Now I Want a Hamburger

What to say? I am feeling better than ever. I have a nice plan for tomorrow to work on the the finishing touches on the new bedroom - the closet needs paint and a door knob - you get the picture. Then we are going to work on the old bedroom so that it will be nice for B. The floor is terrible horrible (as B would say) and the paint needs to be freshened up. It's nice to get the rooms ready so we can finally have two real bedrooms. Now I have it in my mind that we need to a guest room. Hah, let's get the bathroom done first.

I don't really have much to report. I had a very nice day. I slept in, hung out, ate nice things, played with Bennett, played with Pat. It was all very good. Tomorrow I will get my hamburg (as they call them out here), because I can. What a wonderful thing.

Bad Good Shit

This is what Pat and I decided chemo is. It is good because it is wreaking massive havoc on the cancer in my body and it is bad because it is doing the same to the rest of my body. I have to say I am feeling much better today - I would say 85% human. 15% what? I don't quite know, maybe shit. My head hurts, my teeth ache (and have for about three months), my arms are tired liked I've had a massive workout but have not. It must be fatigue. And I think I mentioned my eyes hurt. So we take the bad with the good.

And the good with the bad, of course. My pants fit again. Is this good? Yes. Is it bad? Yes. Why is it bad? There goes all that good creamy fatty food that I have been eating to gain weight. Now that I am here, at a reasonable weight, I will go back to eating better. That is good and just about the right timing. I have been getting a little tired of all the treats and almost had a stroke from the delicious platter of sushi we had tonight. That's the kind of good eating I can get behind. Like the salad from last night.

I am so so so lucky that I get to eat. The woman I told you about who has the same diagnosis I do, let's call her M, just told me that she is going to go on a liquid diet. Oh, I feel for her. I remember what it was like to make that decision and how hard it was for almost six months to eat that way. I am having lunch with her on Wednesday and made a care package for her - the full case on Ensure we had left, some potato flakes and the recipe for the Mary's famous life-saving potato soup, and some tomato soup from Trader Joe's. I hope I can help her. I know how hard it is, and I hope she is lucky like me to have it only be temporary.

I know how lucky I am. Seven weeks ago I was in the hospital and now I am picking Bennett up and chasing her around, I am off several medications, I am in my regular pants, I get to eat sushi and other delights, I get to have time with people I love. I am supremely lucky.

Today was the Day

For what? Life. That's it. It was a day that I got to live and squeeze as much as I could out of it. I have to say it wasn't much, but I did my best. I woke up feeling a lot better than yesterday, which was an excellent start. Taught my stellar class and, even though I felt woozy a few times, I had a really good time. The projects the students are making are beautiful and they are really pushing themselves in a way that I didn't expect. It's very gratifying. I am making a very small piece as a demo and, just today, realized that I would have enjoyed making something a little more complicated. So I going to make something with Sally who is teaching lampworking upstairs. A collaboration, yes, that's what's it called.

I have had a headache for days now. I got the okay to take Ibuprofen which helps a little. And since I usually write about what my body is doing (without permission from my brain), my back hurts and my eyes were a little funky and itchy all day. The new drug works by interrupting the formation of new blood vessels, so a little bleeding here and there is to be expected (like my nose, for instance). I am relishing the notion that the blood supply to the tumors in my liver is being cut off. Die you bastards, die!

Pat was her excellent self today and insisted I take the afternoon and relax. I have been sitting in the big cozy chair most of the day since. We also had a salad feast for dinner with the cheese, oil and vinegar from Bob and Jim. Super gourmet and downright delicious. I couldn't eat raw veggies for so long, even the slightly over ripe cucumber from the store tastes like it is fresh from the garden. I can't wait for summer. I can taste the watermelon now.

Bennett gave me a kiss in my hand the other night. She told me to use it when I felt a tear might come out of my eye. Then I am to take my hand and put it to my cheek and make a wish and I will feel all better. She is a master member of my healing team. I might just use that kiss right now, even though I don't feel a tear coming. What will is wish for?

