This is what Pat calls the Thursday of chemo. It's just the right name. I feel whooped. I am tired, and head -achy and my heart is beating harder than usual. Nancy would say there is no way to know the future, as it is none of my business, but I am fairly certain I will sleep long and hard tonight and feel a lot better tomorrow.
Pat, how can I explain how great she is?, is taking B for an adventure tomorrow to the DAR Reservoir so that I can have most of the day to rest. I know they will have fun and I will feel better faster. My only job tomorrow is to go to the farm and pick up our veggies. That doesn't sound so hard.
I really believe this is how disability payments are supposed to work. The family gets financial relief so that everyone can be taken care of better. Pat says she feels more able to take care of me and herself, I feel better just having her around, even though I don't actually need her to be here. B is psyched that we are both around. I am so grateful for SSI.
I didn't post last night. I was too busy getting the bejeezus scared out of me while I watched the movie Zodiac - by myself. It was doubly scary because I grew up at the time it was happening in towns around where I lived. So the Zodiac Killer and the SLA play a lot into my childhood fears. Needless to say, it took me a long time to fall asleep last night. My sister, Mary, was the one who recommended the movie. When I gave her some guff for it today she told me that she never thought I would watch it alone. It was kind of foolish.
So, Bennett fell asleep in my arms at 5, I am about to keel over, Pat is graciously cleaning up the dinner dishes. At this point in chemo I don't have much drive to eat, but if something ends up in front of me, I will eat it and enjoy it. Pat made pork lion and zucchini. It was delicious and by some miracle it just appeared before me and I gobbled it up. Lucky me.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Why Don't We Have Any Cookies?
I had chemo and came home and immediately had a nap. I am barely awake and craving cookies. We don't have any, but don't cry for me yet - we have Jojo's ice cream from Trader Joe's.
Not a long one tonight. I am looking forward to having a good nights' sleep and an easy day tomorrow with acupuncture and a visit to Yes computers because I found my iPod in a rain puddle on the floor. I think it might be dead. Super bummer.
Not a long one tonight. I am looking forward to having a good nights' sleep and an easy day tomorrow with acupuncture and a visit to Yes computers because I found my iPod in a rain puddle on the floor. I think it might be dead. Super bummer.
Monday, June 27, 2011
Chemo Manana
I could not for the life of me figure out how to get this ~ over the n. In keeping with my international tomorrow is chemo titles, today we have my pathetic version of Spanish. I am sure my mom will write me an email explaining how to get the ~ over the n and maybe even how to get accents where they belong. They may or may not work - I am a Mac girl and she is my PC mom. We agree on many many things, and she just got an iPad, so there is hope.
Today I have been thinking a lot about how I spend my days. You know the big question that plagues people with cancer - I assume, but have no evidence, I only know it plagues me- is Is this the way I want to spend my time/day/moment? Most of the time the answer is yes. Even when I am washing Bennett's hair and she is screaming in my ear that I am a rotten mother (not in those exact words). Today I was also remarking to myself about how my life hasn't changed that much. I still do a lot of work around the house, I do house improvement projects (today I installed the switch plates and three lamps in the new bathroom), I still worry about money and canning and how ugly my feet are. It's still pretty much how my life is. Once big change is I let things go much easier. Have I really weeded the backyard this year? Nope. Do I pay attention to the leftovers in the fridge? Not really. Do I buy more stuff than ever on line? Yep. This I can't explain. Sometimes I think it is retail therapy, sometimes I remind myself that 99% of the time it's stuff we need, sometimes I think I am trying to make sure that B&P have all they need in case I cut out a little earlier than expected.
So I have chemo tomorrow. Chemo always always makes me think of dying and death. There isn't a more potent example in my life that I have cancer than chemo. Maybe being bald, but now I have some cute hats and it's cool in the hot weather, etc. I am anticipating that is will all go smoothly, that I will watch a movie with Pat, that we will talk about what projects we are going to work on next, my chemo eyes will set in and I will come home and feel yuck. But I feel pretty damn good right now, so I am going to enjoy the rest of my evening with Pat (B is asleep), and I am going to answer yes to Is this how I want to spend this moment.
Today I have been thinking a lot about how I spend my days. You know the big question that plagues people with cancer - I assume, but have no evidence, I only know it plagues me- is Is this the way I want to spend my time/day/moment? Most of the time the answer is yes. Even when I am washing Bennett's hair and she is screaming in my ear that I am a rotten mother (not in those exact words). Today I was also remarking to myself about how my life hasn't changed that much. I still do a lot of work around the house, I do house improvement projects (today I installed the switch plates and three lamps in the new bathroom), I still worry about money and canning and how ugly my feet are. It's still pretty much how my life is. Once big change is I let things go much easier. Have I really weeded the backyard this year? Nope. Do I pay attention to the leftovers in the fridge? Not really. Do I buy more stuff than ever on line? Yep. This I can't explain. Sometimes I think it is retail therapy, sometimes I remind myself that 99% of the time it's stuff we need, sometimes I think I am trying to make sure that B&P have all they need in case I cut out a little earlier than expected.
So I have chemo tomorrow. Chemo always always makes me think of dying and death. There isn't a more potent example in my life that I have cancer than chemo. Maybe being bald, but now I have some cute hats and it's cool in the hot weather, etc. I am anticipating that is will all go smoothly, that I will watch a movie with Pat, that we will talk about what projects we are going to work on next, my chemo eyes will set in and I will come home and feel yuck. But I feel pretty damn good right now, so I am going to enjoy the rest of my evening with Pat (B is asleep), and I am going to answer yes to Is this how I want to spend this moment.
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Who's Your Daddy?
There no real reason for that title, except I thought it was funny that Bennett thinks I am the Daddy. I still like it.
