Oh oh oh oh, the heartbreak. Not two minutes after telling me that she loves me "so tight" (and she loves Mama a little bit), Bennett told me when she gets older she is going to get a pump. I told her that I hoped she never had to have a pump. She then put on her serious voice and said "no, Mom-o, when I am older I am getting a pump." I just kissed her and let it go. Of course she wants everything that I have, everything that I do. It's normal. What is not normal is that I have metastatic colon cancer and have had a pump every two weeks (except for the break for surgery) since August, with no end in sight.
That is not entirely true, I will be having a scan on April 28 or 29. He said he just wants to make sure there are no surprises. Yeah, me too. He never said anything about stopping chemo, as a matter of fact I have heard him say a couple of times that I will be on some form of chemotherapy for the rest of my life. God, I hope it's not the kind I get now. I hope it's some gentler form that is like having marshmallows thrown at me for a time, or having to eat cotton candy while lying in clouds.
So, I had chemo today. I also met with Dr. B. The only really interesting things I found out today is my blood pressure is great (Avastin sometimes makes blood pressure rise very high) and that I cannot go swimming at the Y. I sort of knew that, but now I have the news from the doc. Poor Bennett. Poor me. It's only for indoor pools. If we had a pool, I could swim in it. If it was a super clean outdoor pool, I could swim in it. It even sounds like I might be able to swim at Musanti Beach this summer, since they test for grotties every day.
I am going to bed now, but not before publicly declaring what a mensch Pat is. She came with me today, made dinner, cleaned up and is now making homemade strawberry/yogurt popsicles for B. She amazes me every day.
It's bound to happen. At least she's not emulating a parent who shoots small animals for sport or has a 10-year collection of dust balls carefully indexed in the basement. And it will certainly be way easier to unpack in adulthood. The great thing I have witnessed in person is that you and Pat are dealing as honestly as you can with a 3 year old. And you all, unmistakably, love one another so very much. If Bennett is going to copy you, it's because of this.
ReplyDeleteAs for Pat the Mensch! I will second, third and fourth that. I witnessed that a lot this weekend too.