Feeling Groovy

Today was a good day. Yes, I have to say, a very good day. I almost feel like myself. I have been eating more things - like cookies, and have not had a bad reaction to them. The only thing is my teeth are not used to anything crunchy, so they are a little sore. I know that sounds weird to me too.  Tonight Pat made me little polenta pizzas. They were delicious and I am going to have pumpkin custard (a mainstay) for dessert. I have cut back to only two Ensures a day- I still want to maintain my/gain weight. They may taste terrible, but those 350 calories go down in about six gulps.

We went to Barnes and Noble to hang out and I splurged on the original Grinch movie. We spent the afternoon watching the Grinch, I also finished another hat using up all the yarns from the other caps I've recently made. This is from yarn that Mary sent me (really she sent a gift certificate, but I think of it as from Mary). I have very little hair left and am wearing caps all the time, for looks and warmth. I like the kind of cap that fit snugly and this pattern is pretty perfect. Next I am going to make a blue doggy hat Bennett has been asking for. I hope she really wants it, as her pink kitty hat met its demise in the washing machine.

It's a little odd to be feeling this good. It's almost hard to enjoy it knowing what's coming, but I have to take advantage because they are going to change up the chemo drugs and they might not be as nice to me. I didn't even have a nap today.

Oh, I met with the woman from Prepare for Surgery, Heal Faster. I am not really sure about it. It's a program of visualization (I can get behind that), but I am supposed to ask the surgeon and anesthesiologist to say affirmations to me while I am under. It just seems like too much to ask. I just want them to pay attention to my guts and getting the cancer out of there. It seems reasonable to ask the anesthesiologist to say nice things to me while putting me under and maybe even holding my hand, but I just don't know. I am also supposed to listen to the visualization tape on repeat the entire surgery. What do you think? I will ask the surgeon what the atmosphere in the OR is like. It's a teaching hospital so God knows what they will be talking about, so it might be a good idea not to hear what's going on. I just don't know. I don't even know how to put my Ipod on repeat.

Time to relax and not get too crazy about the surgery. I just want to normal night to go with my normalish day.

That's a lot of Love

Thanks for all the great comments. I do feel the love. I actually do. I have been so sad and panic-y and stressed out that I forgot about the love. And some things happened today that helped me remember that life stuck in sad/panic/stress mode is no life at all. So I am slowly trying to trust that it's safe to come out and that it does not pay to walk around waiting for bad news.

These are some of the things that happened today that reminded me of the good. Aric (Bennett's teacher) met us at the door of the school with a big smile and Bennett went right with him. Aric or Margo meet us at the door in the mornings because I cannot go up to the germy classroom. An amazing arrangement master minded by my sister Mary.  I came home and the cleaning lady, Laureen, told me she is donating her services from now on. That made us both cry big tears. How generous and moving, and how will I ever repay her? I went to reflexology and the Magic Maryann told me my solar plexus is depleted. That's where a whole host of things live including confidence. She's right, my confidence is in the toilet, luckily she told me some exercises to help. She gave me some names for acupuncturists. (I have this idea that I should get acupuncture for my WBC. I have a call in to to Dr B to see if it's okay. I already have an appointment, but it will be after my next appointment at UMASS, in case Dr B doesn't call back on this one. Not really an emergency.) I got home and there was a gentle coconut Thai soup from Beryl with stickers in the bag for B. Our friend Dawn brings B home on Wednesdays - making it possible for Pat to work the whole day. Those were just a few things that happened today that remind me that there are so many points in my day where people help that make my life so much more manageable.  And I haven't even mentioned how hard Pat works. She works really hard.

Bennett just came up to me and gave me a bear to hold so I won't be lonely while she and Pat read bedtime books. Is that not the loveliest?

All those things add up to me feeling better - or does feeling better remind me to recognize the love? Who knows, who cares? It's just good to be a tiny bit out of my shell.

My scan is on the 27th - the Saturday after T-day. We are not going to celebrate Thanksgiving this year. It's just too hard to celebrate a holiday that is literally a feast. So we will be mellow at home and talk about what we are thankful for and I will have some soup and Pat will eat her diabetic meal and Bennett will likely have fish sticks. That's how it works here.

Back to the scan - the follow up will be the 30th and that's when we find out what the last four months of chemo (it will be four months at the end of November) did to devastate the cancer. I am praying for a miracle here and why not? Let's all pray for the radiologist to exclaim "where did all that cancer go?!"

Enough about the scan, there's not a thing I can do to make it happen faster and worrying never helped, so I will talk about my new sleeping hat. When went to the Cancer Connection, they had a lot of hats in a basket. I found a hat that is specifically to wear to bed to catch the hair that is falling out. Now I have to say that when I was first diagnosed UMASS nurses gave me a packet that included a catalog with items such as this. I can't tell you how grossed out I was. These were things for other people. Ha! Now I am so happy that my pillow won't be covered in hair every morning. The only thing about this hat is it is baby pink. Bennett will love it, I know she will. Anyone still interested in the hair saga, I still have some hair, but have taken to wearing hats every time I go out. For warmth and because you can pretty much see my scalp at this point. It's too cold to shave my head, so I just cover it now. I have a feeling this next chemo blast will be the one that really does my head in. One thing they don't tell you is how sore your head gets. I am not sure what it's from, but I'll tell you my scalp is super tender.