A Day of Rest

The weather was filthy today. Snow on the ground when we woke up, rain most of the day and then snow again. I am sure the huge puddles will be frozen in the morning. It's all okay, really, because I spent the day inside feeling a little hungover- queasy and head-achy. Pat was a star and let me sleep in a bit, then took B to the Y. As soon as they left I was back in bed - for a two hour nap. It was totally necessary. I thought I was done with naps, I guess not.

I have class to teach tomorrow and I am pretty sure that I will feel better. I am willing to give a few days over to feeling crappy because of the chemo, but not every day. My bones are fine this time. I think it's because of the anti histamine. I just need a good night's sleep and little more time to get back into my groove. I have things I want to do, lot of things. My new motto is "now or never." It's pretty motivating.

I Love my FastPass

I am really giving it a workout going back and forth to Worcester - I like not having to wait in line to pay the toll and I really like that that green light says "thank you." It's a nice touch. It will come as no surprise that I went to Worcester today to return the pump- as I told Bennett "it's not my turn anymore, but I am going to have another turn in two weeks." She said two weeks was a long time to wait for my next turn.  I am not even really sure what to say about that. Part of me thinks 'oh from the mouths of babes, and another part of me is happy that getting the pump may not freak her out so much if I can just put it in her terms.

I had a really nice ride out. I talked to Bob for about the first half of my trip, then Mary called. I talked to my mom almost the entire ride home. Only on the Pike where it is nice a straight and I don't have to do any compliacted interchanges. I am weary from the day in the car, and I think the chemo. Pat let me sleep in today - not knowing when she took B to school that I would sleep until 10. It was heaven. I lolled around until 11 then took off, got back to Springfield just in time to get B from school and here I am.

I can feel the bone pain starting in my shoulder again. I am praying that it doesn't go to my ribs again this time. I asked the nurse if the Atropine they gave me (to stop the runny nose thing) on Tuesday could make me speedy - like awake at 3 am trying to find out when I am going to have time to alphabetize my books, how I am going to get people to help me with a tag sale in the spring, I was like some kind of maniac. Thank God I finally fell asleep, but it was one of the reasons I was so sleepy yesterday. I am sure being in such a state is not helping me recover from the onslaught of chemo drugs. Those magical poisons coursing through my bloodstream.

Tomorrow I bring the car in and hope that it doesn't snow too much. They are predicting an inch or two. I can't tell you how I long for Spring. The green hope of life. I know it's just around the corner. Yay.

Not Much to Say

I am pooped from doing too much today and chemo. I am sure I will be more chatty tomorrow after a decent night sleep and returning the pump tomorrow.

Good night, all you good people.

Bionic Chemo Eyes

Another thing that I forgot about chemo is for about two or three hours after chemo my eyes goes back to about 20/20. I can see everything far and near and when I put my glasses on everything looks blurry and fuzzy. It's very odd and sort of cool. I don't question it, I just take my glasses off for those hours and enjoy.

I got the big drugs today. I also got the green light to go to NYC. I described NYC as he germiest city in the US and Dr B just looked at me and said "you haven't been very many places, have you?" Now, you may or may not know, Dr B is either Indian or Pakistani (I am sure I should know, but I don't) so I thought he would say "you should see Bangladesh." But he didn't, he mentioned Detroit and Philly as the dirtiest cities he could think of.  I guess I would not have gotten permission to go to those cities.

He also put the kibosh on any dental work. My dentist wants to give me a bridge for the tooth that broke. He said no - that dental work is not even on the table as a possibility right now unless I am in terrible pain. Okay, I really hope it doesn't get to that point, and I hope that I can get my teeth cleaned at some point (I should have thought of that when I was on break for surgery, damn.) When I said well you just saved me a a couple of thousand dollars, he said "well now you may absolutely NOT get dental work." It was a turning point, Dr. B. made a joke. It was great.

I got the new drug. It all went in in 10 minutes. I don't expect to feel anything different - Avastin is not known for its side effects - just two that Dr. B mentioned. He told me to get to the closest hospital ASAP if I feel severe pain in my abdomen (may be a perforation - only a 2% chance). He also told me the with my "perfect blood pressure"or he might have said stellar - Aunt Ruth, who was with me, would remember the exact words, he is not worried about the Avastin giving me higher blood pressure.

