When Does a Person get to be a Princess?

According to Bennett, 13 is the just the age. Tonight B pointed to a pair of pumps with bows and said "when I am a real princess, when I am 13, can I please have a pair of shoes like those?" I said yes, of course. That as soon as she turned 13, I would get them for her, for I was the Queen. She said that I would be the King when she turned 13 and that Mama (Pat) would be Queen. With all that worked out, she went to bed. About 10 minutes later, she looked at me in all earnestness and asked who would be the Plain (Plane?) Queen starting now? We settled on Aunt Ruth. And off to sleep she went.

How incredible the world is where your moms will be King and Queen and you will be a real princess - and all she has to do is wait 10 more years. And in the meantime she has her Plain Queen.

I am okay. Lots of belly pain today. Of course in a different spot than last time. Is this a good thing? A bad sign? Gas? Who knows. I just lived with it and had my day. And a good day it was. I painted the bubbles on B's walls, started in on the trim and went eye glass shopping with Aunt Ruth. It was great. Then we had pizza and I went to pick up B. She was so happy to see me. Today there was nothing better than B running toward me and yelling mom at the top of her lungs. I love being her mom.

Tomorrow snow and home. Yay. I will give you a full update when I can.

Liver Wind

Not what you think. I went to acupuncture today and told Nancy that I was feeling irritable. She mentioned that this time a time of year for something called Liver Wind. I hope I get this right. That we are all rusty at being in the spring like weather so we are agitated and irritable. I can get on that. I know that my house has been full of liver wind the past few days, and I am not a small contributor. At least now I know that it's a phenomenon that has a name, silly as it sounds, and that it won't last forever. I don't know what comes after Liver Wind. Spring?

There are a lot of rumors that it will snow 6-12 inches on Friday. I love the idea of being stuck in the house (Livery as it may be) with beautiful snow coming down, but enough already. It's time fore spring. We spent the afternoon in the park with BFF Avy and Sandy. It was a blast. Bennett peed on the grass, B& drew with chalk on the paths, Pat chased them around, it was great fun. I'll tell the truth and tell you that I have been having abdominal pain all day. I don't know what it's from at all. I assume it's something I have to get used to. It doesn't scare me, I just know my guts are still settling down from the surgery and will be for some time.

Between acupuncture and the park, I spent the day painting Bennett's room. I got the yellow done and will do the purple tomorrow. I hope I will find time this weekend to do the trim. Right now it looks like Easter in there. I hoping the accents will make it less so. I just hope she will like having her own room and that the flooring comes in soon so we can get that done and be done already.

It was a good, fine day. One that I can honestly say I lived fully. That's the best I can do. I talked the the guy who is handling my disability case. They are skipping a few steps because I have such a strong case. I am not sure if that is good or bad. I am deciding to think of it as good, but it is hard. It is hard because a strong case to the folks I think are the most cynical means that they think... what? I don't know. I just have to believe it's good and live with my decision. Those yokels don't know anything about me, they just know what they see on paper. And I have to say stage-four metastatic colon cancer looks like something you might have to rush for. But they haven't met me - I am going to blow this shit out of the water.

Posting with the Pup

Zeus is sleeping right next to me, my arm is resting on his butt like it's an armrest. He is such a good boy that sometimes I forget to love him up as much as I should. I suppose that's true for everyone. I just forget to love everyone else up the way I should. Myself too.

One way I loved myself today was to get a facial. My first. It was pretty great. She did my feet and hands too. She even put my feet into heated foot holders, that was pretty divine. I feel very moist and soft. The facialist was Dutch, and as soon as she saw my name started speaking Dutch to me. Too bad I don't know a word. This is something I've always regretted. I know that not that many people speak Dutch, but it seems like something I should know.

I hadn't been to the Cancer Connection is about a month. It was so great to see them all. It's such a wonderful place. I wish I could give them a big donation, they all work so hard and the demand for their services is so great.

I also loved myself by working on the trim in Bennett's room. How does that help me love myself? I am going to soon have a room that I only share with Pat. That will be very nice. I plan on having that room painted completely by the weekend. We will still have to put in the new floor, but at that point we will be very close.

So take some time out tonight to remember someone to love. That's my assignment to you. It's not a bad one, it could be worse. Like making you balance your checkbook everyday.

