What Happened to the Kitty?

Our kitty has a big bump on her head. A real goose-egg. I have no idea what happened and we are all concerned. Even Bennett is being nice to her frienemy, the cat. I am sure after a good night's sleep she will be fine, but it's still a little disconcerting. Bennett has a little cold, Pat has a sore throat, the cat got hurt who knows how, and I still have cancer.

That's the thing that gets me. I can have a really good day, like today, and when I sit to write I think, oh yeah, I have cancer. I still wonder how that can be. It's a little like the cat - what the hell happened? At least with her, I can be pretty sure she is going to be better in the morning and by tomorrow night she will be torturing the mice in the cemetery behind the house. Me, I probably won't be up to catching mice until next summer.

I did have a nice day today. I thought since I had such a great day yesterday, I wouldn't have to take the anti-anxiety meds. Ha! I took them yesterday, why did I think today would be any different? Even Magical Mary Ann, told me to take the meds. I thought she would want me to only use some fancy breathing trick, but no. So, I took the meds again this morning and it does make a huge difference. The little pill lets me have my day. B and I hung out for a long time just watching Dora and cuddling. Then I went to get a new phone (my old one was acting weird and the idea of not having a phone is scary for me), went to the park until it rained so hard we had to leave. Then more cuddling and Dora. Until Auntie Ruth and Theo took B to the farm for the very last pick up. I happen to know they saw BFF Avy there and played a game called "dangerous truck." The amount of sand that came out of Bennett's hair at bath time can attest to the fun they must have had.

I, on the other hand, had a delicious nap and played word games on the iPaddy for about an hour afterwards. It was the perfect break. I nap now with my iPad playing wave sounds. I always have the radio on classical and I listen to podcasts when I get to the studio. My mom was right, it just makes life richer to have sound around all the time. I think the wave sound keeps some part of my mind busy so that I don't have as many of the bad thoughts.

I still have the bad thoughts. They are there and I am pretty sure I will never be rid of them. That's okay, as long as I can try to befriend them - to take the power away. They are part of me, after all. I really hate to admit it, but they are. It seems silly that I would have to go through cancer and actually believe that I could get away with not having scary repetitive thoughts and bad dreams. Another surprise.

The one thing that really surprised me the other day, is that I knew some of the things that were going to happen to me - the hair, the nausea, being bone tired, etc, - I just didn't know they were all going to happen at once. I thought I would get the chance to tackle them one at a time. Not so, my friends. They are all happening at the same time. Who knew? To have a couple of good days seems like such a gift. I will take these gifts and thank God and the universe for them. Remind myself of all the good things I have in between the bad thoughts, fatigue and nightmares. So, thank you God and I'll take another.

Just Got Up

Yep, I just got up from bed- it's 6pm. I feel a little humanity returning, for which I am incredibly grateful. I was in bed all day, literally all day. Not watching movies, not reading books, just dozing and lying with my eyes closed. Is it laying or lying? I don't know. I am just happy to be up and feeling like maybe tomorrow will be better.

I will tell you what it's like. I've heard chemo described as God playing with gravity, and some days are just days you can't fight gravity and have to be horizontal. I mostly agree with that, but I more feel like the ray guns on Star Trek are set on stun and they got me. Otherwise I would want to read or watch a movie, it feels just like I've been stunned.

I had a very hard time with guilt today. I felt like an utter failure. That not being able to get out of bed is anathema to who I am, and I felt a deep sense of failure. This doesn't help at all. I also wondered if I might be clinically depressed, which happens to people who get cancer. I don't think so. I bet I will know more tomorrow. Both Mary and Pat reassured me that I am not a failure, that chemo is a hard thing to deal with and sometimes bed is the only answer.

Thank God for Pat being able to take Bennett to work at the last minute. Thank God for Ruth and Theo getting our veggies for us and thanks again to the highest power for Liz and Julie taking Bennett for an adventure in the afternoon. All of these folks pitched in so I could stay in bed and work on my WBC.
So many people called to see if I was okay, it was really a wonder to get so much help.