Now I am home and have to meowing pump. I am totally happy to have a trip to NYC on the horizon. Hopefully it will work out. I just look forward to the moment ahead.

What Day is It Anyway?

Is it Sunday? Is it Monday? All day, I can't remember. I took Libby to the bus station this morning. Bennett cried most of the way home - this sad "I want cousin Libby, waaaahhhh" cry. It sort of felt the same way. Our visit was great, Libby is super interesting and fun and I can't believe how lucky I am to have such a great family.

I felt great all weekend. Tired at night - ate a ton and am very interested to see what I weigh tomorrow. I have chemo tomorrow and also an appointment with Dr. B. I am going to ask him about going to NYC and traveling in general. I also have to ask him about bone pain. I am pretty sure, thanks to some research Sandy did, that missing the anti-histamine last round might have given me the bone pain. I guess it's a common preventer of bone pain and the last two times I had Neulasta, I had the anti histamine and no bone pain. Was that confusing? Anyway, I hope Dr. B. doesn't decide that I shouldn't have the Neulasta based on the bone pain. Oy, so many things to worry about.

For so busy a weekend, and not really posting any text for the past three days, I don't have much to report. Pat is at work and I am going to have some toast for dinner. I love toast. I love that I can eat toast. I am having it with this incredible butter and even more incredible honey that Bob and Jim brought two weekends ago. I just have to ask a question I have been asking a lot lately, how lucky am I?

Wish me luck with chemo tomorrow. I will be getting the new super-tumor shrinking Avastin. Here's to a new cocktail!

Need I Say More?

Libby is Here

Yay! Libby is here. More tomorrow.

I had a Sandwich

Yes, I did. I had a turkey and swiss on ciabatta with lettuce, tomato, and onion. It was delicious and delightful and my good companions, Ruth and Theo, were happy to share in the joyous occasion. All those months of potato soup and Ensure saved my life, and I am grateful. But, and this is a big but, I am so so so happy to be able to eat for enjoyment. My spirits are higher, I have more energy, I am more motivated to cook. It's a total win win win. And I am the one doing all the winning.

I had a really nice day today. Another gift. Bennett's favorite pair of socks, hand knit rainbow colors, are getting too small. Well, they were too small about 6 months ago. I went to Webs and got some yarn and a pattern and I will make her a bigger pair. She says she does NOT want a new pair of rainbow socks, but I think when she see them and when she realizes that they will not get sucked into her shoes every two minutes, she might change her mind.

I also got a chance to talk to a woman who has stage-four colon cancer.  The Cancer Connections folks asked me if I would talk with her - she was just diagnosed in January. It was really interesting to talk to her, she has fewer, smaller tumors than I do, but really who is keeping track? She is also 20 years older than I. How did I feel talking to her? Lucky. I remember my first month after diagnosis. I don't remember that much specifically, but I do remember a lot of sweating, late night calls and what the F's? I don't want anyone else to have cancer, ever, but it was good to talk to someone who has the same diagnosis. I am not sure why. I guess that I am not the only one, that's pretty much it. I can't think of another reason. Does there need to be another? Oh, and we grew up in the same town in CA and went to the same high school 20 years apart. Freaky.

After all that I went to acupuncture, which was awesome as usual. Nancy is off next week, boo. I might have to spring for Reiki. Then I had a sandwich. After 'wich it was time to get B and that's pretty much it. I am wiped out and for some reason my jaw hurts- maybe from all that chewing, I don't know. I do know that I am need to get some sleep and get ready for my niece's visit. I can't wait.

A Long Lovely Day

Today was like a vacation day. Pat brought B to school and I picked up the house for Laureen, our stellar cleaning lady. I took off a little early for reflexology and went to get cat food at the pet store that also carries gardening supplies. I breathed in the idea that I might be growing flowers this summer and bought some seeds. Just a few, and some seeds for snap peas because I can never get enough of those. I thought of green growing things just makes me so happy to know that I am going to be alive this summer. How bold am I?

I stopped at the Goodwill because I had 20 minutes and got a sweat shirt for P and a pink polka dotted pillow case for Bennett. I am happy not to be afraid of the Goodwill anymore. Saw Magic MaryAnn for a wonderfully relaxing session and on to home where my job was to relax and rest and make sure that I could make it to Bennett's drumming performance tonight. She totally rocked. She was the perfect blend of attentive and goofy. My heart booms with love for her and I was so proud of her.

