What Happened to the Kitty?

Our kitty has a big bump on her head. A real goose-egg. I have no idea what happened and we are all concerned. Even Bennett is being nice to her frienemy, the cat. I am sure after a good night's sleep she will be fine, but it's still a little disconcerting. Bennett has a little cold, Pat has a sore throat, the cat got hurt who knows how, and I still have cancer.

That's the thing that gets me. I can have a really good day, like today, and when I sit to write I think, oh yeah, I have cancer. I still wonder how that can be. It's a little like the cat - what the hell happened? At least with her, I can be pretty sure she is going to be better in the morning and by tomorrow night she will be torturing the mice in the cemetery behind the house. Me, I probably won't be up to catching mice until next summer.

I did have a nice day today. I thought since I had such a great day yesterday, I wouldn't have to take the anti-anxiety meds. Ha! I took them yesterday, why did I think today would be any different? Even Magical Mary Ann, told me to take the meds. I thought she would want me to only use some fancy breathing trick, but no. So, I took the meds again this morning and it does make a huge difference. The little pill lets me have my day. B and I hung out for a long time just watching Dora and cuddling. Then I went to get a new phone (my old one was acting weird and the idea of not having a phone is scary for me), went to the park until it rained so hard we had to leave. Then more cuddling and Dora. Until Auntie Ruth and Theo took B to the farm for the very last pick up. I happen to know they saw BFF Avy there and played a game called "dangerous truck." The amount of sand that came out of Bennett's hair at bath time can attest to the fun they must have had.

I, on the other hand, had a delicious nap and played word games on the iPaddy for about an hour afterwards. It was the perfect break. I nap now with my iPad playing wave sounds. I always have the radio on classical and I listen to podcasts when I get to the studio. My mom was right, it just makes life richer to have sound around all the time. I think the wave sound keeps some part of my mind busy so that I don't have as many of the bad thoughts.

I still have the bad thoughts. They are there and I am pretty sure I will never be rid of them. That's okay, as long as I can try to befriend them - to take the power away. They are part of me, after all. I really hate to admit it, but they are. It seems silly that I would have to go through cancer and actually believe that I could get away with not having scary repetitive thoughts and bad dreams. Another surprise.

The one thing that really surprised me the other day, is that I knew some of the things that were going to happen to me - the hair, the nausea, being bone tired, etc, - I just didn't know they were all going to happen at once. I thought I would get the chance to tackle them one at a time. Not so, my friends. They are all happening at the same time. Who knew? To have a couple of good days seems like such a gift. I will take these gifts and thank God and the universe for them. Remind myself of all the good things I have in between the bad thoughts, fatigue and nightmares. So, thank you God and I'll take another.

A Little Bit of Pain and Anger

I am pretty much a mess today. I feel awful and tired. I am sitting on the floor trying to get some gas out- but it is so stubborn. My belly feels like there are tiny little mice with sharp teeth and claws running around in there. The docs said GasX, it doesn't really help. I read online that there is the kind of gas that you burp and the kind that is lower and that controlling the lower kind is difficult. No kidding. Oh, and the website (for a cancer hospital, I can't remember which one) also mentioned that it can be painful. Double no kidding.

This is not to say that I am online doing research about cancer- just chemo related gas. I did catch something about stages of colorectal cancer and that sent me into a small head spin. That is when I got out some fennel seed and started chewing, hoping against hope that it would work on the lower kind of gas. Because I want the gas to go away, I don't want to keep taking pain killers.

I haven't really been able to eat either. I was just going to say that I am not nauseous, but I am not sure that's true. Everything smells a little off and thinking about eating just makes me think "ewwww."

I haven't even mentioned how angry I am today. I am pretty mad. It seemed like my life was going pretty well, and bam! Now I can barely take care of Bennett. Monday is my day with her now that she is in school Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. And we had to call Aunt Liz to come get her, I just couldn't manage. That pisses me off. And you know what? it's not the cancer, it's the chemo. It feels really wrong to be mad at the chemo, when that is what is saving my life. You'd think I'd be normal and be mad at the cancer. Well, until a few short months ago, we seemed to be getting along just fine.

How twisted is this? It is how I feel though. I have at least four more chemo rounds to go - that's just until the next scan. My plan is for the docs to be so shocked that they 1) see only spontaneous remission, 2) order surgery to take out the little bits that remain. Let's all pray for #1, with #2 a good fall back.

That was my imperfect day. I can't even pep talk myself into feeling any better. I think it's time to do a little gratitude check with God. I'll keep you posted.