Last night I didn't post that Dr B agreed to the Neulasta if my WBC count if low at my next chemo. He called yesterday to tell me that he is working with the insurance company to get it okayed. He thinks he has a good case because I've already spent a week in the hospital due to a compromised immune system. Neulasta, I've read online, is between $3k and $7k a shot. I don't know why the range, but holy cow! that's a lot of money. Neulasta doesn't come without its side effects- 10% of users get severe bone pain and/or flu like symptoms. If you look at the glass half-full, that means 90% don't. I am going to cross my fingers and toes that I am in the 90%. So far I have lucked out on a lot of side effects - I've only barfed a few times and I don't have the diarrhea everyone talks about. That might be because I only eat soup and Ensure and the occasional yogurt. Anyway, I hope I will continue to luck out.

I feel like I have to say thanks to everyone for your support. This is going to be a long long long shitty process and I appreciate you all sticking with me. I think about it all the time, how important all this support is. How could I have gotten through this day if so many people didn't step in to help? So, thank you from the bottom of my super fast-beating heart.

Cross Your Fingers

Chemo tomorrow, God willing. I feel good and have been resting like mad, so if I my WBC are not up to the task tomorrow, I don't know what I will do. I have a list of questions for Dr. B. including the whole why can't I get the WBC shots thing? Can I get my labs done locally? That way I don't have to travel and get turned away. That would be great for us logistically.

I was warned at the beginning of this journey that I might need to find a local lab - and they were right. I just never thought that I wouldn't be up to having the chemo every two weeks. My body has always been so strong and trustworthy.  It still is, but I guess if I get hit with what amounts to poison, things go a little haywire. I keep thinking if I thought better positive-thinking thoughts, this wouldn't happen, but that's not true. I think a lot of weird stuff. Sue, the chemo nurse, says there is nothing to do to about the WBC thing. Nothing special to eat or drink. But I believe my ongoing supply of beef broth from Theo is keeping my immune system going stronger. (I will also mention that Sandy made a great sweet potato cheese soup that is pretty amazing - you can practically feel the calories when eating it.)

I have been on an on-line shopping jag. Tonight I ordered 2 - 40lb bags of dog food. Two days ago it was a new mattress pad. I figure if I can't go shopping, I can get everything on line. It seems to be true. Last week I noticed my shoes had holes (I suspect they had been there from some time, but my mind has been elsewhere), so ordered some new shoes. They came in less than 24 hours. I like that things just come to our house. What else I like is that I can do research on the best brand and just order it and it comes. That's what I did for the space heater for the new bedroom.

Okay, so that's what I've been up to. Pat's home now, Bennett is so relieved she actually ate some dinner and fell asleep in about a minute tonight. She does not like when one of us is gone. Come to think of it, I don't like it when one of us is gone. I don't really like it when my friends travel. And I have to say I wish my sisters and their families lived closer - like around the block.

Anyone interested in a 40 gallon fish tank? It has fish already in it, and it's got lots of cool marbles that Pat and I made on the bottom. I am not allowed to touch it and I am afraid these fish will die if someone doesn't come at take them away. It's a pretty low maintenance, but not low enough for us. Let me know and I will give you the scoop on how to take care of it.

Wish me luck tomorrow. I am resigned to whatever happens, but feeling hopeful. A good night's rest and a nice big yummy Ensure will help, I am sure.

Quick Post - 30 Minutes or Less

I don't have a ton of time. I have exactly 30 minutes before I need to wake Pat up so we can have our after-Benett-goes-to-sleep time together. And tonight is especially important because Pat is leaving tomorrow for the weekend. She is going to her mom's memorial service in Western NY. In all the hullaballo surrounding me, Pat hasn't gotten the attention she deserves and it makes me really sad. Betty was a fine lady who lived a good and full life and I am glad I knew her.  I will be bold and ask that you all pray in any way you do for a safe trip for Pat - and Betty too, while we're at it.

