Crappy Day

I am too tired to really post. I spent the entire day in bed. I have been hit by a truck and left for the vultures. Pat has been extraordinary - making me delicious food and making sure B is set. The highlight of my day were the visits from B & P while I moaned and groaned. I am hoping for a miraculous recovery for tomorrow. Ugh.

On Tumors and Diamonds

Here is the ring I got from Pat for my birthday. I always wanted a diamond ring and it only took me 9 years to convince Pat that I wasn't joking. So here it it. And it is beautiful and shiny and I love it. You won't really be able to see the detail until you see it in person, and I will be happy to show it off. 

That was the diamond part. The tumor part starts now. There isn't much to say about diamonds, really. But tumors, I could go on all day. But I won't, just a few paragraphs. I had to tell Magical Maryann today that I have tumors in my lungs. She was very gracious about it and asked me all about my breathing and such. My breathing is fine - my oxygen levels are always 99-100%. It was just hard to tell her, she has been such a great support this past year, and I guess it comes down to not wanted to disappoint her - or anyone. I only want good news, and this is not such good news. I still can't believe it myself.

Anyway, I am exhausted. I went to Worcester to drop off my pump. It is always tiring to do that. This new drug makes me really sleepy, not fatigued like the other drug. Just plain sleepy. I had a rousing conversation with my mom on the way home from Worcester as is our returning the pump tradition. My Dad died of esophageal/lung cancer five or six years ago. When my mom and I started talking about dying of cancer, she said "been there, done that." And as bizarre as it sounds, it was comforting. It reminded me that death is really just a part of life - that my mom new that phrase was a surprise. 

Bennett is still fighting some crud, Pat is a little down about the weather (it's been really rainy) and I am exhausted. The house is a mess (though it is clean because Laureen was here this week to clean), we are not eating that well because we are not motivated and I feel lousy. Really we've been sort of living off cheesy noodles, chicken and mushrooms. So here is to a good night's sleep that will refresh us all and remind me to live live live. Live with my new shiny ring.

Posting with Pump and Cream Puff

Or shall I say, Cream Puffed as it is now gone.

The cream puff is from Mama Jean who sent it home with Bennett from the Big E. She was at the Big E for 6 hours and was a disaster when she got home, but I think she had fun. She came in the house tooting a plastic horn and showing me her new stuffed donkey - who I wrongly called Eyore. We didn't get many details, but like I said, I can only guess she had fun.

I, on the other hand, went to the Big C. I was also about 6 hours. I didn't get any stuffed toys or horns. Oh well. This new drug doesn't make me as tired at the end of the day which is a nice change. The steroids make me into a bear - eating-wise.  I have to say that I hate fricking chemo. It's a huge drag. It makes me really sad - I had to big cry on the way home. Poor Pat. And poor me. Really having a pity party here. 

There is not much to report. I didn't see Dr B today, so it was just the nurses, Pat, me and other balding people. Tomorrow acupuncture and head straightening with Nancy.

Anyone out there have the 6th book in the Cherub series we can borrow? It hasn't been released in the US yet and the used copies on Amazon are about $50. Anyone?

Chemo Anon

Yep, that's about as close as I get to ye olde englishe, but it's true that I have chemo tomorrow. I am not dwelling on it at all. It just seems like what is going to happen and there's not a thing I can do about it. That's not true, really, I can not go. But that would be stupid, so I am going to choose to go. Damn, what a choice.

To lighten the mood today, Bennett and I decided it was time for Pat to get a haircut. I did the cutting and Bennett took the hair and made little nests for the birds and put them in the bushes and tree in the back yard. It was very cute. She would not let me cut her hair, because she is growing it like Rapunzel. Her bangs are already in her eyes, so it might be time for barrettes, which she hates.

Anyway, the cutting mood did not end with Pat's cut. Bennett ran out of her room with a dolly and...

mother sanctioned doll hair cutting. She had a ball and then cried because it looked too much like my hair. Apparently she wanted it to look like her hair. Poor thing. Personally I thought the cut looked much more practical and stylish.

Then her friend Spence's mom called to remind me that she is taking B and S out of school tomorrow and taking them to the Big E (that's a giant fair). Mama Jean invited B last week and I totally forgot, but B did not have a fever at all today, so I said what the heck. She loves Spence and his moms, so it seems like a nice thing to do to celebrate the end to fever-madness.

Pat is at work tonight. I am going to have some Pop Tarts and find something good to watch on TV/computer. I might knit a little, or not. I am just going to be. 

