No Power No Posts

We have no power, so I haven't been able to post. I am at Aunt Ruth and Theo's house to post. We are charging all of our stuff- phones, computer, iPad. Pat made it the last camp stove at Target yesterday. The entire mall was closed, Target was running on emergency power only and Pat said it was hard to read prices. She bought a ton of batteries, flashlights, and two lanterns. We were set for last night - all snugged up with plenty of light and hot soup. Pat also got the gas powered stove going about half power. She is going to try again this afternoon so that it can really heat things up.

It's a little weird not knowing what to do. There's been a run on gas and cash. So there is no place to refuel either way. There are a million trees down, literally at least one big limb for every tree. I called our power company this morning and they said there are 800 people in Holyoke without power and that the transformers are all okay. It's going to be a house by house fix. We might be out of power for a while. I asked them if they could do our house soon as I have a little kid and cancer. They said the people with oxygen and babies with feeding tubes come first. Stark reality that made me cry and feel grateful at the same time.

So if you don't hear from me for a couple of days, you know why.

Post 381

Fourth try. Still alive. Will post more later.

Getting Through the Super Ugh

I not much better, I have to say. I am working through it and that's all I can do. I had a list of chores to do, which I punctuated with a cheering call with Mary. I went to the yarn store to get some more yarn for the sweater I am making for Bennett - I was one ball short. Then I picked up a super soft, gorgeous yarn for a sleeping hat for Mary. I am hoping the neuropathy in my fingers settles down so I can knit comfortably. I went to the local Coop to get some whole wheat pastry flour for the homemade pancake mix I keep in the freezer- of course I ended up getting things like freeze dried cherries and garlic to plant. I don't make there very often, but they have great stuff.

My fingers were hurting so much I decided to go to the Mtn Goat (a clothing store for outdoors people) to get some gloves. My favorite gloves are fingerless and that will not do this year - so I got some very technical looking gloves that are very thin and warm. I also couldn't resist some cute socks for B. Then to a mind bending acupuncture session.

I am convinced the chemo makes me have feary thoughts. Last night I figured out that I needed to go shopping for black dresses for Bennett - and that I would have to get a series of sizes just in case I hold out longer than Dr. B. says I am going to. And I also need to get a black shirt for Pat. So they would be ready for my funeral. Hey, I don't even really believe in funerals, but that is were my mind took me. And it wasn't pretty. Nancy really helped me see that A. I was being controlling (me, controlling, huh?) and B. Pat and Bennett will be fine. That the sadness, anger and crying are out of love and that there is nothing that I can do about it. My spirit will be somewhere else. And maybe Bennett would like to wear a purple dress, and maybe Pat would not like to wear a black shirt. And it's none of my business. I felt better, then I cried through the amazing acupuncture session.

So right now I am very tired. I had a two hour nap this afternoon, it was heavenly. Pat made me a delicious and healthy dinner and I am luck that I had an appetite for it. I will put B to bed and try not fall asleep with her. Tomorrow to Worcester - hopefully before the snow comes.

Super Ugh

Right now I have a high ugh factor. I am queasy, I have a headache, the tumor in my abdomen is so tender that I can say that I am in pain, the neuropathy started in my right hand -so everything is tingly, and even room temperature water is too cold for my throat.

Hideous. Absolutely hideous.

Chemo Tomorrow

After all the colds and coughs and hardly feeling like a human being, I finally feel better. I had a great day. I hung out with Pat and Bennett, we went to do our last pick up at our farm. We have a winter share, but that's only once a month. Bennett and I spent most of the time throwing the ball to the farmers' dog, Zoe, while Pat picked the last of the raspberries. Bennett was in heaven and I felt guilty that Zeus doesn't know what the heck to with a ball. That maybe she would have more fun with Z if he did.

Z is at his summer house with Marsha. I think I posted this, but I will again. Our friend Marsha's dog died, so now we share Zeus with M and her family. They have a house on a lake in CT and a house on the beach on the Cape. He comes here to rest - we are his touch stones.

