delicious), got the blueberries (15 lbs + 3lbs for Ruth and Theo), cleaned up the kitchen, changed the sheets, then I was done. I mean done. I was exhausted for the rest of the day. I spent an entire hour on Skype with my mom. It was a great way to spent my nap time. I was actually lying down while Skyping. It was very relaxing.

We, I should say Bennett and I, ordered pizza for dinner and had a picnic on the bed with Pat who ate a much more healthy choice. One of the weird things that happens to me is the steroids make me starving for a few days after chemo. And if I don't eat I get queasy. And I don't want to eat when I have the trots, so it's just hard to know what to do. Anyway, I ate plenty of pizza and now and considering a nice glass of milk.

It's pretty hot here - really it's the humidity that makes it so stinky, but we are expecting storms overnight. I am hoping for a little cool off so that I can make blueberry rhubarb jam tomorrow first thing. Then we are going to the club and the farm. If it's raining, who knows what we will do. Whatever it is, it will be a delight.

BTW, I tried to say I love you to everyone I saw today. I forgot my friend Ruth. I'll get her next time I see her. Until then, I love all of you.

Feary Thoughts

Those stupid feary thoughts are back, and boy is it annoying. I think it's because I don't feel well longer than usual. I am also worried that the pain I had in SB will somehow show up on my scans at the end of the month. I am also worried about dying.

Yep, that's the kernel of it...I am just plain worried about dying. I am worried about Bennett and how she will handle it. I am worried about Pat and how it will be for her to be a single parent. I am so sorry that I won't be here to help. It sort of kills me. No pun intended.

Pat reminds me that there is no way to know who will die first, or when, or how. It makes me feel better to have a bet with her to see who can live the longest. I also know that B is going to be who she is and that she had a lot of people around her who love her like crazy, but I want to be the one who loves her the craziest and I can't do that if I am dead. Crap.

I vow to wake up at a reasonable hour tomorrow, to make pancakes and to live the day to the fullest. I will get those damn blueberries no matter what. I will tell Pat and Bennett and whoever else comes my way how much I love them. I will, not tomorrow but another day, clean out my closet and get rid of all the things I never wear. I will live this life the longest I can.

Nada

Niente, zip, nothing, zilch, that is what I did today. I feel about a thousand times better than yesterday  (thank you, God) but still I was under water. I slept until 11:30, woke to an empty house (Pat took B to the theater and museum, what an wonder she is), schlepped around the house like a hungover guest for a couple of hours, took a shower, read my book until I was done and now I am posting.

I ate very little today. This is the first time I have felt this queasy for this long. Pat's theory is that my body is still stressed from the trip to CA. That's probably true, as both B&P are pooped still and they are just regular non-chemo going people. She also assured me that next chemo will be better. I am glad for that prediction.

I miss the family reunion. I miss the people, really. It was fun to have something to do most of the time with people who are good and kind and funny and giving. And, even queasy as can be, I miss the food. I talked to Mary this afternoon. They were making a chocolate devil's food cake for their last night in SB. Pat offered to get me some cake from Stop and Shop, but I can tell you it would be miles different and sad to eat alone. So I vowed to make my favorite pancakes for breakfast tomorrow and cheered me up considerably.

I have to tell you about my awesome daughter. Last night when I wasn't feeling well, I was lying on the couch. She came up to me and started petting my head and then she said "Hey, Love, can I get you a book to help you feel better?" "How about I pet your head to cheer you up." She is such a great soul. I love her madly. Pat too. And so many other things and people, too many to name. And that's a very good thing to remember while feeling bad, because it reminds me that I will soon be better. Yay.

Chemo-arrhea

Yep, today was the first day that I go hit with the terrible chemo trots that everyone always talks about. It was pretty awful. It only lasted a couple of hours, which in the scheme of things is not bad, but it was bad. I am so so so grateful that I feel better already and that I have gone to chemo for a year and this is the first time this has happened.

Other than that, I had an okay day. I went to Worcester to return my pump. Had a very nice conversation with my mom on the way home. She is my Thursday after pump drop off phone date. It's a nice marker that soon I will feel better and that the mechanical side of chemo is over.