Snacks, Mushrooms and Love

What can I say? Today I got to sleep in until 11am. It was like a gift from God. It was especially nice because I stayed up till midnight finishing a wickedly good book that Aunt Ruth lent me.

Bennett still has a fever. At this point it's pretty low grade, but when she woke up it was almost 101. She is refusing to take any medicine and is sick of being home and sick. So we sent her to Aunt Liz and Julie's for the afternoon. They didn't mind that she was hot, and she had fun. But who really had fun was Pat

After dropping B off with Aunties, Pat went for a little mushroom hunt. Here she is with her Black Chantarelles. About 1/3 went to L&J and the rest are cooked up or in the dehydrator. She was is hog heaven. And she now knows two places to find them and today's place had three different patches. She loves the hunt. I had a grilled cheese for dinner - too worried about eating the wild mushrooms, but it was good too.

While B was with Aunties and Pat was hunting the wild mushroom, I got to have time to myself. It was wonderful. After so many days of taking care of B and generally being stuck in the house, I sat my butt down and read and did the bills and cleaned up a bit. It was just what the doctor ordered. When B got home, we played iPaddy and cuddled and cajoled her into taking some medicine. Then it was bath, books and bed. She told me while I was cuddling her, "can you look at me while I am falling asleep. I love to look at your good head." I told her I loved her head too and it was off to sleep. What a nice day.

Fever Days

So I finally took B to the docs this morning to find out why she still had a fever after almost three days. We just could not get it to go down. Pat was genius and rigged up a way to keep cool washcloths in the bedroom most of the night. None of slept all that well, B tossed and turned, I worried and changed head cloths and I am not sure what Pat was doing - probably worrying about me and Bennett.

The docs said there is a virus going around and its only real symptom is a many-day fever. No ear infection, no boogies, just fever. B has a lingering cough and boogies from the last virus, so I wasn't sure if it was new, old, whatever. The doc told me a formula for precise dosing for tylenol for kids and I realized I was totally under dosing B, which is why we never got her fever down. She said the directions on labels are not precise enough. Now I know. So I went home, gave B the right amount of tylenol and she was up for playing with Aunt Ruth in a very short time. It was the first time in days that I saw her with any kind of energy. After about an hour of play, she started crying and crawled on my lap and fell asleep. That girl is just exhausted from this darn fever. Let's hope that tomorrow when we wake up her temp will be normal.

I am fine. I am lucky I have dodged all of the viruses that have come into the house. I am a constant hand washer and I have that great Neulasta shot, so I am lucky lucky lucky. The weather has been rainy, so it was not that hard to stay home and sort of ease into just taking care of B. It is exhausting, the constant getting up and getting something and then the next thing for a kid who is sad and sick. But I got to stay in my jammies too and read while she watched Care Bears and Star Pony videos. That is the total up side of this thing - just taking care of B has taken my mind off me. And that is comforting.

Pat is backing from teaching, and it is so much easier with her around. The house is a tip (as Mary would say), and I have been ignoring the mail, but sometimes we all get to just be and not worry about too much except the little girl with the fever. And she is so lovely and wonderful, I would do anything to take care of her.

One last thing, tonight she was having a hard time going to sleep, so she sat up and said momo I am just going to sit here and sing songs until my eyes get tired. I got to listen to her sing three or fours songs she must have learned at school because they were not familiar. It was such a gift it made my heart beam.

Hyper-Momo

In the middle of the night Bennett developed a fever and spent what felt like three hours moaning and tossing and turning. I gave her medicine and told her to stop moaning, close her eyes and go to sleep. It was like trying to go to bed with an very old moaning little person.

Poor Pat, she had to work today. After two hours of the moaning she finally decided to sleep in the other room. Smart. Bennett and I slept in until 10. And we spent the morning hanging around in bed. At about 12:30, we got up and started up the TV. We cuddled up and watched WIlly Wonka, Lion King, Little Bear. Basically enough TV to qualify me as a terrible parent. I kept giving her medicine and food and things to drink. (I originally wrote "drinks" but that sounded a little suspicious.) And she just kept having a fever. She just fell asleep at 6, so I am hoping the long night's sleep will be healing. Poor bunny.

I have not been tired all day. I have been like super hyper mother bear. I just ordered a pizza for dinner, than ought to calm me down. Or make me gassy. Or both. It rained most of the day, so staying in wasn't too bad. Actually the rain was calming and mad it easy to just find a snuggle spot and stay put.

