So I just had a really good apple with cheese and sometimes when I do something really fun, or eat something really good, I just forget that I have cancer. Mostly on my off weeks I forget. By off week, I mean the week I don't have chemo. When I am down with chemo yuckies, I can't think of anything else.
On to other news, my eyebrows are coming back. And I can only assume my eyelashes too, but I haven't checked. That and my leg hair. TMI? I don't know. Just information.
I didn't post yesterday. There wasn't much to report. Just got some errands done and felt like a part of the world. What an excellent way to feel. BTW, I got both cars inspected and took B to school. And other things. You know, it was two days ago and I only remember that much.
I had as good a day today I've had in a long time. I took B to school, I sat at the bagel place and read the paper while eating a sesame bagel, went to acupuncture, had a superb nap, and was late to pick B up from school. It doesn't really matter because all she wants to do is hang out at school. She told me she wants to live at school forever. She also told me that she wants to snuggle with me in the big bed forever. She can't really do both, but we can do a little of each.
Pat and Bennett are out buying tickets for the ballet. Aunts Ruth and Theo will be taking her next Sunday to see the Nutcracker. She's going to love it. Knock on wood that I didn't just jinx it...
So, for today, all is well. I might get up and make some banana bread, but maybe I will make it tomorrow. I have an idea to get into the studio tomorrow. I want to make a window. I need to start making things again and Pat made me a really nice place to work. I just need to clean it up and take advantage. It's now or never people, don't any of you forget.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Monday, November 28, 2011
Posting with Popcorn
Just a quickie to let everyone know that all is well. I am hanging out with a nice big bag of cheesy popcorn. B is asleep and P is working. And I am going to bed soon. I didn't schedule my day as well as I could have and now I am pooped. I should have taken a nap, but didn't. But I was out and about in the world and it felt good. I got the oil changed, got my poor abuse glasses adjusted. The one big thing I realized today is that my eyes always hurt and my glasses are out of date. I need to call the eye doc. I am sure it will help to get some new lenses.
Not much else to report. B is lovely and amazing. She is learning so much and will be in kindergarten next year. Can you believe it? Pat is my rock and I am the luckiest person in the world to have her. I am grateful for my life.
Not much else to report. B is lovely and amazing. She is learning so much and will be in kindergarten next year. Can you believe it? Pat is my rock and I am the luckiest person in the world to have her. I am grateful for my life.
Sunday, November 27, 2011
A Day of Days
A good one at that. Woke up early with B and the first thing we did was make spiced brown sugar carrot bread. She is an excellent sous chef - peeling the carrots, stirring, breaking eggs. It was really fun. And then it was 10:30 and I realized we hadn't eaten any breakfast. We got up at 7:30. So I had too many slices of carrot bread and B had cream of wheat. Then I had a short nap.
The plan was that we were all going to get dressed and head out to Snow Farm for the last day of the Artist's Sale and then drop B off at Aunt Liz and Julie's. Bennett was not having it. She told me she did not want to leave the house. And all this after I actually put on pants. So Aunties came here and took B to the park (so much for not leaving the house) and it was great to talk to them. It had been way too long.
After Aunties L&J left, I asked B if she wanted to make a delivery to Aunt Ruth's house. We brought her a loaf of carrot bread. It was fun to just drop by and hang out even for just a little while. And B got some good Aunt Ruth time. This morning one of the first things she asked me was what time she was seeing Aunt Ruth today. They have an amazingly special relationship. We should all be so lucky to have so many great aunties close by. Not to mention the fabulous aunts who are far away. B is awash with loving relatives.
So the last thing I will tell you - I was reading B a pop up book and I told her not to yank on the train too hard. She told me not to yell at her. And I said I wasn't yelling, and did she remember what yelling sounds like. She said no, so I demonstrated. Then she said to me "I always want you to speak to me beautiful."
That's my girl. And she deserves to be spoken to beautiful.
The plan was that we were all going to get dressed and head out to Snow Farm for the last day of the Artist's Sale and then drop B off at Aunt Liz and Julie's. Bennett was not having it. She told me she did not want to leave the house. And all this after I actually put on pants. So Aunties came here and took B to the park (so much for not leaving the house) and it was great to talk to them. It had been way too long.
After Aunties L&J left, I asked B if she wanted to make a delivery to Aunt Ruth's house. We brought her a loaf of carrot bread. It was fun to just drop by and hang out even for just a little while. And B got some good Aunt Ruth time. This morning one of the first things she asked me was what time she was seeing Aunt Ruth today. They have an amazingly special relationship. We should all be so lucky to have so many great aunties close by. Not to mention the fabulous aunts who are far away. B is awash with loving relatives.
So the last thing I will tell you - I was reading B a pop up book and I told her not to yank on the train too hard. She told me not to yell at her. And I said I wasn't yelling, and did she remember what yelling sounds like. She said no, so I demonstrated. Then she said to me "I always want you to speak to me beautiful."