Today was the big day - the big birthday party. We were very lucky that we got the first sunny day in five days. We had an old-fashioned party - in the park with cake. It was really fun. Everyone came, some kids from the park joined in, Brad led some running games, Theo and Ruth watched as kids disappeared into the jungle gyms, Pat was good with everyone and provided the much-waited-for kitty cake. Bennett was pretty good with not being too greedy with the presents - it was very hard for her to wait. All 11 balloons ended up in the sky - one at a time, off sad girls' wrists, blown by the wind into the trees. Not even one came home with us. B was a little sad about that.
After the party BFF Avy and Sandy, Brad and Emma came over so B&A could take a dip in the kitty pool. It was a relief to just sit, put some water on my bald head, drink some seltzer and relish the success of the party with such good people.
We are all wiped out, the house is a disaster, we have a ton of things to unpack, but don't have the energy. And I don't mean I don't have the energy because I have had chemo, but I am feeling like a normal person who is tired in a normal way. Pat is tired, she doesn't get chemo. Bennett is totally wiped out, she doesn't get chemo. And thank God for both of those things.
Tomorrow we will clean up, perhaps our four year old will help. Perhaps not. But it will all get done when it needs to. Tomorrow is Pat first day as a free agent. I am so happy she is home with us. So happy to be here with my family and all the ones we love.
Today was the big day - the big birthday party. We were very lucky that we got the first sunny day in five days. We had an old-fashioned party - in the park with cake. It was really fun. Everyone came, some kids from the park joined in, Brad led some running games, Theo and Ruth watched as kids disappeared into the jungle gyms, Pat was good with everyone and provided the much-waited-for kitty cake. Bennett was pretty good with not being too greedy with the presents - it was very hard for her to wait. All 11 balloons ended up in the sky - one at a time, off sad girls' wrists, blown by the wind into the trees. Not even one came home with us. B was a little sad about that.
After the party BFF Avy and Sandy, Brad and Emma came over so B&A could take a dip in the kitty pool. It was a relief to just sit, put some water on my bald head, drink some seltzer and relish the success of the party with such good people.
We are all wiped out, the house is a disaster, we have a ton of things to unpack, but don't have the energy. And I don't mean I don't have the energy because I have had chemo, but I am feeling like a normal person who is tired in a normal way. Pat is tired, she doesn't get chemo. Bennett is totally wiped out, she doesn't get chemo. And thank God for both of those things.
Tomorrow we will clean up, perhaps our four year old will help. Perhaps not. But it will all get done when it needs to. Tomorrow is Pat first day as a free agent. I am so happy she is home with us. So happy to be here with my family and all the ones we love.
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Cancer be Gone
I am sitting on the couch and Bennett is shouting for Daddy - I am not sure who she thinks is coming. It's a pretty weird thing to hear, she knows that she has a donor and no father, but I think the concept of a Daddy is different. All the dads in the shows she watches are sort of safety cuddle good guys. Maybe that's what she wants. Pat is going in to help. She's a pretty good guy. Update: Pat came out to tell me that B told her that mom-o is Dad and that she will always be Mama. Look everyone, I am a Dad.
Tomorrow is Bennett's birthday party. Pray for sun, thank you very much.
I live a really good life. Cancer and all. Today I was reminded not to give someone (myself) who has colon cancer beets. Scared the crap out of me when I pooped. No pun intended. Dr. B. is always asking me if there is ever blood in the pot and that makes me worried that that will be the final symptom - or a symptom of something very bad. So beets. not a good idea.
I made a half-gallon of refrigerator pickles out of the garlic scapes i wrote about last night. We had sesame glazed bok choy with dinner. Tomorrow night I am going to make kohlrobi with seeds. I love the farm, really makes me have to think of ways to use veggies I would not normally buy. Maybe I should turn this into a food blog while I am feeling so well.
I do have chemo next week. That sort of sucks. I am still watching Grey's Anatomy. I started on season 1 and am working my way through the entire series. It's very addicting. Right now one of the main characters (Izzy) has stage four melanoma. I have to say it's fake fake fake. She still has eyebrows and lashes, she gets all her chemo in the hospital and stays over night. The staff is incredibly attentive and her heart fails pretty regularly. All fake. In reality, it's just schlepping to the cancer center, where people are nice but are not over friendly, and never mind they just don't have the time to sit and shoot the shit with me- they are so busy with the 50 other chairs filled with cancer filled people. It's really my fault to think that anything on TV, let alone a hospital show, is depicted as it happens in real life. Maybe that's why I like it - someone with stage four cancer is cured of all her tumors just like that. Cancer be gone, I say, cancer be gone.
Tomorrow is Bennett's birthday party. Pray for sun, thank you very much.
I live a really good life. Cancer and all. Today I was reminded not to give someone (myself) who has colon cancer beets. Scared the crap out of me when I pooped. No pun intended. Dr. B. is always asking me if there is ever blood in the pot and that makes me worried that that will be the final symptom - or a symptom of something very bad. So beets. not a good idea.
I made a half-gallon of refrigerator pickles out of the garlic scapes i wrote about last night. We had sesame glazed bok choy with dinner. Tomorrow night I am going to make kohlrobi with seeds. I love the farm, really makes me have to think of ways to use veggies I would not normally buy. Maybe I should turn this into a food blog while I am feeling so well.
I do have chemo next week. That sort of sucks. I am still watching Grey's Anatomy. I started on season 1 and am working my way through the entire series. It's very addicting. Right now one of the main characters (Izzy) has stage four melanoma. I have to say it's fake fake fake. She still has eyebrows and lashes, she gets all her chemo in the hospital and stays over night. The staff is incredibly attentive and her heart fails pretty regularly. All fake. In reality, it's just schlepping to the cancer center, where people are nice but are not over friendly, and never mind they just don't have the time to sit and shoot the shit with me- they are so busy with the 50 other chairs filled with cancer filled people. It's really my fault to think that anything on TV, let alone a hospital show, is depicted as it happens in real life. Maybe that's why I like it - someone with stage four cancer is cured of all her tumors just like that. Cancer be gone, I say, cancer be gone.