What will I do now that she is asleep. I await my pizza. I will do some knitting while watching something on computer TV. I will take it easy and thank God that I did not get this virus. I forgot to call the dentist. I did two out of three loads of laundry (that just means I have to finish tomorrow) and cleaned up the kitchen. A mouse ran out onto the counter while I was wiping it down. Totally freaked me out. I thought they were supposed to be sneaky. Maybe this one is dumb. Not dumb enough to get caught - this time. Ha.

How Can It Be?

How can it be that I am even more tired than yesterday? I took it easy, I knitted, I watched a lot of old episodes of The Office. I didn't do anything except go to acupuncture. So I thought that I would be rejuvenated, but I am wicked tired.

Enough on that point, maybe we should just agree that I am always tired that way I don't have to write about it anymore. Deal done. This next part will be called My Ode to Jessica. It's not really an ode, but a story. Two days ago, we were chatting on the phone. When all of the sudden I hear a far away AAAAHHHHH! It was the sound of Jessica falling while crossing the street (she lives in NYC). Some background info - J is  very pregnant with twins currently named Ruth A and Ruth B (only in my mind). Anyway we went back and forth about whether to go to the doc after the fall, and she did. They kept her there until 10:30 at night. All is well, and the little Ruthies will be fine. It was a little scary hearing the scream, esp. since I couldn't do anything from so far away. I am so glad the little ones are okay and J is too. Next stop the shoe store for high tops with super good treads.

The second part of this post is My Ode to Ruth and Theo. Today is Theo's birthday and we had a great little party. BBQ steaks, lots of goodies, fab cake. Ruth puts on a good party and Theo puts on a mean BBQ. Theo taught B darts and she actually got a bull's eye. I have a photo, but I am too tired to load it up. R&T have a great relationship with B and she loves them like crazy. We all love them like crazy. Up next is a slumber party, which B has been talking about for weeks.

Tomorrow I will again try to take it easy. I have a bad tooth, so I have to call the dentist. She is going to have to negotiate with Dr. B. about what to do. My guess is that it's going to just have to come out. The only silver lining I can think of about maybe having a shorter life is that I won't have to pay for dental implants.

My appointment with Nancy was amazing. She had kept me sane through all this and I feel good mentally. I just need to get some sleep.

Whoa, What a Day

Today I had the day to myself while B was in school and P was teaching. What did I do? Did I do the sensible thing to do and rest? No. Of course not. I did a million things and you can't really tell, the house was remessed up when B came home. I watched her peel off one shoe, the other shoe, one sock, the other sock, her jacket - all in a line from the front door to the iPad.

B and I went shopping after school and got winter dresses and these crazy white patent leather boots with furry pom-poms. She was beside herself when she saw them. I think they are the kind of boots that you remember for the rest of your life.

I love those boots.

Just Like Old Times

Even though the old times were two weeks ago. Pat taught today and I had B all to myself, all day. I was nervous because I've had a headache for a week, and my energy is not what is has been. Anyway, we had a great day. A terrific day. A gift from God day.

The weather was perfect - sunny and a little cool. We didn't get to sleep in because the dogs across the street that bark incessantly started at 7 am. That's okay, Pat had to get up anyway, and B and I had to start our day. We hung out until swimming lessons. A great surprise - Avy was in lessons too. Yay. B was awesome to watch - I hadn't been to the Y in over a year. After lessons we all went to a cafe and hung around until it was time for Avy to go to school. I asked B what she wanted to do next, A to Z (our fav toy store). We stayed there for a long time and ended up getting these little dolls called Critters, dressed up for Halloween. Bennett looked at the one with the dog/devil costume on it and asked why it had an arrow coming out of its butt.

We came home and stayed in for about an hour and i got to talk to Bob, Rev Barbara and Mary all in that time, then called Sandy and Avy and asked them if they wanted to get cake with us. We all met at Friendly's, had cake and ice cream and then went to the park.

Okay, I am beat, Bennett was beat when we got home. She said that she needed to skip her bath and go right to bed. So we did, 25 seconds later she was asleep. All in all a very good day. Even if I do say so myself.

Of course I am completely pooped, the house is a disaster and I didn't keep to my not too much sugar quest. But that's okay. I can't argue with feeling, spending time with good friends and hanging out with my lovely, funny daughter. I crossing my fingers for another great day tomorrow.

Thanks for hanging in there with me.