My cold is much better.  I feel better. I have felt the love and here it comes back to you. Catch!

Sorry about that

I've heard from a couple of people that they worry when I don't post. Sorry about that, I just took a break. I think I was watching The Biggest Loser, or some crap. It's actually interesting that I need to learn this lesson again, when I don't post I feel a little bummed out the next day. Like something is not quite right. And if you think about it, so many things are not quite right about now, that I do not need to add another one.

I have two more hats to share with you. This is the winter hat that my sister's friend sent. This friend is a doctor so she knows things...

I look like a skater boy. The hat says Mountain Hard Wear on it. I love it, it's super toasty.

This one is the at I just finished knitting. It is purple with a silver/gray edge. The pattern is from www.knitty.com and designed by a bald guy. It's a hat specifically for bald people.

This is how much hair I have now. That's a big forehead. I am grateful to have any hair and I am sure you all are pretty tired of me posting about me hair. It's still there, that hair. And when it's gone, I'll let you know. Until then, you all can just assume I am keeping it for a little while longer.

My sister, Janna, is coming to visit tomorrow. Just for the day, and I can't wait to see her. I haven't seen her in 11 years. I am not sure how that happened, but it will be a huge treat to see her and just be with her.

I am having a very nice day. Pat worked her butt off trying to get a big window put in, she will finish tomorrow and I can't wait to see it. It will let is lots of light that will effect the new bedroom, the old bedroom and a room we used to call The Rotten Pink Room. It was rotten and pink, now it's not. We have to find a new name for it. The Gallery. Now we just need to get it drywalled and painted...ugh, so many things I can't do. I can call workpeople and hire them. As long as the money holds out.

Last I want to mention the incredible gorgeous handmade quilt my sis-in-law sent. It is so incredible and she made it too! I can feel the love coming from it. I can't take a picture right now because Bennett is asleep and I don't want to wake her up. I did want to mention how touching it is to get something so lovely and loving. It's like getting cancer was the only way I was going to ever understand how truly good people are. I just didn't know and now I do and I can't believe the humanity around me. I am so lucky. Praise be.

Great Story

Pat just got home from work with a great story of a friend's father who had stage-four colon cancer six years ago and is doing fine. That makes me feel great. Hopeful. Really really hopeful. The doctor who diagnosed me told me he had a patient who was diagnosed later than I, and that was 10 years ago. I hold that close to my heart. Every once and awhile I wonder if he was just trying to make me feel better, but why would he? He had no reason to lie. I will think the best and believe my goal of seeing Bennett graduate from high school is a realistic one. That was my secret goal, but now you all know and you will all help me get there - and beyond.

I had a good day today. Another pain free one. Maybe, at this point, I can just report when I have pain. Or why not, I like to say that it was a pain free day. It makes all the water drinking, soup slurping and yogurt eating worth it. I can tell you that this food lover is still struggling with the limitations. That's okay, I have really grown fond of peanut butter from the spoon and cream in everything. I almost can't wait to see what my weight is next week - just to see if this Ensure/cream regimen is working.

Bennett and I spent most of the day at home. I should clarify - I spent the entire day at home, Bennett had an afternoon at the farm with Aunties Ruth and Theo. They all looked like they had a blast when they came home. I really miss going to the farm - all that dirt and bacteria is not good for me. Next year, I tell myself, I will be able to not only go to the farm, but I will be able to touch the veggies and eat them. That will be a good time.

I can see the difference in B since she started her new school. She doesn't really care as much for TV and wants book after book. We must have spent three hours reading books and finding ebooks to download and read. I know they've been working on maps at school and today she brought me a book with a picture of a globe on it and said "where do we live?" It was really cool. I am so happy she is so happy at her school. Because I am a worrier, I am now worried that we have to find her an elementary school that will be just as stimulating. Yikes!

It's pretty nice to worry about something else other than my health. I am praying that chemo goes okay next week, that every chemo treatment is one step closer to surgery which I am psyched about and dreading at the same time. I don't know when it will be, but it's in my mind. Oh, my mind, so many things stewing. But that is another post. Tomorrow, more hats, more rants, more calls for prayers and light. See you then.

Not Yet

So the razor is not here, and the comb was kinder to me than I thought it would be. We will wait for the weekend to do the deed. Until then, I will model some hats that have come my way. This one from Linda at Plumdinger Studios in Pittsfield. I love it and it's lined with fleece!

This one from the lovely Deanna, who is an awesome knitter and spinner. Check out the incredible cable pattern on this one. The yarn is super soft and it's a great color.

Here is a scarf from Libby. It's got lots of great things about it - not only is it from my wonderful niece, but it's orange, and it has the words "confidence, wisdom, grace" printed all over it. What more could you ask for?

Last for tonight's posting is a hat from my friend, Elizabeth, who lives in Vermont. I think the fashion sense in VT wilder than Mass. At least Western Mass. 

There are others, including a great winter hat from my sister Joanne's doctor. She said it's the only hat that kept her head warm when she was bald. I am knitting a purple hat and I am sure has the winter progresses, I will acquire more head gear.

My day has been a good one. A nice session of reflexology. It is so good for my soul. My belly is a little sore today, but seeing as I've been pain-free for 10 days, I can deal with a little bit of soreness. This is nothing like the other belly pain. I don't even want to use that word, since I am not in pain, just a little ow-y, as Bennett says. I am grateful for the gift of today. The light is really coming my way.