Friday, June 24, 2011
Rain Rain Go Away
Oy, it's been days of cool rainy weather and enough already. I don't want it to be steamy, I just want to see the sun. Is that too much to ask? I am also thinking about Bennett's outdoor Bday party on Sunday. Will the ground be too soggy? I hope not.
Today was B's recital. I don't have any pictures becuase A. we are terrible parents B. she covered her face with Barbie the entire time. She was the only one allowed to bring a doll, the thinking was it might help her get up the nerve to perform. And it sort of worked. She got up on stage and did some singing and dancing, all the while hidden by that damn doll. I am sure next year it will be different, she will be older.
I had a pretty good day today. After the performance, B&I hung out at the house and played until it was time to go to the farm. We went to the farm and got an enormous amount of veggies and some milk. The milk there tastes so much better than the stuff from the store, it's like a whole new food. We decided that it the milk we will have for B all summer. If she can get any - Pat and I love it so much. I made beets in ginger butter and fennel with garlic and parsley. Next I have to find something to do with the garlic scapes that I never wanted but took because of the frenzy around them. I just couldn't resist and now I have to do something. Last year at this time I was pickling and canning them. I just don't have the energy for that this year. I suppose I could, but the thought makes me want to put my head down. That is never a good sign. I will keep you posted on what I do with them. Maybe I will just make a refridgerator pickle and saute some up with some zuch. Sounds good.
So, that pretty much what is on my mind. Pretty good for a person with cancer. I've also been thinking about my mom a lot. And Pat, on her last day of work. And when will Bennett be fully potty trained? It's taking forever. What else? I started a new hat out of some cotton yarn I bought yesterday. I am about to have some ice cream and head to bed. That seems like enough for now. Love to you all.
Today was B's recital. I don't have any pictures becuase A. we are terrible parents B. she covered her face with Barbie the entire time. She was the only one allowed to bring a doll, the thinking was it might help her get up the nerve to perform. And it sort of worked. She got up on stage and did some singing and dancing, all the while hidden by that damn doll. I am sure next year it will be different, she will be older.
I had a pretty good day today. After the performance, B&I hung out at the house and played until it was time to go to the farm. We went to the farm and got an enormous amount of veggies and some milk. The milk there tastes so much better than the stuff from the store, it's like a whole new food. We decided that it the milk we will have for B all summer. If she can get any - Pat and I love it so much. I made beets in ginger butter and fennel with garlic and parsley. Next I have to find something to do with the garlic scapes that I never wanted but took because of the frenzy around them. I just couldn't resist and now I have to do something. Last year at this time I was pickling and canning them. I just don't have the energy for that this year. I suppose I could, but the thought makes me want to put my head down. That is never a good sign. I will keep you posted on what I do with them. Maybe I will just make a refridgerator pickle and saute some up with some zuch. Sounds good.
So, that pretty much what is on my mind. Pretty good for a person with cancer. I've also been thinking about my mom a lot. And Pat, on her last day of work. And when will Bennett be fully potty trained? It's taking forever. What else? I started a new hat out of some cotton yarn I bought yesterday. I am about to have some ice cream and head to bed. That seems like enough for now. Love to you all.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
The Big 4
What can that mean? Today was Bennett's fourth birthday and her four local aunties came to have cake and presents. It was a blast. And I mean blast. It was so much activity that about 3/4 of the way through the night, she needed to go in her bedroom and have some time to herself to recharge. She got a lot of good booty, Barbies and outfits, stickers, bit alphabet beads. It was great.
The make your own cupcakes were a success at school and that was the end of school. I asked the teacher how B did, Miss Kim said she is a bright math and science oriented kid who loves books and performing more and more. That's our girl.
I am okay today. I am gassy and happy and sad and all kinds of things at the same time. I am happy to be alive and to remember four years ago about 7pm Bennett came into the world and changed me forever. Made my hear bigger, made me question myself in the world, makes me want to live and live and live to see her and all her ways - even her 13 year old self. I am sad because, well because I am not sure that I get to see her in all her glory at 8 or 13 or 20. If I let myself see the big picture I remember that none of us really know whether or not we will see another day, but today that big picture trick is not working that well. I don't know why. It could be that I am coming upon the one year anniversary of my diagnosis and my original prognosis was two years. I never posted that before because I didn't want to freak anyone out and I truly don't believe it. And you better not either. I feel fine, all is going well with treatment, I have a slow growing kind of cancer and right now it's being blasted by big chemo.
And this is a a really good thing. So I am going to bed, Bennett has a recital in the morning and I don't want to miss a minute. Good night, my friends.
The make your own cupcakes were a success at school and that was the end of school. I asked the teacher how B did, Miss Kim said she is a bright math and science oriented kid who loves books and performing more and more. That's our girl.
I am okay today. I am gassy and happy and sad and all kinds of things at the same time. I am happy to be alive and to remember four years ago about 7pm Bennett came into the world and changed me forever. Made my hear bigger, made me question myself in the world, makes me want to live and live and live to see her and all her ways - even her 13 year old self. I am sad because, well because I am not sure that I get to see her in all her glory at 8 or 13 or 20. If I let myself see the big picture I remember that none of us really know whether or not we will see another day, but today that big picture trick is not working that well. I don't know why. It could be that I am coming upon the one year anniversary of my diagnosis and my original prognosis was two years. I never posted that before because I didn't want to freak anyone out and I truly don't believe it. And you better not either. I feel fine, all is going well with treatment, I have a slow growing kind of cancer and right now it's being blasted by big chemo.
And this is a a really good thing. So I am going to bed, Bennett has a recital in the morning and I don't want to miss a minute. Good night, my friends.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Grumpy Gus
That's what my Dad used to call us when we were crabby, and I am definitely crabby. I am not sure why. I had a pretty big day, and all day I had this nagging feeling. I was lonely, I think, because I was with lots of people for a long time, then I was not. I thought this would be a relief, but mostly I like having people around me.
