Yes, I am. Chemo does make me a little sick, but boy am I sick of it. I have been dreading it all day long. Tomorrow yet another round, which means that I will be feel yucky for three or four days. Nancy would say that I have no way of knowing that will be true, but it seems to be the pattern, so I am guessing I have some idea of what it will be like. Just like I know I will crave shrimp lo mein tomorrow night.
I just wish I was one of the those cancer people who got to have 6 months of chemo and their treatment was over. It seems that I am not one of those people. What a bummer. Again, the strangeness of being jealous of people who have "easier" cancer than I do. Cancer sucks worse than chemo. Ah, that is something I should really take to heart, so that going to chemo is easier.
I could rant all night about this, but I won't. Even though I was dreading chemo all day (it really was in the back of my mind, mulling and poking its way in every once and awhile), B and I had a decent day. It rained all day, so it was dreary to begin with. I asked B what she wanted to do and she said she wanted to stay home all day. So we had a feast of movies and cuddle time and lazing around. When I say lazing around, I mean it. I didn't do anything beyond cleaning up the kitchen and making sure B was fed every few hours. It was kind of great. I finished the first sleeve of the complicated brown sweater - why, oh, why do my arms have to be SO long? I started the second sleeve, watched Nemo, Enchanted and Toy Story 3. All good movies. Bennett often wandered away from the movies and played with toys, I did not.
I need some morale boosting - anyone out there? Please send some encouragement, I truly need it.
Ruth, I feel you live more truthfully in a day than many people do in a lifetime. And I think that's been true about you for most of the time I've known you, no matter what you've been living through at any given time, you're always truthful. And I feel like every bit of that is being poured into B right now, and into your healing. B is so lucky to have that from you. So is your healing.
ReplyDeleteRuth, how I wish I had something really inspiring to say that would make chemo more bearable. What I can say, and it is the truth, is that you have an amazing group of family and friends who love you and will hold you up when you feel like you can't do it yourself. It's ok to let that happen. Wrap yourself in that love and it'll bring at least a little more ease to your life.
ReplyDeleteBest of luck today and the next few days.
Peace,
Kathy
You are doing all the things you need to do whether of not they are pleasant. Jim is right, you are so present for B and for Pat and what a great model for B. I see you living and fighting this and I believe there will be a day in the not too far future when you are again feeling great and have the energy you want everyday. Just hug B and Pat tightly.
ReplyDeleteRuth, we all wish you were one of those six-months on chemo people. But remember that we are all here rooting for you—however quietly—each time you go. I hope that gives you some comfort. I am here if you need anything over the next few days.
ReplyDeleteSandy