Here We Are in California

Here's a picture from the plane. We took it on Sunday. A lot has happened since then, but I don't have any other pictures.

Bennett was great on the plane. She will not believe me that we are in CA not England. I mean if Aunt Mary is here and we went on a plane, it must be England, right? Well, she is having fun none-the-less. There are so many wonderful cousins to hang out with and so her hair and basically worship, that she is having a blast. This very minute she a conked out after a day at the beach. The weather here is perfect, such a nice break from the sweltering weather we left behind.

I saw my oldest friend in the world on Monday. She is not old, but I have known her since we were born. We lost touch when we were about 18, but reconnected about 6 years ago. I could not help but bawl when I saw her and it was uper fun to catch up. She had 11 sisters and bothers and I have 4, so we had a lot to talk about. She also has a dreamy family - a daughter who wants to be an actor and a son who wants to be a baseball player and they are all working really hard for those things to come true.

That's about it for now. I need to rest my beach-weary bones. 

Posting with Pizza Belly

Ugh, I am full of pizza and it's about 100 degrees. What was I thinking? I was thinking I didn't want to cook and didn't want Pat to cook because I didn't want anyone to turn on the oven. Anyway, we ordered pizza and it was so good and it had been so long since I had any, that I ate a ton. And I know you know what I mean. And of course I want ice cream now.

As has been true the past few days, I have not much to report. Just trying to get through the heat. It's going to be another scorcher tomorrow. Pat worked her butt off painting the Rotten Pink Room (that is no longer rotten or pink) and it looks great. That was the worst room in this building when we bought it. Water would leak under the front exterior wall under the floor and so the whole thing was rotted out. We had to rebuild the bottom of the wall (we took the opportunity to install double glass doors) to stop the water from coming in, then we had to rip out the whole floor down to the concrete underneath. I did that on a hot day and it was gross. We had a terra cotta colored concrete floor poured. It turned out to be a dusty pink, I am not exactly sure what happened, but it is what it is. Maybe the karma of the room is that something in it needs to be pink no matter what.

The RPR was the room I was most afraid of in terms of getting it done. It seems like an impossibly disgusting and huge job, and now we are painting (ahem, Pat is painting) and on the verge of reinstalling the baseboards. Just another fear that has been stared down with a lot of time and help.

There must be a lesson there.

I made homemade butter from cream from grass-fed organic cows. It is pretty much the most delicious butter I have ever tasted. I had that with sour cherry/raspberry jam that I made the other day. That was lunch. It was good. The taste of the good life that I have.

Sour Cherry and Raspberry Jam a.k.a. the world's best jam

1 lb. sour cherries
1 lb raspberries
3 1/2 cups sugar
Juice of half a fat lemon

Mix everything together in a dutch oven or heavy and wide saucepan, let sit overnight.

Bring to boil and stir occasionally so it doesn't burn. If you want, puree with an emersion blender to get a smoother texture (I do this because I don't like how big the cherries are). Bring it up to 8 degrees F. over the boiling point of water (for us, that's 220 degrees F.) Skim the sum then pour into jars and either water can or freeze. I freeze all the jam I make now because I just cannot be bothered to can something that we are going to eat so fast. And something in the freezing makes the texture really yummy.

Wicked Hot

An early post today. And no post last night at all. I was out with Carly and Anna and we didn't get home until 10. Aunt Ruth babysat, Bennett refused to fall asleep until about 30 seconds after we came home. We had excellent Thai food and lots of good stories about their adventures at Snow Farm.

It is very hot today, and not anything like it's going to be tomorrow - about 100 degrees F. The F is for my friends where they use C. Don't want to freak them out. I did a bunch of errands and will soon be going to the club for a swim and cold dinner, which will include more of that cole slaw that I mentioned in an earlier post.

I don't have much to report. I am tired, I have a little pain, I feel a little chemo-ized today. But the truth is, I can't tell if it is normal tiredness or chemoization. Pat is tired too, but she's been doing more work than I have. Maybe it's the heat. Maybe it doesn't matter, and I can just be tired and that can be okay. That seems reasonable.

I have to get on that cole slaw. If I have more to report, I will update later. I foresee another tired night ahead after a few hours of swimming with B. I think I will wear my new magenta swim shorts to keep my energy up. They were $5 and I think Bennett will like them.