That's my girl. And she deserves to be spoken to beautiful.
Saturday, November 26, 2011
Thanksgiving Saturday
Well, I have to say it's been a mixed day. I had a good morning hanging with the family. Bennett spent most of the morning playing with her stuff by herself. A real sign that she needs more time at home. She is a real go go girl. Not a go-go girl, but a girl who likes to be doing a lot of things.
Today Aunt Ruth took her to the toy store and ice cream. Two Aunt Ruth days in a row. How lucky can a girl get? She also hooked up with BFF Avy and Sandy. Judging by the size of the tantrum she is having now, I think she had a very good time. I. of course, had a three hour nap. And it was a very deep nap and I was super grumpy when I woke up. I think there was part of me that just didn't want to wake up for a very long time. But I did, and I am glad I did. Pat made a super dinner and Ruth stayed which was nice.
Now it's just wind down time. I am not sure what I am winding down from, but winding down none-the-less. tomorrow i hope to be more active. Maybe even leave the house. I know I am going to make carrot bread as we have an astonishing number of carrots from the farm. That's about it. I have to check on Bennett and make sure she is okay. And maybe say sorry for not being that nice to her while she was having a tantrum. Oy, the parental guilt. Does it ever get easier?
Today Aunt Ruth took her to the toy store and ice cream. Two Aunt Ruth days in a row. How lucky can a girl get? She also hooked up with BFF Avy and Sandy. Judging by the size of the tantrum she is having now, I think she had a very good time. I. of course, had a three hour nap. And it was a very deep nap and I was super grumpy when I woke up. I think there was part of me that just didn't want to wake up for a very long time. But I did, and I am glad I did. Pat made a super dinner and Ruth stayed which was nice.
Now it's just wind down time. I am not sure what I am winding down from, but winding down none-the-less. tomorrow i hope to be more active. Maybe even leave the house. I know I am going to make carrot bread as we have an astonishing number of carrots from the farm. That's about it. I have to check on Bennett and make sure she is okay. And maybe say sorry for not being that nice to her while she was having a tantrum. Oy, the parental guilt. Does it ever get easier?
Friday, November 25, 2011
There Will Always Be a Better Day
That is what my friend TC says. She's right, and I love her for it. I have known TC since we were babies, and now we are old farts. Maybe I should only speak for myself. Plus we are not nearly as old and farty as we could be.
Today was better. I am still tired and have the headache that hangs around for a week or so. But I spent quite a bit of time out of bed, and even made pumpkin custard with B tonight. I took a shower and then took a two hour nap. It's never clear what's going to wipe me out.
B had a great day with wonderful Aunt Ruth. They went to a balloon parade, a puppet show, had lunch out and visited Santa and the Snow Queen. She came home crawled into my napping spot and fell asleep. She has been very attentive while I've been recovering. I think it's stressful for her, I hate that. This time she thought I was going to get more surgery. She was surprised when I came home. I try to be really clear and honest with her, but sometimes she just gets her own ideas. I wish I could just wipe it all from her mind. And while I am atnit, wipe it all from my mind and body.
Thanks for the emails and comments. They really help.
Today was better. I am still tired and have the headache that hangs around for a week or so. But I spent quite a bit of time out of bed, and even made pumpkin custard with B tonight. I took a shower and then took a two hour nap. It's never clear what's going to wipe me out.
B had a great day with wonderful Aunt Ruth. They went to a balloon parade, a puppet show, had lunch out and visited Santa and the Snow Queen. She came home crawled into my napping spot and fell asleep. She has been very attentive while I've been recovering. I think it's stressful for her, I hate that. This time she thought I was going to get more surgery. She was surprised when I came home. I try to be really clear and honest with her, but sometimes she just gets her own ideas. I wish I could just wipe it all from her mind. And while I am atnit, wipe it all from my mind and body.
Thanks for the emails and comments. They really help.
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Baseball Bats and Eye Fatigue
I started out the morning feeling horrible. All I can say is it felt like someone had hit me in the upper back with a baseball bat and that I couldn't get my heart to stop racing. That on top of the super sore eyes, really made today a hard one. At one point I started crying and it hurt my eyes too much so I had to stop. It's really not fair to feel so terrible and not be able to cry.
So, I missed Thanksgiving. Well, I was here, and I've had some pie, but Pat and B went to Ruth and Theo's for a quiet celebration. I was supposed to go, but I could not. As a matter of fact, I just got out of bed for the first time today and it's 6:30pm. i thought I would have some granola, but I had pie instead. I am not as nauseous as I was, which is lucky. I am determined that I will feel better tomorrow.
I think this was a double whammy - the CT scan drugs on top of the chemo drugs. It certainly has not helped my intestines in any way. Really yick, super yick.
So that's my day. Nancy said that I had no way of knowing whether this day was going to be my worst, but working with the history of what is usually my worst day - it is the day after I return the pump. And that is today.Or should I say, that was today. Tomorrow here I come.
