Oh Crap

I had such a crappy day. I tried and tried not to, but really it didn't work. I got some things done - laundry, painting and such, but I also generally felt irritated.

I am worried about the pain in my belly and made a deal with Pat that if it's still there on Sunday, I will call the docs. I thought about calling Dr. B. today but I thought he would only say one of two things - it's nothing and I'll see you Tuesday or go to the hospital. I just did not want to give him the opportunity to tell me that. So I didn't call, and I worried all day. I should have given him the chance to tell me it was nothing and see you Tuesday. Argh. It's that fear again.

I also had a call from the woman who facilitates the terribly upsetting support group I went to once. You might remember how traumatized I felt afterward. So this woman calls and she says she so happy to hear my voice because last time she called she spoke to my sister and I was in the hospital and she had no way of knowing what happened. Okay, I don't know what you think she was saying, but to me she was saying, phew, I am so glad you are not dead otherwise this would such an awkward call. The next thing she says is something along the lines of "and you have such a huge diagnosis, I didn't know if the hospital was something planned or..." Double argh. This is the first time that I have felt like I was dying in a long time. It actually occurred to me during the conversation that I might not make it to my trip to England, never mind the Family Reunion in July. I think she might be the world's worst therapist. She left me devastated on the side of the road.

If I didn't know my mother was reading this I would call her a really bad name right now.

Since that call I have been trying to get myself righted. But it has been hard because I started out a little grumpy, then a little worried about my liver, and now super worried about my "huge diagnosis." Well, mostly I think of it as an on-going project, not anything else. And, as you know, there are days when I hardly think of it. I am too busy, really, to worry about God's business. I try to leave my future in his hands, that way I can have a really good now. Ah, there it is, I need to remind myself to mind my own bee's wax. I always feel better when I do.