Hideous Paperwork Tamed

It took hours and luckily Bennett was happy to loll around in a nest and watch the Jungle Book. Just the checkbook was a nightmare. I used to balance my checkbook at least every two days, now it gets ignored for weeks. Maybe I can find a balance. God knows. I got all the other paperwork done, including the cover letter for the questionnaire for Dr. B. It's amazing how business letter writing just comes right back after not doing it for so many years. After reading the material, I realized this questionnaire is the stopping or starting point for my whole case. If my doc doesn't think that I should be on disability, the case doesn't move forward no matter what my tests and procedures show. I am not getting twisted about it, because I mostly feel like it would be a good thing to get, but we will survive without it. We are in a very lucky position.

B and I went to Trader Joe's and bought a lot of good things. We also went to Marshal's where she insisted on getting shoes that have a sort of wedgie heel. I was praying that she would want the darling rhinestone covered sneakers, but no she does have her own taste. In this case her taste is ankle twisting. We played most of the day (when I wasn't doing paperwork) and it was fun. She is such a blast, I am grateful to have my days with her.

Tomorrow I am going to have my first facial. I am happy because I am so pale and saggy these days. It's age, it's the drugs, it's the winter, it's all those things. But it will be nice to see what a facial is like and maybe remind myself that taking care of the outside of my body is important too.

The Questionnaire

Yesterday I got in the mail a four page questionnaire from the Disability people for Dr. B. to fill out. It's the usual questions, diagnosis, prognosis, "is this patient a malingerer?" Well there it is in black and white, the real question. And what's the answer? I hope the answer for me is a big no, but the fact that this question is even there makes me feel like the Dis people are not really there to help, but to make sure the fakes don't get through. What a bummer.

I had a good day, got into the garden with Ruth while Pat took Bennett to a birthday party at a gym with trampolines and other fun stuff. I am looking forward to a week of feeling good and getting Bennett's room painted. I have a hideous amount of paperwork that I must take care of, so I will have to think of funs things to do between the forms and bills.

Hang in there. I am.

Departure from Chemoland

I am back, I am happy to report. It's amazing what 24 hours will do- or should I say 12 hours of sleep and a beautiful day? I taught my last class today and the work that my students did was amazing. Real professional looking work. I am so proud of them, they all worked hard, were nice to each other, and actively encouraged each other. I am sorry it's over. I almost didn't do it, I almost said no because it seemed like it was going to be too much. It wasn't - yay! I will have a picture soon so you will be able to see what I mean.

That was pretty much my day. I came home to Aunt Ruth, hung out, had some dinner, and am now trying to stay awake so that I don't have to admit that I went to bed at 7:15. Somehow 8:15 doesn't seem as pathetic.

All is well my friends. I hope you are too.

What is Really Feels Like

What does it really feel like one day after chemo ends? Like crap. I mean really really crappy. My hear has been pounding out my chest, I get winded going up the four stairs to the bedroom, I have been having that dead arm thing too. It's pretty irritating to not feel good, to not have access to being normal. Even if I know it's only going to last a little while longer. I feel guilty because I can't really do much of anything. I sit and I watch Pat take care of everything, the kid, the dog, the dishes. And I sit. Or nap. Or sit with my head in my hand.

It has not been a great day. I am looking forward tomorrow and feeling better. I'll tell you one thing, in case I haven't made it clear, chemo is no picnic and I am tired of the ants.

Life in Real Time

It goes fast. Too fast really. Every night I marvel at how my day is almost over and it's almost never long enough to do all the things I want to do. That is not the case tonight - I just want to go to bed. I feel a little hungover from the chemo. The veins on my arms and hands are all bulged out from the drugs and I have a queasy tummy, and my head hurts. Dr. B. thinks the headache might be from a temporary elevation in blood pressure, though my blood pressure when checked always remains perfect. That is lucky indeed.

I didn't do much today. I started knitting the brown complicated sweater I never finished last year. I am sure I will be done just in time for spring. I watched a movie while I knitted, returned the pump, came home and sat down. I have been in pretty much the same position ever since.

Bennett asked today when I was going to be done with my turns with the pump. And when would be know when that was. All we could say is we are working on it. She sees everything, that one. She is so engaged, there is no getting away with anything. I never even try.

Post 211

Phew, that's a lot of posting.

I am good today. Had a super busy day and thought a lot about life and death. I suppose that is how I spend most of my days. Today, though, I had a rough patch in the morning that ended with me crying in the book shop while waiting for my acupuncture appointment. As always Nancy straightened me out, and I feel much better. We figured out it was two things, I have to tell an old friend that I have cancer and haven't really been in touch with him for a couple of years. I thought it would be hard, and it might be, but the story I was spinning about that conversation was weighing on me. Not the real conversation, not based on anything that I know, just some crap my chemo brain made up.