Super Quickie

I feel better. I had a good day. I love my life and my family and all of you.

Keep up the prayers and good thoughts. I have been praying my brains out. And it's helping a lot. More tomorrow.

Short One

I just don't have it in me for a long post. And you are probably tired of trying to make through the long long posts I've been doing.

All I have to say tonight is through my sorrow I must continue to fight. I can't lie down to relax because I get too scared, I have a new technique of trying to remember first and last names of characters from old TV shows. That does take some concentration. But I can't seem to get over how sad I am. I feel sort of broken inside and feeling physically sick doesn't help at all. And I feel guilty for wasting my precious time. It's a hard place to be. I can't tell you how much it sucks.

So that's the truth for me today. It won't always be like this and I have to remember that with all my heart. Let's all pray for a better tomorrow. I know I will.

Living Proof

Here's a not that great photo of me tonight. I felt I needed to post it to prove that I am still alive. So here I am in all my messy glory. I spent most of the day in bed, napping and trying to stay warm. It's about 60 degrees here and this drug makes me very cold sensitive - already. I had to put my granola in the microwave to get the chill off the milk. 

I have to admit, it has been a very difficult couple of days. I have been very sad and worried. I am trying to pull myself out of it. I have gotten tons of email, mail and calls to lift my spirits. What to do? Keep doing what you are doing, because this will not last that long. By this, I mean my funk, not my life. I have to get it together to get back into life. To love me peeps, to play and open my eyes wide for the rest of my life - 2 months, 10 years, who knows? No one ever knows, we like to believe we do, but we don't. I just have something that reminds me that I am mortal every day. 

Pat threw her back out and Bennett has a cold in her chest. We are quite the wreck of a family today. We snuggled in the bed and watched movies, Pat distracted B a lot today, so I could nap and cry. That's true, I did cry a lot today. I can't tell if it helps, or keeps me in the morass. I am also considering posting on Facebook that I have cancer. I have about 100 Facebook friends and I don't want them to find out after I die. That doesn't seem very nice. But I think I have to cull the friends first, some of them were just the mistakes we all make when we first get onto Facebook.

Nancy would discourage me from preparing for my demise. She's right, but I just can't get there yet. She says that until the very moment I draw my last breath, I am alive and living. Again, she is right, and I am trying mightily to get there with her. I think it's the combination of the new drugs and the news that is making this recovery especially hard. I will keep working and talking to praying and asking for help. And I will got out of it and back into life. Mark my words.

No More Ice Cream For Me

What!?! Can it be true? Yes, it is. I read the rules about this new drug, Oxaliplatin. No cold drinks, no cold anything in my mouth, no touching what's in the freezer without gloves, to AC, no breathing in cold air in the winter. That's going to be easy...not.

And no more ice cream. I love ice cream. It's in my top two comfort foods, the other one is variable, but ice cream has always been there. Alas, no more. So it took cancer to get me off ice cream. That's how much I love it. You get the picture. Also no more alcohol. No even my 4 oz. of wine on special occasions. Cookies aren't cold. That's good news, neither is pie. Pat is trying to convince me to cut down on my sugar consumption. She thinks it feeds the cancer. She may be right. I will try. But I am not going to be miserable, no way.

Today was okay. I didn't do much. Slept in, went to see Nancy to get my head straightened out and some nice acupuncture. She really helped me slip back into the world, I was a little disassociated. I can't blame myself for needed a little mental vacation, but if I am to get every drop out of life, I can't go too far for too long. I came home, rested a little, picked up B from school. There is nothing like getting to B's classroom and having her drop everything and yell "mommy!" I could hear that 1000 times a day and never tire of it. It is my greatest joy to be one of her moms. Thought, she has been calling me Dad lately too. That's okay, I am big with very short hair. She knows I am a woman (she says girl), but can I be Daddy too? Sure, what the hell.

I am tired, but not as bad as with the other drug. I never got the swollen tongue and bionic chemo eyes and that terrible taste in my mouth - all silver linings. I guess that's an even exchange for not having ice cream. Maybe.

Well, It's Not Good Part II

So it's been 12 hours since the news. And news was all it was. I am exactly the same person I was yesterday. The only thing that is different, is now I know. I know the lump in my belly that hurts is not scar tissue, but a tumor. I know the nodules in my lungs are cancer. I know I better get going on my life, because who knows how much of it there will be? St Lucia here we come.