I am making sweet potato fries for dinner. Pat is gone teaching and had a quick bowl of the chicken leek soup we made yesterday. Bennett had pancakes and jello, I will have the fries and maybe some granola. I am not sure what's gotten into me, but I can't seem to get enough granola or oatmeal.  We are not the ideal family when it comes to sit down dinners with four squares and all. Oh well.

I really really really hate that I have to have chemo tomorrow, but as Julie says damn them for trying to save your life. Okay I get the picture. I sort of forgot that is what we are all doing. It just felt like they were torturing me for no reason. Not so. Gotta keep my eye on the prize. We just re upped for  a farm share for next summer. That seems hopeful to me. For awhile there I wasn't sure about anything. Not that I am now, but I feel more hopeful. That's good, right?

Almost Human

As it happens, it is the Sunday before chemo. That means I have tomorrow to enjoy my new found humanity. I am still tired and coughing, but I have more energy today than I have in weeks. I took a shower, I made some soup, made some pumpkin custard with B, it was mayhem. I am tired from the effort, but happy to have done it all.

And the stress level of the house is totally different. I forget that Pat and Bennett worry about me, and that when I am down they are a little down too. I haven't been out of my PJs since Wednesday, and on that day I wore sweats. This recovery has been long long long - too long. But I have turned a corner, I am alive, I will get over this cold and cough and I will have chemo. I will also get over that.

Bennett has been running around so much lately that she flatly refused to go to Aunties house today. She only wanted to be home (which, apparently include the YMCA, because she was willing to go swimming). So super flexible Aunt Julie came over to play for a while, then Aunt Ruth came over for soup and fixins'. She also brought Bennett a new book about how we sometimes have two feelings at once. She totally got it. She said to me "like when I was at the (Ashfield Fall) festival and I climbed up the ladder after Avy, I was brave and scared." That's my girl.

So tomorrow I will try to get my butt out of bed before 10, but I can't promise anything. I will have fun with Pat and Bennett and I hope to cough even less than I did today. God willing.

Mucus-ville

Bennett missed the paper - just a little.

That's where I live, in the land of mucus. Last night was misery, no one slept and it was my fault. Not even nyquil knocked me out. I am going to sleep in the back room tonight and I am hoping the new "supreme strength" medicine that Pat got will do the trick. I am so tired of being in the house. I want to be someone other than the one with the wicked cough. Pat said sadly, we didn't get our good week together. And that's a fact. And that means she didn't really get a break and has been doing the heavy lifting for weeks, and will have to next week too, after chemo. I got some good news, Dr. B. didn't think I needed to do anything but make sure I don't get a fever - so I am not allowed to take anything with tylenol in it. It would mask the fever. I working on day four or five of this stupid cold, so I think I am good.

Tanta Di called on Skype and we all got to have a little time with her. It was good to hear from her. I did some knitting while Pat took B to the farm. I heard they ran into Aunties there and dug a hole. Sounds good. Out dirty daughter is in the bath right now- she needed it too because she dropped a spoonful of chocolate mousse down her shirt. The mousse was good and made me less sad about not being able to have ice cream

The best news I got today was Mary is coming to visit the second-ish weekend on November. And on top of that Cousin Libby will be coming for the weekend. Lots of good to look forward to.

My goal for tomorrow is to get out of the house. I am not sure what that means, but by God I am going to do something that doesn't involve sitting on the couch and coughing my brains out. I reserve the right to bring tissue.

A Little of Everything

My first thought about the title for today was A Whole Lot of Nothing, but with some thought I decided that wasn't true. I am still sick, which is a big fat bummer. I decided that today I would stay in and get better. I stayed in, but I am not really better. My chest is very heavy and my cough is deep. I just want to get though this virus, so I can get through the next chemo so I can be done feeling crappy for awhile.

So, getting back to today. I did a little of a lot of things, I read, I tidied, I supported Pat while she replaced the broken garbage disposal and Sandy and Avy came of visit. It was great to talk to Sandy and of Bennett was is Avy heaven. It was, all in all, a good day.

That's about it. I am a little worried that is lung thing is going to land me the hospital. I have a goal of not going to the hospital for a least a year - and that started on Jan 3 (the date of my surgery). Of course I've been worried about pneumonia and all those other scary things. That is why I am staying close to home (hah! I haven't left in days) and trying to take it easy. Right now I am making chocolate mousse. I'll let you know how it is.