The second thing is I had to get my tooth fixed and over the weekend I thought of a joke for the dentist "just make it last a couple of years." Not so funny if you think about it over and over for a couple of days. Let's just say when I was in her chair today, I didn't make that joke. I told her she would be the first doctor I would come to when I was chemo free. She really wants to fix that tooth. Right now all she can do is use this tooth filler. I am sure one day this tooth is just going to be a filling surrounded by tooth spackle.

So back to my busy day, lots got done - picked up the tile for the new bathroom (purple and butter cream), did a little shopping, got my glasses fixed, acupuncture, dentist, bank, gas, you get it. All with my pump and red red cheeks from the steroids. I am pretty proud of myself. I also got to read Bennett books and play with her tonight and she was super giggly. That makes me happy. So I end this day on a good note. I return my pump tomorrow - my turn is almost over. Thank goodness.

The Heartbreak

Oh oh oh oh, the heartbreak. Not two minutes after telling me that she loves me "so tight" (and she loves Mama a little bit), Bennett told me when she gets older she is going to get a pump. I told her that I hoped she never had to have a pump. She then put on her serious voice and said "no, Mom-o, when I am older I am getting a pump." I just kissed her and let it go. Of course she wants everything that I have, everything that I do. It's normal. What is not normal is that I have metastatic colon cancer and have had a pump every two weeks (except for the break for  surgery) since August, with no end in sight.

That is not entirely true, I will be having a scan on April 28 or 29. He said he just wants to make sure there are no surprises. Yeah, me too. He never said anything about stopping chemo, as a matter of fact I have heard him say a couple of times that I will be on some form of chemotherapy for the rest of my life. God, I hope it's not the kind I get now. I hope it's some gentler form that is like having marshmallows thrown at me for a time, or having to eat cotton candy while lying in clouds.

So, I had chemo today. I also met with Dr. B. The only really interesting things I found out today is my blood pressure is great (Avastin sometimes makes blood pressure rise very high) and that I cannot go swimming at the Y. I sort of knew that, but now I have the news from the doc. Poor Bennett. Poor me. It's only for indoor pools. If we had a pool, I could swim in it. If it was a super clean outdoor pool, I could swim in it. It even sounds like I might be able to swim at Musanti Beach this summer, since they test for grotties every day.

I am going to bed now, but not before publicly declaring what a mensch Pat is. She came with me today, made dinner, cleaned up and is now making homemade strawberry/yogurt popsicles for B. She amazes me every day.

Photos and Chemo

I have chemo tomorrow and welcome all prayers and well wishes for that. Here are some pictures from NYC trip.

Miss B and Mr B

Dinner at Panna II - check out the decor

Pat and Bennett eating ice cream in Little Italy

Pat, me, and Bob with cordials and ice cream. Notice the tiny glass in my hand.

Me and Bennett on the Staten Island Ferry. 

Butt Fruit and Broken Teeth

Our trip to New York was a trip. It was so much fun and so tiring at the same time. There was just no way to be able to do all the things we wanted to do while we were there, so we decided to savor every minute of what we did. First we got there around four in the afternoon on Firday and the first thing we did was go to the park in Washington Square. Bennett had a chance to size up the New York kids. They were for the most part just like any other kids we've met. We then had a feast of Chinese food from my favorite place, Sammys Noodle House. It was a place I haunted at least once a week when I lived in NYC.

Bob and Jim were the ultimate gentlemen and gave up their bed for us, so in the morning while they slept on the couches, we snuck out to the park and to get coffee to give them time to sleep in. Bennett played with the other kids and we sat with the other tired-eyed parents while pretending to be New Yorkers. We got back to the (incredibly beautiful) apartment just time for me to break my tooth on a piece of leftover scallion pancake.  After that bummer, we all piled into a cab and took the Staten Island Ferry so Bennett could see the Statue of Liberty - the green lady. It was a beautiful day and we rode on the outside deck on the way back. After the Ferry, we went to DiPalo's. Pat and Bennett went out for ice cream while Bob, Jim and I had a cheese, olive oil and balsamic vinegar tasting. It was awesome. Then we went to China Town where Pat bought a Durian. It's a giant brown spiky fruit and there was a woman there who was sort of butchering them. Pat bought one and Bob said it tasted like the smell of butt. It sort of did. But Pat likes it, and is at this minute waiting for some to thaw out so she can have some. It's a little stinky in here.

We all met Jessica at this crazy Indian restaurant on 1st Ave that B&J&I have been going to since grad school. They have so many layers of holiday decorations that you literally cannot stand up straight, but the food is excellent and Bennett was taken by party atmosphere.  I will have more pictures tomorrow when I figure out how to get them off Jim's Facebook page.