I had a particularly nice day today. It was rainy and B and I stayed in. We did a lot of nothing much. Just painted, read books, looked for more free children's eBooks (any ideas? I am coming up with a bunch of junk.). Bennett wanted her nails painted - a request out of the blue. Luckily we had green and red nail polish. Now B's toes are green and three of her fingers are red. The red nail polish actually washed off in the bath. I've never seen such a thing, usually it takes years to wear off. We napped and generally had a great time.

I think my super sad night last night helped me connect with B better today. I thought it might be the opposite - make me want to be less close because of my fear of loss. Yay for me, I didn't push her away. It was a lovely day.

My dear friends Ruth and Theo have colds, so are not allowed to come by this weekend. I will miss them while they take good care of themselves. We are all going to miss their usual visit- especially with Pat gone. Luckily I just set up a Skype account and know how to call Ruth. Let me know if you want me account name and we can Skype together.

I don't have much else to report. I ordered my annual pair of birthday shoes from my mom about a month late. They came less than 24 hours later. How do they do that? Why doesn't Holyoke have a Internet grocery service? My sister who lives in England, in what Google maps makes look like the middle of nowhere, has it. This area seems like just the right neighborhood for grocery delivery and a Trader Joe's in the Holyoke mall, maybe next to Barnes and Noble, while we are thinking wishfully.

I am sick of my own sad cooking. Not being allowed to touch fruits and veg make it hard to come up with tasty food from scratch - actually impossible. Anyone out there want to make some smooth, high calorie soup for me? It just has to be smooth and tasty.

This seems like a post where I want people to do things for me. Pray for Pat, deliver my groceries, bring me new shoes, make me soup. Odd when I usually am so independent. Things have really changed in the past few months. I would have never asked anyone to do anything for me - but now it's really the only way I can thrive/survive. What would I do without Theo's beef broth? What would I do without R&T getting our farm share for us every week - not that I can touch any of it, but still. What would I do without Liz and Julie at the ready to take Bennett? There are so many to be grateful to, I can't list them. Thank you all. Really, that's all I can say. Three minutes to spare.

Great Story

Pat just got home from work with a great story of a friend's father who had stage-four colon cancer six years ago and is doing fine. That makes me feel great. Hopeful. Really really hopeful. The doctor who diagnosed me told me he had a patient who was diagnosed later than I, and that was 10 years ago. I hold that close to my heart. Every once and awhile I wonder if he was just trying to make me feel better, but why would he? He had no reason to lie. I will think the best and believe my goal of seeing Bennett graduate from high school is a realistic one. That was my secret goal, but now you all know and you will all help me get there - and beyond.

I had a good day today. Another pain free one. Maybe, at this point, I can just report when I have pain. Or why not, I like to say that it was a pain free day. It makes all the water drinking, soup slurping and yogurt eating worth it. I can tell you that this food lover is still struggling with the limitations. That's okay, I have really grown fond of peanut butter from the spoon and cream in everything. I almost can't wait to see what my weight is next week - just to see if this Ensure/cream regimen is working.

Bennett and I spent most of the day at home. I should clarify - I spent the entire day at home, Bennett had an afternoon at the farm with Aunties Ruth and Theo. They all looked like they had a blast when they came home. I really miss going to the farm - all that dirt and bacteria is not good for me. Next year, I tell myself, I will be able to not only go to the farm, but I will be able to touch the veggies and eat them. That will be a good time.

I can see the difference in B since she started her new school. She doesn't really care as much for TV and wants book after book. We must have spent three hours reading books and finding ebooks to download and read. I know they've been working on maps at school and today she brought me a book with a picture of a globe on it and said "where do we live?" It was really cool. I am so happy she is so happy at her school. Because I am a worrier, I am now worried that we have to find her an elementary school that will be just as stimulating. Yikes!

It's pretty nice to worry about something else other than my health. I am praying that chemo goes okay next week, that every chemo treatment is one step closer to surgery which I am psyched about and dreading at the same time. I don't know when it will be, but it's in my mind. Oh, my mind, so many things stewing. But that is another post. Tomorrow, more hats, more rants, more calls for prayers and light. See you then.