Oh, a quick story about Bennett. After her perfect cooperation with the dentist yesterday we went to the toy store. She pointed to a doll sized nigh chair. I told her it was too expensive. She said, mom-o why don't you buy me what I want instead of what I don't want. She got the chair. Then we went across the street for Slurpees. It was a prefect Summer day.

Post 302

And the number of posts keeps climbing.

Here is the back of my head:

My hair is coming in a little bit - very fuzzy, about 1/8 inch long. It looks like a tornado, Pat thinks it's cute. I can always count on her to see the cuteness. 

We were supposed to have storms today. The tornado on my head is the closest thing we came to a storm - just a meager drop or two and goodbye clouds. We have been hand watering the front garden so the herbs don't die, and the new plum tree. I should have prefaced this statement with the fact that our front garden is made up of small green areas within our driveway. The area with the plum tree is about 4x10ft, maybe 12. It has herbs, the plum tree, a gooseberry bush, irises, Jerusalem artichokes and some black-eyed Susans. It's pretty crammed in, so easy to water. 

In other news, I made a wicked cole slaw for dinner and Pat made carmelized onion pork burgers. Aunt Ruth came over to play with Bennett and all went well. I took Bennett to see the new Winnie the Pooh movie. I did my movie duty today. Tomorrow we are picking up Carly and Anna for the evening. They have requested that we keep them out from 6 to 9. We may go to Harry Potter, or just hang out. I'll let you know.

Wee Little Summer Post

With a bowl of raspberries picked this morning and cream, I will write a short post.

We picked up Carly and Anna at the end of their first week at camp at Snow Farm. We were all really happy to see them, especially Bennett. We went to Conway to Karen's parents' house to pick raspberries. Pat and I picked about 5 pounds (yes, pounds!) while C&A&B played on the swing under a huge tree. We could hear them giggling and falling off the swing and having a blast. It was brutally hot under the netting, so we weren't greedy (there were tons more berries) and took off to the club. We were going to go to the Conway Pool, but it is closed for the season. The dam broke so there is no pool. So we went to the club. Lucky us - Brad, Sandy, Avy and Emma came and we all hung out for about 5 hours. It was blazing hot, so it was nice to be near the river and in and out of the pool. Unless you were Bennett and Avy, then you were just in the pool.

We took C&A shopping for things at the evil but cheap Walmart, took them back to SF and came home and crashed. Pat and Bennett are sleeping and I am about to join them. It is still hot and we haven't had rain in weeks. We need a good storm to pass through and give us a little relief.

Have a great night. Another day well lived. Tomorrow making raspberry jam and raspberry/sour cherry jam, hanging out and maybe going back to the club. I plan to have another well lived day, and another and another...

No Alanis Morrisette Tonight

My sister Mary said that my last blog post was like a Sarah MacLauglin album, I think she meant Alanis Morrisette. For those of you too young or too old to know what I am talking about, AM writes this really angsty songs that may or may not be designed to help you when you want to slit your wrists. I don't want to. I didn't last night when I was posting, I just felt a general bleakness. I now firmly believe that the death thoughts are a side effect of the drugs. I am going to ask Dr B. I am sure he will say no, but he will be wrong. Just like he is wrong about my bionic chemo eyes.

I had a much better day today. I had a good sleep, Pat let me sleep in, I hung with B most of the day. She is a little under the weather - she woke up with a sore throat. Not good. Pat just got over some nasty throat thing that took her a week to tame. So we've been washing hands like crazy and praying that I don't get this virus. So tonight we were trying to get B to take her grape flavored tylenol and she just would not do it. There was no bribe she was interested and no threat that worked. So I told her she could have a medicine that goes in her butt. That girl had her overnight diaper off in about six seconds. She thought I was joking. I pulled out the tylenol suppositories and showed them to her. She just lifted her butt and said okay mom-o. I could believe. I thought she was bluffing, I sort of was. So in it went. About 10 minutes later she said that she preferred the butt medicine to the mouth medicine- though she was a little squirmy.

That was my day, I hung out, I had a shower, I put medicine in my kid's butt. On that note, good night everyone. In case you are wondering, I prefer the mouth medicine. Really I prefer no medicine at all. Wishful thinking....