After B went to bed we had a buffet of cordials and ice creams. It was total heaven. I couldn't love Bob and Jim more. At least I don't think so, and then I do. It was a wonderful, wonderful weekend. 

Life as a Neutral Phenomonon

Life as a neutral phenomenon. I didn't make this up, Nancy told me about it. It's that all of the events in life are what they are, and are only made into what we make them by imposing our story onto them. Everything, she says, everything including having an emergency. She used the example of bleeding all over the ER floor. That it all is neutral until we decide it is not. I am trying to write about how profound this it so me. I think it's related to my epiphany and being able to live with cancer better - especially emotionally. If I think of chemo as a neutral event (though one that is working like crazy), it is easier for me not to get low when I go. I can sit in the chair for the four or five hours and be sad, or I can sit and chat with Pat or Ruth or whomever is with me. Maybe watch a movie and talk to the nurses and it isn't so bad.

I once saw a woman getting chemo and her five- or six-year old daughter was tucked in next to her in the big chemo chair. They were reading a book and snuggling together. It was a beautiful sight, if you just take a minute to understand the love that exists there.

Bennett asked me the other day to take her swimming. I don't want to go to the Y pool because it seems like the most humid and germy place I can think of (not really, but close). I told her I couldn't, and she said "not on a day when you have your pump, I mean you don't have your pump now, so you can go swimming with me." I told her it was the medicine and not the pump that made it so I couldn't take her to the pool, but I would take her other good places. She was okay with that. Pat takes her swimming almost every day these days. Bennett can swim without a bubble and jumps in by herself. You know I want to see that. Desperately. So, those of us mothers who have cancer take our kids where we can spend the most time with them - even the chemo chair.

Tonight Bennett put her little dolls to bed while humming Yellow Submarine to them. I used to sing that to her every night as her night-night song. I didn't know she remembered it. It was lovely.

Zits, Wrinkles and Cancer?

How can this be fair? I am okay with the wrinkles and even the pimples, but all three? Come on. The wrinkles are from, well, age. The pimples are from the new chemo meds, and God knows what the cancer is from. Well, at least I still have some hair, because then I would have zits, lines, cancer and be bald!

Where is the cancer from? I wish I knew. It's not genetic, I don't fit into any of the categories, you know, male, over 70, bad diet, smoker. I really should have been smoking and drinking my brains out all this time. I haven't even used conventional deodorant for the past 25 years because of the aluminum salts may lead to dementia. Again, I have to look on the bright side, I am very lucky that I don't have any other ailments. So I come to cancer from a place of health. I feel great and sometimes go for hours without thinking about having cancer. Sometimes, I just plum forget. And it's not even that bad when I remember. I think when I had my epiphany in the hospital, things just got easier.

My epiphany went like this. It was right after the pain meds stopped working and the docs got the meds back in order, the next morning I thought "F*ck this." That was it. What that meant to me is that I am not going to scared anymore. That if I can live through one of my biggest fears (uncontrolled pain), then I am not going to live in fear. And that is when everything got better.  Even with my new crop of pimples. Thank God.

Super Quick

Total nightmare getting Bennett to bed tonight, so I don't have much time to post because I have to get to bed myself. Let's just say I had a good day with lots of activity that included a little to much and I am pooped. I am working on my stamina, and that means being tired a lot. I guess. Who knows really? I just want as much life as I can get.

Posting with Licorice

It's not great for my sore tooth, but it's good for my soul. I have a long history with licorice. I actually stole pennies from my mother's milk money cup to buy licorice. Sorry, mom. I also used to order licorice ice cream from Baskin Robbins when I was a kid. I just love it. So today when we went to the candy shop, I bought some and now I sit here eating it and posting. What could be better?

What a nice day I had today. Pat worked all day, and sometimes that makes me nervous on Mondays - taking care of B all day. I think it's left over from when I didn't have any energy and I would need to nap and B would be all over the place, and sometimes I would just nap anyway. It was not a great situation. Anyway, this morning B did not want to leave the house and I really wanted to go do something, anything. I asked her where would you go if you could go anywhere. She said the toy shop, A to Z. I said okay. I don't think I've ever seen her get dressed so quickly. We were out the door at 11 and off. We went to the bank, AtoZ, then we lucked out at the discount shoe place and got her the cutest red shoes. They were the only pair and I thought "there's no place like home" when I found them. I was so excited that B got excited and demanded to wear them out. I was happy to oblige as she was wearing two different colored Crocs. We had pizza, and met Sandy and Avy for ice cream. After that we went to the toy department in a snooty boutique, where B proceeded to squeeze a toy so hard all of the liquid inside of it squirted everywhere. I was mortified, so I took her to the candy shop.

