Life as a Neutral Phenomonon

Life as a neutral phenomenon. I didn't make this up, Nancy told me about it. It's that all of the events in life are what they are, and are only made into what we make them by imposing our story onto them. Everything, she says, everything including having an emergency. She used the example of bleeding all over the ER floor. That it all is neutral until we decide it is not. I am trying to write about how profound this it so me. I think it's related to my epiphany and being able to live with cancer better - especially emotionally. If I think of chemo as a neutral event (though one that is working like crazy), it is easier for me not to get low when I go. I can sit in the chair for the four or five hours and be sad, or I can sit and chat with Pat or Ruth or whomever is with me. Maybe watch a movie and talk to the nurses and it isn't so bad.

I once saw a woman getting chemo and her five- or six-year old daughter was tucked in next to her in the big chemo chair. They were reading a book and snuggling together. It was a beautiful sight, if you just take a minute to understand the love that exists there.

Bennett asked me the other day to take her swimming. I don't want to go to the Y pool because it seems like the most humid and germy place I can think of (not really, but close). I told her I couldn't, and she said "not on a day when you have your pump, I mean you don't have your pump now, so you can go swimming with me." I told her it was the medicine and not the pump that made it so I couldn't take her to the pool, but I would take her other good places. She was okay with that. Pat takes her swimming almost every day these days. Bennett can swim without a bubble and jumps in by herself. You know I want to see that. Desperately. So, those of us mothers who have cancer take our kids where we can spend the most time with them - even the chemo chair.

Tonight Bennett put her little dolls to bed while humming Yellow Submarine to them. I used to sing that to her every night as her night-night song. I didn't know she remembered it. It was lovely.