The Adventures of Fred and Vring

and me. We all had a pretty good day. I have been struck by a cold - on top of the cough, so I am a miserable coughing cuss. We had to cancel our trip to NYC to see Bob and Jim this weekend. That is a huge bummer and Bennett is the one who is the most disappointed.

I got to stay in bed reading until 10 this morning. It was a nice luxury. I had a shower and acupuncture, went grocery shopping and picked Bennett up from school. Bennett was sad that I showed up so we hung out and chatted with the teachers and worked on the growth chart they were making. We then went to the bookstore and I had to say no 1000 times. Why does the bookstore have expensive toys at kids eye level? Why does my daughter want dolly things that have a million little pieces? Luckily I steered to some paper dolls and then we left. Oh, we also had creme puffs for a snack. It was pretty deluxe.

Then home to watch Toy Story and soon I will put B to bed and read her some new books. I am such a sucker for book and all things printed. It's dangerous for me to go in the book store. I might have to join AA - Amazon anonymous.

Pat worked hard today. She took apart our broken stove and fixed it. She also found mouse nests - yuck. They're gone now and we lock the kitty in the kitchen overnight and tell her that we expect some mouse corpses in the morning.  I kicked five mice out in 2 days. It's the time of year. They are all coming in from the cemetery behind the house, looking for a warm place for the summer.

Tomorrow I will rest rest rest. I have to kick this crud no matter what before chemo next week. I just can't do these new drugs and have a cold at the same time. That sounds awful. But not to worry, at this moment I don't have to worry, I just have to be.

On Naps and the Easy Life

Yeah, it's true. I took it very easy today as a way to maybe get over this cough. I was up in the wee hours of the night without a drop of cough syrup in the house. I tried water, honey, anything. The only thing that worked was sleeping propped up on huge pillows. It, unfortunately, reminded me of being in the hospital. Needless to say the first thing Pat and I did this morning after dropping a very reluctant Bennett off at school was to go to the drug store and get five kinds of cough medicine. I guess I took some kind of step back. I hope I am not getting new virus.

After the drug store, Pat and I decided to go back to bed. I promptly fell asleep for three hours. Pat read. It was a shameful 1 pm before I got out of bed to make it to the couch so I could do only chores that required sitting and the computer. I wrote a few letters (yes, actual letters), did the bills, balanced the check book and stuff like that. Pat took Bennett swimming and to the park after school, so I had a chunk of time by myself. It was pretty nice. So, not a day necessarily lived to the fullest - I wasn't out seeing the Sphinx or on the canals in Venice, but a good day none-the-less.

Bennett, Pat and I had a discussion about imaginary friends. You see, Bennett has four - Flower, Nico, Angua, and Jane. Nico and Jane are boys who are five, Flower is a girl who is five, and Angua is two. Angua has been around the longest - well over a year. Flower just appeared maybe two weeks ago. While we were giving B medicine for growing pains, Pat told her that she had a very good imaginary friend named Dunkle when she was little. That they did everything together. B looked at me and asked me the names of my imaginary friends. I told her I didn't have any. She said I could have some now and gave me two - Fred and Vring. Our family is getting bigger by the day. So who knows what Fred, Vring and I will do tomorrow. It will be another easy day, but it will be better with my new friends along.

Posting with Mashed Potatoes

You'd think after all those months of eating mashed potato soup, I would never touch the stuff again, but who doesn't love mashed potatoes? I also started eating soup again. It sort of snuck up on me.

It's been a so-so day. I started strong by making B pancakes, taking her to swimming and playing with her. Around 12:30 I pooped out and went to rest. Two hours later I woke up. Ooops. I told Pat I was going to be 20 minutes. She's a mensch, and took B to the back room and played with her quietly the whole time. I love her for that - and so many other things.

That's about it. No sneaky bad thoughts, no pain, just me and the B and P and the goodness of the universe. Hokey? Maybe, but that's okay. I'll take it.

Getting There

I am pretty much back, but am still working on my energy and strength. I hauled Bennett around the house for awhile today and that totally wiped me out. But it was worth is, she is so much happier when I can really pay attention to her.

