The Big 4

What can that mean? Today was Bennett's fourth birthday and her four local aunties came to have cake and presents. It was a blast. And I mean blast. It was so much activity that about 3/4 of the way through the night, she needed to go in her bedroom and have some time to herself to recharge. She got a lot of good booty, Barbies and outfits, stickers, bit alphabet beads. It was great.

The make your own cupcakes were a success at school and that was the end of school. I asked the teacher how B did, Miss Kim said she is a bright math and science oriented kid who loves books and performing more and more. That's our girl.

I am okay today. I am gassy and happy and sad and all kinds of things at the same time. I am happy to be alive and to remember four years ago about 7pm Bennett came into the world and changed me forever. Made my hear bigger, made me question myself in the world, makes me want to live and live and live to see her and all her ways - even her 13 year old self.  I am sad because, well because I am not sure that I get to see her in all her glory at 8 or 13 or 20. If I let myself see the big picture I remember that none of us really know whether or not we will see another day, but today that big picture trick is not working that well. I don't know why. It could be that I am coming upon the one year anniversary of my diagnosis and my original prognosis was two years. I never posted that before because I didn't want to freak anyone out and I truly don't believe it. And you better not either. I feel fine, all is going well with treatment, I have a slow growing kind of cancer and right now it's being blasted by big chemo.

And this is a a really good thing. So I am going to bed, Bennett has a recital in the morning and I don't want to miss a minute. Good night, my friends.