I had to have a duplex leg ultrasound. I have an embolus in my lung and they wanted to make sure there weren't any in my legs. My legs are fine. But it was all rush rush and needed to be done today. Better to know today - something good anyway, than to worry and gnash my teeth.

So Dr B said that if this combination of drugs doesn't work - and we will check in eight weeks - I will have to go to a clinical trial in Boston. I definitely thought he had more options up his sleeve. I won't worry about that now, the best thing I can do is remember the things he told me are in my favor- my age, my attitude, I don't have underlying issues to worry about. He didn't mention that I have all of you on my side, and God, so I have a lot of things going for me.

I took some notes today. This is what they say. Lungs. Liver. New tumors. Clinical Trial. That's it. I guess that was all I heard. I also guess that's all we need to know for now.

I will end on cancer side effect/Bennett story. The Avastin makes me have a lot of blood in the nose and when I blow my nose the tissue is a gory mess. The other day Bennett wanted to see what was in my tissue. I told her my boogers were private. And she said, oh, just like nipples. Yep, just like nipples.

Well, It's Not Good

I was so hoping to be able to post something that would be good. But I can't. I have a new tumor in my abdomen and more tumors in my liver and some small nodules in my lungs that are growing. The drugs stopped working, so we are on to new drugs. That's what it is. We will do this new series of dugs for 4 courses and than a new scan to make sure they are working.

I am going to have my first course of the new dugs today. The worst side effect is numbness in the finger tips. I am hoping to avoid that.

That's all the news I have for you. I wish is was better. Boy, do I wish it was better.

Posting with Port

Port and cinnamon toast. Two good things that are helping me with my feeling a little worried. I got the appointment mix-up taken care of early this morning. I was right that Dr. B. hadn't made the appointments. So P and I have to be in Worcester at 8 am. That means that Aunt Theo is coming over to help B get ready for school and to take her there. What would we do without our Auntie Angels who help so much?

Anyway my actual appointment with Dr. B isn't until 8:30, I have to get my labs done first. I will post my results sometime around 10 am EST tomorrow while I get chemo. Enough about that. It will be what it will be. I keep reminding myself that no matter what Dr B says, I will still be alive, just as I am today. That makes me feel better. That and the port, cinnamon toast and the half an Atavan I took before dinner. I can't think of the last time I took any during the day. I am sure I said the same thing last time I took some during the day. It sort of works that way.

I asked Pat last night if she was worried about the scan results. And she quickly answered that she is trying not to think about it. That makes two of us. We have both been very tired the last few days. My theory is that we are tired from NOT thinking about the scan results, trying to be normal with Bennett, trying to be in our lives. It has been a very nice day. Pat took B to her first swimming lesson of the season while I poked around the house, filling up my time with laundry and other mindless tasks. I couldn't really sit still. When B&P came home we had some lunch and packed up all the things we have been gathering for the goodwill. It was a ton of stuff.

Bennett insisted that we first go to Barnes and Nobles. Fine. We got her another game and puzzle book. This one is noticeably harder. We'll have to see how it goes. She was very tired tonight, so I am not sure this was the best indicator of whether it will be fun for her. Getting back to the goodwill. We had about eight bags of books left over from the tag sale. They were not going to take them. The guy said everyone is getting rid of all their books and they have too many. I kept talking to him for a few minutes and he said, what the hell, I take your books. It was really nice because I didn't want to take them home and I didn't want to have to travel to the Salvation Army to get rid of them. Are books becoming the new LP?

After that we went shoe shopping. I am happy to say that B picked out a pair of very practical and stylish zip boots with butterflies on them, and Pat got some new work out shoes.

All and all the day has been very successful. I will finish my port, read my book and go to bed. Pat has her first night of the semester teaching at Hampshire College tonight, so it's just me and B. And we are fine.

Worried? Not Worried?

I have been thinking a little bit about my scan results. I mean that literally. Just a little bit here and there. I never received a confirmation call or letter about my appointment with Dr. B. this Tuesday, so now I am worried my appointment is somehow screwed up. And that seems to be worrying me more than the results. And in a deep way I don't really want to miss chemo. Boy, I never thought I'd be saying that.

So, I will keep you all posted on the worrying and the results as they arrive.

Pat and I are sitting on the couch. The night is lovely. The moon full and gorgeous. Bennett called it the milk and cheese moon. We had a great dinner with lots of Aunties - Ruth, Liz, Julie. And Julie and Liz's niece Grace and her partner Melinda. Bennett was super and we all had a good time and I ate too much. Don't tell Dr. B. He is on me about my weight. Last time I told him I was not going to spend the rest of my life on Weight Watchers. Imagine that, what a drag.

