Last night I fell asleep at 6pm. I didn't get up until about 8am, and went back to bed for a three hour nap while P&B went swimming. It's about 6:30 and I feel like going back to bed. I do feel better than I did this morning, so I know all the sleeping is helping.
And tomorrow is magical Saturday, when I feel like a human being again and that is really really good.
Which is a great switch from yesterday. I had a very hard day yesterday. I visited a friend in the hospital, which was totally the good and right thing to do and I am glad I did it. I felt like I was back in the hospital for a minute and it really put me in a funky place. Glad I saw my friend, glad we could connect about cancer and surgery (and compare incisions), because there aren't that many folks to do that with (thank God), but it still threw me into cancer-place. And I do not like cancer-place.
So while I was fighting to get back to the world, I had to get to my appointment to get my pump back. In the waiting room, I heard some beeping and a woman across from me and I both dove for our pumps. It was hers. She looked at me and laughed and asked what kind of cancer - colon, what stage - four, me too- I wish you said two or three, me too. Her entire abdomen and peritoneum is infested with cancer and there is nothing surgical they can do. Her mother was sitting beside her quietly crying. Her Dad, on her other side, looked pained. I got called in and wished her all the best and she to me. And I feel super duper crappy because I finally met someone who has worse cancer than I do.
I talked to my mother about it, and she reminded me how devastating that was for me to go to the support group, and to talk to the facilitator the other day. That I need to be very careful with my resources. She was also satisfyingly angry about the facilitator, encouraging me to lodge a formal complaint. I will think about it. I know I will take Jim's advice and ask her not to call again.
I am looking forward to tomorrow and feeling better, being another day away from my visit to cancer-place. I am going to work in the studio, I am going to love my family up so hard they won't even know what to do.
Ruth,
ReplyDeleteYour mom and Jim are giving you great advice about that group facilitator. I felt sick when I read your account of that conversation and I was also thinking that you should file a complaint. You are not the only cancer fighter who would be offended by her words and she really should be stopped. I hope I never say anything to you that makes you feel lousy like that and, if I already have, I truly apologize.
Your talk about cancer-place reminded of a quote I heard recently that made me think of all the cancer fighters out there:
Fear is the cheapest room in the house.
I would like to see you living
In better conditions.
--Hafiz
I hope you wake up in much better conditions tomorrow and enjoy it all!!
Peace,
Kathy
So sorry this has been a hard week, physically and emotionally, and that you landed back in cancer-place. I hope tomorrow brings a "get out free card" and that you have a better, brighter day. We missed you guys at the playground today. Looking forward to another day when we can enjoy some time in the sun.
ReplyDeleteSandy
What a beautiful spring day. I hope you can get out and enjoy the fresh air and sun and try to put this not-so-good week behind you.
ReplyDeleteI love Kathy's quote from Hafiz. Ruth, no matter where you're going in these posts, you always take me to a place of life...real as it may be...it's always a place of life.
ReplyDelete