Tag Sale Warriors

Another goal met. The tag sale is over, the dust has cleared and we are all exhausted. It was a total blast, I met some of my neighbors for the first time, gave excited children books for free,  gave a blue's clues stuffed dog to a little boy in a stroller who wanted it really bad and his mom said no (I am not sure the mom was too happy with me), and generally got rid of a whole lot of junk. All day we waited from someone to take the huge hutch. Pat and Liz dragged it down the stairs and I put a FREE sign on it. We had a lot of lookers and no takers. A few people even tried to fit a piece of it (it breaks down into two pieces) in their truck or minivan. Nope, didn't fit. So after we cleaned up and rested a while, off we went to dinner at our favorite Vietnamese restaurant hoping that someone would come along and take it while we were one, and lo and behold when we got home it was gone. Yay, hallelujah, and yippee.

So, now that goal is done, the drywall guy starts on the rotten pink room on Wednesday. I have a meeting with Dr. B. on Tuesday, Pat works all day Monday. It's going to be a busy week. Next goal is getting the new bathroom functioning and the rotten pink room painted (after the drywall is in). We also decided that we should drive across the country next summer. I have always wanted to do that, and now is the time.

It was a terrific day. Lots of sun and fun. Here we are the tag sale warriors, me and Elizabeth:

The Scan Plan

It's over. I had the scan. It was fine. It was just like all the other scans, a big glass of what Ruth said tasted like orange Barium (she was nice enough to taste it when I asked her to, now that is a true friend), an injection of contrast dye that makes you feel exactly like you are peeing your pants but you are not, a few minutes in a tube and that's it.

More on the contrast dye thing. They call that sensation "you will have a very warm feeling." They don't say where - my arm? my leg? my head? surprise that warm feeling is only in one place - the unnameable genital area. What they should say is "you will feel just like you are peeing yourself, but you are not, I promise."

There was only one other weird thing, they told me to keep my shoes on. So I was walking around in a hospital gown and socks and big old shoes. It felt wrong somehow. But I wasn't going to argue with the person who controlled how much tropical orange barium I had to drink.

So now I wait. I think it will be okay. I had a thought that maybe Dr B would call me tomorrow, but I don't know if he has to present my case to the tumor board or not. They meet of Friday afternoons. It's much more likely that I will find out next Tuesday when I meet with him in person. Pat and I were talking about it last night and this is what I came up with - if it's good news I want to know, if it's bad news I want to know. Better to know the bad news now and maybe we can do something about it than to wait any longer. I have this lingering pain about three inched above my belly button. It might be nice to know that it's 1) nothing, or 2) something to take care of.

Thanks for all the prayers and strong good thoughts. I will keep asking and asking. I need it.

Bloggin' with my Fuzzy Noggin

Here I am with my fuzzy head. It's exactly 1/2 inch all around. Bennett said she liked me hair a little bit longer - in those words. Well, I hope I keep some of it for her sake. The top seems pretty full still, the side will need sunscreen because there is not much there. Oh well. It's soft and fuzzy and may get me a military discount . My friend Ruth reminded me that now I get to prove that my mead is a good shape - as I professed on this blog so many months ago.  The hair dresser told me to feel better soon. I actually feel dine. That's the rub - how can I actually be this fine and still have cancer? A question with no answer.

Scan tomorrow. Lots of prayers and good powerful thoughts please. That's all I ask. Good night to you all.

Heat Miser

My hair looks like Heat Miser so much that I even sang the song to Bennett. She liked it. I am getting a haircut tomorrow and I can't wait. Not only is my hair literally coming out in clumps, I can't get it to do anything but stand straight up - including the sides. Tomorrow I will post a before and after. Pat thinks it looks cute, but I think it's the love talking.

Talking about love, it was a great day. I sorted and tagged and filled bins with stuff for the tag sale for four and half hours. I am so excited about getting rid of all the crap that I have collected over the past two years. I don't even care how much money I make, I just want it all to go. I still have a few hours of work to do. I am down to the hard stuff and I don't want to over or under price things. If I didn't have this to stew over, I would be worrying about the scan.

It's in my head a bit, mostly I am worried about drinking the huge quantity of the goo they make me drink. It is tropical flavored, but you can still taste the radiation or whatever they are giving me. I told Ruth (who is taking me on Thursday, she is a champion at accompanying me to tests and chemo) that I was going to pretend like I was drinking Mai-Tais. It's a stretch, but at least the thought doesn't make me queasy.

