My mother sends me some kind of letter every Wednesday. Some times it is a letter, sometimes is a bit of family history, once it was my father's CV (which was really interesting). This week she sent me a family timeline that starts in 1925 with the birth of my now deceased Uncle Tom. The newest entry is "2010 Ruth battles cancer." Three small words, a flood of tears. I sort of forgot. I forgot that I am fighting, fighting for my life. Every time I take a pill, eat a meal or pet the dog, I am fighting. How can that be? I know that I have some pain in my back and belly and that I have bloody noses from the new drugs. I know these things are all related to battling cancer, but it's hard to remember when the biggest issue at this moment is that I am not allowed to floss my teeth.
That's how it is. My life is still my life. I still get crap in my teeth, and all you lucky people out there who get to floss, I wish I had it so easy. Okay, I did floss tonight and it was great, but it doesn't come without risks. Releasing bacteria into my system, which may be immune compromised is not the best thing to do, but I just couldn't live another moment with so much gunk between what's left of my teeth. That's a whole other story.
So, here I am - a little sad, but mostly really good. I stayed home with Bennett all day today, did laundry, made cupcakes with B, started the process to apply for disability benefits. That is going to be a drag, but it seems dumb not to do it. Hosted a cupcake decorating party with B's BBF Avy and her mom Sandy. Sandy and I were the only ones really interested in decorating the cupcakes. The little one just smeared on the frosting then ate the first 3/4" of the cupcake and moved onto the next cupcake. We had a small bowl of coconut flakes for decorating and Bennett asked why we were going to put cheese on the cupcakes.
Another thing B did today. She played "pump." She put a crochet hook and some yarn in and around her shirt and said that it was her turn to have a pump and that the medicine was making her better. She walked around like that, holding the parts in place, for about a half an hour. It was pretty intense. I played along in the most mellow way, but inside I was like "holy shit I am scarring my kid for life."
There is my life as it is today. Good, bad and ugly, but at least I don't have crap in my teeth at the moment.
You know, most of us have "2010 Ruth battles cancer" on our calendars and timelines. It is intense, and on our minds, and in our prayers. We all feel our responsibility to your battle, and that's good. We all may have gotten less direct about telling you how much your healing is in our thoughts and prayers daily. That's our calendars, timelines, refrigerator doors. You stick with yours, which includes doctor appointments, shelves, knitting, acupressure, school pickups, cupcake decorating parties, and an occasional, daring floss. And we'll stick with ours.
ReplyDeleteAs for B's pump. It seems to me, you're not scarring her. You're allowing her to find her own healing. Amazing!
You are not scarring your daughter or life. She is coping, in a very healthy way, with life. Life is glorious and shitty all at the same time. Kids who live in " plastic bubbles" grow up to be fearful adults trying to figure out why life isn't perfect anymore , and always wanting. Bennett will grow up with strength and endurance to be able to cope with all the bullshit life will hand her...as it hands to all of us. She will be the steadfast, compassionate, and insightful friend who will always be there for her friends and her moms. You'll see, and you will reep the benefits of having a strong woman for a daughter. Karen B
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