Feeling It

Feeling it all. I mean it. I have been so happy and so sad today that it's starting to make me a little crazy. Mostly I am happy to be home, alive, with my incredible family, eating, napping, and being. I have been sad, so sad about having to spend time in the hospital and have an operation and have cancer still.

This really is step two in a many step process and I have to be careful about thinking too much about the future. I have to stay out of God's business.  If I stay in the moment, I can feel the happiness and not the worry.

I had acupuncture today with fab Nancy. She made a house call and while I was sitting with my needles zinging, she gave Mary a treatment. Her shoulder is feeling better tonight. My belly is super itchy- I don't know what that means, but I am taking it as healing sign. I will see her again Thursday, thank goodness. Tomorrow I am going to call my other healers and see what we can arrange for the week. I also have a plan to see Harry Potter tonight in preparation of seeing HP in the theatre this week.

Pat has been an incredible rock of strength. She and Mary and probably Bennett are all coming down from the stress of travel and me being absent. Mary has been constantly by my side playing crosswords and helping with all the hard bits. Making me what I am craving - today it was a chocolate malt shake.

I'm Out

 I am out of the hospital and successfully reacclimmated myself to my lovely home with my lovely family. I do not like being in the hospital. The people were incredible and work their butts off. I just don't like feeling like I HAVE to be there. I am lucky the surgery went so well. The got out all the gunk in my abdomen! Yay! The main tumor was "not that big" according the the surgical oncologist - just as big as his fist. I can't imagine how big it was before the seven, count 'em, seven chemo treatments. He took out about a foot of my colon and 18 inches of lower intestine. And some other stuff here and there, but no other organs. I have an incision about 10" long - right through my belly button tattoo.  They were very careful about matching it up properly. A very sweet and, I have to say, very young surgical intern told me it is actually easier to stitch up incisions with tattoos than without. I am happy I could help them with my 25 year old, saggy reminder of my past.

I left feeling pretty good. Still no pain meds since yesterday at 10 am. I don't really need them, and feel like if I took them I would over do it. It's hard enough for me not to be doing stuff already - on day one. And I am supposed to take it easy for weeks. My doc said after I recuperate, I get to start picking Bennett up again. That is really really cool for me. She is very interested in my belly and the metal staples that are there. She has been very gentle so far, but it's hard to explain to a 3 year old what surgery is and why ones would have it. Especially since I am trying not to scare the crap out of her. It just may be too late for that.

So tonight I plan on having a good sleep in the new bedroom that Pat made pretty for me. Thanks for all the comments and well wishes. I declare the I will up for visitors, but please call first. And I got the clearance to eat whatever I want in moderation- still low fiber but I don't have to be so crazy as before. Thank God and I mean that. Thanks for everything.

Mary Cometh

Mary comes tomorrow and this is a very good thing. It also means surgery is getting very close. Sunday we venture to Worcester together, but I get ahead of myself. I will be very happy to see Mary tomorrow.

Today I told Bennett that I am going to the hospital. She wanted to know why and I told her I was getting a big owie taken out of my belly. She wanted to know what the owie was called so I told her cancer. You should have seen her face when she asked "what is cancer?" She looked like she had just eaten something rotten. All she wanted to know was I going to get better. And I said yes. It broke my heart, because really who knows? But as Pat says yes is the only answer because that is what we are going for. That's right. She is swinging some mighty swords these days and I love her for it.

I told B that we could talk on the phone and she said that she wanted to be able to talk over the computer- we've been Skyping a bit lately, so a regular phone will not do for this girl. Then she found out she is going to go to her school and start swimming and ballet and she got excited and stopped worrying about me. I have to say it just about broke my heart, but she is in such good hands and has so many people who love her, I really don't have to worry. Mostly it's my heart that I worry about. I am going to miss her.

Happy New Year to you all!

The Straight Poop

Today was the day that I met with the surgeon. We'll call him Dr.W. He is very charismatic and confident. I like him a lot and trust that he is going to do a good job. Here is what he is going to do. He is going to remove 1/2 to 1/3 of my colon - called a Right Hemi Colonectomy. He is also going to get out as much of the cancer as he can. There's a lot in there, so he is going to get what he can (let's pray that he can get it all) without putting my overall health at risk. The idea is if they leave some cancer in there, it will be gotten or controlled by the new chemo drugs.

One thing to know - they are not doing anything to my liver. My liver is still too full of tumors to operate on, so they are banking on the new chemo drugs to clean it up.

It's strange that I thought surgery was the answer, but two things have been revealed, 1. they are pretty sure they are not going to be able to cure this cancer.  2. they are relying on chemo to do the big work. I thought it would be the surgery that would do the big work. But they think the chemo is going to do the big work.