So, I missed Thanksgiving. Well, I was here, and I've had some pie, but Pat and B went to Ruth and Theo's for a quiet celebration. I was supposed to go, but I could not. As a matter of fact, I just got out of bed for the first time today and it's 6:30pm. i thought I would have some granola, but I had pie instead. I am not as nauseous as I was, which is lucky. I am determined that I will feel better tomorrow.
I think this was a double whammy - the CT scan drugs on top of the chemo drugs. It certainly has not helped my intestines in any way. Really yick, super yick.
So that's my day. Nancy said that I had no way of knowing whether this day was going to be my worst, but working with the history of what is usually my worst day - it is the day after I return the pump. And that is today.Or should I say, that was today. Tomorrow here I come.
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Chemo, Second Day, Not as Sucky
I am trying something new, every time I think I feel yucky, I ask myself if I really feel yucky or is it just habit. It's been pretty interesting to discover that I often answer that I am not feeling as bad as I have in the past. That is not to say that I don't need naps and that the neuropathy hasn't moved to my lips, but at least I am not stuck in bed. And that is something to be thankful for.
I did my job today and when shopping for shiny clothes for B. I specifically went to get these glitter corduroys and pink satin jeans. Well, of course everything at the Gap was 60% off, so there was plenty of glittery things to get. She liked everything BUT the glittery cords and the satin jeans. She said they are for boys. I think she's been hanging out a gay bar.
Then I went off the get gas, the bank and acupuncture. Acupuncture was awesome is always. Then home for doing the bills and a nap. Why are naps so delicious and hard to wake up from?
That's about it. Tomorrow is my scan and I have to return the pump. I am pretty sure I am going to need a nap after that. I will have to drink the drink and have the drug that makes me have to pee, but at least I know what to expect. Then I will have my freedom back - from the handbag that I cannot put down, my pump.
I did my job today and when shopping for shiny clothes for B. I specifically went to get these glitter corduroys and pink satin jeans. Well, of course everything at the Gap was 60% off, so there was plenty of glittery things to get. She liked everything BUT the glittery cords and the satin jeans. She said they are for boys. I think she's been hanging out a gay bar.
Then I went off the get gas, the bank and acupuncture. Acupuncture was awesome is always. Then home for doing the bills and a nap. Why are naps so delicious and hard to wake up from?
That's about it. Tomorrow is my scan and I have to return the pump. I am pretty sure I am going to need a nap after that. I will have to drink the drink and have the drug that makes me have to pee, but at least I know what to expect. Then I will have my freedom back - from the handbag that I cannot put down, my pump.
Monday, November 21, 2011
Like I Said, Chemo Sucks
So does posting on the iPad. So this will be short. I feel like crap rolled in crap. Ruth is here bathing Bennett because Pat is working. The good news is I have an assignment to get B some pants she will wear tomorrow. She has rejected jeans and all manner of pants, so I will be on the look out for shiny and sparkling. I'll keep you posted.
I hope you are all well and content in this crazy world. That's all we can ask for.
I hope you are all well and content in this crazy world. That's all we can ask for.
Sunday, November 20, 2011
See You Soon, Mary
Yep, Mary is gone. She had to go back to her own family. Dang it all. It was a great visit and I did more in that week than I have in a long time. It was good to see that I won't fall to pieces if I go for a day trip somewhere.
Yesterday we all went to Wellesley to visit Libby before dropping M at Logan. Wellesley is the most gorgeous campus I have ever seen. Even her dorm building is something out of a fairy tale. When Bennett saw it she said "oh my moses!" There are plenty of towers to imagine Rapunzel in and, of course, we have always known that Libby is a princess. So happy she is there and having access to so many resources. Totally awesome.
It was really hard to drop M at the airport. I blubbered a lot on the way home. We are all going to St Lucia in February, so we have the next time we are seeing each other all set. And my sister Joanne with be there too. Bennett is already excited. She seems more excited about going to the beach than Christmas.
I have a scan on Wednesday and Ruth is coming with me. She will not break the streak of going to all of the scans I've had. She is a good great friend and I am so happy she will be with me. I am not nervous about the actual scan, since I know how it goes. I am not even worried about the results since the tumor in my belly has shrunk so much. So now I am just curious about what is happening.
I have chemo tomorrow. Blah and double-blah. What else can I say? I think I have said it all. It sucks. I hate it. It's saving my life. I am grateful. It's a panoply of emotions. I will really do anything to have another day with Pat and Bennett.
Yesterday we all went to Wellesley to visit Libby before dropping M at Logan. Wellesley is the most gorgeous campus I have ever seen. Even her dorm building is something out of a fairy tale. When Bennett saw it she said "oh my moses!" There are plenty of towers to imagine Rapunzel in and, of course, we have always known that Libby is a princess. So happy she is there and having access to so many resources. Totally awesome.