So I spent the day calling pretty much everyone I could think of who might be available during the day. I had some good talks, and got plenty done and now am very tired. I think the tiredness also contributes to my crabbiness.
Bennett turns four tomorrow. I know I posted the same thing yesterday. I was wrong. Her birthday is tomorrow. I made cupcakes and asked Miss Kim, B's teacher, if I could bring in thing for decorate your own cupcake and she thought that was a fine idea. I hope the kids like it and don't get too hopped up on sugar to nap. I am worried about Bennett. I think she is chronically overtired. Or in simpler, less alarming terms, I would like her to get more sleep. I can't think of how to get that to work as she is a very stubborn girl and will not go to sleep until she deems it time. Don't get me wrong, we have a regular bedtime with a established routine, but it seems to be slipping a bit with the summer light and weather. Anyway, that is a long way for me to say that I want her to go to bed earlier.
Okay, totally did not write about what I thought I was going to write about. I thought I would write about how the four years have flown by, that I hope that I get the next four. But really the idea of getting the next four seems like a total rip off, as I really want the next 40.
There doesn't seem to be much else to say. I am sure I will be less cranky after a good night's sleep and some time listening to Bennett talking to the ever-calm Pat over the monitor. Those are the sounds that sooth my heart.
So I spent the day calling pretty much everyone I could think of who might be available during the day. I had some good talks, and got plenty done and now am very tired. I think the tiredness also contributes to my crabbiness.
Bennett turns four tomorrow. I know I posted the same thing yesterday. I was wrong. Her birthday is tomorrow. I made cupcakes and asked Miss Kim, B's teacher, if I could bring in thing for decorate your own cupcake and she thought that was a fine idea. I hope the kids like it and don't get too hopped up on sugar to nap. I am worried about Bennett. I think she is chronically overtired. Or in simpler, less alarming terms, I would like her to get more sleep. I can't think of how to get that to work as she is a very stubborn girl and will not go to sleep until she deems it time. Don't get me wrong, we have a regular bedtime with a established routine, but it seems to be slipping a bit with the summer light and weather. Anyway, that is a long way for me to say that I want her to go to bed earlier.
Okay, totally did not write about what I thought I was going to write about. I thought I would write about how the four years have flown by, that I hope that I get the next four. But really the idea of getting the next four seems like a total rip off, as I really want the next 40.
There doesn't seem to be much else to say. I am sure I will be less cranky after a good night's sleep and some time listening to Bennett talking to the ever-calm Pat over the monitor. Those are the sounds that sooth my heart.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
I am Back
Sorry I neglected you, but I am back now. I was busy. I had a blast with my brother, sister-in-law and niece. We did all kinds of things, Sturbridge Village, Vietnamese Food, sitting in the sun shooting the breeze. A lot. It was good. The weather agreed with us and they were all great and more than accommodating with Bennett. Of course she loved it- all that attention, all those great relatives.
Bill and Trish gave me and Pat a night off and we went out for sushi and talked and talked. It was a bright moment. Such a good gift for us, we really needed it.
After everyone left this morning, I had some time to myself which I misused by doing laundry and trying to get the house in order. I didn't do that great a job because Pat and I just spent another hour getting the house ready for the cleaning lady.
I am vexed by mini hotflashes. They are terrible. They soak my bald head - with no respect for where I am or who I am with.
We are getting ready for B's birthday, which is tomorrow. Her party is in the Sargeant St. park this Sunday if you want to come for some cake and games. It should be a blast.
Tomorrow more life, thank God.
Bill and Trish gave me and Pat a night off and we went out for sushi and talked and talked. It was a bright moment. Such a good gift for us, we really needed it.
After everyone left this morning, I had some time to myself which I misused by doing laundry and trying to get the house in order. I didn't do that great a job because Pat and I just spent another hour getting the house ready for the cleaning lady.
I am vexed by mini hotflashes. They are terrible. They soak my bald head - with no respect for where I am or who I am with.
We are getting ready for B's birthday, which is tomorrow. Her party is in the Sargeant St. park this Sunday if you want to come for some cake and games. It should be a blast.
Tomorrow more life, thank God.
Friday, June 17, 2011
A Lot of Rest for the Weary
I slept until 9 or so and hung out with my brother, sis-in-law, and niece. They went sight seeing and I went back to bed, until 1 pm. I needed it, I think, because I am still tired enough to go to bed at my normal 9 or 9:30.
Bennett spent the day with Aunties Liz and Julie. I don't yet know what they did, but I bet it was fun. And it was Aunt Julie's birthday two days ago and I didn't know. So a big Happy Bday to her - and many many more!
I don't have much to write. I am good. I am tired, I am alive. All things good. The only things is I appear to be inarticulate tonight. Better tomorrow.
Bennett spent the day with Aunties Liz and Julie. I don't yet know what they did, but I bet it was fun. And it was Aunt Julie's birthday two days ago and I didn't know. So a big Happy Bday to her - and many many more!
I don't have much to write. I am good. I am tired, I am alive. All things good. The only things is I appear to be inarticulate tonight. Better tomorrow.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
A Little Rest for the Weary
What a day! I am feeling the chemo even more than I thought I would. I am so tired, to my very bones. Pat came home early from her class to pick up the pieces of me and take care of B. I had a chance to nap this evening and am looking forward to going back to bed.
I went to Worcester today to drop off the pump and somehow found the whole process to be completely depressing. The sunny day only made my mood worse - it just didn't match. It made me feel ungrateful and stupid for wallowing in my worries. When I get right down to it, I am fine. Well, except the cancer bit, but I am fine otherwise. I am tired, and that is to expected and won't last forever. Though sometimes it feels like it might.