B and I met Sandy and Avy at the park. It was super fun to be out in the sun. I had a great time chatting  with Sandy. Bennett and Avy just spent the entire time annoying the crap out of each other. They are like sisters sometimes- they want to be together, but they pester and poke at each other. They actually had a fight over a piece of garbage today. They both wanted it. Pat had to pry it from Bennett's hand to give the piece of garbage back to Avy. It is nice that B has such a good friend that she can know she is loved no matter what. Isn't that what it's all about anyway? I think so

A Surprise and Some Fear

Today was a day, that's what I can say about it. I have to acknowledge my gratitude that I got to have this day. As Mondays happen, I had Bennett all day. She is good fun and I love to hang out with her. We went to Trader Joe's and she ate a million little samples of veggies pizza and wee cups of milk. Ran into some old friends and had to tell them I have cancer. The answer "cancer" to "what are you up to these days?" is a real conversation stopper. No one ever knows what to say, and really neither do I. I should know- I've had nine months practice.

Two surprises today. My hair is coming out in clumps. Ah, I thought I would escape it this time, but no luck. I will get my head buzzed on Wednesday after acupuncture and that will be that. The second, and bigger surprise is that Bennett also gets benefits from Disability. Enough, maybe just maybe, to send her to a good school. She gets the money until she turns 18 or finishes high school, whichever is first. I am telling you, you get cancer people throw money at you. Or me, really. And she gets the money whether or not I am still walking this earth. Very cool.

The fear. Well, that's another thing altogether. I have my fifth, yes fifth, CT scan on Thursday. I won't have the results until Tuesday, but the fact that I have the scan is sitting in a tiny, but very active part of my brain. I can't imagine that much will be different, I am pretty sure it will be just that we continue on the chemo and the drugs are working fine. I am not worried that things are getting worse, because they took so much cancer out during the surgery. I don't have much to say today, but I am sure I will have more to say tomorrow and the next day and the next.

The only answer for the fear is to stay in the moment and to have some chocolate-covered peanut butter-filled pretzels. You know what I mean?

Easter was Good

Easter was good and whipped cream was consumed, eggs found, too many jelly beans eaten. Aunties Liz and Julie were excellent reps for the E. Bunny. It's been a good day. Thank God.

Butt Kicked, Gratitude Intact

I am feeling it still, but doing good. This is what it feels like to get my butt kicked this time. My fingernails feel like they are on too tight (when I stretch my fingers, my fingernails turn white), my arms are fatigued and sore, my heart beats really fast anytime I do a little work, I have a thirst that I can't seem to quench, I have a headache and my nose is pretty much full of blood all the time. There are a few other things that shall remain nameless, but I just wanted to get it all on paper (?) so that you all know what it's like. Or at least can know 7 out of 10 things that are bothering me when I say chemo is kicking my butt.

Not all is full of terribleness and fatigue. I had a nice long day with B today. Pat set up the TV, DVD and VCR in the living room so we could have our own film festival. We watched Cinderella, part of the Empire Strikes Back, and other princess movies. Then we dyed eggs. It was a total blast. We had five colors, a dozen eggs, and lots of spoons. B made lots of colorful eggs and then decided we should put all of the dyes in one bowl as an experiment. One egg went in and came out camouflage green. The next thing I know, all the eggs are in the dye and we have 12 green eggs. I asked her if she liked green eggs and ham and she giggled and asked if I was making a joke. She is just learning about joking.

We had some egg salad on toast and goofed around until Pat got home. I had a nap which revived me like nothing else, and now I am eating pears, almonds and cheese and looking forward to the morning which will be sunny (fingers crossed) and bunny-filled. Happy Easter to you all.

Quickie

Didn't post last night because I was asleep before Pat finished reading Bennett her books. I remember Pat starting Boodles, but not finishing - that was about 7pm. I slept until 10 this morning, had a nap this afternoon and feel like keeling over at this very moment. Phew, this one is a butt kicker. And it's my butt that is getting kicked.