It was really hard to drop M at the airport. I blubbered a lot on the way home. We are all going to St Lucia in February, so we have the next time we are seeing each other all set. And my sister Joanne with be there too. Bennett is already excited. She seems more excited about going to the beach than Christmas.
I have a scan on Wednesday and Ruth is coming with me. She will not break the streak of going to all of the scans I've had. She is a good great friend and I am so happy she will be with me. I am not nervous about the actual scan, since I know how it goes. I am not even worried about the results since the tumor in my belly has shrunk so much. So now I am just curious about what is happening.
I have chemo tomorrow. Blah and double-blah. What else can I say? I think I have said it all. It sucks. I hate it. It's saving my life. I am grateful. It's a panoply of emotions. I will really do anything to have another day with Pat and Bennett.
Friday, November 18, 2011
Great Barrington and Beyond
So I haven't really been posting at all. Mary has been hear all week and I feel good. Today Mary and I took a road trip to Great Barrington to see what was there. We visited a couple of antique shops and had lunch. One of the shops was full of Asian antiques that were fascinating. It was like going to a museum, without the mean guards. I really wanted the 8 foot tall head of Buddah.
We have been eating very well. Pat and Mary arranged it this week so I could sleep in a lot. It was very luxurious. We Skyped my mom and that was fun. Bennett thought it was a blast to see Maily Gramma and took over the conversation. What else did we do this week? This and that and it was good.
BFF Avy spent the day at Bennett's school today. I know Bennett had fun because I took her home in tears, crying for Avy (who had to stay a little later). I wish they could always go to school together.
I got to talk to Jessica for a long time about her good little babes, Stella and Mathilda. We are hooping Mathilda will be coming home from the hospital soon. Saying some fierce prayers for that.
I have chemo on Monday this week. Which means I have to return my pump on Wednesday. Which means my worst feeling day will be Thanksgiving. So much for feasting. I have to make sure this doesn't happen on Christmas week. Don't mess with my Christmas. Oh, and I have a scan on Wednesday morning. I am so curious about what is going on- how well the drugs are working and what is happening overall. Please say a little prayer for me, or send good thoughts, whatever you can spare during this season of thanks.
We have been eating very well. Pat and Mary arranged it this week so I could sleep in a lot. It was very luxurious. We Skyped my mom and that was fun. Bennett thought it was a blast to see Maily Gramma and took over the conversation. What else did we do this week? This and that and it was good.
BFF Avy spent the day at Bennett's school today. I know Bennett had fun because I took her home in tears, crying for Avy (who had to stay a little later). I wish they could always go to school together.
I got to talk to Jessica for a long time about her good little babes, Stella and Mathilda. We are hooping Mathilda will be coming home from the hospital soon. Saying some fierce prayers for that.
I have chemo on Monday this week. Which means I have to return my pump on Wednesday. Which means my worst feeling day will be Thanksgiving. So much for feasting. I have to make sure this doesn't happen on Christmas week. Don't mess with my Christmas. Oh, and I have a scan on Wednesday morning. I am so curious about what is going on- how well the drugs are working and what is happening overall. Please say a little prayer for me, or send good thoughts, whatever you can spare during this season of thanks.
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Last Night
A pictorial essay on last night's Auntie dinner. It was total blast:
Aunt Ruth and Me
Aunt Theo, Aunt Ruth and Bennett
Aunt Ruth and Bennett
Aunt Theo. Aunt Ruth, Aunt Mary, and Bennett in Auntie heaven
Bennett upside down
Spooky Bennett
Aunties Julie and Liz
Monday, November 14, 2011
Chocolate Monday
A short post - a good day.
We did a lot of things. I overdid it a little bit and am now pooped. We all stayed up until 10:30 last night watching the Hangover. I can't remember the last time I laughed so hard. But that really did me in, as I was up at 7:30 to get B to school.
Mary and I had a good day, Pat had most of the day to herself. We went to Costco and bought too many things, and then I had to rest. Then we went to get Bennett. took her to B&N and I overdid it again and had a hugely uncomfortable hot flash. Time to go home. Mary cooked another amazing meal and now I am going to bed. I feel good. Happy that the drugs are working. Feeling like I got a second chance. And am so grateful.
BTW, the chocolate was on the ice cream and it was good.
We did a lot of things. I overdid it a little bit and am now pooped. We all stayed up until 10:30 last night watching the Hangover. I can't remember the last time I laughed so hard. But that really did me in, as I was up at 7:30 to get B to school.
Mary and I had a good day, Pat had most of the day to herself. We went to Costco and bought too many things, and then I had to rest. Then we went to get Bennett. took her to B&N and I overdid it again and had a hugely uncomfortable hot flash. Time to go home. Mary cooked another amazing meal and now I am going to bed. I feel good. Happy that the drugs are working. Feeling like I got a second chance. And am so grateful.
BTW, the chocolate was on the ice cream and it was good.