My brother, Bill, and some of his family are arriving late tonight. So this weekend will be filled with Aunt Trish, Cousin Bianna and Uncle Bill. I will need to rest, and take it easy, but it will be fun to see them. It's been years- too many years, really. This will mean that I have seen all of my siblings in the past year. That is pretty amazing. And a gift. Too bad I can't really feel the meaning of it all - being stuck in the chemo hole for now.
I went to Worcester today to drop off the pump and somehow found the whole process to be completely depressing. The sunny day only made my mood worse - it just didn't match. It made me feel ungrateful and stupid for wallowing in my worries. When I get right down to it, I am fine. Well, except the cancer bit, but I am fine otherwise. I am tired, and that is to expected and won't last forever. Though sometimes it feels like it might.
My brother, Bill, and some of his family are arriving late tonight. So this weekend will be filled with Aunt Trish, Cousin Bianna and Uncle Bill. I will need to rest, and take it easy, but it will be fun to see them. It's been years- too many years, really. This will mean that I have seen all of my siblings in the past year. That is pretty amazing. And a gift. Too bad I can't really feel the meaning of it all - being stuck in the chemo hole for now.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
All is Well
I am going to write a super quick post to say the chemo went fine. Ruth and I had a good time catching up and I was pretty wiped out last night. I didn't have the energy to do anything but lie around and moan. It was pretty irritating for everyone.
Today I did too much and need to go to sleep. The weird thing is I can never get that good a night's sleep the day of chemo - I know it's the steroids, but I hate it. I am hoping for better tonight.
Today Bennett must have heard the phase "no more Mr. Nice Guy" because she kept running up to me and saying Mom-o, no more Mr. Night Sky. I like her version better.
Today I did too much and need to go to sleep. The weird thing is I can never get that good a night's sleep the day of chemo - I know it's the steroids, but I hate it. I am hoping for better tonight.
Today Bennett must have heard the phase "no more Mr. Nice Guy" because she kept running up to me and saying Mom-o, no more Mr. Night Sky. I like her version better.
Monday, June 13, 2011
Chemo a domani
That's Italian, I was tired of just saying chemo tomorrow. I will be using different languages now to describe chemo tomorrow.
Yep, chemo tomorrow and I am as ready as I can be. So that's that.
It's late and I am tired. I had a nice day hanging out with Bennett. We spent the morning puttering around and the afternoon at the farm. It was story hour day and that part was kind of boring, but we picked strawberries and peas and she ran around and got filthy. It was good. We hung out with BFF Avy and Sandy and it was great to just be there on a this beautiful day.
Pat is taking a class at Snow Farm. She is so excited. I am so happy to see her so excited, and I also feel bad that I have chemo and that is going to make it so that Pat can't stay for the whole class every day. I am going to try really hard to make it so she can attend as much as possible. It's a perfect bridge between the end of her job and being at home - leaving with the excitement of making art.
I almost forgot, the plumbers came today and we now officially have a second bathroom. No lights yet, but running water and a toilet that flushes. Very exciting. Of course the new bathroom makes the old bathroom look really shabby. Even Pat thinks so.
So, take a moment and say a prayer that chemo goes okay - a nice thought, a good vibe, whatever, I will take it.
Yep, chemo tomorrow and I am as ready as I can be. So that's that.
It's late and I am tired. I had a nice day hanging out with Bennett. We spent the morning puttering around and the afternoon at the farm. It was story hour day and that part was kind of boring, but we picked strawberries and peas and she ran around and got filthy. It was good. We hung out with BFF Avy and Sandy and it was great to just be there on a this beautiful day.
Pat is taking a class at Snow Farm. She is so excited. I am so happy to see her so excited, and I also feel bad that I have chemo and that is going to make it so that Pat can't stay for the whole class every day. I am going to try really hard to make it so she can attend as much as possible. It's a perfect bridge between the end of her job and being at home - leaving with the excitement of making art.
I almost forgot, the plumbers came today and we now officially have a second bathroom. No lights yet, but running water and a toilet that flushes. Very exciting. Of course the new bathroom makes the old bathroom look really shabby. Even Pat thinks so.
So, take a moment and say a prayer that chemo goes okay - a nice thought, a good vibe, whatever, I will take it.
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Not Much to Report
Very easy day. A trip to the store, an afternoon engrossed by Grey's Anatomy. I skipped the one with the young woman with stage four colon cancer in for liver surgery. As soon as I heard that I hit the skip button and that's what I needed to do.
I am waiting for Pat and Bennett to come home. I am making braised radishes and white beans with chard and bacon for dinner. I am trying to do as much as I can before the stupid chemo kicks in again. I am torn by the chemo, as you know. Happy to be under treatment again, not happy to have my butt kicked. And my acupuncturist is off for the week.
And no one is commenting on my blog. No pressure, guys, but no comments makes me feel a little like I am talking to no one. You all might be wondering - where's Jim? I know, where is our Jim? New job, no time. Boo for me.
Not much else to say. I am just here, thanks to God and chemo. More tomorrow.
I am waiting for Pat and Bennett to come home. I am making braised radishes and white beans with chard and bacon for dinner. I am trying to do as much as I can before the stupid chemo kicks in again. I am torn by the chemo, as you know. Happy to be under treatment again, not happy to have my butt kicked. And my acupuncturist is off for the week.
And no one is commenting on my blog. No pressure, guys, but no comments makes me feel a little like I am talking to no one. You all might be wondering - where's Jim? I know, where is our Jim? New job, no time. Boo for me.
Not much else to say. I am just here, thanks to God and chemo. More tomorrow.
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Untitled
When I grad school we used to argue all the time and about whether something called Untitled was indeed untitled. I think it isn't. I think I used to have a lot of time and not much to worry about. I remember that time as one of the most fun of my life, and it was a bright time, full of adventure. Bob and I would walk for miles getting to know the city and never run out of conversation. It was wonderful. I miss it. I miss the time when I thought I would live forever, that the day would never end.