I have to admit that I drove myself to Worcester yesterday and cleaned out the hutch, so I didn't exactly take it easy. And today I went to the Eric Carle Museum with B, Sandy and Avy to see a puppet show. Luckily we had driven together and Sandy drove home. I sort of forgot that Friday is the day I feel underwater and should be kept in the house. I will try to remember next time, and the time after that.

Tomorrow Pat is working all day and I will have B to myself. I am going to try my best to make it a pj day. Lots of cuddling, watching movies and generally goofing around. Aunt Ruth is away. so we won't have our usual Saturday visit. The Easter bunny is coming to Aunt Liz and Aunt Julie's house. I heard he is bringing too much candy and some brisket for supper. I love that bunny already.

I just have to take it one day at a time. I am tired, but through the tiredness I can feel the gratitude that I am not sick and that I know that I will feel better tomorrow. And even better the next day.

Posting with Truffles

Well, does it count if I just finished eating them? I say yes, because the memory of the chocolate is still on my tongue. What a good day I had today. Shopping for frames and bean bag chair was a big success. I came home and did most of the things on my list. I have always found it profoundly satisfying to cross things off the list as I go. The one thing I didn't get done (cleaning out this giant hutch the our friend Susan gave us) will be done tomorrow. There is a ton of stuff in there and we are going to give it away at the tag sale. It's just too big. Susan used to call it the behemoth, which is just about right.

I had an awesome afternoon and evening playing with B. When I picked her up from school she told me she had been worried about me today. That she had a bad dream about me. That and that she loved me with all of her heart. I think it's the presence of the pump. Thank goodness it's going back tomorrow. But I have to say, it was super fun to just play and talk and play and talk all afternoon and evening. She has so much interesting stuff to say, I could listen her all day. Every day.

Tomorrow to Worcester and some hutch cleaning. Sounds more than reasonable. Here's to all of us a reasonable and lovely day.

The Spiral

We are looking for a spiral staircase kit for the loft. I have always wanted one - since I can remember. Pat is bent on making one from scratch, I am rooting for the kit. I'll keep you posted.

I had a very nice time with chemo today. Everyone seemed to be in a good mood despite the rainy day, Pat and I watched the second Steig Larrsen (sp?) movie "The Girl Who Played with Fire." We still have about 30 minutes left to watch tonight. It is a very compelling movie.

Everything just went as expected. I got tired, I got bionic chemo eyes, Bennett got a little clingy, I craved a Cesar salad with blackened chicken. Pat was the best and went to Northampton to get me one. It was just what I wanted, that and ciabatta with butter. This maybe why I am now officially at the same weight I was when I diagnosed. I don't want to go any higher, so maybe not so much ciabatta next time.

I have lots of nice things to do tomorrow, not over-do it, but to get somethings done. Target for a bean bag chair, moving a small bookshelf and reorganizing B's books (and maybe putting some in the Tag Sale pile), yeah, like that.

I hope I will be able to sleep tonight. I can tell that I am a little hopped up on the steroids and I have a hard time sleeping the first two nights after chemo in the past. I will do the best I can and see what happens. That's all I can do to go up the spiral and keep things good.

"I am always okay"

brilliant words I heard from the noble four-year old Avy. She took a hard tumble and when her mom asked if she was okay, she said so directly "I am always okay." A thing for me to remember every single moment. Oh, the wisdom of the new to this earth.

Tomorrow I have chemo. There's not much more to say about that. I am trying to fight the pavlovian effect of the smell of the Ambulatory Care Center where I get chemo. The last few times I went in, I started to feel queasy immediately. I don't want that to become something that I have to fight every time I go - since I am going to be going for a long time. The rest of my life.

I am always okay. Even in this very moment.

More Cleaning, A little Gardening

Bennett and I spent the morning cleaning out her clothes. She was brutal and sad at the same time. Some things she didn't want anymore were things that I thought we so darling that I just had to tell myself, I am not the one who is wearing these things. On the flip-side we kept a lot of things that I think are tacky. Again, I am not the one who is wearing it. So we filled 10 grocery bags of clothes to go into the tag sale pile. And believe me she still has plenty of clothes. Way too many dresses, her wee closet is jammed.

That took most of the morning. She ended up with a strange outfit on - disparate things that she wanted to wear and it was really cute. We watched Monsters, Inc. and hung out. Pat worked her butt off on the new floor. It looks really great. Photos to come. We all went to Home Depot to get as many kinds of glue Pat needs to finish her project. Some of the tiles are not sticking as well as they are supposed to.