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Post 390
Can you believe it? 390 posts, that is crazy. And you all know I don't post every day, so it's been, well I know how long it's been - 16 months. Well, here's to another 160 months, at least. Right?
A good day today. Hung out in the morning with Aunt Ruth, Libby and Mary and Pat and Bennett, then P took B to swim. Mary and I took L to the lunch at Vihn Chau, our favorite Vietnamese hole-in-the-wall. It was delicious. I was so full, I couldn't really eat dinner. And that is saying something. Then, sadly, we had to take Libby to the bus so she could get back to her studious life. It was wonderful to have her and I am very sorry that we forgot to take a picture so I could post it. Dang. But here is one of me and Mary.
After that Mary and I came home and realized I was bored being in the house. So we went shopping at the mall. It was pretty exhausting - all that noise and stimulus. My goal was to get B a good night gown. It took some doing, but I was able to find a super cute fleece nightie at the Gap. I also found out how rare a good kid's nightie is. And of course I had to get the shoes that have kitty faces on the them. Bennett named them silver and pinkie. They are a little too big, but they will fit soon.
Dinner then bed. That's about it. I am looking forward to a good week ahead, with lots of energy and interesting things to report.
A good day today. Hung out in the morning with Aunt Ruth, Libby and Mary and Pat and Bennett, then P took B to swim. Mary and I took L to the lunch at Vihn Chau, our favorite Vietnamese hole-in-the-wall. It was delicious. I was so full, I couldn't really eat dinner. And that is saying something. Then, sadly, we had to take Libby to the bus so she could get back to her studious life. It was wonderful to have her and I am very sorry that we forgot to take a picture so I could post it. Dang. But here is one of me and Mary.
After that Mary and I came home and realized I was bored being in the house. So we went shopping at the mall. It was pretty exhausting - all that noise and stimulus. My goal was to get B a good night gown. It took some doing, but I was able to find a super cute fleece nightie at the Gap. I also found out how rare a good kid's nightie is. And of course I had to get the shoes that have kitty faces on the them. Bennett named them silver and pinkie. They are a little too big, but they will fit soon.
Dinner then bed. That's about it. I am looking forward to a good week ahead, with lots of energy and interesting things to report.
Saturday, November 12, 2011
Saturday Night
It's been a lovely day. I still feel like crap, but with all the hoopla of Mary and Libby being here, it's been fun. Pat worked most of the day, I slept, Mary and Libby and Bennett cooked and went to the park. Bennett is definitely in love. I am not sure what it will be like tomorrow when Libby leaves. At least Mary will be here to comfort her.
I didn't do much. My heart has been beating really fast every time I try to do something other than lie down or sit on my butt. I am hoping it will go away tomorrow so I can do something - I am getting a smidge bored of being in the house.
That's about it. I am feel pretty fine emotionally, so no need to rant. Mary and I will continue to work on crossword puzzles and I bet we will continue to eat delicious things. Dinner tonight was a marvel - pork stew, roasted cauliflower and parsnip and fresh mashed potatoes. Yum. Even Bennett dug in.
Tomorrow will be what it is. That's all it can be.
I didn't do much. My heart has been beating really fast every time I try to do something other than lie down or sit on my butt. I am hoping it will go away tomorrow so I can do something - I am getting a smidge bored of being in the house.
That's about it. I am feel pretty fine emotionally, so no need to rant. Mary and I will continue to work on crossword puzzles and I bet we will continue to eat delicious things. Dinner tonight was a marvel - pork stew, roasted cauliflower and parsnip and fresh mashed potatoes. Yum. Even Bennett dug in.
Tomorrow will be what it is. That's all it can be.
Friday, November 11, 2011
Spare Me
Really what I thought I was doing was sparing you all. I've been in the usual chemo funk. Sleeping, moaning, groaning. Generally being out of it. I am getting better. I am out of bed. I showered, I changed the sheets. These are all things that let me know that I am getting out of the funk.
Jessica had the little Ruthies two days ago. They are no longer the the little Ruthies, but Mathilda and Stella. They are gorgeous, I have seen pictures. I can't wait to meet them in person.
And while we are on the good news part of the post, the once big tumor in my abdomen was described as "tiny" on Tuesday. If the big tumor is now tiny, what has happened to the tiny tumors? Could they be gone? We will find out on the next scan. I'll keep you posted.
Not much else to report - Mary and Libby are on there way. Pat and Bennett are picking them up at the airport and Wellesley. I can't wait to see them.
Jessica had the little Ruthies two days ago. They are no longer the the little Ruthies, but Mathilda and Stella. They are gorgeous, I have seen pictures. I can't wait to meet them in person.
And while we are on the good news part of the post, the once big tumor in my abdomen was described as "tiny" on Tuesday. If the big tumor is now tiny, what has happened to the tiny tumors? Could they be gone? We will find out on the next scan. I'll keep you posted.