Again, I had a nice day. B and I farted around this morning while Pat continued her intrepid work on the trim for the balcony. She is determined to get it done so I can post pictures. She is particularly proud of the floor which looks amazing with her handmade steel railing.

More later. Life is good today. Thank God.

A Day of Too Much

Well, maybe just the right amount. We were all a little stir crazy from being inside all day, so we decided to go to the Chalk Festival in Northampton. That's a festival where they put out a ton of sidewalk chalk and have music and a lady making balloon animals. It was pretty fun. It was mostly fun because we met Sandy and Avy and did a lot of hanging around looking at stuff in the stores first. We had lunch, we went out for ice cream. It was an absolutely perfect day - weather-wise. Of course, now I am pooped.

Did I mention I got some new shoes? My mom always sends me some birthday money, and I always buy myself some new shoes. They are sort of the shoes I wear for the year and by the time my next birthday comes around I need a new pair. I know most people wear different shoes every day, but not me. I have a repertoire of maybe three pairs of shoes - my favs, the back-ups, and the ones I don't like to wear.

On the way home from the festival, Bennett fell asleep. It was lucky because we happened upon three tag sales. I scored a winter coat for B for a buck. Pat got B a small bin of Barbies. Other things were acquired and it was time to go home. It was a great day. I know I must go to bed. I am even more pooped than when I started this post.

A Day of Not Much

Bennett woke up with the fever this morning, so we had a very quiet day today. Lots of liquids and tylenol gave B the same amount of energy as usual, but I was strict and made her stay in all day. She was really good, and Pat had some time to work on the trim on the balcony. I did some knitting, watched Harry Potter 1 for the hundredth time, ate too much from the goodie box I got for my birthday from my sisters and brother. Let's just say the little cake didn't make it past day two of possession of said box of goodies.

A question. Is is bad to let your kid have cake for breakfast when they are sick? Not that I would ever do such a thing.

So I am feeling good. Worried a smidgen about getting the cold. I spent some time wiping down the house with bleach wipes. I even did the front door knob. I am sure I will be fine, it's just that B is exposed to so many germy kids. And whenever I get a cold I have to take antibiotics and a lecture from Dr. B. As if I could help getting a cold - we already wash our hands all the time. It will be what it will be.

I must take some time to finish the movie P and I are watching - Sherlock Holmes. Another great recommendation from Mary. Have a great night. Keep your loves close to your heart tonight. It's a good night for it - as is every night, if you think about it.

Argh!

I am in a very grumpy mood. Bennett spilled her smoothie all over the rug, the garbage bag leaked greasy stuff on the floor, I cut my thumb while making dinner. I am trying to console myself by eating chocolate covered toffee popcorn. It sort of hurts my teeth.

You wouldn't know it, but I had a good day today. A really good day. I took Bennett to school at 8:30 and didn't sit down until 2. I got a lot done and feel fine. I saw Nancy who had a lot of say about my unfortunate experience at the club with that ahem...woman. I left feeling alive again, which was great. I made a delicious and healthy dinner which included beets, fennel and Pat's wild mushroom. But somehow, some where something went wrong and I got crabby.

Oh well, I suppose that's okay. It's normal even if you don't have cancer to get crabby once and awhile. I will give myself a break and eat some of this candy, cruise the canning blogs and get to bed early. It may just be a case of not recognizing that I am tired. Tired of the rain, tired of the cancer, tired of being grumpy.

I pledge to try to less grumpy. Starting now. I'll let you know how it goes.

Forgotten Skills

Well, I have to say that today was a lot less dramatic than yesterday. I had a very long and sad night with Pat and Zeus consoling me. I should have taken an Atavan, but I didn't think of it.

I also have to say that the indignation in the comments today is very satisfying. Pat also wanted to do some hitting, and I have only one other time seen her that mad. Thanks, my peeps, I appreciate the indignation. I will get you back when I can. I saw said woman this morning and felt really neutral about the whole thing. I think she just couldn't stop herself and I can't really spend my precious and limited energy on someone so clueless.

I was also so great to hear Ruth's comment about Dr. Whalen, he did tell me that I was a long way from anything (I asked him describe how people in my situation die), and that I should go and live my life. Take my kids to Disney is what he said next. So, he didn't really know that to me going to Disney sounds worse that poking my eye with a pencil, but I got the gist.