Thoughts About Dying

Ugh, who wants to read a post that starts that way? Double ugh, who wants to write it? I don't. But that is what happens to me when I have chemo. It's almost like it's a side effect. Oh, what is the side effect? Me thinking about dying all day and all night. It's like it's impossible to get it out of my head today - chemo Friday. I try not to, I try to stay in the moment, I try to remember what a brilliant life I have and that I have no business thinking about the dying, but I do.

What else is there to say? I feel like crap-ola. My arms are sore, my head hurts, my heart is beating really fast, my mouth tastes like old feet, it's not a good scene. The only thing that keeps me from, what? I don't know, is that I know I will feel better tomorrow. But the sneaky thoughts are back reminding me that I am going to be doing chemo for the rest of my life. Yes, the rest of my life. And I think, how long can I do this? Another year, two, five? It's brutal.

But it's my life. And that's that. I can't make it different, I can't go back in time and have a colonoscopy 5 years ago, I can't I don't even know what. It's so frustrating and demoralizing.

Are you still there? I wouldn't blame you if you stopped reading. I am going to stop writing soon. I feel a little better. I will have a nice sleep, I will wake up and try my best to cherish the day. My sneaky fear thoughts tell me there aren't that many left. I don't even know what to say to that.

Ambien Schambien

So I go in for chemo and I tell the doc that I am still really having trouble falling asleep. She give me a prescription for Ambien. I was so excited to finally have something that was going to knock me out. I read the warnings, actually Ruth read them and gave me a synopsis. This is the drug that has made people sleep-eat, sleep-drive, and have sleep-sex. That being noted, I took it on an empty stomach, I read my book until I felt drowsy and then I was locked into a world where I was not asleep but could not open my eyes. It was awful. It was not sleep - it was some twilight zone hell that took hours to get out of. I finally really fell asleep around 5am when Bennett crawled into my arms to sleep. Needless to say I will not be taking that crap again. And I would advise against anyone taking it.

I have been a little tired today, but am trying to take in the words of Nancy who says to experience each day as it comes and not to base the days of chemo on how I have felt in the past. It is good advice, hard to stick to. On August 17 it will be a year since I started chemo, so I feel like I have a lot of experience knowing how I feel after chemo, but I will still try for the clean slate idea.

Bennett is asleep. This is the second night in a row she has fallen asleep before 6. This morning she woke up around 6:30 and we had a long conversation. It was wonderful. It was mostly about her doctor's visit today and whether today was the day she gets her pump. It makes me sad when she asks about having a pump, but I try to remember what Nancy says - that Bennett see me as perfect and wants to be like me and that includes the pump. So I told her she had to make due with shots today. She didn't even cry.

Here are some pictures to cheer me up:

Remember when I had hair? I do. It was nice hair. I miss it.

Here is Zeus being a very good and handsome boy.

And here are the two people I love the most. They are my world.

Ik heb chemotherapie morgen

That is Dutch - the language of my people. Well, since Mary has been working on the genealogy of our family, some of our people - and not as many as I was lead to believe. It means I have chemotherapy tomorrow. I do. I am not really happy about it, but I have to know that it is what is keeping me alive and that is a good thing. A really good thing. Because I have a good life, and I want to keep it as long as I can.

Here are some of the good things that have happened in the past two days. We took Carly and Anna shopping at Target and Trader Joe's to get essentials and essential snack for their time at Snow Farm. Then we got to drop Carly and Anna off at Snow Farm for their big camp adventure. We gave them a tour, introduced them to come people, met some other same-sex couples dropping off their kids. They thought the C&A were our daughters, and I thought that was pretty cool. They are such wonderful young women and my sisters did such a good job, that I would be proud to be there mom. Anyway, that was fun. We also had Aunt Ruth over for dinner yesterday and tonight - Aunt Theo is away teaching at Snow Farm so Ruth's main meal-maker is away. And it is super fun for all of us to have Ruth here in the evenings.

Today we went to Brattleboro, VT so Pat could help her friend Sally get her piece together for a show at the Brattleboro Museum. While Pat and Sally were fiddling, I took Bennett to the bike shop (she got a new basket with flowers for her bike), to Sam's (she got some new shoes for the beach in CA), we stopped and had ice cream. It was fun. We were walking back to the Museum to see what Sally and Pat were up to and there was Pat coming toward us on the street. Bennett loved that surprise. Then B and I left Pat to help Sally and went back to Holyoke to spend the day with Avy and Sandy at the club.