Oh well, it's okay to not live forever. My mother says that past 80 things start to go in ways that are not pleasant. I take her word as gospel, and would be grateful to live to 80. The idea is so luxurious, so incredible that I can't even really take it in. Which is probably for the good, since 80 for me is unlikely. That's okay, I'll take what I can get.
The trim is all in. I caulked and puttied, but failed about 1/4 of the way into painting. I just pooped out. Thank goodness for Pat, she jumped right in and took over and it looks great. I went to Home Depot to get a new sink, and I really like it. It was fun to pick out something so beautiful and know that it will be in our house. I also got some primer for the rotten pink room and plan on roping my brother into helping me paint while he visits in a couple of weeks.
That's about it today. I am glad I had this day, some things were great, some days I do things I am not particularly proud of, but I am still grateful.
Oh well, it's okay to not live forever. My mother says that past 80 things start to go in ways that are not pleasant. I take her word as gospel, and would be grateful to live to 80. The idea is so luxurious, so incredible that I can't even really take it in. Which is probably for the good, since 80 for me is unlikely. That's okay, I'll take what I can get.
The trim is all in. I caulked and puttied, but failed about 1/4 of the way into painting. I just pooped out. Thank goodness for Pat, she jumped right in and took over and it looks great. I went to Home Depot to get a new sink, and I really like it. It was fun to pick out something so beautiful and know that it will be in our house. I also got some primer for the rotten pink room and plan on roping my brother into helping me paint while he visits in a couple of weeks.
That's about it today. I am glad I had this day, some things were great, some days I do things I am not particularly proud of, but I am still grateful.
Friday, June 10, 2011
Post 273
Every time I look at how many posts I have posted, I am amazed at the number. 273 seems like a lot, but it also feels like it all went by in an instant.
I had a really good day. I never tire of writing that. I am so lucky to have so many good days. I know some people who are on the same chemo I am and they are really really struggling. Okay, I know that I am on a sort of chemo break right now so I am feeling extra good, but still... I have chemo again next week and am trying hard not to think about it. Nancy says that if I think about the chemo day over and over, it is like I am having that day over and over instead of just once. So I remind myself not to fear it, not to think about it over and over and just let it be whatever it's going to be. Ruth is coming with me, and I haven't seen her for about three weeks. We will have plenty of time to catch up - she is an excellent chemo partner.
B and I went to the CSA farm we belong to today. It was lovely, hot and full of fun. We met Sandy and Avy, had ice cream sandwiches, played on the new play structure and got our veggies. Because B decided to roll around in the sandbox and then jump on me, we both needed showers when we got home. I got to then cook up a nice meals with good veg. I just love that farm. I love to watch B and A run around in the safety of the farm space, to go exploring and be exposed to all the goodness there - and I like it too. B fell asleep half way through One Fish Two Fish. I needed her to fall asleep early tonight. I had a rough night sleeping last night.
I will tell you why. I didn't take my Atavan because I am running out and our health insurance got screwed up this month and we don't have any. My chemo will be payed for by a program called Health Safety Net, but I don't know if drugs are covered, so I stupidly tried to cut down on my meds. Pat reminded me that we can pay for some Atavan. Duh. I really should have thought of that myself. We will have insurance again in July, thank God. I actually sobbed on the phone with the insurance people when I found out, it was so distressing. I asked the guy who was helping me if he would want his mother treated the way I was being treated. He got really mad and defensive and said that wasn't a fair question. I told him I just wanted to remind him that I was someone's mother too and that leaving me with a gap in health insurance while being in treatment for cancer seemed inhumane. I hope my words help him try to change things, tho I think that is a very high expectation as he is just the guy who answers the phone.
So tonight I will take my Atavan, curl up with Pat and have a good sleep. I wish you all a good night too.
I had a really good day. I never tire of writing that. I am so lucky to have so many good days. I know some people who are on the same chemo I am and they are really really struggling. Okay, I know that I am on a sort of chemo break right now so I am feeling extra good, but still... I have chemo again next week and am trying hard not to think about it. Nancy says that if I think about the chemo day over and over, it is like I am having that day over and over instead of just once. So I remind myself not to fear it, not to think about it over and over and just let it be whatever it's going to be. Ruth is coming with me, and I haven't seen her for about three weeks. We will have plenty of time to catch up - she is an excellent chemo partner.
B and I went to the CSA farm we belong to today. It was lovely, hot and full of fun. We met Sandy and Avy, had ice cream sandwiches, played on the new play structure and got our veggies. Because B decided to roll around in the sandbox and then jump on me, we both needed showers when we got home. I got to then cook up a nice meals with good veg. I just love that farm. I love to watch B and A run around in the safety of the farm space, to go exploring and be exposed to all the goodness there - and I like it too. B fell asleep half way through One Fish Two Fish. I needed her to fall asleep early tonight. I had a rough night sleeping last night.
I will tell you why. I didn't take my Atavan because I am running out and our health insurance got screwed up this month and we don't have any. My chemo will be payed for by a program called Health Safety Net, but I don't know if drugs are covered, so I stupidly tried to cut down on my meds. Pat reminded me that we can pay for some Atavan. Duh. I really should have thought of that myself. We will have insurance again in July, thank God. I actually sobbed on the phone with the insurance people when I found out, it was so distressing. I asked the guy who was helping me if he would want his mother treated the way I was being treated. He got really mad and defensive and said that wasn't a fair question. I told him I just wanted to remind him that I was someone's mother too and that leaving me with a gap in health insurance while being in treatment for cancer seemed inhumane. I hope my words help him try to change things, tho I think that is a very high expectation as he is just the guy who answers the phone.
So tonight I will take my Atavan, curl up with Pat and have a good sleep. I wish you all a good night too.
