Sorry about that

I've heard from a couple of people that they worry when I don't post. Sorry about that, I just took a break. I think I was watching The Biggest Loser, or some crap. It's actually interesting that I need to learn this lesson again, when I don't post I feel a little bummed out the next day. Like something is not quite right. And if you think about it, so many things are not quite right about now, that I do not need to add another one.

I have two more hats to share with you. This is the winter hat that my sister's friend sent. This friend is a doctor so she knows things...

I look like a skater boy. The hat says Mountain Hard Wear on it. I love it, it's super toasty.

This one is the at I just finished knitting. It is purple with a silver/gray edge. The pattern is from www.knitty.com and designed by a bald guy. It's a hat specifically for bald people.

This is how much hair I have now. That's a big forehead. I am grateful to have any hair and I am sure you all are pretty tired of me posting about me hair. It's still there, that hair. And when it's gone, I'll let you know. Until then, you all can just assume I am keeping it for a little while longer.

My sister, Janna, is coming to visit tomorrow. Just for the day, and I can't wait to see her. I haven't seen her in 11 years. I am not sure how that happened, but it will be a huge treat to see her and just be with her.

I am having a very nice day. Pat worked her butt off trying to get a big window put in, she will finish tomorrow and I can't wait to see it. It will let is lots of light that will effect the new bedroom, the old bedroom and a room we used to call The Rotten Pink Room. It was rotten and pink, now it's not. We have to find a new name for it. The Gallery. Now we just need to get it drywalled and painted...ugh, so many things I can't do. I can call workpeople and hire them. As long as the money holds out.

Last I want to mention the incredible gorgeous handmade quilt my sis-in-law sent. It is so incredible and she made it too! I can feel the love coming from it. I can't take a picture right now because Bennett is asleep and I don't want to wake her up. I did want to mention how touching it is to get something so lovely and loving. It's like getting cancer was the only way I was going to ever understand how truly good people are. I just didn't know and now I do and I can't believe the humanity around me. I am so lucky. Praise be.

Going, Going, Not Gone

Just a super quick post tonight. I am pooped after a full day of feeling pretty good. Pat stayed home this morning and we did a lot of cleaning. This time with me pitching in much more than last time. I organized the recycling, which is a mound the pile of a small car. We keep missing recycling day and we are pretty good recyclers. P&B also got flu shots, B and half dose. The second half in 30 days.

More to the point, the hair is coming out fast and furious. I asked Pat to get me an electric razor on the way home from work tomorrow. It is falling  out so fast I have been afraid to comb my hair since two days ago. Tomorrow I will wield the comb and come what may. If I have a razor, then I can just be done with it. It's been a pretty tough day coming to the conclusion that the time for baldness is now. Why is everything such a process? Why do I have to grieve every change? My friend Jim says none of this is normal, so why do I expect to have normal feelings? I am quoting what I heard, probably not what he actually said. Sorry, Jim.

So, tomorrow reflexology and possible head shaving. What does your day look like?

Different Day. Thank God.

I have to use that old cliche - what a difference a day makes. I feel good, strong(ish) and with the exception of an hour or two of bad thoughts, I had a great day. An easy day with Bennett who is still getting over a cold. Pat came home early and took B to the park with BFF Avy. I had a few hours alone which I thought I would use to take a nap. I didn't need one, or my fear didn't want me to have one because all I did was lie there and think of scary scenarios.

I have to admit that I was online today. I was doing some surfing about canning (which I still want to do, but am banned from touching produce, so can't) and came upon an interesting site. As I was reading, it became clear the blogger's mom was in the midst of chemo and before I could look away, I was reading stats about life expectancy etc. It totally freaked me out. I am grateful for every day and I pray that I will read the archives of this blog when I am 80, but 2.4 years or 7.5 years or whatever this study said completely fed my fear's voice and that was that. I basically spent my nap time crying and worrying about Bennett liking her new mom better than me, or worse not remembering me at all. It was b. a. d. bad.

Yesterday, when I was prone all afternoon and talking to my mom, she told me I needed a project. I whined a lot about how the projects I used to do are not compelling and the sweater I started knitting last winter is going to be too big now, etc etc. Just thank your lucky stars you are not my mom, the conversation was pretty pathetic on my part. So...my mom sent me an encouraging e-mail and I have spent the evening knitting while watching Top Chef. I even repaired a sweater that a friend gave me to fix last year. Ahhhh, that feels good. I am definitely knitting tighter than I have in the past - pulling that yarn a little too hard while making a cap to cover what will be my shiny pate.

I thought I was going to miss the losing of the hair, but Pat informed me that I have a bald spot on the top of my head. Oh man. I knew the front was getting pretty thin, but a bald spot? I better knit fast! Now I just have to figure out what the markers will be for the big shave. How big a bald spot? How many bald spots? Just how thin and dead does my hair have to look before I can get the nerve to shave it? And why does it have to be in winter? I should have planned this better.

That's some painful irony there.

On that note, I will say goodnight. I will ask outright for prayers and good, right thoughts. I really need them tonight to chase the fear away. Together our voices and thoughts will drown out that wily, unwelcome fear and bring in the light.