Chemo Tomorrow

Yep, four weeks almost to the day after my surgery, I am up for chemo. I have been doing my best trying not to think about it all day. I feel great and I just hate the idea of not feeling great anymore. I have to confess that I am pretty sure I am going to feel just fine, but I feel I must worry about something. This time, thought, Dr. B told me not to take the prophylactic anti-nausea drugs, but to wait until I feel bad. This is good and bad. Last time I didn't have any nausea at all. I chalked that up to the drugs. As time passed, though, I stopped taking most of the them and the only thing that happened is I stopped being so dang tired all the time. So, I am going to take his advice and pray that I never feel bad enough to start taking the meds. One thing to remember, I take Atavan morning and night - for anxiety. It is also a powerful anti-nausea drug, I just might be covered.

I will keep you posted, as I know you know.

This morning I spent the day at the dentist. She fixed a tooth that broke over the weekend. The only thing she could do, without talking to Dr. B first, was just sort of use tooth putty that she sculpted into the shape of my tooth. She says it will last a long time and not to worry but that I need a crown at some point. Dental work and chemo do not mix well, so I will have to talk to Dr. B to see what he says. Until then, no crunching on that side of my mouth.

This afternoon, I have to say, was pretty boring. I am at the point in my recovery where I am still not really going outside because of the ice (I don't want to slip and have my guts spill out onto the pavement- this is my fear anyway). So I spent a lot of time watching more Little Pony videos. Hanging out with B is really fun, but not when she just wants to watch videos. At least not today. I do not want to sound ungrateful for my day and my time with B, I am just saying that I felt a little stir crazy.

Pat is out teaching at Hampshire tonight. Her class started tonight. I got B to bed by myself. It was fine. I am going to start teaching a stained glass class on Saturday. I am praying that I have the stamina to do it. I think it will be good for me. I taught the same class last year and had a blast.

Okay, wish me luck for tomorrow. I will tell you how it is. I am looking forward to seeing the nurses. They are all so nice

Great Weekend

Well, it was a wonderful weekend, full of friends and visitors. Yesterday started out with Bennett bringing Sandy and Avy home from ballet class. Then Elizabeth arrived from VT, then Aunt Ruth came over. It was so fun.

It was so fun that today at noon I had to take a 3 hour nap. I intended to sleep only for an hour, but, well, it went on a little longer than that. I feel good and am looking forward to a quiet evening of not doing much. Tomorrow too.

Tomorrow night I will expound on my chemo worries, but I don't want to talk about it right now. I just want to bask in the end of such a nice weekend.

Elizabeth is here

and here we are. It's been a good day of visiting and feasting on Chinese food. Looking forward to going to bed after such a good day. More tomorrow. I am feeling the love.

And This is What the Doctors Said

I am cleared to eat what I want. I can even eat kale and beans which I was warned away from the last visit. I can pick up Bennett, I have done that twice tonight. It twinges, but I will keep working on it.

Dr. W, the surgeon, said he is done with me and I am released back to Dr. B. I told him "nice work," and off he went. I am going to miss him. He has such good positive energy- very gungho about life. I like that in an oncology surgeon. The only bad news he told me was he had to remove some scar tissue from around my stomach and it came back cancerous. That means there is still a lot of non-visible cancer in there- you know cells here and there, that have not yet grown into tumors. The won't get the chance because...

I next saw the formerly dreaded Dr. B. We are going to use the same protocol with the same drugs for the first dose next week. The following dose with then be augmented with Avastin. This is a super tumor shrinking drug that they have had a lot of success with colon cancer. We can't use it the first round of chemo because my colon has not healed quite enough- so we wait two weeks for it. We get to use Neulasta - yay, that helps a lot with the fatigue and low blood cell counts. Both Dr B and Dr W said that my energy should be better now that I can eat.

I did not have to have a talk with Dr. B. I decided to change the way I think of him. He is my life-saving partner, just the way he is. He is not a gungho type, and maybe that's just as well. He is always thinking and thinking, and that's what I need in an oncologist. Yes, I will take the talented dork with no social skills thank you very much.