Today I did just that. I lived a day full of life and love. I spent the day doing chores like laundry and picking up Barbie boots, took a nap with Pat and took B to and from her first day back to big girl school. She was bereft, the only kid actually screaming, but I left her there and hung out just outside the door until another parent could tell me that she was happily playing. It didn't take that long, and the teachers  told me she had a great day and made some new friends. That's music to my ears.

Tomorrow acupuncture. Yipee. I think I might be an acupuncture junkie. I could think of worse things to be addicted to. Plus, is it bad to be addicted to something that is good for you?

My last note, some people are wondering what would you eat a tomato chile jam with? Well, I have it on toast with a slice of fresh tomato. The books says it's great on eggs, I could see that. Canning books always say things like this relish is excellent on cold roast. We never have cold roast (or roast for that matter), so I don't make much relish. I suspect this jam would also be great on roast. Oh yeah, this is not a canning blog. More tomorrow.

A Post in Two Parts

1. If you do not want to hear about fear, death and dying, please skip to Part 2. 

Today I had a good day with Bennett. We played together and hung out and basically did this and that. We decided, with Aunt Ruth, to take advantage of the last day at the club. When we left home it was pouring, so we took a detour to Nick's Nest to have a frappe (that's New England for milkshake, though there is some debate about it.). When we got to the club there were plenty of people, and off B went to play. I met up with a woman I know who I like to talk to. I should say I used to like to talk to her, now I do not. She spent a good amount of time telling me stories about the people she has known who have had colon cancer and who have died. One story after another. It was like being stuck in a death vortex and I could not make myself get up. I did tell her I did not want to hear anymore cancer stories, but it didn't seem to do the trick.

So I have to say I was pretty wrecked by the time I left. I had to call Mary for a pep talk, to remind me of the good things in life. Mary, Pat and Ruth have all done their best, but I am still a little freaked out. I know this cancer will get me in the end. I know that. I am not foolish enough to believe anything but that. It's just that when I was driving home, I just about thought it was time to call hospice. I am not making a joke, that is truly how I felt. And I can't tell you how bad it sucked. 

I am trying to look for the lesson in this. I am trying not to break down into a million tiny little pieces that cannot be put back together. I need to stay on this earth so I can be with my loves, feel Bennett's skin and make enough jam so that B doesn't ever have to eat jam from the store. 

2. Jam.  I promised a couple of people that I would post the tomato chile jam recipe that I made last week  (was it two weeks ago?).  Here it is and it is fantastic.

18 oz very ripe tomatoes

2-4 red chiles (I used two jalapenos)

4 cloves of garlic, peeled 

1 in piece of ginger, roughly chopped

2 T fish sauce

1 1/4 c. sugar

1/2 c red wine vinegar

Peel the toms and shop into 1/2" dice. Puree chiles, garlic, ginger and fish sauce in the blender. Put the puree, sugar, and vinegar into a stainless steel pot, add toms. Cook gently for 30-40 minutes (I found it took about twice that long to get a nice thick jam). Makes one pint.

That's about it. I am spent. I have no more. 

46 + 1 Day

A day like no other, isn't that true about every day? We woke at 7, B was full of energy. She is like how I used to be B.C. I used to hop right out of bed, no lingering for me, and get to work. It didn't matter what day it was, every moment was put to good use. Now I linger a lot. I toss and turn while B is clamoring for me to get up. Sometimes she gets tired of waiting and takes herself to her underwear drawer, changes her underpants and goes and finds something to do. That usually makes me nervous enough to get up. Often she has set herself up with something on Netflix or doing puzzles on the iPaddy. Next she'll be making toast.

So we were up and we hung out on the couch for a long time, just doing this and that. B found a new game on the iPad which rivals Cat Physics in excitement. I can feel her body tense every time she waits to see if the bunny is going to make it into the cottage (which is what she calls the platform where the bunny is supposed to land). She is really good at the spacial stuff, and more often than not her ideas work better than mine. She is quick to point out when I am wrong. I don't mind, because I am and there is no reason for ego when you are playing a game that involves booting the bunny over a glacier.

Intrepid Auntie Liz came through terrible traffic to pick B up to go to a birthday party. Apparently there was a pool, bounce houses and lots of friends from day care. Right now, B is in the bath playing quietly. I think this is the first time in days that she has had to entertain herself. I hope she is getting the hang of it, because it just the two of us tomorrow.