Not much else to report - Mary and Libby are on there way. Pat and Bennett are picking them up at the airport and Wellesley. I can't wait to see them.
Monday, November 7, 2011
Chemo Tomorrow, Again
Yep, it's that time again. Chemo tomorrow. And I feel like having a tantrum because I just do not want to go. I know it's saving my life, and I should be grateful and blah blah blah, but I can't stand that just as I am starting feel human again, I have to go to chemo. And then I will feel like shit again and sometimes I just feel like how long can I do this? Every two weeks for the rest of my life, is how long. Ahhhhhh. It just seems so unfair sometimes. Really most of the time.
That's my rant. I had a pretty nice and full day. We dropped B off to school and went to Home Depot to get a new toilet. Very low-flow and nice. I am sure it will save us a small fortune in water bills. Then P and I came home and cleaned up for the cleaning lady. Pat worked on the bathroom and it's really coming along. I know getting the tub refinished and getting the new toilet is going to make me want to get a new sink. But we really can't go there now.
I cleaned, did the mending, bills, and all the other things I like to get done before chemo. Jessica reminded me today that when we were expecting Bennett, I gathered things like crazy. Supplies to cover us for months. I made sure we had haircuts and tons of dog food and when B finally came, we were pretty set for a long time. That's sort of what I do for chemo. That way I don't have to worry about anything, and Pat doesn't have to worry either. She can just take care of me and B.
So we also checked out and applied for the Holyoke Charter School. It's a pretty nice place with a warm feeling to it. They gave us a tour and answered all of our questions and I think it would be fine for B. A little more structured than she is used to, but I think that would be good for her at this point. I might be saying that because she is the queen of dawdling these days. It drives me crazy.
I am going to watch the Office and then head to bed. I want to be well rested for my day of torture tomorrow. Wow, I really need to work on my attitude...
That's my rant. I had a pretty nice and full day. We dropped B off to school and went to Home Depot to get a new toilet. Very low-flow and nice. I am sure it will save us a small fortune in water bills. Then P and I came home and cleaned up for the cleaning lady. Pat worked on the bathroom and it's really coming along. I know getting the tub refinished and getting the new toilet is going to make me want to get a new sink. But we really can't go there now.
I cleaned, did the mending, bills, and all the other things I like to get done before chemo. Jessica reminded me today that when we were expecting Bennett, I gathered things like crazy. Supplies to cover us for months. I made sure we had haircuts and tons of dog food and when B finally came, we were pretty set for a long time. That's sort of what I do for chemo. That way I don't have to worry about anything, and Pat doesn't have to worry either. She can just take care of me and B.
So we also checked out and applied for the Holyoke Charter School. It's a pretty nice place with a warm feeling to it. They gave us a tour and answered all of our questions and I think it would be fine for B. A little more structured than she is used to, but I think that would be good for her at this point. I might be saying that because she is the queen of dawdling these days. It drives me crazy.
I am going to watch the Office and then head to bed. I want to be well rested for my day of torture tomorrow. Wow, I really need to work on my attitude...
Sunday, November 6, 2011
Pooped
I know, I know, I swore I wouldn't lead with how tired I am, but I can't stop myself. I am so pooped out. I can't really believe. I am not really even sure what happened. I spent the morning cooking with Bennett. We made pumpkin custard and sour cherry crumble (with the sour cherry that thawed out in the freezer during the storm). It was super fun to cook with B, she likes to stir and pour and break eggs. And of course as soon as the pumpkin custard came out of the over she wanted to have some. It was 9:30am, but she had some anyway.
I might be pooped because of the time change. I haven't slept well the past two nights. I did four loads of laundry in the past two days and I also made a big pot of stew. But then again, I took a nap this afternoon. Pat took B swimming for an hour and half, then to the part. Needless to say, B was starving and tired when she got home. She fell asleep in about 10 seconds.
I have been having some anxiety about this week's chemo appt. I have to see Dr. B's assistant who is very nice. What I am worried about is we are going to schedule a scan. I know we have to have one to prove that this drug is working, but I have high high anxiety that it might not be. I never really worried this hard with the old drugs, because I thought Dr. B had a bunch of other options for me. But now that I know that this is the last one, I am totally freaked out. If I stay in the moment, I am okay, but if I move out to the big picture, it's not pretty. I am just going to have to believe Dr B when he told me that he believed that the drug was working and that he has seen it work for people for a year or more. Please God give me that year.
I am going to go now. I need to delve into the alternate reality of my book. It's safer there then in my own head tonight.
I might be pooped because of the time change. I haven't slept well the past two nights. I did four loads of laundry in the past two days and I also made a big pot of stew. But then again, I took a nap this afternoon. Pat took B swimming for an hour and half, then to the part. Needless to say, B was starving and tired when she got home. She fell asleep in about 10 seconds.