That is the life I am talking about, the life full of good people, watching Bennett experience the world -including showing the sales lady her new shoes and telling her we are going to the beach in CA, cooking good food, and eating ice cream. It is all good and I want it all.

Nieces Galore

Anna on the left and Carly on the right - me in the middle. Anna and Carly are here and we are going to deliver them to Snow Farm sometime between 1 and 4 tomorrow.  We are all super excited and I just know they are going to have a great time.

Pat is sick - with spots on the back of her throat. She went to the doc to make sure she didn't have strep - she doesn't. She was not allowed to come to the club today - she had to stay home and rest. She is not that good at staying home and resting, so I think she spent the pacing and trying to remember how to rest in the middle of the day.

So I took Anna and Bennett to the club, along with Aunt Ruth to the club. And BFF Avy and her parents, Sandy and Brad came too. It was a total a blast, we were there for hours and the weather was great. Anna and I went to Vietnamese for dinner, then picked up Carly at the airport. Now we are sitting and chatting and eating cookies - or biscuits to Anna. And what are biscuits called in England? None of us could figure that one out.

A little Bennett

Cousin Anna is here! My sister, Mary, is breathing a sign of relief that her 14 year old arrived all by herself from England. She is here for two weeks of art and craft camp at Snow Farm. She is a lovely and very fun girl to have around. Really, I should say young woman.

I didn't do much today except drive to Logan and back to get Anna. So here are move pictures of B.

Bennett and BFF Avy chasing bubbles.

Here's the Kitty Cake. It was yummy.

Love to you all and good night. Tomorrow swimming and picking up Cousin Carly, who is also going to Snow Farm. I can't wait to see what she and Anna make.  I love having artists in the family.

Over DId It

Yep, I over did it. I am beat to nothing except a little energy to post. I won't go into the litany of what I did today. Suffice it to say that I worked on the house, shopped at Home Depot, had a shower and a lie-down. Pat and I picked up B from school and went straight to the club. That is not entirely true, we stopped at the local "fine foods" (and I use that term only because it is on their sign) store and got Klondike Bars. Now that is fine food. We swam and ate and chatted ourselves into the evening, and now we are all pooped. I think Pat and Bennett are already asleep. I took Zeus for a short walk after dinner and left the two of them to work out the bedtime thing.

What a good day. I am trying to change my sleep habits because I figures out, with Nancy's help, that my sleep schedule was off. I kept thinking I wasn't getting enough sleep because I couldn't fall asleep until about midnight, then I would sleep in until 9 or so. If you do the math (which I hadn't) that's 9 hours of sleep. What was frustrating me was the lying in bed waiting to fall asleep for two hours. So, it seems that the reason I have been having so much trouble falling asleep is that I have been sleeping too much. Imagine that. So now I have to wake up earlier so I can go to sleep at the time I go to bed. That's a long way of saying, I am pooped, I think I will go to bed and read a little, thank God for the day and hopefully fall asleep as soon as the lights as out. Wish me luck.

Beautiful Evening

It's been a gorgeous hot day here. I did some things, didn't do other things, Pat came home and we went for a dip at the club. Had a snack, Bennett peed on the potty at the club (yay!), came home, ate dinner and B fell asleep in the big cozy chair while Pat and I were having dinner. She just left the table and the next thing I know we ask each other "where's Bennett?" Here she is asleep on the chair.

And to catch you up, here she is on her birthday at the party in the park:

And in her Belle gown that Aunt Mary sent, hiding behind her lollipop:

I will post photos of the bathroom when it is done - Pat is painting the trim right now.  Good night, my friends, isn't my daughter great?

whooped

Happy 4th everyone, I keep forgetting it's a holiday. We had a nice day. I have to say that I have been plagued with thoughts of dying. It could be because I am reading a book called the Hunger Games and there is a lot of death in it. And Bennett is in a phase where she likes to talk about death and what it means to die. Tonight I was able to get out of her that she thinks that everyone dies after a sword fight. She also told me that when I am an old lady, I have to fight very hard with my sword not to die. I told her I would try. What a luxury to think that I will be an old lady.

Perhaps she is watching too many Disney movies?