And that was our day. Pat made a fantastic dinner, I feel good, I get to work on the bedroom tomorrow. It's all so good. I am so grateful to have this time. I also have flashes of not getting to do this stuff for very long. It's a weird thing to live with. I still have pain, in my lower back from the Neulasta, in my jaw from my bad tooth, I always have a slight headache and sometimes it feels like someone stole all the lube from my hip joints. Sometimes I move slow, but at least I am moving, and that is what I need to remember.

Cleaning Things Out Without Thoughts of Dying

Yes, I felt the need to spring clean today. I raked up some of the front yard before pooping out. I have to work on my stamina, because I literally could only do half and many of you know how tiny the front yard is. It was gratifying to see the irises, oregano, thyme and lavender all coming back with vigor. I found the crab apple tree I planted when B was born has a split in the trunk. I think it's from being in the path of the plow. We'll just have to see if it survives. If not, I will plant a plum, I think.

To recover from the gardening, I played iPaddy with B and tried not to be a slug. It was hard today because I really did not sleep well last night and we lost an hour and I wish I could just get eight solid hours of sleep. A woman can dream. Pat took B to swimming and I decided it was time to clean out my dresser. I have been wanting to get rid of stuff in my dresser, but was too afraid that it would mark some sort of ritual around dying. You know, people start giving stuff away, throwing crap out so their kids or spouse don't have to deal with it. But, really, for me today was about getting the shirts and giant undies out and making room for the stuff that has been living on top of my dresser for the past year. I thought I would feel more meaning in the things I was tossing (and donating), but when it come right down to it, they are just things.

Why did it take me so long to learn this lesson? And why not give some things away? I have some beautiful things sitting in boxes, why not get them into the hands of people who will appreciate them? I have no need for these things. And not because I have cancer, but because I got a little common sense today.

Finally, a BLT

And not just any BLT, I am talking about fat juicy organic tomatoes, local bacon, handmade bread and lots of mayo. It was fantastic. And I will be having another one. If you are wondering, I got it from Bread Euphoria, where everyone should go at least once and awhile.

I taught my awesome class today. The work is incredible and I am so pleased to be part of it. I can't believe the class is ending is two short weeks. I am going to be sad not to have a place to go that challenges me so much - physically and mentally. And I will miss the people - they are a great bunch.

I was pretty flippin' pooped after class and after the BLT, but I couldn't fall asleep at nap time. Good thing too, because just as I was giving up trying to get to sleep, Pat and Bennett got home and I got to play with them. They are my favorite people in the whole world and I love to have them to myself. It feels rare these days, which is a good sign that I am not as isolated as I was. Anyway, a little while later Aunt Ruth came over to play with Bennett (they have a very lovely and special relationship) and I spent the entire, and I mean entire, time she was here trying to work out the plane tickets to England. All is set and we are going and I can't wait. I have not been on a plane in, are you sitting down?, 12 years. Somehow all this cancer stuff has put my fear of flying into context.

Had some dinner and now I am drinking a very small glass of port. It's a little like flossing, I am not really supposed to do it, but I do and it makes life that much better.

It's the Friday Before the Saturday

It's the Friday before the Saturday when I usually feel better. I feel better than I did 5 hours ago, and I am sure that tomorrow morning I will be just about there. I get this weird heavy/weak arm thing that lasts a little longer than everything else, so I am hoping to be able to get through my class without my arms falling off.

I have to say there is not much to report for today. I was mostly in a fugue state, slept in late, took a two hour nap. I think the only tangible thing I did today was finish Bennett's pink kitty hat. Every time I tried to get up to do something it was like a giant hand would push me back down onto the couch. I feel like it's good to heed to the giant hands.

Tomorrow I will shower, teach my class, and I bet, come home and sleep. Pat already planned an afternoon outing with B in case I need the time to recuperate. She is a total rock and I wouldn't be able to be who I am in this without her.

Crash

That's what happened to me today. I crashed, and how. I did a few things this morning, not more strenuous than folding laundry and taking out the garbage. Then I just had to sit, so I knitted until it was time to drive myself to Worcester to drop off the pump. That was fine and I just turned around and came home. When I got home, I got into bed and the people from disability called. I had an hour long interview with them and had to describe all of the procedures and drugs and events of the past, what is it now, almost eight months. A lot has happened. It was a little like telling a story about someone else, because it was such a bizarre tale, that it must have happened to someone else.