And, I should say, I have been eating up a storm. I am like a beast let out of a cage. I gained 5 pounds in two weeks. And I a totally psyched about it. I am still not at pre-surgery weight, but I will be soon enough. Possibly tomorrow with the way I going.

I start chemo next Tuesday for sure. At 10am. Ding ding, round three.

MYOB

What I mean to say is that I am minding my business and that it good. That I am staying in the moment and keeping myself here, now. It's not always easy, as my mind has been straying a little to tomorrow's doctors appts. I am pretty sure I know what they are going to say - my incision has healed well, that I am ready for chemo and that it will start on next Tuesday. I don't know what drugs they will use, but that will be revealed.

I was just remembering my last appt with the doc. She told me the pathology came back on the tumors they removed and that they were cancerous. I had been crying about something else, but the only thing I could think of to say to her was "no shit." I didn't fancy there was any other thing the tumors would be. But those tumors are long gone into the ether medical waste and I couldn't be happier. Now we move onto the liver.

I had a nice day. Tried to sleep in but Bennett insisted on watching this horrid Little Pony video. What makes it horrid is not that the ponies are all pastel colors and named things like twinkle and winky, but that they have these weird fake accents. Like one someone who didn't know better would use - fake Chinese, fake Mexican. It's sort of weirdly racist or something. Anyway, that woke me up, we hung out until it was time to take B to school (it opened a little late because of the snow). I went to acupuncture - it was incredible. I wish I could have acupuncture every day. I literally started singing "Day Dream Believer" by the Monkeys half way through the session. When Nancy came back into the room I asked why my mood had changed so dramatically, and she revealed the happy/calm spot where she put a needle. It was good.

Did I say that I drove myself? I did, and I loved the freedom. I went to get B from school by myself and have been having a lovely family evening ever since. The storm didn't amount to much - maybe 4-6 inches. We have these huge piles of snow in front of our house. If we get much more I am not sure where Pat will put it.

Please think good clear pink liver thoughts for me. I have been visualizing a healthy functioning liver and I like the way it looks.

Normal? Almost

Well, it's the end of a long day of acting normal. Getting up and doing stuff, like going to the bank and getting gas. Picking up Bennett at school all by myself was the big feat for the day. Bennett asked to look at my belly because she thinks I am all healed. I keep telling her that I am working on it as best I can.

I have to say it's heartbreaking every time I say it. I have a very good feeling about the new chemo drugs, so I am no too focussed on dying these days. It might be that I am just trying my damnedest to fully engage in the world and that means living - and not dying.

I have an appointment with Dr B on Friday, so I might be back to worrying about dying then. He is always such a bummer. I made a pact with myself that I am going to tell him that I totally understand my diagnosis and he does not need to beat me with it every time I see him. I want us to act like life saving partners and not like he expects me to croak at any moment and I really feel pretty good. The disparity of those two things is what gets me - he is supposed to be the expert and he is telling me something completely bizarre.

I am babbling. It took forever to get B to go to sleep. I am exhausted from acting normal and need to go to sleep. The world around me is very quiet - a little snow is falling. They are predicting another big storm. I am pretty sure it's not going to amount to much. I really want a big storm. There is a big part of me that wants the rest of the world to be as inconvenienced as I am. To have to stop and figure out how to manage something so big and dangerous as a blizzard and its aftermath. That is what I want- for everyone to have to look around and say "what the hell do I do now?" Because that is what I do every single day.

Thanks for the Love

I really needed it. For some reason I had a very hard day today. Lots of tears and teeth gnashing. Poor Pat, who comforts me through it all. I still don't know what the deal was. It may be that the nice long weekend with Pat and Bennett was over. That we have been talking about when P is going to go back to work. That I did the finances- ouch! It's been three weeks since my surgery and I feel pretty good physically.

I did a lot today. The opposite of what I have been doing for the last three days - which was sitting on my butt. We woke up to more snow - just about an 1 1/2 inches. It was beautiful but messy. I worried when B&P drove off to drop B at school. I cleaned the kitchen, folded the laundry and finally finished priming the damn bookshelf. I did the bills and that is what I could do. I sat for the next few hours and went with Pat to pick Bennett up at school. I am bushed, but in a better way than how I feel sitting on my butt. I will admit that I do have some discomfort in my belly that I didn't have yesterday. Maybe tomorrow I will not do as much. I have reflexology in the morning and that will probably set the tone for relaxation.

