Post 361

Okay, I definitely made hit a turning point today. While the fab Aunt Julie whisked Bennett away for their Sunday afternoon adventure, I actually got bored. It took me a minute to figure out what that feeling was, but when I did I was surprised. So I told Pat and she said, good you can take Bennett to her swimming lesson tomorrow. That's fine by me.

There's not much to say. I had a fine day doing this and that. I was happy to see B when she got back and we had a pizza party. She scarfed down most of two big slices, and I ate, well, more than that. I had an attack of the nerves this afternoon after telling Julie about my scan that is coming up in 4-6 weeks. Then I remembered that even if this new drug is not working, I will not fall down dead right then and there. There's got to be something else.  I guess there is a part of me that is thinking about the future (which I know is none of my business) and is trying to accept the notion that there just might not be anything else. And I have to say, the idea of not having chemo is pretty nice. It's just that I thought that I would not be having chemo because I was in remission, not because I am a hopeless case. That sounded pretty pathetic, but that's the kind of stuff that lives in my head.

Tonight I got to put Bennett to bed. We are reading Stuart Little, one chapter a night. She fell right to sleep and about five minutes later woke up and said with a big smile, I fell asleep and I was thinking something, but I am not going to tell you what it was. I didn't mind. Then she took my fingers and kissed the tip of each one. I just had to cry, it was so sweet. How did she get to be so incredible?

So tomorrow will be another day. Thank God, I am so grateful for the people around me, for aunties who take B when I can't manage a whole day with her. I have a lot of other things that go around in my head - my love for Pat, Bennett, the planet, my idea of heaven and God. And I get to go to sleep with those good things, and the memory of the sweetness of my life so far.