A Beast's Valentine

This morning Bennett ran into her classroom like her head was on fire and yelled to anyone who would listen "happy Valamtimes Day" then she opened her bag of valentines and just started to give them out. She wanted so bad for me to find the one in her bag that was for herself. That is when she finally calmed down, with the disappointment that she did not make herself a valentine. Little does she know there is one in the bag for her from me and one from Pat. She will get them tomorrow. They are having a week of valentines at school. But no candy allowed, so as to respect the families that do not allow their kids to eat candy. Those poor kids. You know what's going to happen in college. I don't even have to tell you.

I woke up this morning to a huge chocolate heart (we are very casual about V day in our family) waiting for me. I will eat it tonight. As I cannot rightfully eat one more thing right now- I just about picked a roasted chicken clean for dinner tonight. It has been so long since I've had roasted chicken, it was like food from heaven. We also had a selection of Bob and Jim cheeses, some edamame and biscuits. I still don't have a great grasp on feeling full. I don't know why. Since the surgery I have a hard time telling when I am full and when I need to pee. It's like I just look at the clock and say, hmmm it's been a few hours since I peed, I think I will go. I told the docs and they were very puzzled since they didn't mess with my bladder while they were in there messing with my other organs.

I don't know if I wrote about this but the surgeon actually took my liver out from where it lives to look at the whole thing, count the tumors (10 - some very small) and then put it back. It's sort of interesting to talk to someone who has had the thought, hey this surgery is going so well, and we have a little extra time, let's palpitate her liver and then put it back. I wonder what it is like from his perspective.

That's about all I have for today. I tried to take it easy because of my cold. I am trying to let my body just take care of it. So far so good. I do have antibiotics if I need them and will be happy to take them if I need to. I decided to watch some movies to help me take it easy - warning Sleepless in Seattle is not a really a romantic comedy, it is really about a man with a young son grieving the loss of his wife. Of course she died from cancer. I watched about 20 minutes and had to turn it off and have a good cry. I watched a spy thriller instead. No tears this time, just lots of bullets.

Posting with Boogies and Hearts

I have a cold. Just a plain old cold. It totally sucks and I can't stop the sneezing or blowing my nose. Of course, I can't just have a cold, I have to report in to Dr. B and tell him. He gets all concerned and asks a million questions about the qualities of my boogies. I should be thanking God that I have a doc who is so fastidious, but what I want is to have a cold without fourteen things to watch out for and if they happen I have to either take antibiotics, call Dr. B of take myself to the hospital. That would be breaking my vow that I am not going back to the hospital in 2011 (if I can really really help it).

Anyway, it was a nice day - boogies or no. Happy Valentines day to us. Pat stayed home to help sick old me take care of B, so we made a day of it. We went to the toy store and Goodwill. I love the Goodwill. I have not been in months because I was too afraid of the germs. I mean really afraid to the point of not leaving the house. I got lucky and got B three books and a perfect LL Bean pink dotty shirt. It was just nice to be out on a lovely day with my family, with a hint of spring in the air. I couldn't smell it, but I could tell it was there.

Tomorrow an easy day filled with more healing and gratitude. How lucky am I to have these days of life? So so lucky.

O Frabjous Day!

This is what my mom suggested I title tonight's post. I had to look up and listen to the Lewis Carroll's Jabberwocky to get it. I am not sure, even after listening twice, that I do, but that's okay. I will just believe that I have had a couple of frabjous days in a row. 


Yesterday Bob and Jim arrived and we had a blast just being. Just being together and delighting is our company. It was joyous. We had a feast of Chinese from the Great Wall and we all ate too much - it was great.


This morning Bob and Jim came over and I made pancakes and bacon served with this amazing butter they brought in a mind-boggling goodie basket. We sat and talked until it was time to feast on the fancy cheeses, roasted pastachio oil, and thick as syrup vinegar they brought with pears which happened to be perfect. We had handmade marshmallows and cookies for dessert. It was too too good. More good talking, this time enhanced by the presence of Aunt Ruth and then, B&J had to leave. I felt the way Bennett acted - when they were leaving, she hid in the a bedroom crying and wanted me to promise that when she woke up Bob and Jim would be here. Oh to be three and act exactly the way you feel.