I slept too late to get to church. I miss it when I don't go. I didn't get a chance to get into the studio this weekend, but that's okay. A new bathroom floor is worth it. I feel fine and pretty normal today. I planted some herbs in the tiny front garden, did some laundry, nothing really to write home about. But, I suppose, in the scheme of things that each one of these normal activities is a triumph of sorts. I am eating (too) well, my energy is pretty good though I get tired faster than usual and when I am doing chores sometimes I am breathing harder than I would before chemo. I can't say before cancer, because until my colon perforated I was totally without symptoms. Fair or not, I assign all my ailments and changes to the chemo.

I have chemo this week. I will harp on that tomorrow too, and when it happens you will know all about it. I am sure it will be easier this time because I need it to be. That's all. I just plain need it to easier this time.

Chuck the Drywall Guy

Pat spent most of the day installing a new floor in the new bathroom. I helped for about an hour or two before pooping out. Pat said it really was easier to work alone anyway. She is 7/8 done, that is an estimate. It looks great and I am glad we are getting so much done on the house. I have this urge to make sure everything is in order. Maybe I just want it all set because of the death thing, or maybe, just maybe it's spring cleaning fever. Death or spring, it doesn't really matter, because lots is getting done.

I called Chuck the drywall guy to get him in to put drywall up in the room we call the "rotten pink room." We need a new name and have tried out a few, even though the room is no longer rotten (the floor was disgusting and even the supports to the floor had to be ripped out) and will soon not be pink, no new name has stuck. We've tried the Gallery, but it's too pretentious. We tried the Great Spot, because the ceiling is high and Pat has always wanted a great room. Something will stick, for now it is still the rotten pink room. He has worked for us before but didn't remember who I was until I told him I am the one with cancer. He and his wife are both cancer survivors. We had him booked to do a ton of work right when I was diagnosed and had to cancel because everything was so topsy turvy. Now we are having do a room here and there when we can afford it.

I e-mailed the electrician to finish the bathroom electrical work. I e-mailed the plumbers to book them for mid-May to get the fixtures in - they did the actual plumbing ages ago. It's all good and happening. Pat and I talk all the time about what the next project will be. There is no end to what we can do to this house. Thank God because I want to be here for it all.

I feel good. I have a wee dram of dread about next week's chemo, but I will not let it get in the way of the next two days. I am taking care of a friend's cat this week, so I have to at least get to her house once a day and that is a good goal for days like the Friday after chemo. Pat is working Saturday, so I have to be on the ball to take care of B. This is all good for my psychology. Having beings counting on me always gets me out of bed.

So Much Done

I am again going to open a post describing how tired I am. I am pooped. I should write a post in the morning, then you would hear about how great I feel but I wouldn't have much to report.

Anyway, I went to bed at the same time as Bennett last night, so no post. I had a good day, but was so exhausted I slept for almost 12 hours straight. The reason I am so tired today is that I had a great day. Lots of time at the park in the sun with Bennett and Sandy and Avy. Everyone was in a great mood because it was such a  gorgeous day. When we got to the park, Sandy and Avy were entering from the other side of the park. Bennett got off her bike and ran toward Avy. As soon as Avy saw Bennett, she started running to Bennett - it was like a movie. They were so happy to see each other. What a way to live, so open and loving that you can't do anything but run to your person.

Before the park, Pat and I went on a sorting the crap out of our house rampage. We even got Bennett to go through her stuffed animals. We are having a tag sale on April 30. Some of you know I was planning to have a tag sale last year, but the cancer got in the way. Somehow, though, I never stopped collecting stuff to sell. So now we have a LOT of stuff to sell. Our good friend Elizabeth is coming down from VT to sell some of her stuff and Aunt Ruth might be able to help. It should be a good day.

The only other big new is I am officially disabled. I got approved less than two months after applying. That is like a minor miracle - they told me it would take 6 months and that 90% of the cases get denied and have to go for an appeal. So this news can either be really great news - so fast, so much money, such great support from my attorney and the government. Or it can be experienced as - what the hell did Dr. B. put on the forms that made them move so fast? I am going to try really hard to choose case number 1- because Dr. B. did tell them anything I don't already know. For today, I am a healthy, energetic (between the hours of 8 and 4:30), happy person with cancer. All and all, that doesn't seem so bad.