This morning she woke up at around 8, I was sleeping in her bed. She crawled into bed with me and told me about her dreams, introduced me to her new huge stuffed Tigger (that Aunt Dori sent), and we just chatted. It was fun. We had a quiet morning of this and that, then off with Aunties for a fun afternoon. Pat took a long hike and I got to finish a book that Aunt Ruth gave me - If Jack's in Love. It was really good - I read it in one day-ish. It's a book written by the boyfriend of one of Ruth's best friends. I was sceptical at first, but it was a great read.

A nice dinner of kale and sausage soup made by Pat and all is pretty much well. I tried to help with the chopping of veggies, but the veggies right out of the fridge hurt the tips of my fingers. Like the feeling you get after being in the snow too long and your fingers start to thaw out. It hurt. So Dr B is right (damn him!) that the effects of Oxaliplatin are cumulative. I am going to have to get some kitchen gloves. As it is Pat has to get Bennett her Fudgicals.

I hoping for a good night's sleep and lots of energy in the morning. It's time to leave this house - cozy as it is. I need some new scenery.

Eaking My Way Back

I haven't posted the last few days because all I would have posted was "ugh." I am still a little bit ugh-y, but at least I took a shower and did a few (very minor) chores today. Dr B was right, this time wasn't as hard as last time, because I wasn't getting a virus, but really it pretty much sucked. My eyes hurt all day yesterday and it feels like getting the flu every two weeks and having to get over it in three days.

Ruth and I hatched a devilish plan for a reality TV show called "the oncologist gets the chemo." I propose that Dr. B. be the first contestant.

Pat had been her usual rock self. The laundry is done, the house is pretty tidy and we are stocked with foods that are supposed to entice me. Ugh. I only want pizza, cinnamon toast and oatmeal. And tea.

I don't have much to report. Bennett has been great. A little heartbreaking at moments. Last night while we were putting her to bed she told us that we were allowed to die after she was grown up, that she needed us to stay alive to take care of her while she was little. Pat and I both were in tears. I told her we would do the best we could, but there was no way to know when someone was going to die. Then today she asked me where heaven was. Well, I lamely told her it was in the clouds. I need a better answer. Anyone got a good answer for where heaven is? I told her it was the coziest place and that angels and God lived there, and when people went to heaven they never came back. Then I told her it was not a scary thing, but a beautiful place to be. It was very hard not to cry, like right now.

In other news, my friend Jessica fell and broke her shoulder 6 weeks before her twins are due. It's a good thing she has a get-it-done attitude, because even a brave single mom would find this situation a little daunting. I told her she should write a book about her journey to having those kids. Personally, I can't wait to meet the little Ruthies.

I am going to spend the rest of the evening reading to B and helping her to bed. Hanging with Pat and going to bed. I am still fighting the coughing crud, but tonight I will brave the night without cough medicine. We'll see how long I last. I could use some words of encouragement, if you have some to spare.

Wednesday, Wednesday So Good to Me

We all woke up early because Bennett did. 6:30 and it was still pitch dark. She was in a gabby mood so while Pat slumbered, B and had some time to talk. It was fun, she is so interesting. She has gotten into the habit of telling me her dreams. They are mostly about school and her friends there. Pat had jury duty, so we all had to get up and make sure P&B had everything they needed for the day. I was planning on sleeping in, but I helped B put on her new party dress (another tag sale find) so she could wear it to school. She looked darling and very fancy.

A sort of non-sequitir, Pat and me in CA in front of cacti.

I left the house at 9, when Laureen arrived to clean the house. I have the family guilt thing - I just can't sit around while someone else is working. That is not entirely true anymore, but it's still there. So I did all the errands I could think of before acupuncture- bank, gas, goodwill drop off and I found a nightie for B and some Levi's, talked to Mary, then I talked to Ruth, then it was time for acupuncture. Nancy never ceases to amaze me. She really helps me live in the moment and stay in my own business. I just feel more alive after I talk to her.

Of course that was this morning, so many hours have past that I am going a smidge downhill. Oh well. I am grateful for this day. And that Pat didn't get picked for a jury. I have to drop my pump off tomorrow, which means I will be free again for another 12 days. Yay.