I was super sad to see them go and I have to work on the idea to go see them. I am going to keep a good eye on my white blood cell counts (and talk to Dr. B.) to see if it would be okay to go to the germiest city I can think of. And I think it would be fun to go. I feel like I haven't been anywhere (other than Worcester) in ages. Time to go a direction other than east- unless it's further east than "Woosta".


I am good, I have a weird runny nose, but feel fine. I am dedicated to getting to bed by 8:30 tonight. I am so grateful for these days. So wonderful they are. I can't express how lucky I know I am to be alive, alive this day. And tomorrow, thank God. (Top is Bob, bottom is Jim - Bennett in heaven.)

You Insert TItle Here

I had such a good day today. It's just ending because I am heading to bed. Just a quick overview and a hearty good night.

Taught my awesome class this morning. Everyone had a design, by the time we left everyone was cutting glass and being friendly. Nice energy in that group and the work is going to be beautiful.

Then I met Bob and Jim in Northampton for lunch. I had a burger. It's been so long since I had a burger that I just shut my eyes are tasted. It was delicious. We hung out in town, then came back here for hours of good talk. B&J charmed Bennett to the point that she asked if they could sleep over with her. Very sweet.

Tomorrow it's pancakes and eggs for breakfast and more good talk with B&J...if Bennett will share.

Good night to you all. I hope to have pictures tomorrow. What a blessing this day has been.

Pain Free

Thank God. Last night was a scary nightmare with me moaning and groaning like someone giving birth. It was my ribs and they hurt so bad I couldn't breathe. I have a conundrum with all of the pain meds I have here. Vicodin has Tylenol in it so it is bad for my liver, same with Oxycodone, Dilaudid does not mix with the other drugs I take. So last night I took an extra Atavan thinking that it was relax me, and some Advil. At some point I stopped moaning and woke up around 8 the next morning. I don't remember a thing. My shoulder feels totally fine, my rib has an echo of pain when I sneeze or burp.

I have to say I was pretty scared last night. Pat too. Luckily B was asleep, because it would have been impossible for me to not moan and groan (or I wouldn't have been doing it in the first place) and if the two 45 year olds were scared, imagine what a three year old might think. So it happened, it's over and I have survived yet another scary painful thing. Lucky me.

I spent the day recovering and not doing much. I didn't get out of bed until 11:30, which is unheard of. I was actually asleep. I haven't even been awake long enough to be able to report anything except folding laundry and tidying for two of my most favorite people in the world who are coming tomorrow- Bob and Jim. I can't wait to see them. They are my brothers-in-arms.

My second stained glass class is tomorrow. I am really looking forward to seeing the designs that everyone picked. This is the fun part for me, when all the students are excited but very worried. It's great to watch people turn from shaky to confident. I will keep you posted.

A Whole New Kind of Pain

Since last night I have been really suffering with some big pain in my shoulder, neck and jaw - all on the right side. I went to acupuncture today and Nancy worked really hard. She was able to give me some relief in the muscles, but there was one spot that she called the mystery spot. When Pat got home tonight she said, tada!, maybe it's bone pain from the Neulasta. I believe the mystery has been solved. How to deal with it is another story. And I have to first say that I am really really sorry for people who have chronic pain. I have had this for a day and a half, and I am already about to be in tears from not getting any relief.

I have been using the heating pad my righteous niece Libby suggested her mom send me. It's been good, but it's like I can't think of anything else except I want this to stop.

So I will tell you all what I did today and what is happening in other news. I got B to school, dropped the new (to us) car off at the dealer so they could fix the brakes. They gave us a loaner - a huge station wagon from the 80s. Bennett sobbed for the first five minutes she was in it. She wanted the red car, she wanted the black car, she did not want this air-freshener-smelling behemoth. Finally I got her to hear that it was not our car. She was relieved. Three and a half and she is already aware of so much. Today I got her a pair of super cut shoes at the consignment shop (more on that later), light blue Mary Janes with brown flowers. "Why did you buy me boy shoes?" Damn.