Good night to you all. Sweet dreams.

Posting with Popcorn - Chocolate Covered

Phew what a day! I am happy it's now quiet - Pat is putting Bennett is bed and I am snarfing down chocolate covered popcorn from Trader Joe's. It's delicious. Made even more delicious by the fact that it is not mashed potato soup or any soup for that matter.

I am wiped out, tired, tuckered out, beat, you name it. It must be all the rain, or being woken up by Bennett this morning at what I was sure was 4 am and it turned out to be 7 - so no hitting the snooze button. As if Bennett had one.

I had a great acupuncture session today. I think Nancy set me straight. I was really effected by meeting that woman in the waiting room last week and it sort of knocked me out of living in the present - which is no good for me. When I get into the space where I am what iffing myself to the point of not being able to sleep and I can't really pay attention to what is going on around me (I got two parking tickets, which I never get).  So I feel better able to be in the now, to separate myself from that woman in the waiting room. She is not me, I am not her - I am just a middle aged woman eating candy (I love candy), posting on my blog, waiting for my wife to come be with me for the evening. And that, my friends, is a great place to be.

One more thing. Bennett had a choral performance tonight with her class. She has been practicing the songs for seven weeks, even teaching Aunt Ruth one of the songs in the car on the way to the performance. She was so excited. Alas, when the performance started she got too shy and didn't participate. Poor thing. At the end, she ran to me and cried "I missed it." and bawled her head off. My poor girl.

A Perfectly Dull Day

Who could ask for more? Bennett and I lolled around, played like fiends, went to the park of a abbreviated stay (most of which she stayed cuddled in my lap), we ate yummy things, read books and had dinner with Pat. It was a good day with no drama, no pain, no threats of chemo land. It only took me a week of recover - holy crap. That's a long time. Now I have a week to enjoy feeling free of the shackles of chemo. Thank God.

Medium on the Hopometer

Feeling better, doing more. It's better. I actually did some good stuff today, which I will talk about later. I just feel the hard hard pull of chemo land. I don't want to go there, I want to be in this moment, with my people, in with the love.

I made some grapefruit jam today as you can see below.

It took three hours of mostly waiting around and stirring. Pat and I (really Pat) worked on Bennett's room some more. It looks great. We actually moved the bed into it, so it's really a room. There are still some details, but it's an exciting moment. She is so big- she asked me if when she is four does she get another bigger bed. A huge bed, she wants. All of her pants are starting to get too short and her vocabulary now includes things like "delicate." She is with her Aunties right now. I am sure getting into lots of good mischief.

So, I will soldier on and avoid chemo land. I will be in the moment and work hard to do things that I love, like make jam and a good cozy room for B. And do what I can for Pat who is the hardest worker I know. She is most the rock-solid person I know. She amazes me everyday, as does Bennett, and all of you. That will keep me out of chemo land.

Low on the Hope-o-Meter

Or is Hopometer? I don't know. I think what happened on Thursday is still throwing me for a loop. I still feel a little sad and mopey. I am sure Nancy would have a thing or two to say - and she is always right. I just can't conjure her up right now. I will try again later.

It was a beautiful day today and it sort of went by without me acknowledging it in any way. I worked cleaning my studio area for about an hour this morning. It's a total disaster - covered with saw dust and tools and stuff with no home (yet). I had a quick lunch and went to see Hop with Bennett and Aunt Ruth. It was fun to eat too much buttery popcorn and watch B watch the movie. She stood up and danced with all the music and loved up Aunt Ruth a lot. I got home we all worked a little bit on B's room. The floor is in, the base boards are in - Pat did a great job, and now the decorating begins. The storage units we bought are built and perfect. Now we have to start the big migration of toys and stuff strewn all over the house into Bennett's own room. Thank the heavens, it's about time!

Pat took B to the park and a tag sale where B scored a Cinderella carriage with a little Cinderella and a little Prince. Tonight when I put her to bed she asked me "mom-o can you hear the beautiful music? The are dancing in the palace and playing quiet music for us to go to sleep to. I can hear it, can you?" I wish I could have heard the music she heard.