I guess not, because she was talking to me. After that conversation, I got to fall into a lovely nap just long enough to have a hot flash. A new T shirt later, and all was well. An apple and frosted flakes for dinner and now I am going to bed. I know I will be better tomorrow, it's just the day three crash, bang, boom. Rama-a-lang-a-ding-dong. See I feel better already.

Phew What a Day

I had a great day, even lugging around the pump. Day 2 is easier because I am not as drugged up and the pump get lighter as the chemo drugs go into my body. It does start out quite heavy. So this is where I brought my pump today - to Home Depot, twice. Once to get paint and twice to order the floor tile for the new bathroom. I took it to the laundry room about a million times to do actual laundry, but also to haul crap from the old bedroom to empty it out to get ready for the new paint and floor. I picked out some bright color samples for B to choose from - she had five or six choices. I was sure she would go for the pink, but she chose purple. They were all colors Pat and I decided were acceptable before showing B.

I also took my pump outside to remove a little snow from the front garden. I picked up a piece of trash this morning and under it was inch-high iris plants. I quickly removed all the plant debris from the area and there were crocuses and daffs, also about an inch high. I went inside, grabbed the shovel and started removing the snow from the rest of the garden. I pooped out pretty quick and it's supposed to rain tomorrow anyway. I just thought I would give those notes of spring a head start.

I went to acupuncture and on the way I called to wish my mom a happy 82nd birthday. I woke her up with my mathematical error that made me think it was 9 her time and not 8. I am so proud to have such a great mom. At acupuncture I got some help with my neck and nausea. I just feel a little blah in the belly now, I can't stand taking my anti nausea meds, they make me feel dizzy and dopey. After acupuncture I took my pump to the garden store and bought brand new pink garden gloves. I am not really supposed to work in the garden but I am going to wear latex gloves under the garden gloves and Pat swears she will help with the nasty bits. I already know one of my rose bushes bit the dust this winter. Oh well.

Tomorrow I will prepare the ceiling for painting this weekend. I will take my faithful yet not so loved pump back to Worcester. I guess my turn is over - that's what I tell Bennett. The sad thing is it is now someone else's turn.

The Pump is Baaaaack

I went to chemo today. at it was just as I thought. Nothing to be worried about because it is pretty much the  same as usual. I was there from 9:20 until about 3- I had labs, saw Christine (Dr. B's PA) and waited for them to get the orders right. They usually do, but Christine forgot the Avatstin and Bendryl. I knew they would insist on the Avastin, and I insisted on the Bendryl. I am such that is why I didn't have bone pain last time. Okay, just little where my epidural was, but who knows what that is from.

I am happy to report that I am just about 10 pounds less than when I started this process. I am good at this weight, and happy not to feel my bones quite as much. I was little freaked out there for awhile, thought I always felt lucky that I started at a place with some wiggle room. I have seen some pretty skinny people when I go to chemo.

I still have mixed feelings about my pump. It's good it's bad and that's the way it is. I live with it. I hate it. I love that it's killing the cancer. I hate the cancer even more than the pump. It's not even a fair comparison.

What I love is Bennett running to see me after a day of school, how much fun Pat and Bennett have swimming together, the possibility of purple paint for Bennett's room, petting Bennett's head until she sleeps, her naked butt running to the bath, anything with caramel, and lemon curd. What do you love?

Chemo Tomorrow

Yep, and my nerves are a little shot. I am not sure why, but my eye is a little twitchy and I think it's nerves. I am not going to get all into it. I am just going to go with it and it will all be okay. It's not my business to worry about tomorrow anyway.

I had a busy day, lots done, and now I am going to bed. Wish me luck for tomorrow. I am feeling good about it and worried too.

Where's My Cookie?

In my mouth, of course.  I have been having a love affair with cookies the past month or so. All shapes and sizes. flavors, textures. They are just so good. On one of Bennett's CDs, Cookie Monster sings a song called Me Left Me Cookie at the Disco - and it is stuck in my head. The refrain is "where's my cookie? help me find my cookie, hey." What I am trying to say is cookies are everywhere.

I am on a kick to get things done. Pat and I spent the afternoon setting up the new bedroom so we can call sleep in there. We also got a lot of stuff out of the old bedroom. My god we have a lot of crap. It just built up without me paying attention. I am not even going to talk about the dust bunnies, they were that scary. I am really proud of how much we got done. Bennett now has a big girl bed - twin sized and she is excited about it. It was touch and go at first, but as soon as she saw that it had all of her stuff on it, she warmed right up.

So now I work on the new room. I will have to see how my energy goes. This week coming up is chemo week, and we all know what that means. I feel great today and have for at least the last week, so I am hopeful that this luck will continue. I also feel like it's time to just learn to push through and live as much as possible, even with a headache, even with bone pain. Now's the time. I have a lot of these sayings now-a-days. It's now or never, you get the idea.