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Argh
Avastin (the super tumor-shrinking drug that I am on, along with several dozen others...) has been disapproved for use for breast cancer. I knew this. I got a comment from someone I don't know, and s/he mentioned this. It totally freaked me out. I thought it meant that the drug was totally disapproved. I think I now know how those women who have breast cancer and now don't get their drug might feel. Totally freaked out. Take a look at the comment and follow the link to sign the petition, if you don't mind.
I am good today. I worked from 9:30 or so to 1:30 or so on the trim in the new bathroom. I am super pooped and I didn't finish. The first couple of joins are not perfect (understatement), but I got better as the morning progressed. Pat will finish and I will do the finishing, and it all needs to be done by Wednesday when the plumbers come. Yikes. But we will get it done.
Then I went to see the Magic Marianne to get reflexology. I totally needed that.
I have been thinking again. I heard some chucklehead on NPR talking about the new treatments for cancer. That is not what made him a chucklehead, it was the fact that he said that 95% of cancer is self-inflicted. This is what he said. Too much sun, melanoma; smoking, lung cancer; too many hamburgers, colon cancer. I am pretty sure that those of us with cancer do not need to be made to feel worse by some asshole saying it's our own fault. The next story I heard was about combat and how it can be addicting. Never thought of that, but the soldier I remember best said the he never felt more alive than when in combat. I can relate to that. I have never felt more alive than the past 10 months.
I think I will have a one year on chemo party. Want to come?
I am good today. I worked from 9:30 or so to 1:30 or so on the trim in the new bathroom. I am super pooped and I didn't finish. The first couple of joins are not perfect (understatement), but I got better as the morning progressed. Pat will finish and I will do the finishing, and it all needs to be done by Wednesday when the plumbers come. Yikes. But we will get it done.
Then I went to see the Magic Marianne to get reflexology. I totally needed that.
I have been thinking again. I heard some chucklehead on NPR talking about the new treatments for cancer. That is not what made him a chucklehead, it was the fact that he said that 95% of cancer is self-inflicted. This is what he said. Too much sun, melanoma; smoking, lung cancer; too many hamburgers, colon cancer. I am pretty sure that those of us with cancer do not need to be made to feel worse by some asshole saying it's our own fault. The next story I heard was about combat and how it can be addicting. Never thought of that, but the soldier I remember best said the he never felt more alive than when in combat. I can relate to that. I have never felt more alive than the past 10 months.
I think I will have a one year on chemo party. Want to come?
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Posting with Hot Fudge
Yes, to those of you who live near me you might be thinking, ugh, hot fudge - it's 100 degrees out there. That's true, but it's delicious and what I want. I am all about what I want these days. As you might have read in yesterday's post.
I don't have much to report - it's been a sweaty day. I went to Springfield to drop B off at school and I saw a lot of storm damage. It was really humbling. We were very lucky that the storm didn't hit us, it was only a few miles away tho, and that reminds me of how lucky we are.
What did I do today? I went to Trader Joe's and got gas, painted all the trim for the new bathroom. I will install it on Thursday. I seem to have a full schedule tomorrow, thought I didn't mean for it to happen. I will tell you about it tomorrow.
I had a couple of great conversations with my sister Mary today, I talked to my mom too. All good. When B and I got back from school, we filled the little pool, B went skinny dipping and I got to put my feet in. It was fab, only fabber when Pat got home and brought us a apple and cheese snack. It was a perfect summer evening.
I don't have much to report - it's been a sweaty day. I went to Springfield to drop B off at school and I saw a lot of storm damage. It was really humbling. We were very lucky that the storm didn't hit us, it was only a few miles away tho, and that reminds me of how lucky we are.
What did I do today? I went to Trader Joe's and got gas, painted all the trim for the new bathroom. I will install it on Thursday. I seem to have a full schedule tomorrow, thought I didn't mean for it to happen. I will tell you about it tomorrow.
I had a couple of great conversations with my sister Mary today, I talked to my mom too. All good. When B and I got back from school, we filled the little pool, B went skinny dipping and I got to put my feet in. It was fab, only fabber when Pat got home and brought us a apple and cheese snack. It was a perfect summer evening.
Monday, June 6, 2011
Happy to be Home
It's nice to be home. It's nice to see my stuff, notice what happened to my garden, get to the farm and sit on my own pot. Don't get me wrong, we had a great time. A really great time. The castles, the beach, the wonderful English people. My sister and her family are awesome and it was a trip of a life time.
Today B&P woke up at some ungodly hour, I got to sleep in. And the day was gorgeous. We all went to Home Depot to get trim for the second bathroom, which we hope will done by my brother's visit. I just emailed the plumbers to get them here next week. Cross your fingers.
Flying in a plane gave me a lot of time to think about the idea of time passing. I think that listening to my sister's enthusiasm for our family tress also triggered something. I have this idea that is not all that original, but is sort of an epiphany for me. Time passes and that's all that happens. Someone is born, a bunch of things happen, they die. If they are lucky, someone will take the time to remember who they are after they are gone. The plane ride starts, you get a bunch of weird food that no one really likes but everyone eats, the plane lands. Everything is different. I got cancer, I don't have any idea how long I will live, and that is what happened. Everything is different. But I still get the moments of playing cross word puzzles with my nephew, watching my niece and her friends run down sand dunes and my almost four-year old daughter follow and chance them - and run down the dune too. All the moments that make up a life, there is no way to stop time to make my life last longer. But why would I, I mean, I love to see and be in all the life around me.
Today B&P woke up at some ungodly hour, I got to sleep in. And the day was gorgeous. We all went to Home Depot to get trim for the second bathroom, which we hope will done by my brother's visit. I just emailed the plumbers to get them here next week. Cross your fingers.