That's the day. I am feeling a little low. I haven't felt like this in a long time. I am trying not to go down the chemo spiral and end up in bed. I could be nerves, I have a CT scan on the 28th and I feel sort of pooh about it. There is no way the results will get me off chemo, so what's the point? Oh, this is bad thinking, but it's how I feel. The goal of the scan is to find out whether the new drugs are as fabulous as they say. Let's all cross our fingers.

I need to go now. I am going to do what I need to do. It may be the dulce de leche ice cream in the freezer, it might be a couple of episodes of Top Chef, or maybe off to bed.

Am I Awake Yet?

Last night I fell asleep at 6pm. I didn't get up until about 8am, and went back to bed for a three hour nap while P&B went swimming. It's about 6:30 and I feel like going back to bed. I do feel better than I did this morning, so I know all the sleeping is helping.

And tomorrow is magical Saturday, when I feel like a human being again and that is really really good.

Which is a great switch from yesterday. I had a very hard day yesterday. I visited a friend in the hospital, which was totally the good and right thing to do and I am glad I did it. I felt like I was back in the hospital for a minute and it really put me in a funky place. Glad I saw my friend, glad we could connect about cancer and surgery (and compare incisions), because there aren't that many folks to do that with (thank God), but it still threw me into cancer-place. And I do not like cancer-place.

So while I was fighting to get back to the world, I had to get to my appointment to get my pump back. In the waiting room, I heard some beeping and a woman across from me and I both dove for our pumps. It was hers. She looked at me and laughed and asked what kind of cancer - colon, what stage - four, me too- I wish you said two or three, me too. Her entire abdomen and peritoneum is infested with cancer and there is nothing surgical they can do. Her mother was sitting beside her quietly crying. Her Dad, on her other side, looked pained. I got called in and wished her all the best and she to me. And I feel super duper crappy because I finally met someone who has worse cancer than I do.

I talked to my mother about it, and she reminded me how devastating that was for me to go to the support group, and to talk to the facilitator the other day. That I need to be very careful with my resources. She was also satisfyingly angry about the facilitator, encouraging me to lodge a formal complaint. I will think about it. I know I will take Jim's advice and ask her not to call again.

I am looking forward to tomorrow and feeling better, being another day away from my visit to cancer-place. I am going to work in the studio, I am going to love my family up so hard they won't even know what to do.

A Sight for Sore Eyes

So it's Wednesday. The day between the Tuesday I get most of the chemo and Thursday when I get to return a now empty pump and get my Neulasta shot. I feel pretty crappy. It's just to be expected. I went to acupuncture where I learned that my eyes are the outlet for my liver channel. My eyes hurt all of the time, they are nearly always irritated and when I get chemo they are really sore. I think it's fascinating that my eyes and my liver are connected and now I have an explanation for why they hurt - because my liver is being bombarded by tumor killing drugs. For that I will endure sore eyes.

I didn't really do much today. I took B to school, had an appointment with our lawyers, acupuncture, then a long afternoon knitting on the couch. I just needed to do something, but not move too much. I know I will be much better, and that is also to be expected. Tomorrow a new day. A drive to Worcester and freedom for a 12 days. The last 12 days went by so quickly. I didn't know that trying to savor each day would make them go by so quickly.

My niece Rachel and her beautiful son Eliott. Now that is a site for sore eyes.

You all have a good night. I am going to take my sore eyes and go to bed.

Broobies and Lo Mein

I just overheard B in the bath with her Broobies (barbies), she said, "I love you, but I don't like your hair." When I repeated this to Pat she missed the first part (about the barbies) and thought I was telling  her I didn't like her hair - a secret I may have kept for the past eight years. That taken care of, and all is well.

I had chemo today. I am like a agitated limp rag. Odd, really. I am in that state where my mind is racing and my body weighs about a thousand unmovable pounds. I do know that I am going to keep working on my sweater, make some grapefruit jam and support Pat while she finishes B's floor. Not all tomorrow, but this week. And I made a pledge to Pat that on Saturday morning I would go to my studio (instead of teaching). I need to clean a little first and sort my glass, but I have a nice 30x30" window I'd like to make first.

I craved shrimp lo mein for dinner, as expected, so we sent out. It was good. I wish I craved lentils with bean sprouts or some other very nutritious meal, but I just don't. Now I am craving a chocolate milkshake. Dr. B. says that in some patients, the drugs increase the appetite. I am only five pounds under where I was when we started in this whole thing at the beginning of August. I don't want to get higher than that, so I may have to forgo the milkshake. Not the first bummer of the day.