Oh, I almost forgot. Dr. B. called me tonight. We are starting chemo again next week. I should say that I am starting chemo next Tuesday. I was shocked. He said four weeks recovery from surgery is enough and I said okay. I am not, repeat not, looking forward to it. I decided that I am going to be braver this time. Last time I got a little too scared and wouldn't do some things that I am going to do this time. I am not going to miss too many B things. I am not going to be so paranoid about germs (within reason) and I am going to plow through the fatigue (if I get any) to have a fuller life. If my life is going to shorter than I want it to be, I am not spending it in bed for god's sake.

I am counting on all of you to help me stay motivated. To remind me to live my life to the fullest and not miss a thing. Swords out everyone, it's time to fight.

Not to Worry

No post tonight. Too tired. Send me some love, will you? I need it.

Sunday Night

It's been a quiet day. Not much to report. Still eating my brains out and today's craving was iced animal crackers. Pat got them for me - they are such a reminder of childhood. They are just as junky as I remember.

Pat took B to the Y to swim and I thought I would spend that time reading my book. I feel right to sleep on the couch and didn't wake until they got home. That was a surprise. I didn't know I was tired at all. I must have needed it. My belly continues to heal and I am surprised at how thin the scar is. Nancy the acupunturist has some treatments up her sleeve and is eager to get going on them. I will let you know what they are. The scar doesn't really bother me at all - it's not like my bikini look has somehow been ruined. Mostly I am grateful they were able to get as much of the cancer out as they did. It is easy, sometimes, to forget we still have to deal with my liver.

But I get ahead of myself, and I am trying to stay out of God's business and stay in mine.  Today is my business.

Aunt Ruth and Aunt Liz came over. Bennett was pretty much in heaven. It gave me a chance to get on the treadmill which wore me out. Bennett likes to come with me while I am on the treadmill, stand next to the treadmill and hold my hand. It is very sweet and loving. She really is the best soul I've ever met.

Time for bed, way past time for bed.

Posting with PopTarts

Another lazy day. Sat most of the day and got pretty bored by the end of it.

I did some crossword puzzles and am happy to report that my times did not change quite as much as I thought they would (in Mary's absence).

Tonight Bennett asked about Mary's other family. We are definitely going to have to visit M in England soon so B can see what Mary's other family is all about. She has, of course, met her cousins Alex and Anna. She mentions them every once and awhile, like she is remembering one of their visits. They are both gorgeous and fun and smart.

I am in fact eating a PopTart. How long has it been? Years. They are pretty delicious, I have to say. When Pat went to the store today I asked her to get me cookies. I also told her not to be stingy, because I have been having wicked cookie cravings. Not only did she get me three kinds of cookies, but also PopTarts and Frosted Flakes. My god, am I in a dream from when I was 10? The nice thing is I am trying to gain weight, that cream is good, Frosted Flakes with whole milk is in order here. I am happy to oblige.

Pat told me there hasn't been enough photography on the blog lately. I asked B if I could take come pictures of her in her ballet gear this morning. A big Nope, so I tried to post a video by her Aunt Julie who is in LA right now and missing her dog Lucy. Liz is too. I couldn't get it to work. Any tips?

I am going to finish my cross word and maybe watch a movie. I am not sure I can take it this easy for long. I think I am going to have to compromise between taking it so easy that I literally can't stand it anymore, and over doing it. I will keep you posted to how that balance works out. Isn't balance what everyone is trying to figure out all the time anyway?

A Lazy Lazy Day

As ordered, I sat on my butt practically all day. It was very relaxing. Bennett, like her Mom-o, did not get out her pjs. I read the second half of the last Harry Potter book and struggled to do a Tuesday NYT crossword. Mary and I could do a Tuesday puzzles in less than 15 minutes, alone I am afraid it's going to take hours.

We are all a little bereft without Mary today. Bennett asked where she was a couple times and even had quite a tantrum. I sort of know how she feels. Pat made a super dinner of roasted vegetables and chicken. A little tomato and avocado on the side and it was heaven. It's so nice to eat food. Even a little pear is like a revelation.