Tonight we had a belated birthday feast at Ruth and Theo's (for Pat). Excellent nosh, wine and company. What more could you ask for?

As always, I am a little nervous about chemo. I am sure it will go just like it always has, but there is always a worry to it for me. Maybe it's just that it's the biggest reminder that I have cancer. There really isn't much else that really throws it in my face like chemo does. Even all the pills I take in the morning and night, it's just not the same as getting hooked up to an IV through a port that lives under my skin IN my body. Freaky. But that freaky stuff is saving my life and I believe kicking the tumors in my liver's butt. So no more fear, just hope and love and butt kicking for me.

Curd

Do you think it's bad for me to eat 1/2 a jar of lemon curd in one sitting. Oh, yeah, me too. I would never do such a thing. Yum.

Another fine day for me. My class was great and the work my students are doing is incredible. Everyone is nice to each other and there is a lot of hard work happening. I love it. I have an idea for a piece of work for a window we have here. I will get on that once Bennett's room is done. Pat and I have a date tomorrow to move everything out of the old bedroom into the new bedroom so we can work on the old bedroom (so it will be Bennett's). We have this idea that Bennett's room and the new bathroom should be done before my brother and his wife come to visit in June. I think we can do it. Pat and I are a very good team - we do not work together that well, but we excel at tag-teaming projects. I do the closet and make it cute, she sees it's cute and puts in the floor, you get the idea.

I spent the rest of the day doing this and that. I opened a cookbook for the first time in months and made a nice dinner. Again, something I have not been doing for the past 6 months. I made dinner almost every night for years, and somehow forgot how. I have to reacquaint myself with the process as it was very satisfying.

Now I am going to watch a movie and keep relaxing. You guys have been great, but I have to go now. Good night.

I Battle and I Floss

My mother sends me some kind of letter every Wednesday. Some times it is a letter, sometimes is a bit of family history, once it was my father's CV (which was really interesting). This week she sent me a family timeline that starts in 1925 with the birth of my now deceased Uncle Tom. The newest entry is "2010 Ruth battles cancer." Three small words, a flood of tears. I sort of forgot. I forgot that I am fighting, fighting for my life. Every time I take a pill, eat a meal or pet the dog, I am fighting. How can that be? I know that I have some pain in my back and belly and that I have bloody noses from the new drugs. I know these things are all related to battling cancer, but it's hard to remember when the biggest issue at this moment is that I am not allowed to floss my teeth.

That's how it is. My life is still my life. I still get crap in my teeth, and all you lucky people out there who get to floss, I wish I had it so easy. Okay, I did floss tonight and it was great, but it doesn't come without risks. Releasing bacteria into my system, which may be immune compromised is not the best thing to do, but I just couldn't live another moment with so much gunk between what's left of my teeth. That's a whole other story.

So, here I am - a little sad, but mostly really good. I stayed home with Bennett all day today, did laundry, made cupcakes with B, started the process to apply for disability benefits. That is going to be a drag, but it seems dumb not to do it. Hosted a cupcake decorating party with B's BBF Avy and her mom Sandy. Sandy and I were the only ones really interested in decorating the cupcakes. The little one just smeared on the frosting then ate the first 3/4" of the cupcake and moved onto the next cupcake. We had a small bowl of coconut flakes for decorating and Bennett asked why we were going to put cheese on the cupcakes.

Another thing B did today. She played "pump." She put a crochet hook and some yarn in and around her shirt and said that it was her turn to have a pump and that the medicine was making her better. She walked around like that, holding the parts in place, for about a half an hour. It was pretty intense. I played along in the most mellow way, but inside I was like "holy shit I am scarring my kid for life."

There is my life as it is today. Good, bad and ugly, but at least I don't have crap in my teeth at the moment.

I Had a Burger

And not just any burger. The Zagat's guide #1 burger in the US. That's right - at Red Robin. It was good, with plenty of onion, cheese and pickles. They also have endless fries. Ruth and I went for lunch and it was fun. We just talked and talked and ate and ate some more. I didn't get home until time to go get Bennett. So, I went to get B and she asked me to take her to Herrell's. Can't say no to the best ice cream I've ever had. She had vanilla and I had Triple Malt. Herrell's will add malt to just about anything, but their malted vanillas are the best. It was fun to just sit together and talk.  Then we went home, and had the usual evening of dinner, bath, books, etc.