Tomorrow I have acupuncture's and not much else. Maybe the bank, maybe the jam. I made the most delicious raspberry and sour cherry jam the other day. I didn't have the heart to can it, so I froze two pints. You may have deduced, we are running out of the jams I made last summer. I have tons of ginger rhubarb (Yumo- Jammy), but no one seems to be that keen on it. Want some? It is really yum-o.

I am So Sick of Chemo

Yes, I am. Chemo does make me a little sick, but boy am I sick of it. I have been dreading it all day long. Tomorrow yet another round, which means that I will be feel yucky for three or four days. Nancy would say that I have no way of knowing that will be true, but it seems to be the pattern, so I am guessing I have some idea of what it will be like. Just like I know I will crave shrimp lo mein tomorrow night.

I just wish I was one of the those cancer people who got to have 6 months of chemo and their treatment was over. It seems that I am not one of those people. What a bummer. Again, the strangeness of being jealous of people who have "easier" cancer than I do. Cancer sucks worse than chemo. Ah, that is something I should really take to heart, so that going to chemo is easier.

I could rant all night about this, but I won't. Even though I was dreading chemo all day (it really was in the back of my mind, mulling and poking its way in every once and  awhile), B and I had a decent day. It rained all day, so it was dreary to begin with. I asked B what she wanted to do and she said she wanted to stay home all day. So we had a feast of movies and cuddle time and lazing around. When I say lazing around, I mean it. I didn't do anything beyond cleaning up the kitchen and making sure B was fed every few hours. It was kind of great. I finished the first sleeve of the complicated brown sweater - why, oh, why do my arms have to be SO long? I started the second sleeve, watched Nemo, Enchanted and Toy Story 3. All good movies. Bennett often wandered away from the movies and played with toys, I did not.

I need some morale boosting - anyone out there? Please send some encouragement, I truly need it.

Coming Along

That's what I am doing. Just coming along. Bennett's room is coming along a little at a time. My belly feels fine - that came along just nicely.

It's been a nice family day. Aunt Ruth came over to play. I made my sister's famous Banofee (banana toffee) pie and got to work on the trim in the bedroom. It's almost done and looks fun, even B likes it. Next goes in the floor. We are going to get the bulk of it done tomorrow.

All I can say is it is all good and I love life. I want as much of it as I can get.

Oh Crap

I had such a crappy day. I tried and tried not to, but really it didn't work. I got some things done - laundry, painting and such, but I also generally felt irritated.

I am worried about the pain in my belly and made a deal with Pat that if it's still there on Sunday, I will call the docs. I thought about calling Dr. B. today but I thought he would only say one of two things - it's nothing and I'll see you Tuesday or go to the hospital. I just did not want to give him the opportunity to tell me that. So I didn't call, and I worried all day. I should have given him the chance to tell me it was nothing and see you Tuesday. Argh. It's that fear again.

I also had a call from the woman who facilitates the terribly upsetting support group I went to once. You might remember how traumatized I felt afterward. So this woman calls and she says she so happy to hear my voice because last time she called she spoke to my sister and I was in the hospital and she had no way of knowing what happened. Okay, I don't know what you think she was saying, but to me she was saying, phew, I am so glad you are not dead otherwise this would such an awkward call. The next thing she says is something along the lines of "and you have such a huge diagnosis, I didn't know if the hospital was something planned or..." Double argh. This is the first time that I have felt like I was dying in a long time. It actually occurred to me during the conversation that I might not make it to my trip to England, never mind the Family Reunion in July. I think she might be the world's worst therapist. She left me devastated on the side of the road.

If I didn't know my mother was reading this I would call her a really bad name right now.

Since that call I have been trying to get myself righted. But it has been hard because I started out a little grumpy, then a little worried about my liver, and now super worried about my "huge diagnosis." Well, mostly I think of it as an on-going project, not anything else. And, as you know, there are days when I hardly think of it. I am too busy, really, to worry about God's business. I try to leave my future in his hands, that way I can have a really good now. Ah, there it is, I need to remind myself to mind my own bee's wax. I always feel better when I do.