I have been having some anxiety about this week's chemo appt. I have to see Dr. B's assistant who is very nice. What I am worried about is we are going to schedule a scan. I know we have to have one to prove that this drug is working, but I have high high anxiety that it might not be. I never really worried this hard with the old drugs, because I thought Dr. B had a bunch of other options for me. But now that I know that this is the last one, I am totally freaked out. If I stay in the moment, I am okay, but if I move out to the big picture, it's not pretty. I am just going to have to believe Dr B when he told me that he believed that the drug was working and that he has seen it work for people for a year or more. Please God give me that year.
I am going to go now. I need to delve into the alternate reality of my book. It's safer there then in my own head tonight.
Saturday, November 5, 2011
Saturday Night
So it's Saturday night and I am fighting the urge for sugary things - cupcakes, ice cream especially. I miss ice cream so much, I nearly plotzed when I saw they had pumpkin ice cream at Trader Joe's the other day. None for me. Even holding bottled water today hurt my thumb.
There's not much new. That's not entirely true. I finished Bennett's sweater, and it is too small. It's a good thing she always calls it Avy's sweater because that is who will be wearing it - if she likes it, of course. I am just about to start on Mary's sleeping hat. I hope it works, because it is mighty cold in our house at night. Mary is coming this Friday. It's a like a bright light in the fog of chemo week coming up. My fab niece Libby is coming for the weekend too. Another bright light.
The three of us went to check out the Pioneer Valley Chinese Language Immersion School. Though the presentation was mind numbingly boring, and the anxiety from the other parents a little off-putting, we all thought it was a really cool place. B kept asking who would be her teacher and if this was her new school. We put in an application and we have less than a 50% chance of getting B in there. Pat and I believe that B will end up where she is supposed to. We have chosen three options, the PVCIS, the Holyoke Charter School and the local elementary. Even though so many people are afraid of the Holyoke public schools, I think it would be a fine choice. Like I said she will end up where she is supposed to be and we will support her no matter what.
We went out to lunch and after that we were all totally wiped out. B fell asleep in the car and I got a little grumpy. I just wanted to get home and put on my cozy clothes and not think about anything. Not schools, not cancer, not whether I will be here to see B go to Kindergarten. It's just too much to deal with - so I knitted. That helped a little.
Pat is doing a great job on the old bathroom and we are both looking at the house and finding things that are just too dirty for words. It's like we haven't looked around for awhile - a year maybe. It's always nice to have people come to visit, because the house gets clean - well, as clean as we are willing to get it.
There's not much new. That's not entirely true. I finished Bennett's sweater, and it is too small. It's a good thing she always calls it Avy's sweater because that is who will be wearing it - if she likes it, of course. I am just about to start on Mary's sleeping hat. I hope it works, because it is mighty cold in our house at night. Mary is coming this Friday. It's a like a bright light in the fog of chemo week coming up. My fab niece Libby is coming for the weekend too. Another bright light.
The three of us went to check out the Pioneer Valley Chinese Language Immersion School. Though the presentation was mind numbingly boring, and the anxiety from the other parents a little off-putting, we all thought it was a really cool place. B kept asking who would be her teacher and if this was her new school. We put in an application and we have less than a 50% chance of getting B in there. Pat and I believe that B will end up where she is supposed to. We have chosen three options, the PVCIS, the Holyoke Charter School and the local elementary. Even though so many people are afraid of the Holyoke public schools, I think it would be a fine choice. Like I said she will end up where she is supposed to be and we will support her no matter what.
We went out to lunch and after that we were all totally wiped out. B fell asleep in the car and I got a little grumpy. I just wanted to get home and put on my cozy clothes and not think about anything. Not schools, not cancer, not whether I will be here to see B go to Kindergarten. It's just too much to deal with - so I knitted. That helped a little.
Pat is doing a great job on the old bathroom and we are both looking at the house and finding things that are just too dirty for words. It's like we haven't looked around for awhile - a year maybe. It's always nice to have people come to visit, because the house gets clean - well, as clean as we are willing to get it.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Life in the Slow Lane
It's amazing how quick we forgot about not having power. This morning after I dropped B off at school, I dropped a few hundred dollars at Trader Joe's to refill the freezer. There were two others in line doing the same thing. B also had the idea to bring these little ice cream cones from TJ's for her whole class, so we had to get some of those. So now the freezer is refilled, we are stocked with fresh food and heat and lights. It's all good.
Today I also got four out of five doors fixed. They are all wonky in their own way, but hey they close and open freely now. I picked up B from school and carried her all the way from her classroom to the car. It was what I used to do all the time, but haven't had the energy or maybe nerve to do it for awhile. So I did it and it was fine. While B and P went to swim, I made banana bread and a hug batch of jam with the berries that defrosted in the freezer. I just put the jam in quart jars, with the faith that B and I would eat it fast enough.
Then I just sort of hung out with B and P, and now I am here in the living room thinking that I am living a good life. It's been a very hard month or so, but it's now in the past. And I have a good future. Ah, what a concept.