Not much to report. I feel better than I thought I would. I really thought I would not be this pain free and awake at this point. The doc said that recovery really takes a full 8 weeks. That seems an eternity. That is when I can pick B up, so I am sure I will be allowed to do a lot more than walk "no faster than a stroll" by then.

Avy came over the play and we had a nice visit with Sandy. It was a lovely day. Rev. Barbara called. She is a salve for me. Always so nice and easy to talk to. I hope to make it to church this weekend. Mornings are hard, but I really want to get back. I don't want to miss too much of the story. I have to say I was tempted to ask her what I've missed.

More tomorrow. I promise.

Raise Your Hand

if you are tired of hearing about how tired I am. Well, it's going to go on for a little while longer - that's what the doc said today. I got my staples out. Yayayayayay! I am hoping it will help with the itching. I have a kind of glue and some bandages on that will come off on their own over the next week. I got a stern talking to about taking it easier. The consequence of not taking it easy could be a hernia and surgery for that hernia with a 12 week recovery period. I heard that loud and clear. She also said that most people are still taking two naps a day. I haven't taken a nap in a while, hmmm, that may be why I am so tired every night. I noticed that the napping interfered with my night time sleep and I want my night time sleep to be good.

I also found out that anesthesia can effect my brain power for up to a month. I have been doing tons of cross word puzzles and other word games and they seem to be okay. My recall from conversations is not what is usually is. Sorry about that - you know who you are.

I am planning on be very relaxed and easy, so call, visit, write. I am available.

I am Wicked Tired

I am not going to post much. I will give you a thumbnail sketch of the day. Hang out, walk on the treadmill, almost finish priming the bookshelf, pick up Bennett from school (using the stairs to get to the classroom) and doing the after dinner dishes - all while feeling sad that Mary is leaving tomorrow.

We have to tell Bennett tonight. It's going to take her a while to get used the idea that Aunt M is not here anymore. I think we will all need a while.

Until then I am pooped to the max. More tomorrow.

Oh Blah

That's how I feel. Blah blah blah! Dr Bathini's office called tonight with an appointment for me. It was at night and I told them I could not go - okay maybe 4:30 is not at night, but I wouldn't get home before 8 and who would take care of Bennett? He wants me to be the last appointment because I take so much time. Well, it's not my fault they schedule appointments every 15 minutes. Really, for people with serious life-threatening illnesses. So I have to call tomorrow and schedule something, and boy I have to tell you that I feel really crappy about it. It's been nice to just be in recovery mode. Not anticipating anything in the future. And bam, there it is, without an invitation, Dr. B's secretary calling me.

It's really not that big a surprise, but it did knock me for a loop. I have been almost unnaturally calm the past week, just waiting for my appointment to get my stitches out and trying to eat as much as I can. Playing with Bennett, watching Pat work on the house, hanging with Mary doing crossword puzzles- you get the picture. I want to gain some weight, and everything tastes so good.

My appointment for staple removal was rescheduled to Thursday because of the storm. So I have no update on that today. The staples inside my belly button are still looking a little icky, so I am interested in what they have to say about them. I can only hope that they will know some trick to get them to heal the rest of the way.

I had a good day - stayed inside because of the ice storm. Walked on the treadmill, made a pair of mittens for Bennett - that took the majority of the day. I admired the paint job in the new bathroom - Pat is working hard on the new bathroom. She also ordered the flooring today. I can't wait until I can help again. I am still sore and still tired. Mary is leaving on Thursday and I am not sure exactly how that is going to be. At least Pat will not go back to work for another week or two and that will help. At that point I think I will be back in chemo and hopefully the new drugs will not knock me too out because I want to be able to live a lot more than I did on the old drugs. And really what kind of life is it when your just dragging around all the time afraid of your shadow? I am going to work really hard to plow through the fatigue (if I have any) and take Bennett to more places. Not as much time in the house is the thing I am aiming for. More life in my life - thank you very much.

No Post Tonight

Hi everyone,
No real post tonight. Still itchy. Still fine. sneezes are still the enemy. Will update tomorrow after going to Worcester.