I went to the consignment shop and the woman there knew, I don't know how, that I have cancer. She was very stage hush-hush about it. How are you feeling? What's the treatment? I am sure you are going to beat this thing. Blah blah blah. Can't a person buy some used kid's clothes in peace?

That's pretty much it, I did the bills, picked B up from school, took her to Nick's Nest (a local hot dog stand that has been in Holyoke since the 30s), came home and now want to either cry or take a vicodin. Maybe I'll do both. Let's hope it will disappear overnight- the pain that is.

Taming the Beast

It's amazing how fast my appetite has disappeared. It's also sort of a bummer. I am hoping it is just a temporary thing and the the beast will be revived any day now.

Not a ton happened today. I spent the morning continuing my quest to get the house in order for the cleaning lady. We have a lot of crap and mostly it is everywhere. Trying to reign in all the little critters and dolls and parts for the critters and dolls takes a lot of time. And still I had to stash paper piles in the backroom (we don't have Laureen do that room, it's too much of a pain).

I took off for Worcester at 10:30, after what was a bit of a harrowing moment. I actually sat down hard on the pump and made it scream. It beeped and beeped in such a way that it freaked me out and I just turned it off. Then, of course, I had to call the company to find out how to turn it back on so I could finish the chemo. I'll try never to do that again. I got to Worcester, gave my pump in, got my shot, went to the cafe and ordered what I considered the most caloric sandwich - ham and cheese on a croissant. It was good. Came home, reveled in the clean house, went to get B from school. She wanted to play iPaddy in bed when we got home and there was no argument from me.

I am wasted. My body actually hurts. There is a core inside of me that really is sore- inside my head, neck and heart area. I don't know if it is from holding the pump for two and half days (it's like a medium-sized handbag attached by tubes that one must sleep with, take to the bathroom, you get the idea.). It could just be a drugs. Again, I am hoping this is a temporary thing.

No pithy end remarks. Just a good old good night.

Whoosh There Goes the Cancer

At least that is what I am hoping- with every whoosh of the pump some cells, lets of cells are dying.

Today I went into Webs, the yarn store where I used to work for about a minute right after I got laid off from Smith and before Bennett was born. I really loved that job and the crew I worked with. I don't go there very often because I think the owners are schiesters and I hate to give them my money. Anyway B has been asking for a blue dog hat for an age, so I decided to take her to pick out the yarn. The blue she picked is decidedly pink, but I grabbed a ball of blue too - just in case. So my former manager, who is a great lady, looked at me and said, wow you really look great, you've lost soooo much weight. So I said, I have cancer and that really took the weight off for me. I wasn't trying to be mean or embarrass her, but it's the truth. She blanched and said, that was not the answer I was expecting. And I said, me neither. So, it's like I have to come out in every situation, and every time it just makes it more real.

Not like everything else before this hasn't made it plenty real by now.

So, tomorrow is another day. Thank God and I am going to live it. Well, it's mostly going to be taken up with driving to Worcester in the freezing wind to return the pump and get my shot. Today I would say that I had a good productive day. I put the first coat of paint on the bookshelf (the one that I primed about a minute out of the hospital), tidied the house for the cleaning lady, avoided doing the finances for one more day and just about wore myself out. I took B to the yarn store and made dinner. I am looking forward to a nice early night in our nice cozy warm bed listening to the wind go past the house.

I Forgot a Few Things

Chemo today. It went fine. The birthday girl was with me and all the nurses were nice to me. But there are a few things that I forgot. I forgot that my nose runs the first day, my eyes get a little twitchy and it burns when I pee (also the first day). I am super tired and will make this pretty short.

I am dedicated to the idea of not turning into a scared slug, so I going to get a good night's sleep and take tomorrow as it comes- snow and all.

You guys are the best - thanks for the morale boost and the well wishes. I don't know what I would do without you all.

Chemo Schemo

Yep, chemo tomorrow. The weather looks like it's going to be fine, we are sending B to school and have arranged for late pick up if need be. Pat hopes to be home before B's swimming lesson at 4:30. I am sure we will be. I am a little out of practice, but I bet it's like riding a bike - a bike that makes you feel woosey and keenly aware of your mortality. I am actually looking forward to seeing some of the nurses and being able to tell the volunteers that I can eat the lunch they offer - usually some kind of sandwich. Yum, sandwiches. I have been on a toast bender - with peanut butter and all that homemade jam from last summer.