A Little Good News

So I went to chemo today and before my treatment I had a appointment with Dr B. He was very serious and talked again about the clinical trials, hooking up with an oncologist in Boston, etc. I am open to all that. Then he palpitated my abdomen and told me the main tumor there was smaller and softer. Both signs that the new drugs are working. Yay. He also told me he felt comfortable putting off the CT scan for another 2 cycles - so that is 6 cycles instead of 4. That's also good news. Pat says his mood changed after the palpitation, I didn't notice because I was so relieved.

I also asked if I can fly with the embolism in my lung. He said yes. It's not a blood clot, but a piece of a tumor. That is so gross, I don't even want to know. That means I get to go to St Lucia in February. Thank goodness. I am looking so forward to a week in a villa with Pat, Bennett, Mary and Anna.

It's funny I didn't know how worried I was. I know now because I am so relieved. And Pat too. We were a little testy with each other last night and even a little this morning. On the way home from Worcester, we talked about how stressed out we were. Even though I know that even if this drug stops working, I won't fall down dead from the news, I still don't want to die. Steve Jobs said that even people who want to get to heaven don't want to die. I can totally relate. Speaking of Steve Jobs, this is going to sound weird but his death, while very sad, is comforting to me. I think it's because if he can do it, I can too. I don't know why I feel this way, but I do.

So that's the news. I feel headachy and Dr B. said that this cycle shouldn't be as hard as last time, because last time I was getting this terrible virus. And it lingers on even after a round of antibiotics. At least the infection is gone, now I have to get rid of the cough.

I have to give you all a big thank you for your prayers and good thoughts and wishes. I couldn't do it without you all.

F-ing Chemo Tomorrow

You know what I mean. I have been nervous and half-crabby all day about it. I feel great, and the idea that I will be pumped full of drugs that alter my body and mind really bums me out. And I have to see Dr. B. tomorrow and I am sure he's going to give me shit for something. Getting a virus, not losing weight, something.

I am not going to go on and on, but I am tempted...

I had a great day. Park, Sandy, Avy, good snacks, Pat. It was nice. Now I am to bed. Wish me luck for tomorrow.

Report on Sunday

A great good day. Full and lovely. I took B back to the Y tag sale because she was sorry we didn't buy the ugly 3 ft high doll that was there yesterday. Thank goodness someone else bought it. Yikes. B found more clothes that she liked, and like yesterday I felt like we scored. A few weeks ago she didn't have one winter dress - now she has plenty and I can officially stop shopping and worrying. Of course it was 85 degrees today and I put all her summer clothes away last week.

Pat took B to see Aunties Liz and Julie, where I heard they spent most of their time together digging in the dirt. B had a bath afterward and came home in her underpants because both the pair of pants we sent her in and the emergency pair got dirty. Sounds like fun. I spent that time to myself. My first plan was to plant my butt firmly on the couch and knit and watch a movie. Instead I made some chili, finished the laundry, talked to Mary, knitted the right half of the front of the sweater I am knitting B, and cleaned the kitchen. That includes breaking my boycott on emptying the dishwasher. I think that's it. It was nice to have the house to myself while I feel good. Usually I am in the house by myself when I feel crappy. Nice change.

Pat brought B home after going back to the tag sale that had all the good metal stuff and came back with a few things. B and I snuggled on the couch and watched a movie and now P is getting B to bed.

I feel so good that I can't even remember feeling bad. I can, but it's really far away. I am so lucky that I get these times when I feel good. I know there are people who feel like crap all the time. I am thanking my lucky stars right now.

A Report on Three Days

I am just going to give a synopsis on the past three days. They have all been busy and good. I feel great and already feel sorry that I have to have chemo on Tuesday. Nancy would say that I don't know that the chemo is going to knock me down, but I pretty much do. And I am going to be sad to miss the days I am recovering from it. Blah blah blah cancer.

Thursday Pat and I hung out and it was fun. We met Sandy and Avy at the park and had a blast. The day was gorgeous.

Friday we went to the farm and it was a beautiful day and that was fun. We went to an Amenorrhea party at Liz and Julie's and we ate like queens. Bennett had blast because all her MA aunties were there.