Harry Potty

Yep, we went to see Harry Potty or Peter Potter as Bennett likes to call him. It was fun fun fun. The movie was great. I felt fine the entire time and there weren't that many people in the theatre. It was an absolutely gorgeous day and it was nice to come out of the theatre and it was still light. Pat was the perfect date, as always.

I came home and picked out a pattern for making B some mittens. All of her mittens let the snow in, so I am making these with extra long wrist cuffs. Did some crosswords puzzles, tried not the scratch my belly off. It is still itchy as heck. I am hoping it's just a temporary thing. I may lose my  mind if it doesn't stop soon.

Then I had my evening slump - hits around 5 or 6. It's like all the world stops and I just want to get horizontal. I haven't been taking naps, which may explain why I slept almost 11 hours last night. We all did  - we all sleep until 9 am. This has got to be a record for Bennett. I am hoping for the same tonight. I don't have a lot of faith because she had marshmallows for dinner. Whoops.

Tonight some knitting, healing and maybe a little TV. I am going to have to read the last Harry Potter book now because the movie was so good and was only about half the book. I think I've only read book 7 once or twice. It's not like the others, I can safely say that I've read the first book about a dozen times.  My niece Anna is an actual HP expert. According to her mom, Mary, she wins contests about HP at school. Pretty cool.

I am getting my stitches out on Tuesday. I am looking forward to that - I think it will help with the itching. Let's cross our fingers.

I Feel Like I've Been Released from a Prison Camp

That's right. I just had Pad Thai for dinner with a raspberry pavlova for dessert. When I tasted the pavlova that what I said - all those months of such a restricted diet and now I can eat pretty much whatever I want. I am supposed to keep the fiber to a minimum at this point, but after all this time I am not craving kale and beans. I am sure there will be a time when I do, just not today. 

Another lovely day. I slept like a log in my own bed (I've been sleeping alone for the past two weeks, in our new bedroom), woke up to Bennett asking me to play, got up and played and went from there. I am working super hard at being in the present and believing the best best best. I even went to get paint from Home Depot. That may have been a mistake. My abdomen is pretty sore - sorer than it was. I guess I have to get back into some kind of shape. Life shape. So I can grab as much of it as I can. 

Then home to hours of hanging with Bennett doing this and that. It was good. I feel like my recovery is on course. I do have some trepidation about chemo, but I am not going into the future these days. The future is God's business and not mine. If I am there, I am not here. And I want to be here with you all.

Will the Itching Ever Stop?

God, I hope so. I mean it, God make it so. It's driving me crazy. It kept me up last night and makes it hard to concentrate on anything else. I know it's good, I know it means I am healing, but man oh man it is hard to take. I talked to the acupuncturist and she told me I just have to wait. She also told me there are some people who suffer terribly from itching as a long term symptom. That's terrible.

I did not really sleep last night- if I did it was very lightly. Mary and Pat had the same problem. Must be the moon. I tried to sleep in, but just laid there and that was that. I had reflexology in my own bed, which only makes it more heavenly. I did 10 minutes on the treadmill and had a very nice visit from Sandy and Avy. Avy was really visiting Bennett, but it was so nice to see them.

I have been eating up a storm. I had Mary-made Chinese tonight, with a promise of Pad Thai for tomorrow. I must be in heaven. It's so nice to eat after such a long time. But, I have to say, it's also nice to know that I can be that restricted and make it through. That just may be the theme for today- making it through to the other side. I feel like I've made big strides in regaining my health -mental too. I think that not being able to eat and being so worried about my digestion was harder on me than I realized. I am out the other side of this surgery, and I can anticipate the day I get to pick Bennett up. She is ready too. She keeps asking if today is the day. I can have her on my lap fairly comfortably, but not for very long. She had been incredibly gentle with me- she really sees and hears everything. I love her so much, even more for her gentleness.

Not much else to say. It was a very nice mellow day. Here's to nice mellow weekend for us all.

Pizza and Other Luxuries

I had a very nice day today and I have to say it was very luxurious. I feel good, very very ridiculously itchy, but good. I got to sleep in, the sun was shining in the new bedroom where I am sleeping during my recovery. It was lovely to wake up to the sounds of snow shovels and kids waiting for the bus. Tho there was one boy who was screaming a lot and thought maybe he didn't have very many friends.