The primary goal of this surgery is to take out the primary site - big tumor blocking my colon and lymph nodes and other junk around it. They will give me a epidural catheter to control the pain. That way the pain can be controlled from whichever vertebra they use and down, and my brain won't have to be bathed in pain meds for the week. Dr. W. says they are brilliant when they work properly. If it doesn't work, it will be some sort of morphine drip for me. They expect I will be in the hospital for 5-7 days - more likely 7. I can only get out after the pain is controlled, I am eating and tooting. He did not mention pooping, but I imagine they are going to want to make sure everything is in order.

That is what I found out. I also asked if this cancer was going to kill me. Dr. W's answer was yes, very likely. That if I was 70, his answer would be different, but because I am so young, unless I get into some sort of accident, it's the cancer that will likely get me. He reminded me of some of his cases where he was wrong, people living a long time, cancers being cured that they were sure wouldn't be. He also reminded me there is so much cancer research going on right now that something new might come along in the next year. They just don't know.

How can I be so calm? I am not sure. I am pretty sure it's because I didn't really find out anything I didn't know and there is no way to know that it is absolutely true that this cancer will get me. I am just going to go on the assumption that all will be well.

By the way, my recovery time is 6 weeks or so, so I expect lots of visiting from you all.

Feeling Groovy

Today was a good day. Yes, I have to say, a very good day. I almost feel like myself. I have been eating more things - like cookies, and have not had a bad reaction to them. The only thing is my teeth are not used to anything crunchy, so they are a little sore. I know that sounds weird to me too.  Tonight Pat made me little polenta pizzas. They were delicious and I am going to have pumpkin custard (a mainstay) for dessert. I have cut back to only two Ensures a day- I still want to maintain my/gain weight. They may taste terrible, but those 350 calories go down in about six gulps.

We went to Barnes and Noble to hang out and I splurged on the original Grinch movie. We spent the afternoon watching the Grinch, I also finished another hat using up all the yarns from the other caps I've recently made. This is from yarn that Mary sent me (really she sent a gift certificate, but I think of it as from Mary). I have very little hair left and am wearing caps all the time, for looks and warmth. I like the kind of cap that fit snugly and this pattern is pretty perfect. Next I am going to make a blue doggy hat Bennett has been asking for. I hope she really wants it, as her pink kitty hat met its demise in the washing machine.

It's a little odd to be feeling this good. It's almost hard to enjoy it knowing what's coming, but I have to take advantage because they are going to change up the chemo drugs and they might not be as nice to me. I didn't even have a nap today.

Oh, I met with the woman from Prepare for Surgery, Heal Faster. I am not really sure about it. It's a program of visualization (I can get behind that), but I am supposed to ask the surgeon and anesthesiologist to say affirmations to me while I am under. It just seems like too much to ask. I just want them to pay attention to my guts and getting the cancer out of there. It seems reasonable to ask the anesthesiologist to say nice things to me while putting me under and maybe even holding my hand, but I just don't know. I am also supposed to listen to the visualization tape on repeat the entire surgery. What do you think? I will ask the surgeon what the atmosphere in the OR is like. It's a teaching hospital so God knows what they will be talking about, so it might be a good idea not to hear what's going on. I just don't know. I don't even know how to put my Ipod on repeat.

Time to relax and not get too crazy about the surgery. I just want to normal night to go with my normalish day.

Some Sunday

Today I went to church. I decided that I wanted to go to church this summer and Pat and I tried one. We didn't like it that much, and Bennett kept thinking we were going to the circus. "Where the circus, mama?" What a disappointment! So we didn't go back and took an inadvertent break.

We have a Lutheran Church down the street and I thought I'd give it a shot. I went by myself this time. It was very pleasant. I don't know what the Lutherans are about, but the pastor was super accessible and the service was interesting enough to keep me attentive. I'll go back next week and see what's it's like again. There may have been a touch too much about all of us as sinners for my taste, so I have to find out if that was just the sermon or the flavor of the church.

It was a big deal to go by myself. I wanted to go back to bed so bad, but then I joined Pat and B on the drive to Trader Joe's. I sat in the car and talked to my sister, Mary, while Pat did the shopping and B did the snacking. Mary is going to Africa next week for a seven days. I am going to miss our talks a lot, but good for her for getting away and relaxing. She's going to need to soak in all that warmth for when she comes back here in November or December. I am already looking forward to that visit.

After TJ's, B went to Aunt Liz and Aunt Jewwelie's for an afternoon of fun. Pat and I got to take a nap, I didn't really sleep, but was plagued by the bad voices. Mostly about what actually happens when a person dies "from cancer." I had a very poignant and helpful conversation with my mom who helped me understand that it tends to be a shutting down of the system - or as I put it, organ failure. My mom assured me that my father (who died from cancer) had a peaceful death and that the hospice angels made it that way. It was very very comforting and sad.

