Cross Your Fingers

Chemo tomorrow, God willing. I feel good and have been resting like mad, so if I my WBC are not up to the task tomorrow, I don't know what I will do. I have a list of questions for Dr. B. including the whole why can't I get the WBC shots thing? Can I get my labs done locally? That way I don't have to travel and get turned away. That would be great for us logistically.

I was warned at the beginning of this journey that I might need to find a local lab - and they were right. I just never thought that I wouldn't be up to having the chemo every two weeks. My body has always been so strong and trustworthy.  It still is, but I guess if I get hit with what amounts to poison, things go a little haywire. I keep thinking if I thought better positive-thinking thoughts, this wouldn't happen, but that's not true. I think a lot of weird stuff. Sue, the chemo nurse, says there is nothing to do to about the WBC thing. Nothing special to eat or drink. But I believe my ongoing supply of beef broth from Theo is keeping my immune system going stronger. (I will also mention that Sandy made a great sweet potato cheese soup that is pretty amazing - you can practically feel the calories when eating it.)

I have been on an on-line shopping jag. Tonight I ordered 2 - 40lb bags of dog food. Two days ago it was a new mattress pad. I figure if I can't go shopping, I can get everything on line. It seems to be true. Last week I noticed my shoes had holes (I suspect they had been there from some time, but my mind has been elsewhere), so ordered some new shoes. They came in less than 24 hours. I like that things just come to our house. What else I like is that I can do research on the best brand and just order it and it comes. That's what I did for the space heater for the new bedroom.

Okay, so that's what I've been up to. Pat's home now, Bennett is so relieved she actually ate some dinner and fell asleep in about a minute tonight. She does not like when one of us is gone. Come to think of it, I don't like it when one of us is gone. I don't really like it when my friends travel. And I have to say I wish my sisters and their families lived closer - like around the block.

Anyone interested in a 40 gallon fish tank? It has fish already in it, and it's got lots of cool marbles that Pat and I made on the bottom. I am not allowed to touch it and I am afraid these fish will die if someone doesn't come at take them away. It's a pretty low maintenance, but not low enough for us. Let me know and I will give you the scoop on how to take care of it.

Wish me luck tomorrow. I am resigned to whatever happens, but feeling hopeful. A good night's rest and a nice big yummy Ensure will help, I am sure.

Mind Full, Body Blank

What a shift today. I woke up fully aware this morning, but so tired. Tired is not even in the same league as how I felt. Exhausted, fatigued? None of it is right. I heard the voice of Sue the chemo nurse, don't spend all day in bed. So I got up and walked the dog. My ears were blown and that makes me feel like I can't really see or hear, so that was pretty uncomfortable. Plus, the walk was brief. I got home and played with B for about an hour and had to take a two hour nap. Pat took B to Aunt Julie's while I continued to spend the day in bed. Mostly giving myself a hard time for being in bed. I wrenched myself out for about 30 minutes, which I spent shakily cutting glass in the studio. That sent me back to bed for another nap. At that point I called my mom and spent the rest of the time in bed, reading, chatting and feeling like it just had to be okay that I needed to be there, in the damn bed.

I would be there now but Bennett is sleeping there. I have been spending the nights in the back room because Bennett has a cold - and Pat is working is that room. 4000 square feet and no place to go. No, really, I am being melodramatic. I want to post. I want to post to a blog called "My Cancer Year." The premise being I tried having cancer for a year, then gave it up or adopted some parts of my experience into my life, but cut some of the harder bits out. Like this is voluntary - and at the end I get a fat book contract.

No such luck. This business has been going on for only about 2.5 months and I am already pretty sure what bits I would cut out. The cancer would go, for sure. The chemo right after that. I would keep the people at UMASS Memorial because they are so nice and attentive. I would also keep all of the reflexology and the ways people are super nice to me. I would also make sure not to keep the fatigue and all the millions of pills.

Oh, and the Ensure would have to go. My god, how gross is that stuff? I have been drinking two a day to up my calories. It tastes like a bad milkshake with a multivitamin crushed in there. I am very thin, at least for me. My smallest pants fall off me and I need to get a belt soon or the world will see the state of my sad sad huge underpants. Am I getting too personal?

Tomorrow is Monday. Pat will be home in the afternoon, so I don't have to worry about the long day with B on my own. We need someone to come live with us. Why, I ask, are all of my nieces and nephews so responsible and stable? If only there was one who needed a place to be for a few months, who would be willing to help out and just be part of this craziness? Any ideas?

I am going to pray for tomorrow to be filled with light, enough physical and mental strength to get me through the day, and a good appetite. Pray with me, will you?