A Surprise and Some Fear

Today was a day, that's what I can say about it. I have to acknowledge my gratitude that I got to have this day. As Mondays happen, I had Bennett all day. She is good fun and I love to hang out with her. We went to Trader Joe's and she ate a million little samples of veggies pizza and wee cups of milk. Ran into some old friends and had to tell them I have cancer. The answer "cancer" to "what are you up to these days?" is a real conversation stopper. No one ever knows what to say, and really neither do I. I should know- I've had nine months practice.

Two surprises today. My hair is coming out in clumps. Ah, I thought I would escape it this time, but no luck. I will get my head buzzed on Wednesday after acupuncture and that will be that. The second, and bigger surprise is that Bennett also gets benefits from Disability. Enough, maybe just maybe, to send her to a good school. She gets the money until she turns 18 or finishes high school, whichever is first. I am telling you, you get cancer people throw money at you. Or me, really. And she gets the money whether or not I am still walking this earth. Very cool.

The fear. Well, that's another thing altogether. I have my fifth, yes fifth, CT scan on Thursday. I won't have the results until Tuesday, but the fact that I have the scan is sitting in a tiny, but very active part of my brain. I can't imagine that much will be different, I am pretty sure it will be just that we continue on the chemo and the drugs are working fine. I am not worried that things are getting worse, because they took so much cancer out during the surgery. I don't have much to say today, but I am sure I will have more to say tomorrow and the next day and the next.

The only answer for the fear is to stay in the moment and to have some chocolate-covered peanut butter-filled pretzels. You know what I mean?