Tomorrow I will fix door number 5, and do some knitting. Who knows what else. I won't know until tomorrow. By the way, the banana bread is luscious.
Today I also got four out of five doors fixed. They are all wonky in their own way, but hey they close and open freely now. I picked up B from school and carried her all the way from her classroom to the car. It was what I used to do all the time, but haven't had the energy or maybe nerve to do it for awhile. So I did it and it was fine. While B and P went to swim, I made banana bread and a hug batch of jam with the berries that defrosted in the freezer. I just put the jam in quart jars, with the faith that B and I would eat it fast enough.
Then I just sort of hung out with B and P, and now I am here in the living room thinking that I am living a good life. It's been a very hard month or so, but it's now in the past. And I have a good future. Ah, what a concept.
Tomorrow I will fix door number 5, and do some knitting. Who knows what else. I won't know until tomorrow. By the way, the banana bread is luscious.
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Posting with Power
Yep, the lights are back on, the heat is up, the dishwasher is running and the freezer is empty. We had to throw out 90% of the contents of the freezer. Luckily I called our insurance agent before we cleaned it out and we are able to claim up to $500 in losses. That should just about cover it - we lost lots from the fridge too.
We are all relieved. Bennett is, right now, having a huge tantrum about wanting something. I can't even remember what, but I believe she is really getting all the stress out from the last four nights. It was weird for all of us to be in the dark, constantly cold and not really knowing what to do. Pat did a heck of a job getting us as warm as possible, she made us good food from the fridge so we didn't lose as much as we could have, she heated water on the camp stove to keep the kitchen clean. Amazing really.
Thank God that adventure is over. I tried to be a good sport, but I felt like what else could possibly befall me? I suppose I should be grateful that it wasn't a chemo week and that we got power back. There are still 1000s without it. When I called our power company to find out when we might expect the power back on, they said people on oxygen and babies with feeding tubes were the priority. That put me pretty much back in my place and thanking God I didn't have either.
So today was a good day. We got power back, I got acupuncture and Nancy helped me remember that I am living and that my being as tired as I am, is exactly how tired I am supposed to be. I had been talking to myself that being tired all the time was the new sign of dying. She reminded me that I am often looking for signs of dying, but that until I draw my last breath I am living. And that is a very good thing. She also talked to me about the good in being tired, the pleasure of a good nap, the nature of a good slow conversation, that I can take the time to be truly intimate with people because I am not all pepped up and doing too many things is one day. What a miracle to have that reassurance.
I also got to have a nice long talk with Jessica, who is keeping those little Ruthies safe and sound. I heard from Ruth, who is always great to hear from and just generally had a nice day. Tomorrow my plan to tackle the five doors we have that do not close. Pat is going to be dealing with the guy who is refinishing out bathtub. Today she took down all the rotten tile and wood so she can put up new wall and a tub surround. We are also getting a new toilet. Yay. Our current one is huge and certainly nowhere near a low-flow. Again, it's all Pat.
It's nice to be back. I miss the candlelight a little bit. But I am so happy to be warm.
We are all relieved. Bennett is, right now, having a huge tantrum about wanting something. I can't even remember what, but I believe she is really getting all the stress out from the last four nights. It was weird for all of us to be in the dark, constantly cold and not really knowing what to do. Pat did a heck of a job getting us as warm as possible, she made us good food from the fridge so we didn't lose as much as we could have, she heated water on the camp stove to keep the kitchen clean. Amazing really.
Thank God that adventure is over. I tried to be a good sport, but I felt like what else could possibly befall me? I suppose I should be grateful that it wasn't a chemo week and that we got power back. There are still 1000s without it. When I called our power company to find out when we might expect the power back on, they said people on oxygen and babies with feeding tubes were the priority. That put me pretty much back in my place and thanking God I didn't have either.
So today was a good day. We got power back, I got acupuncture and Nancy helped me remember that I am living and that my being as tired as I am, is exactly how tired I am supposed to be. I had been talking to myself that being tired all the time was the new sign of dying. She reminded me that I am often looking for signs of dying, but that until I draw my last breath I am living. And that is a very good thing. She also talked to me about the good in being tired, the pleasure of a good nap, the nature of a good slow conversation, that I can take the time to be truly intimate with people because I am not all pepped up and doing too many things is one day. What a miracle to have that reassurance.
I also got to have a nice long talk with Jessica, who is keeping those little Ruthies safe and sound. I heard from Ruth, who is always great to hear from and just generally had a nice day. Tomorrow my plan to tackle the five doors we have that do not close. Pat is going to be dealing with the guy who is refinishing out bathtub. Today she took down all the rotten tile and wood so she can put up new wall and a tub surround. We are also getting a new toilet. Yay. Our current one is huge and certainly nowhere near a low-flow. Again, it's all Pat.
It's nice to be back. I miss the candlelight a little bit. But I am so happy to be warm.
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