In between all the thoughts and conversations about death, we went to the Canoe Club to swim, came home and had a quiet afternoon. Pat got some work done on the house, I tried to tidy up. We have a master list of chores, I am bent on crossing off all the chores for the new bathroom tomorrow. I have to finish some trim, paint that trim and maybe five other things. I can't install the medicine chest because we have to fish out the wire for the lights - the drywall guy just drywalled over them so they are stuck in the wall. That means a call to the electrician, so I will not be able to do everything, but I can get close. It will feel really good. Yesterday I installed a storage cabinet and some towel racks - and put towels on them. It was great.

It's really the small things that make me feel great - as you can tell. I always thought that if I was given a big diagnosis, I would end up being one of those people who needed to see the world, but really all I want to do is curl up with my family, read good books, eat fine food made with love, and see my people. It really is the small things that add up to a joyful life.

An Elder Flower Day

I am drinking Elder Flower Champagne that Pat and I made, waiting for the right moment to dig into the Elder FLower and Lemon ice cream that I just made. It tastes just like floral lemon meringue pie. Yum city.

I had a nice day, a perfect Sunday in my opinion. I feel great. I woke up at a normal time and had a great night's sleep (finally), took B to the grocery store where we bought lots of organic things and My Lil Pony treats. I talked to the vet who got robbed yesterday - he is a strong old guy to be back the next day. Pat took B to the flea market this morning and I took the time to try to clean up this mess of a house. It's great that we are all home more, but it's messier. B then went to Aunt Liz and Aunt Julie's house and had a blast. I worked on the new bathroom and Pat worked on her awesome railing she is welding for the balcony.

It's been a lucky and good day. We had a great meal with L&J and now I am going to relax. Just relax and be. I am going to bask in my luckiness and be.

I Want a Cow

Huh? I am knee deep in this book by Darina Allen called Forgotten Skills of Cooking: the Time Honored Ways are Best. It has 700 recipes and chapters called things like Foraging, Beef, Poultry. Ah, but you are thinking every (non veg) cookbook has a chapter on beef, but I am talking keeping your own cow, how to butcher it, how to breed it, how to use the milk. I read somewhere that she teaches a 12-week class and it costs $13k. I thought that was nuts, until I got the book. I swear if I had $13 and didn't have to go to chemo every two weeks, I would be in Ireland learning to cook Snipe and Woodcocks, and I would be happily foraging in the hedgerows.

But I am here and it's pretty great to be here too. Bennett will not, repeat will not, go to bed. Pat is keeping an eye on her while Bennett putters around with her toys. We have not yet figured out a way to force her to bed. She is the most stubborn person I have ever met. My Dad would think this is fitting punishment for a daughter (me) whom he thought was one of the most stubborn people in the world. True.

We had a nice day today. Aunt Ruth came over to play so I went to the grocery store. While I was there some punk kid stole the money box from the ancient veteran who collects money by the front door. I was putting my groceries in the car when I saw him run by. I abandoned my groceries and sort of skip-walked after him until I saw him ditch the money under a car. Some guy (who could actually run) got the money together and then started to walk off with it, until I yelled at him that I could see him and the vet was on his way. Other people were dealing with the kid. I was more interested in getting the money back to the old man. The ironic thing is, I have told this old guy about 100 times that I will give money once Don't Ask Don't Tell is lifted- and here I was worried that he wasn't going to get his money. Who likes to see an old man get robbed? Not me. Stupid kid. I hope he finds some direction and maybe a little love in the process.

After that adventure, Pat, Bennett and I went to the Holyoke Canoe Club. That is our new pool and tennis club. Before you get too excited, I have to say that it is a Holyoke-style club, and by that I mean it's a tad run down. The pool is excellent and that is why we joined (I can't swim in natural bodies of water). There is no snack bar, but there is a toddler pool (which I have dubbed "the Swamp"), and lots of nice people. So we will go there, and I will sometimes look at all the white people and ask Pat "what year is this again?" but we will enjoy it because Bennett was thrilled with a capital T to be able to swim with me again. And I liked it too.

Post 289

Too pooped to post too much. Did some good things today, went to the farm, made dinner, tried really hard not to give in to the poopedness. Aunt Ruth came for dinner, Avy and Sandy came over too. A house full of activity is just the thing for feeling out of it. Grounds me to my humanity and the world.

Another night to get lots of sleep, and tomorrow is another day. Thank God.