Flying in a plane gave me a lot of time to think about the idea of time passing. I think that listening to my sister's enthusiasm for our family tress also triggered something. I have this idea that is not all that original, but is sort of an epiphany for me. Time passes and that's all that happens. Someone is born, a bunch of things happen, they die. If they are lucky, someone will take the time to remember who they are after they are gone. The plane ride starts, you get a bunch of weird food that no one really likes but everyone eats, the plane lands. Everything is different. I got cancer, I don't have any idea how long I will live, and that is what happened. Everything is different. But I still get the moments of playing cross word puzzles with my nephew, watching my niece and her friends run down sand dunes and my almost four-year old daughter follow and chance them - and run down the dune too. All the moments that make up a life, there is no way to stop time to make my life last longer. But why would I, I mean, I love to see and be in all the life around me.
Saturday, June 4, 2011
The Second to Last DAY
Yep, tomorrow we leave our English heaven. We are pretty much packed and ready to go even though our plane doesn't leave until after lunch. We get in at 7:15- it's going to be the longest day that I've experienced in a long time. It will be interesting to see what Bennett thinks.
Bennett is sleeping next to me right now. We had a fun morning going to Hadrian's wall and museum and then to a pub for lunch. We got home, had some leftover trifle for a snack and am now watching football with Alex (and Bennett). Pat is curled up in the living room reading her book. It's so nice to see her so relaxed. We've spent some time talking about what projects we are going to work on next - her job is ending soon and that will give us lots of time to work on the house and maybe even do some artwork. I have a big window I want to do and my church has asked me to make a window for the healing prayer area of our church. I am not sure what to do for that one, but I'll give it a shot.
I hate to leave, but am anxious to get home. I am not anxious to get back to chemo- though i have to say that I am in a way because I want to continue to do well - but I want to see my friends and Zeus and Toes and my stuff. I will truly miss Mary and her family and cooking. I have been spoiled with the most amazing meals - yeasted waffles for brekkie this morning, kefta with pita and salad last night. And, of course, dessert every night. On advice from Libby, I asked for Sticky Toffee pudding one night. My teeth almost fell out it was so sweet, but with double cream it was delicious. I am well on my way to my second goal that I made for myself for this trip - to try all the kinds of cream they have here. Single, double, clotted, soured, and custard which is not a cream but may as well be.
What a great time we've had. I probably won't post tomorrow, unless I am wired from the trip home. I hope we will just get our car out of Logan-hock, have an easy drive home and fall into bed. That sounds like the perfect end to a perfect holiday.
Bennett is sleeping next to me right now. We had a fun morning going to Hadrian's wall and museum and then to a pub for lunch. We got home, had some leftover trifle for a snack and am now watching football with Alex (and Bennett). Pat is curled up in the living room reading her book. It's so nice to see her so relaxed. We've spent some time talking about what projects we are going to work on next - her job is ending soon and that will give us lots of time to work on the house and maybe even do some artwork. I have a big window I want to do and my church has asked me to make a window for the healing prayer area of our church. I am not sure what to do for that one, but I'll give it a shot.
I hate to leave, but am anxious to get home. I am not anxious to get back to chemo- though i have to say that I am in a way because I want to continue to do well - but I want to see my friends and Zeus and Toes and my stuff. I will truly miss Mary and her family and cooking. I have been spoiled with the most amazing meals - yeasted waffles for brekkie this morning, kefta with pita and salad last night. And, of course, dessert every night. On advice from Libby, I asked for Sticky Toffee pudding one night. My teeth almost fell out it was so sweet, but with double cream it was delicious. I am well on my way to my second goal that I made for myself for this trip - to try all the kinds of cream they have here. Single, double, clotted, soured, and custard which is not a cream but may as well be.
What a great time we've had. I probably won't post tomorrow, unless I am wired from the trip home. I hope we will just get our car out of Logan-hock, have an easy drive home and fall into bed. That sounds like the perfect end to a perfect holiday.
Friday, June 3, 2011
A Day at the Beach
I am sitting on Mary's deck overlooking her overgrown and charming garden and the walking bridge that goes over the river Tyne and takes us to the town of Wylam. This only tops of a most wonderful day at the Beach. The weather is gorgeous and we all piled into the car, along with two of Cousin Anna's friends, and drove first to an ice cream shop where they make their own ice cream. I had a flavor called Just Jersey, which tasted like frozen cream - it was delicious. Then onto see (really, drive by) a castle ruin, then to the beach. Bennett ran right into the water with just her suit on. The three teen girls wore full wet suits, Pat also dove right in with just a suit on. It was very brave of her. B also rolled down the dunes, and rolled around in the warm sand naked.
I spent most of the time under the umbrella talking to whoever came to visit me. I did take some walks, and it took some walking to get there in the first place. So Pat told me I was doing a good job today and my goal for my trip was to increase my stamina- I have done so.
Here is a picture of Bennett that really shows how we all feel:
I spent most of the time under the umbrella talking to whoever came to visit me. I did take some walks, and it took some walking to get there in the first place. So Pat told me I was doing a good job today and my goal for my trip was to increase my stamina- I have done so.
Here is a picture of Bennett that really shows how we all feel:
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
The Laziest Day
Today I did virtually nothing. I took a shower, I sat down for awhile, I fell down the stairs, realized I was okay, sat for awhile, watches Star Wars while sitting, went for a short walk to look for P and B who had gone to the big park, and then sat awhile. I just helped finish a birthday cake for the party tonight, but now I am sitting. No one is home except cousin Alex who is studying for his final exams of high school.
Bennett has been suffering from homesickness. She misses the big bed and Zeus. The little boy next door loves b, she is not so sure, but loves that they have three guinea pigs in their backyard. Where mary lives is so beautiful it's almost hard to take in. Lots of green everywhere, a river, bridge, flowers and lots of peace and quiet. I may never come home.
Bennett has been suffering from homesickness. She misses the big bed and Zeus. The little boy next door loves b, she is not so sure, but loves that they have three guinea pigs in their backyard. Where mary lives is so beautiful it's almost hard to take in. Lots of green everywhere, a river, bridge, flowers and lots of peace and quiet. I may never come home.
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