We then had a long conversation about the use of anti-anxiety meds. My doc has been telling me to take them as often as every four hours- that is Atavan or Lorazepam. I really try not to, thinking that I am cheating. I now believe that if I need to take something to stop myself for torturing myself (as my mom put it), that it is not cheating. So guess what? After I hung up the phone I took half a does and it made the entire evening more pleasant - and I believe more pleasant for everyone. And I am not torturing myself at all right now and it feels really good.

More good news is we finally found a home for the fish tank. Thanks for the always generous and fearless Aunt Liz. It is be a huge relief not to have to worry about the sheer neglect of those beings anymore. Thank goodness. They will go to their new home this week, phew.

And that's about it. Read books to B, posting, going to watch a little Top Chef season three and go to bed. All in all not a bad day. I think I am over the hump of being chemo-ized. I will know more tomorrow- and so will you.

No Title Today

You might want to get your tissues out for this one. I know I have mine. No, nothing happened, I did not get any bad news. I did spend the day very sad. So I thought I would post about it. It's all well and good to try to present as well and good, but some days are just very hard.

I was weepy all day. Just sad as can be. I thought the thoughts I didn't want to think and they did me in. I thought a lot about loss and how hard it would be for Pat and Bennett if I died. That is enough to get me going again. What would happen to my piles of artwork, what would happen if Pat decided to sell this place where we live? What would happen to Bennett's heart - would it break in an irreparable way? What about my people, all of my people, what happens to them? I become another story of someone they knew who died from cancer. Why are there so many of these f*ing stories?

Fear and anxiety have been my companions today. They were not invited, but they came anyway. They seem to have a key to the house. Bastards.

Then I went to reflexology with the Magic Maryann. She told me to think of life like a Japanese garden - you can only see the next ten steps, and the next steps will only be revealed with each step taken. I get into real trouble when I get ahead of myself. I am not dead. I am not dying. I am certainly not dying in the next ten days (barring some unfortunate accident, which could happen to any of us, blah blah blah). Bennett will be the blazing spirit on this earth that she is no matter what happens.

Pat reminds me that we have to believe that I am going to live. And that reminds me that I have to do things like place the books order for Bennett's class and call the drywall guy to do the Gallery. And, for goodness sakes, find a therapist. I have been trying, but the one I called today lost her husband to cancer and I didn't think she would make a good match for me. I want someone who has a spouse who lived. I want my therapist to think that cancer is something we survive. Period.

I will quote my mother again - I don't want to die, I just want to know what happens. My mother is going to be 82 in March, God bless her, and I want her to find out what happens too. I want us all to know what happens. Enough said.

Sorry about that

I've heard from a couple of people that they worry when I don't post. Sorry about that, I just took a break. I think I was watching The Biggest Loser, or some crap. It's actually interesting that I need to learn this lesson again, when I don't post I feel a little bummed out the next day. Like something is not quite right. And if you think about it, so many things are not quite right about now, that I do not need to add another one.

I have two more hats to share with you. This is the winter hat that my sister's friend sent. This friend is a doctor so she knows things...

I look like a skater boy. The hat says Mountain Hard Wear on it. I love it, it's super toasty.

This one is the at I just finished knitting. It is purple with a silver/gray edge. The pattern is from www.knitty.com and designed by a bald guy. It's a hat specifically for bald people.

This is how much hair I have now. That's a big forehead. I am grateful to have any hair and I am sure you all are pretty tired of me posting about me hair. It's still there, that hair. And when it's gone, I'll let you know. Until then, you all can just assume I am keeping it for a little while longer.

My sister, Janna, is coming to visit tomorrow. Just for the day, and I can't wait to see her. I haven't seen her in 11 years. I am not sure how that happened, but it will be a huge treat to see her and just be with her.

I am having a very nice day. Pat worked her butt off trying to get a big window put in, she will finish tomorrow and I can't wait to see it. It will let is lots of light that will effect the new bedroom, the old bedroom and a room we used to call The Rotten Pink Room. It was rotten and pink, now it's not. We have to find a new name for it. The Gallery. Now we just need to get it drywalled and painted...ugh, so many things I can't do. I can call workpeople and hire them. As long as the money holds out.

Last I want to mention the incredible gorgeous handmade quilt my sis-in-law sent. It is so incredible and she made it too! I can feel the love coming from it. I can't take a picture right now because Bennett is asleep and I don't want to wake her up. I did want to mention how touching it is to get something so lovely and loving. It's like getting cancer was the only way I was going to ever understand how truly good people are. I just didn't know and now I do and I can't believe the humanity around me. I am so lucky. Praise be.