Bad Good Shit

This is what Pat and I decided chemo is. It is good because it is wreaking massive havoc on the cancer in my body and it is bad because it is doing the same to the rest of my body. I have to say I am feeling much better today - I would say 85% human. 15% what? I don't quite know, maybe shit. My head hurts, my teeth ache (and have for about three months), my arms are tired liked I've had a massive workout but have not. It must be fatigue. And I think I mentioned my eyes hurt. So we take the bad with the good.

And the good with the bad, of course. My pants fit again. Is this good? Yes. Is it bad? Yes. Why is it bad? There goes all that good creamy fatty food that I have been eating to gain weight. Now that I am here, at a reasonable weight, I will go back to eating better. That is good and just about the right timing. I have been getting a little tired of all the treats and almost had a stroke from the delicious platter of sushi we had tonight. That's the kind of good eating I can get behind. Like the salad from last night.

I am so so so lucky that I get to eat. The woman I told you about who has the same diagnosis I do, let's call her M, just told me that she is going to go on a liquid diet. Oh, I feel for her. I remember what it was like to make that decision and how hard it was for almost six months to eat that way. I am having lunch with her on Wednesday and made a care package for her - the full case on Ensure we had left, some potato flakes and the recipe for the Mary's famous life-saving potato soup, and some tomato soup from Trader Joe's. I hope I can help her. I know how hard it is, and I hope she is lucky like me to have it only be temporary.

I know how lucky I am. Seven weeks ago I was in the hospital and now I am picking Bennett up and chasing her around, I am off several medications, I am in my regular pants, I get to eat sushi and other delights, I get to have time with people I love. I am supremely lucky.