Mary and I went to the flooring store. Upon arrival I realized how tired I was. It's like leaving the house, where I feel good, reminds me that I am wicked beat. I think it must be all the different stimulus. I don't know. I do know that most of the flooring out there is incredibly ugly and expensive. We settled on cream/yellow or burnt orange stripes Marmoleum. Pat will do the installation. First she needs to finish painting - she did the ceiling tonight. Tomorrow Mary and I will pick out the paint. That will be my big outing.

And today I didn't even have a nap. What?!? I know, I tried, but after acupuncture I was a little buzzy instead of super relaxed and tired like a usually am. So, I just hung out while Mary who had had a treatment too, as napping. Pat was picking up Bennett and they went to Home Depot to get some wood. Then while I was playing with Bennett, Mary made an almond crust pizza that was delicious. It has been months and months since I ate a piece of pizza. I feel so lucky.

Tonight I will watch a little TV and go to bed early. I can feel that I am fading fast. That's not such a bad thing, after all a lot of healing is happening here and I've got to sleep plenty. Love to you all.

Sneezes are the Enemy

Today was a good day. Very mellow- just what I needed.  My incision is healing nicely - except the bit in my belly button, but I am working on that. I am itchy like mad, which I still believe is a mark of healing. I walked seven minutes on the treadmill today - up from yesterday's four. Tomorrow I will try for ten.

The treadmill is right behind that glass door, so I got to watch the snow fall and people cleaning up. I was a little jealous because I actually like to shovel snow and be out with everyone while they also shovel. It feels as close to a community activity as our street gets.

The seven minutes made me too exhausted to take a shower, I got all the stuff I needed put it in the bathroom and promptly took a two hour nap. That on top of watching another princess movie with Bennett took up most of the day.

I am really proud of myself for how fast I am healing. When I think about that first night and losing pain management and standing up for the first time after surgery, it's like night and day. And the day is just going to get better.

Tomorrow Mary and I are either going to the flooring store to pick out flooring for the bathroom, or to the paint store. That activity, I am sure, will warrant naps and lots of sitting and doing crossword puzzles. I think one activity a day is enough for now. Keep the good thoughts and prayers coming - they are working.

I Thought I was Tired! Ha!

This is going to be short and sweet. I am beat to crap. My stomach is yellow and purple and is smarting. I tried to paint the bookshelf today but only got one and half shelves done before I was done. I then had a 2 hour nap, from which Pat woke me to take me to Harry Potter. We got there and the time on Fandango was wrong. It was a huge disappointment for both of us. We haven't been to the movies in years. So we came home and I took my spot on the couch and watched a Barbie movie with Bennett.

There is a restlessness in our house tonight. I bet it's the coming storm. B is having a terrible time going to sleep, I am tired and wired and sore and, I can safely say, a little freaked out. Just trying to heal is enough for me tonight. Sleep well all my fellow warriors.

I am Tired!

I slept until noon today and already want to get into bed for the night. Pat got me out of bed, she is right that it is not good for my head or body to be in bed all day. I went with her to pick up Bennett from visiting her old preschool. I didn't get out of the car - but I did get out of the house. It was a beautiful day. The rest of the day was spent with Bennett on the couch. I did a ton of leaning forward without really knowing it and now my tummy is sore sore sore. And I am tired. It's one thing to be in the hospital getting better, it's another thing answering a three and half year olds "whys" for half the day. Delightful, life affirming, but exhausting.

Pat says we have to have a project every day. Tomorrow my job is to help prime a book shelf in the new bedroom. Seems reasonable. Tonight we will finish watching the #6 Harry Potter - I couldn't make it through the whole thing last night.

So, how am I? Tired, sad, happy to be healing so well. Trying desperately to stay in the moment. It's my biggest challenge. So many tempting lies and half-truths to keep me scared and sad. The real truth is all we have is now. This is true for all of us, not that we want to admit it, we are all mortal. I've just been given the biggest kind of reminder that can be given. So take it from me - just take a moment to love the ones you are with. Admire them and remind them why you love them. Remind them why it is good to be this crazy Earth with them.