Pat took B to the club so I had the whole afternoon to lie on the couch and moan and run to the pot in private. I suppose it's not to private once I post on the blog, but I like to keep you all informed. Other news: I have a scan on Sept. 1. I will not get the results until Sept. 13. I can call earlier if I want the results earlier, but I am pretty sure they are just going to be the same as usual. Gulp. It's not like they can tell me again that I have cancer. They've already given me that shocking news.

Zeus has a new love. Marsha. Marsha is a great neighbor whose wonderful doggy died a couple of weeks ago. Sammy looked just like Zeus only older and maybe a little chubbier. Zeus has always loved Marsha (she carries lots of treats), so when she proposed to Ruth (while we were in CA) to take Z for a walk to help her heart feel better, the bond was made. Z will be going to their summer house in CT this weekend. They can't have him, but we can share him. Anything to help Marsha. I forgot to mention M has been a hospice nurse for 25 years and is like an angel. She believes in supporting local artists, has really interesting things to say about death and is just about the most comforting person around. Anyway, Zeus will have a good time at the beach and we will get a little break from having to make sure he gets his walk.

Not much else to report. I am going to bed early. Tomorrow is wide-open. I am going to pick up 10 lbs of local frozen blueberries and put them in our freezer. That seems like a good goal. That way I can make blueberry things when I am feeling stronger - like more jam. Never enough jam.

More Reunion Relish

More pictures of the family reunion. Here's our family's portrait. We were lucky to get this shot as Bennett was at the point of turning her back and running every time she saw the camera. She just happened to run to me and I called Liz, the excellent photographer, to quick take a shot. Phew! I am so glad she took this picture. 

These are my siblings, front is Mary, Janna and Joanne. The back is me and my brother Bill. My niece, Anna, said that we all look alike so much it's freaky. Then she ran away covering her face.

Something I forgot to post about was the deep fishing trip Pat went on. I am trying to find out who has some pictures I can post. Mary caught the biggest fish on the boat that day. A big ugly barracuda. She won a lottery and a new Facebook photo. She looks great.

Today was a nice day. I feel icky from the chemo, but that is to be expected. I went to Home Depot to buy a few things, went to acupuncture and then spent the afternoon making pints and pints of the best pickle relish there is. I hope we will have enough for the year. It was a lot of chopping.

I spoke with Mary tonight, they are having an extended reunion - two weeks- and are making crab cakes and angel food cake for dinner. The party continues...

Reunion and Chemo

Here we all are at the family reunion - in height order. I am third from the left. I was demoted from second tallest to third by my nephew, Alex. If you want to know who anyone is, just let me know. Bennett is on the far right holding Eliott's hand. Adorable, right? The dress is from Aunt Joanne, cousins Libby and Carly (who Bennett thinks are twins, but are not). Santa Barbara is so beautiful and everyone worked so hard to make it nice (I just did the dishes here and there and didn't do much else). There was lots of love for everything except my suggestion that Joanne paint part of her kitchen orange. I hope she will, but there was definitely a coup brewing.

Here is my beautiful daughter holding lovely and wonderful Eliott. He is such a good sport, he let B hold him a lot and was passed around. I got to hold him and I loved it so much. I love babies. I cried when I said goodbye. Next time I see him, at my niece's wedding next Aug 4, he will be a whole year older. That will be so good. I can't wait already. We had a nice surprise engagement toast for Brianna and Tim and I think B will be a flower girl for their wedding. It's so nice to have that date in mind. Must stay healthy for the wedding in August. Starting with chemo today. 

Chemo was pretty uneventful as I slept through most of it. At that's that. Good thoughts and prayers are always welcome.

la chimiothérapie de demain

That is French. I do have chemo tomorrow. But who cares? This will be my 20th treatment. If you didn't know, that is a lot. And lots more to go.

I thought French would be appropriate, because I thinking of taking Bennett to France for a week at the end of the month. I have a chance to hang with my sister and her family in a chalet for a week. I just have to go with Bennett by myself because Pat will be teaching. More on this later.

We are home. The Reunion was fantastic. We went the beach, ate too much. laughed a lot. I had a chance to reconnect with some of my nieces and nephews whom I haven't seen in years. All great and super interesting people. I am so happy I went and I will post pictures as soon as I can find the disc with the photos on it.

The house is a mess, I have chemo tomorrow and I have pickle relish to make. It's a mad world.