We spent the day celebrating P's birthday. We took B to Northampton and walked around. Pat got to spend as much time as she wanted in Acme Surplus, we had ice cream and then took photos in the photo booth. B refused to look at the camera, so it will just have to be the time when we got all the profile shots. It was fun to be out and about on such a gorgeous day- it actually felt like spring, if you could ignore the giant piles of snow everywhere.

Pat then took B to the Y to swim and I was supposed to take a nap. I did not. I decided to do a Wednesday NYTimes puzzle on my own. I did it in about 45 minutes and I am pretty proud of myself. By that time it was too late to take a nap, and I watched some dumb TV on the computer. I have to admit that it hasn't been the perfect day. I wept in church. Even Rev. B. commented afterward that maybe I'd like her to come visit sometime this week to talk. That made me cry harder, then I made a pact with God. I would take care of my business, and He was in charge of my future or anything else that could be considered God's business. I felt instantly better and went home to have my day.

So let's all hope and pray that the future (especially tomorrow) is all set up for me and it will be good. I'll let you know.

My First Class

I had my first stained glass class today. It was great. I have five students, three of whom have already taken the class and know what to do. No one brought a design, so we spent the morning talking about designs and practicing cutting glass. Then it really started to snow. They were predicting anywhere from 4-8 inches, so I started to get nervous. I do not like driving in the snow one bit. Pat and I went off the road once and I never really recovered from that. Anyway, we really couldn't do anything else without the designs, so I ended class early. I drove home in the snow and when I got home it was raining. It's been sleeting, raining and hailing off and on all day. Now it's just icy out there.

I was right about one thing, that class really tired me out. Pat took B to a puppet show and I dozed for two hours. It felt great. It felt great to be in a class and just be normal. Not cancer person, not getting some kind of treatment, but there for a part of my mind that I don't use enough anymore. I have got to get back to work. Oh, yeah, I have been recovering. Sometimes I wonder what happened to January.

Bennett has been very interested in looking at my scar lately. It's a very thin red line about 10 inches long with a dots running down either side (from the staples). She doesn't believe that I am recovered from the surgery because the line is still there. It's so hard to explain. I thought the moment I picked her up, she would get some kind of closure of satisfaction, but she is too smart for that. She sometimes pats my hand and looks me in the eye and says "you are still recovering, it's okay mom-o, I got you." It just about breaks my heart with joy and sadness. Sadness because no kid should have to visit their parent in the hospital three times within the past six months. Joy because she is so compassionate and loving. Now I know why people sometimes name their kid Joy. I always thought it was kind of lame, but now I totally get it. Or Sunshine, or Faith, or You Are the Best Thing in the World, Ever. That is Bennett's real name...

Beast Eating

I have been eating like a beast. It's like I've never eaten before. It's sort of great and ridiculous at the same time. Everything tastes to good. I am so grateful for having the resources to be able to eat what I want, when I want. I have been really into fried zucchini. I can't get enough of it. Oh, that and cookies and ice cream. When I was on my last rounds of chemo I could not fathom eating ice cream- but now...

So today I went to Trader Joe's. Our fridge was pretty bare, but our freezer is packed. I thought we could go another week just eating out of the freezer, but it seemed like a good idea to get some fresh food too. I can tell you, my cart was full to the brim. I spent a fortune and ate their version of sushi for lunch in the parking lot after I shopped. It was pretty good - I haven't had sushi in months and months. We are going to have the real thing on Sunday. I will only eat the cooked kind, but I can't wait.

The stained glass class that I am teaching starts tomorrow. It's supposed to snow 4 inches. Hopefully it will be okay, I just do not like driving in the snow. I have five students - three took my class last year. It's going to be fun. Though I have to say that grocery shopping tuckered me out, so I am interested to see what three hours of teaching is going to do to me.