Feeling It

Feeling it all. I mean it. I have been so happy and so sad today that it's starting to make me a little crazy. Mostly I am happy to be home, alive, with my incredible family, eating, napping, and being. I have been sad, so sad about having to spend time in the hospital and have an operation and have cancer still.

This really is step two in a many step process and I have to be careful about thinking too much about the future. I have to stay out of God's business.  If I stay in the moment, I can feel the happiness and not the worry.

I had acupuncture today with fab Nancy. She made a house call and while I was sitting with my needles zinging, she gave Mary a treatment. Her shoulder is feeling better tonight. My belly is super itchy- I don't know what that means, but I am taking it as healing sign. I will see her again Thursday, thank goodness. Tomorrow I am going to call my other healers and see what we can arrange for the week. I also have a plan to see Harry Potter tonight in preparation of seeing HP in the theatre this week.

Pat has been an incredible rock of strength. She and Mary and probably Bennett are all coming down from the stress of travel and me being absent. Mary has been constantly by my side playing crosswords and helping with all the hard bits. Making me what I am craving - today it was a chocolate malt shake.

I'm Still Out

Post surgery with my prayer shawl and party hat.

Not that I was planning to go anywhere, but it's still a marvel that I get to be home. I am healing and feeling. That's all I can say. I am pretty sore, still not using any pain meds. I think all of the mental prep I did before the surgery has really helped. I listened to my healing meditation recordings literally all night at the hospital- when I woke up (or was woken up), I would just turn it back on. I took Arnica, after talking to the surgeon about it. He didn't know what it was, but diligently looked it up and before the surgery told me I could "take that plant" if I wanted to. I did, so I did.

Nancy the acupuncturist, is coming tomorrow for a house call. She will give me a treatment and then while I am resting, she will give Mary a treatment for her frozen shoulder muscles. I can't wait to see her.

All and all it's been an okay day. I have been going between elation and sadness. It's exhausting. I think we are all really tired. I went back to bed today for what I thought would be an hour and Pat woke me when she checked on me 3 1/2 hours later. I will probably do the same tomorrow.

I thought I would try to get the church in the morning, but right now that seems like overdoing it. I will have to miss a week, which makes me sad. I really get a surprising amount of sustenance from going to church. I will miss it.

Tonight I got to eat pasta for the first time in a very long time. It was delicious. I am so grateful to be alive today. Even sore, even with the chemo coming up, even with everything, today is a good day.

I'm Out

 I am out of the hospital and successfully reacclimmated myself to my lovely home with my lovely family. I do not like being in the hospital. The people were incredible and work their butts off. I just don't like feeling like I HAVE to be there. I am lucky the surgery went so well. The got out all the gunk in my abdomen! Yay! The main tumor was "not that big" according the the surgical oncologist - just as big as his fist. I can't imagine how big it was before the seven, count 'em, seven chemo treatments. He took out about a foot of my colon and 18 inches of lower intestine. And some other stuff here and there, but no other organs. I have an incision about 10" long - right through my belly button tattoo.  They were very careful about matching it up properly. A very sweet and, I have to say, very young surgical intern told me it is actually easier to stitch up incisions with tattoos than without. I am happy I could help them with my 25 year old, saggy reminder of my past.

I left feeling pretty good. Still no pain meds since yesterday at 10 am. I don't really need them, and feel like if I took them I would over do it. It's hard enough for me not to be doing stuff already - on day one. And I am supposed to take it easy for weeks. My doc said after I recuperate, I get to start picking Bennett up again. That is really really cool for me. She is very interested in my belly and the metal staples that are there. She has been very gentle so far, but it's hard to explain to a 3 year old what surgery is and why ones would have it. Especially since I am trying not to scare the crap out of her. It just may be too late for that.

So tonight I plan on having a good sleep in the new bedroom that Pat made pretty for me. Thanks for all the comments and well wishes. I declare the I will up for visitors, but please call first. And I got the clearance to eat whatever I want in moderation- still low fiber but I don't have to be so crazy as before. Thank God and I mean that. Thanks for everything.

