Ugh, who wants to read a post that starts that way? Double ugh, who wants to write it? I don't. But that is what happens to me when I have chemo. It's almost like it's a side effect. Oh, what is the side effect? Me thinking about dying all day and all night. It's like it's impossible to get it out of my head today - chemo Friday. I try not to, I try to stay in the moment, I try to remember what a brilliant life I have and that I have no business thinking about the dying, but I do.
What else is there to say? I feel like crap-ola. My arms are sore, my head hurts, my heart is beating really fast, my mouth tastes like old feet, it's not a good scene. The only thing that keeps me from, what? I don't know, is that I know I will feel better tomorrow. But the sneaky thoughts are back reminding me that I am going to be doing chemo for the rest of my life. Yes, the rest of my life. And I think, how long can I do this? Another year, two, five? It's brutal.
But it's my life. And that's that. I can't make it different, I can't go back in time and have a colonoscopy 5 years ago, I can't I don't even know what. It's so frustrating and demoralizing.
Are you still there? I wouldn't blame you if you stopped reading. I am going to stop writing soon. I feel a little better. I will have a nice sleep, I will wake up and try my best to cherish the day. My sneaky fear thoughts tell me there aren't that many left. I don't even know what to say to that.
still here, still reading, still sending love and healing thoughts. Still... and for as long as you need. You words give us life Ruth. They are a reminder for us to be still and greatful. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteDear Ruth,
ReplyDeleteI'm a little tired, I am not sure the perfect thing to say, but I want you to know I read your post and heard your thoughts and fears, and I'm standing by you while you go through this. I think you act a little too upright sometimes; wish I had paid closer attention this evening.
By the time you read this, it'll be Saturday, the day that life starts to look brighter and your attention will have started to balance itself. But I hope I get to listen to your fears when they come up again. It's better when you can get a good look at them with company, I think.
Or we could just do a crossword together...
Isn't this about the anniversary of when you went into the hospital after returning from vacation, last year? Don't underestimate the power of that traumatic memory cycle, and be as thoughtful and tender towards yourself as you would be for Bennett.
I am sending you lots of love (as usual),
Ruth
I'm still here, too, and am thinking that you will have a nice time seeing Anna and Carly and Bennett together this weekend! Thank you to you, Pat and Bennett for being there for Anna and Carly. lots of love, Joanne
ReplyDeleteCould you let Anna know that I changed her Facebook password because she'd left herself logged in on a public computer (prob at Heathrow) and someone was posting rude things. I'll email you her new password.
ReplyDeleteMary xx