Today Pat went to work out at the Y and called to tell me there was a big tag sale there. I asked B if she wanted to go buy some new clothes and off we went. She picked out some very pink and very cute things and I left there feeling like we scored in a big way for very little money. After that we picked up Pat and Aunt Ruth and had an adventure at the Ashfield Fall Festival. We spent the whole day there - even closed the place down. We were lucky enough to hook up with Sandy and Avy. We said we were going to meet and to call each other when we got there - not knowing there was no phone reception. We saw good music, ate treats, I got a new spoon, looked at really good old junk at tag sales, and we all bought apples. The weather was in the 80s and the leaves have not turned yet, so it was a little hard to get that fall feeling, but it was a lot of fun.

Tomorrow, who knows? Lots of laundry and cleaning up after these busy days. Or maybe we will all sleep in a laze about. It's hard to know.

Tired, in a Good Way

Okay, I know I said that I wouldn't start a post with how tired I am, but, hey I am bushed. I had a great day, thank God, and I am tired from it. Not tired from being sick, not tired from chemo, tired from living life. What a blessing.

Today the best things I did today were hanging out with Bennett for about 25 minutes at school in the afternoon. Her teachers are so awesome and B spent the time making me playdoh cookies. All the kids were staring at me as I pretended to eat each cookie and at the end pretended I had a tummy ache. B got a little worried and whispered to me, do you have a tummy ache or is it pretend. I was super happy to report to her that I pretending. She see me sick way too much. I also had to tell her teacher that I have cancer - she didn't know. I was surprised, but it was good to tell her so that she knows that B is dealing with something big at home.

The other great time I had was a challenge Pat gave me - to make her a sausage, mushroom and leek stew. I have to say it came out great and reminded me that I am a really good off-the cuff-cook. I realized that I miss cooking and am planning on making some nice beany chili tomorrow.

That's about it. I am saying that I had a great day - did you?  I hope so.

Posting with Pumpkin Custard

When I was little, my favorite dessert was my mom's famous pumpkin custard. When I didn't live with her anymore, I would pine over the pumpkin custard and wish I could make it. So about 10 years ago I called my mom and she told me it was the recipe on the back of the Libby's can. And if I wanted to make it fancy I could add a few tablespoons of brandy. Mystery revealed. Then a few years ago I decided to make it for Pat. She loves it, and most of the fall and winter we have a batch in the fridge. Today must be the first day of our fall season because I made a batch and it is so good. Even B likes it with a little cream on top, of course. She calls it pumpkin pie. Which is what I call her for a nickname, so it's been a fine fine evening.

I had a good day. And I have to say a little hallelujah for that. I took B to school, Pat and I went on a shopping adventure to Trader Joe's and then just hung out reading and loafing around until it was time to pick up B. I got her and she really wanted the teriaki chicken we get from the Chinese restaurant near our house. So we stopped, she gobbled and I decided it was time to cook. I made dinner for the second night in a row, what a pleasure. Last night I made goat stew (goat is my favorite meat, up there with pork, yum). And I got to have a really great conversation with Jessica - almost the entire time talking about what to name the little Ruthies. They will always be the little Ruthies in my heart, but the world will know them by different names.

That's about it. I gave myself a big pep talk this morning, reminding myself that I have an entire week until chemo and I am going to take advantage of it. Just like I did today.

A Fine Day

Today I left the house for more than just getting the mail or taking out the recycling. It was good, but it reminded me that I am not 100%. I have the crud that Bennett had, so now I am on antibiotics. I swear it is pretty scary when you get a little crud and it can be the thing that gets you. I think my immune system is fine, especially with the Neulasta, but it still makes me a little nervous.

That was a pretty dramatic beginning for what has been a very fine day. Let skip back to last night. B had some kind of nightmare/tantrum that lasted from about 9 to 11. It was very intense and sad. She was crying and weeping and calling out for me and Pat, but wouldn't let us touch her. Finally we just grabbed her in a big bear hug and she calmed down. She fell asleep in my arms at around midnight. Pat and I stayed up a little while and worried. What could be wrong? This morning I asked her if she remembered why she was crying, she said I was to put on my thinking head to think about it. She didn't want to know that I was already thinking about a million bad things that can happen to a kid.