Pat spent the day shoveling the four feet of snow and ice (she says two feet) off of our flat roof. The back room has pretty skimpy rafters and they looked like they were bowing. We also hear an ominous pop two nights ago and thought it would be prudent to get up there. I hung out with B he entire time. We mostly played iPaddy, in the kitchen, under the covers, just about everywhere. Pat is very sore and a good egg- as always.

Not much else to report. Still tired and I am chalking that up to shopping and recovering. They did tell me the full recovery time is eight weeks. So I will be able to use that excuse for another three weeks or so. After that, I'll blame it on chemo.

Thank God for Snow

I mean it. I got another week without chemo and I am feeling good. I got my hair cut.

I look like I might be in a the military, but at least it's not figgely anymore. I don't have any bald spots because it's been about 8 weeks since chemo and my hair is growing back. So, at least for now, I can go without a hat and maybe my massive case of dandruff will subside. I swear it's a side effect from chemo. Pat suspects it's from wearing a hat all the time. I don't know. The lady at the salon was really nice about it and sold me some fancy shampoo and told me she bets when I really get my hair back that it will be curly. Something to look forward to - I've never had curly hair before. Oh, except the ill-advised perm I got in 1980. You will not see any photos of that posted here.

Today I had a very good day. Took B to school, acupuncture, went shopping for P's birthday present. Her birthday is on Monday - just so you know. And then I went to pick B up from school and took her to Barnes and Noble. Needless to say I am about to collapse from exhaustion in the best way. I feel tired from being alive and living. That is such a good thing.

Today I felt for the first time in a long time that I have a future. It was such a good feeling. I started a grocery shopping list. It has been months since I did that. It's really a turning point for me that I feel like I am going to be around long enough to eat a jar of mayo or peanut butter. Before, other than I couldn't eat anything, I also felt like such a lost cause. Again, I am counting on all of you to remind me that I am not, repeat not, a lost cause. On that note, I might just buy some pants that fit. All of my pants are huge on me and I thought it would be a waste of money to buy new pants. What was a I thinking?

More Snow, Flat Butt

I have been sitting on my butt all day. I think my butt is flatter than is was this morning. There is so much snow outside I am worried about the roof caving in. I keep reminding myself, the roof has been standing for about 100 years, a little snow is not going to defeat it.

All non-essential workers were ordered to stay home today. I made me think a lot about essential-ness today. As I get more and more used to the idea that my life will be shorter than I would like, I have been feeling less and less essential. I used to believe that the world would not go on unless I was in it. I suppose in the bigger picture that is true for me, but for the ones left the world continues. And that is so interesting to me. That the beginning of death is birth. I just read that somewhere. It's so hard to fathom, but it's true.

This is all good. It sounds very morose, but it calming to me in a big way. The same way that it calmed me to hear Dr W's explanation of how someone with a failing liver dies. Very peacefully. He said you just get sleepier and sleepier, until the end. He said that he knows much worse ways to go. He also reminded me, quite emphatically, that I am not where near that and that I should take some time to get my kid to Disney. He really said that. We are going to England instead.

That is my post for tonight. I am exhausted from doing nothing but answering Bennett's one million whys today. And I can tell you that it is hard to explain why the queen wants Snow White to eat the apple.

No Chemo- Just Snow

And I mean snow. We got about a foot of snow today - no one was going anywhere, least of all an hour and half away for chemo. So I will go next Monday - the first day they can fit me in. I have mixed feelings about it. Part of me thinks Yay, no chemo for another week. Then there is the part of me that doesn't want the cancer cells to think they are getting away with something and start growing. Mostly I just have to know that this is what is happening and there is not a thing I can do about it.

We are supposed to get another 6-10 inches tomorrow with ice in the mix. Yuck. I have to say we all started to get a little cabin feverish today. There was definitely fighting over the iPad. If we had three, we would use them all. I am sure. Bennett is completely proficient - finding games, puzzles and videos at her leisure. It's pretty amazing. They other day she found a site that had a bunch of free games and we downloaded two - Pat is pretty addicted to Kitty Physics and I am happy to play Bub for hours. I am sure this is just the first time we will benefit from her superior knowledge of technology.

Stay warm out there and be safe. Thanks for all the pre-chemo well wishes, I will take them with me next week. And secretly use them today just for kicks. Don't tell anyone.