Makes me a little nervous not to have any back up, but we will get through it. It's the very last day of the pool at the club, so we will go to the club and hang out. If I get tired there are always princess movies to watch. Yesterday B asked us to start calling her Cinderella. She wants to change her name. That and her imaginary friend, Angua, makes it all so confusing. Angua has been around now for at least a year. She is 2 sometimes and sometimes 4 and sometimes a baby. She is a naughty side of B. Anytime she makes a mistakes, it's not Bennett but Angua who did it. It freaked me out for awhile, but the other day she told me to put Angua in time out. I told B that I could not see her so I didn't know how to put her in time out. She looked at me and said "momo, Angua is just pretend." Phew.

It's Official - 46

It's been a very good day, I have to say. I like being 46 already. Lots of email, calls and Facebook posts to usher in my new year. 

Pat arranged for B to be with Aunties Ruth and Theo all day today - and she must have had fun, because she fell asleep in about a nanosecond. I bet the same thing happened to Aunties. Pat spent the day at Snow Farm teaching, so I was pretty much alone all day. It may sound strange, but it was perfect. I got to talk on the phone uninterrupted, I read my book, I did the bills, poked around the house. I did some wondering about cancer and time and looked at old photo albums. I came away from that experience a little sad but mostly missing my good hair. I had such good hair. Pat reminds me that I still do, and I am grateful that I have any, but I had Really Good Hair. Boo.

I also came to the conclusion that whatever is giving me this mysterious pain in my back needs to be discovered. I hope and don't hope that something is shown on the scan. I hope it's nothing and if it's something, I hope it's not a big deal. But the pain is there often enough for me to feel like it may not be going away anytime soon - and maybe intervention is needed.

And, of course, that means I have been thinking about surgery and that just make me want to jump out of my skin. Nancy would tell to stop right now. But how do I stop when I get this worried? Sometimes it feels impossible. 

So how did we get here? I started the post all good and sunny, and ended with a poopy ending. Well, that is a pretty accurate reflection on my life right now. Up and down, up and down, and up again. Thank God for the ups. They are really most of the time.

Maybe I need to go take a minute to look at Bennett while she is sleeping so I can remember how blessed I am 

Better? Getting There

Ah, as every chemo cycle has been, I feel okay, then like crap run over by a truck, then a little better. I am at the little better stage. Pat took Bennett all over town to give me time to recover. They went to the B's school's open house, clothes shopping, the club, and who know where else. It was nice because they came home in between and I got to see them. It was good, I finished my book, took a nap, talked on the phone a bit.

I am looking forward to tomorrow. It will be my birthday, Pat will be teaching, Bennett will be with Aunts Ruth and Theo. I am mostly looking forward to tomorrow because I know I am inching my way to feeling better - and I predict tomorrow is the turning point.

I don't have any thing really to say. I am happy to be 46, grateful that I am alive. Hoping to see 47, 48, 49, 50...why stop there?

Ugh

Do I need to say more? Maybe just a short explanation will do. I got up at 7 this morning so Ruth and I could get to Worcester for my scan. Of course, I didn't get to eat or drink anything before I had to gulp down two giant bottles of orange flavored Barium. Yick. I am mean it. In solidarity, Ruth didn't have any breakfast either. I offered to share my barium breakfast, but she declined.

The scan only took a few minutes. They gave me that contrast dye that makes one feel "warm." What they should just tell you is that you are going to really really feel like you a peeing yourself and you are not going to believe that you didn't pee yourself until you feel that your pants are dry. That done, Ruth and I had about two hours before I could return my pump. I was grumpy and tired and sort of sick, so we sat in the sun, ate some breakfast and Ruth told me a lot of good stories.

We went to get my pump off a little early, and even though the medicine hadn't completely emptied, I asked them to take it off, I was so tired. So they did, and then fled to home. The barium always gives me diarrhea, so not much lingering when I said goodbye to Ruth the Rock. I went inside, pooped my brains out and fell asleep for three hours.

Right now I feel like serious crap. I have learned my lesson not to get a scan the same day as getting chemo. Two weeks until the results. I don't even really care about them right now. All I want is a heavenly night's sleep and my brain back. The same things I want every two weeks. I will work on getting a good night's sleep, as I do every night. And we all know I get my brain back just before I have chemo again. In the mean time, this Saturday is my 46th birthday. That feels like an accomplishment. I feel like I have done so much this year that I deserve to say that I am 47 - maybe I will.