Anyway, after I failed at putting on my thinking head, we all were off to swimming lessons. Bennett spent the whole time with a scowl on her face, trying to swim across the pool with her arms crossed. Luckily Sandy and Avy were there and we all went out for a snack at the Dam Cafe. It was just the right amount of activity for me. We went home and snuggled down for the afternoon. B was happy just hanging out with us and being with her stuff. I talked to her a lot, trying to figure out what was up. She finally told me that she was exhausted and that she didn't have anything scary. I felt better, but I know this is the event that makes me think that I have to really sit and tell her that I have cancer. She knows that I have chemo, that I go to the docs a lots, and I have been reading her a book about a mom who has cancer. But I have to really tell her. How to do it? I guess I will know the opportunity when I see it. Right?

So B is sleeping soundly with her Barbie who is all tucked in with her own flashlight and wash cloth blankets. I am posting while Pat is teaching at Hampshire. Here's a picture of me that B took. I like it because I can see in my eyes how much I love her.

Post 361

Okay, I definitely made hit a turning point today. While the fab Aunt Julie whisked Bennett away for their Sunday afternoon adventure, I actually got bored. It took me a minute to figure out what that feeling was, but when I did I was surprised. So I told Pat and she said, good you can take Bennett to her swimming lesson tomorrow. That's fine by me.

There's not much to say. I had a fine day doing this and that. I was happy to see B when she got back and we had a pizza party. She scarfed down most of two big slices, and I ate, well, more than that. I had an attack of the nerves this afternoon after telling Julie about my scan that is coming up in 4-6 weeks. Then I remembered that even if this new drug is not working, I will not fall down dead right then and there. There's got to be something else.  I guess there is a part of me that is thinking about the future (which I know is none of my business) and is trying to accept the notion that there just might not be anything else. And I have to say, the idea of not having chemo is pretty nice. It's just that I thought that I would not be having chemo because I was in remission, not because I am a hopeless case. That sounded pretty pathetic, but that's the kind of stuff that lives in my head.

Tonight I got to put Bennett to bed. We are reading Stuart Little, one chapter a night. She fell right to sleep and about five minutes later woke up and said with a big smile, I fell asleep and I was thinking something, but I am not going to tell you what it was. I didn't mind. Then she took my fingers and kissed the tip of each one. I just had to cry, it was so sweet. How did she get to be so incredible?

So tomorrow will be another day. Thank God, I am so grateful for the people around me, for aunties who take B when I can't manage a whole day with her. I have a lot of other things that go around in my head - my love for Pat, Bennett, the planet, my idea of heaven and God. And I get to go to sleep with those good things, and the memory of the sweetness of my life so far.

75% Human

25% I don't know what. I feel a lot better than yesterday, but still feeling knocked about. I can only imagine that if I feel this much better today, I will feel ever better tomorrow - maybe even get into the 90th percentile.

My day was good. Pat had to work, so it was just me and Bennett. Except most of the day it was just me. Intrepid Aunties Ruth and Theo came by to get B for ballet at 10 and didn't come back until 2:30. Bennett had a big adventure and I heard all kind of good things. She said she got three treats from Aunties- ice cream, some Critters and Aunt Ruth singing her songs. I am sure there were many more treats, as Aunties are the best. She came home ready to play with Critters, so we climbed into the bunk bed and played and read books. That was just my speed. We watched a little Pingu (this crazy penguin family who speak some penguin language - the only thing you can really understand is the burping and the occasional fart), had some dinner, a bath and that was that. All in all a very successful day for someone (me) who was worried about getting through it.

What did I do during my free time? I read a book under a blanket in our coziest chair most of the time. I didn't nap because I thought it might interfere with my night's sleep. I didn't sleep much last night because of all the napping. It's not much fun to be alone with my thoughts in the middle of the night, I have to say. But today instead of feeling like I am dying, I can see that it is just part of the process. The process of what? Probably dying, but living up until that last breath. Nancy says that we are all living until we take our last breath. Living is so much more than just being alive, and I intend to live the best I can.