Today I'll Be Sprung

Today I get to go home. I have met all the criteria for healing and now the real resting can begin. I haven't had pain meeds in about 18 hours and feel pretty good. They gave me something called torredol yesterday and I did not like it and I said stop no more. I will be sent home with meds, I am sure, but no more big crazy mind bending pain meds. A little anti anxiety meds are difinitely in order.

I had totally weird dreams and nightmares last night. They were so presistent, that I jus decided to encourage them. I figured I must be processing big things, at a deep level, so it needs to come out. That helped. I don't think fighting would have helped.

So now I will go home and continue to process and heal. I am already ready to call in my healers and I am looking.forward to getting back to church

More later to you all.

It's Me

Hello everyone, it's Ruth here. It's early in the morning, before dawn, but lots of activity is happening around me. The docs were just here for their daily exam. This time they thumped on my abdomen, that was pretty bold considering.

I am pretty tired and have a headache which is a common side effect of the pain medication. Ironic.

I am not sure what to write about. Here are some things that are on my mind, first and foremost is how to stay in the moment. The pain keeps me there pretty well. I am not in tons of pain, because I have a button that I push when I need relief. They call it a PCA, I am not sure what that stands for - pain control analgesia, I just asked. It has dilauid in it. The epidural catheder stopped working the night before last- that had fentinil and bibuvicaine in it. Dr. Whalen said that epidural catheters are brilliant when they work, but when they fail it's like having no pain meeds at all. Yep, that's what it was like. I kept asking myself if this is what agony is. It was terrible, I'll just leave it at that. So I still have the epidural catheter, but just with bibuvicaine. BTW don't trust my spelling of the meeds...

Since writing the above, I have taken a walk gotten the epidural catheter out and am waiting for them to take the other catheter out. I wonder if I remember how to pee by myself.

Hospitals - how are you supposed to get better in them?

Yesterday Ruth was sharing a room with a confused, slightly deaf lady who couldn't remember to stay in bed, so kept setting off an alarm. Ruth negotiated a move to a bigger room across the hall with a quiet lady. However she was discharged today. Her new room mate has a big family but they speak French and somehow that isn't so irritating (yet).

Ruth was up doing laps of the ward this morning. Tonight, some of the pain relief has worn off and she wants her money back from the anesthesiologist, having been talked into a spinal block rather than a drug induced fug.

Ruth had a video chat with Bennett this afternoon. I was at the Bennett end and it was really wonderful to see Miss B lean over and kiss Ruth on the computer screen. She even wiped her mouth with the back of her hand like Ruth had delivered a particularly wet one.

I’m still here at 10pm and the ward just starting to quieten down.

Keep your thoughts and prayers for a restful, healing night coming to Mass Memorial Hospital, Worcester, Room 345, Bed A.

Mary

Post-surgery update

The surgeon said that Ruth's surgery was very straightforward. As far as he's concerned he's got all of the cancer outside of the liver, which is great news.

More later....

Temporarily taking over from the Editor-in Chief

Ruth has given me the daunting task of updating her excellent blog until she’s up to doing it herself.

We arrived at the American Cancer Society’s Hope Lodge in Worcester yesterday afternoon. It’s a beautifully refurbished mansion in Worcester, full of stained glass, wood panelling and rules. These are obviously in place to keep cancer patients and their carers from partying til the wee hours, keeping the neighbours up.

Ruth was incredibly calm as we conquered several of the NY Times crossword puzzles (including a Wednesday one), played Scrabble (I kicked her butt, but not as bad as Janna does) and watched Heroes. The best bit was, when we went to bed, she slept all night. At least until the alarm went off at 5am.

She’s was taken upstairs for surgery prep at 6:30am. I’m now waiting until she comes out – chapstick, glasses and hat at the ready.

Will update you all again later today.

Mary

Happy New Year

So far so good. I am liking 2011. Mary is here, Aunt Ruth just left after a nice long visit. Tomorrow we are off to Worcester for the night and some serious pooping.

I am not going to post long tonight. I am feeling fine and good with an underlying nervousness. Better than the other way around. Mary will be guest blogging for me Monday night, and I will not be posting tomorrow night. Well, if I do it will be a short one because I will only have the Ipad, and I don't like to post from the Ipad.

You all know what to do - keep the light coming. Your radiance will be blinding.