So now I am posting. I am pretty good. I haven't been sleeping well and that's a drag. I wonder if the new chemo drug makes me a little speedy. I have to ask next week. Last night I had a glass of port before bed and that really helped. I am pretty sure I should not make that a habit - you know, for my liver and all. It's got enough to contend with.

I am also in a conundrum about what color flooring to pick for B's room. I don't want to pick out anything that is not going to be versatile, but I also want it to be fun. Why, oh why, doesn't this former dance studio have one hard wood floor anywhere? It would make things so much easier and cooler. Oh well, a challenge is a good thing for me to have right about now. It keeps my mind off other things...if you know what I mean.

I am knitting B a pink kitty hat. She told me that is what she wants and then the blue dog hat. She wore the rainbow socks to school today and showed them off to her favorite teacher. I guess the hating was short lived. I just put them in her sock basket last night thinking they would just sit there - she is a surprise every day. She cried and cried today when I told her we were not going to New York City after dinner. They are studying the city at school and she knows we are going soon, so it was just a terrible heart break to learn that she has to wait. Boy, do I understand.

POST 190

Can you believe it? That's a lot of griping, crying, rejoicing and kvetching. And it's all been good, I think, at least it's been good for me. Thanks for hanging in there with me. Before I forget here are the rainbow socks I made for Bennett.

They have been soundly rejected. I am hoping that she will come to like them and wear them. She told me to give them to another kid. Maybe I will. The problem is, I care and she doesn't. Oh well, maybe I shouldn't care so much. Pat says B will one day pick them up and put them on and love them. Hopefully they won't be too small by then.

Had another good day. As a matter of fact I am sitting here posting and eating this fantastic salty Dutch licorice that P got me for Christmas. She told me that day we will just hold on to it until I can eat it. I am going to polish off the container tonight. I took B to school, went to the Goodwill (which is looking rather lean these days), had acupuncture and had lunch with M and M's daughter. It was very interesting. I mostly felt like she needed a new doctor who would take better care of her. It really made me appreciate Dr. B. and his expertise. You know after all this chemo and crap I have only thrown up three or four times. This poor woman is barfing all the darn time. We are getting the same drugs, so it must be the anti-nausea drugs Dr. B. gives me and my reaction to the chemo drugs. I am very lucky. Then I painted the closet and finished knitting B's second sock.

Now I am trying to find a new knitting project. I have a 3/4 done sweater from last year that I am avoiding like the plague. It's complicated and brown- I want to knit things that are bright and fun and easy. I'll keep you posted on what I choose. I don't think it's going to be anything for Bennett since she doesn't like the sweaters I've made for her and she is not interested in the socks. I am starting to get a complex.

Tomorrow I am not sure what I going to do. I have to install a rod in the closet and start a plan for B's room. I don't want to get too deep into anything because it's impossible to get anything done on the weekend and I have chemo next week. And we all know what that does to the week and to me.

BTW I had a Cesar salad today. It was divine. Tell me something divine.

Asparagus Pee and Other Good Things

Okay, no hamburger, and no chocolate malt as my sister suggested today. But I did have a big plate of roasted asparagus, leeks and peppers for dinner - along with a fine selection of cheeses and the oil and vinegar from B&J. What a feast! Fresh tomatoes, cucs and red peppers. It's like summer in our house (don't notice the huge carbon footprint, please.).

It was a fine day today. Took B to school and came right home to work on the closet and book shelf. I am happy to report the bookshelf that would not die is now done and the closet has a fine, very deep shelf installed in it. And a handy door knob. On Thursday I will paint the closest, install a rod, and declare my part done. The floor needs some work, but Pat says she will take care of it.

While I was finishing the bookshelf, I realized that I may have over done it and that I needed some time to sit, so I had an afternoon of bad TV and knitting. I left to get B early and skulked around the paint department at Home Depot. I have some ideas to make the old bedroom nicer for Bennett. Read: add some pink, lots of pink.

Then, as if the day wasn't triumph enough, we got to have root beer floats and sundaes with Sandy and Avy. I have to say that was the crowning glory. It's been months since I sat down and chatted and let B play under the restaurant table for hours. It was great fun and really made me feel like my life was getting normal again. And that is exactly what I promised myself when I was in the hospital - that if my life is going to be shorter than I might like, then it is not going to be spent in bed, for goodness sakes. My life is going to be overdoing it everyday if I have to - I cannot stop just because I have a little pain or fatigue.  Well, I can stop sometimes, and I will try to do what I want to do without really over doing it.

I came home to a lovely dinner feast made by my favorite Top Chef, Pat. And now it's time for a quiet restful evening of more knitting (I am making socks for B) and time with Pat. What more could a I ask for?