The Hard Poop

Yes, it's true. Last night I think I was in some sort of God induced calmness. Today, not as much. I haven't be suffering from the anxiety that I expect, but I have been a little out of sorts. Bennett is still a little sick and since she was out for so long yesterday, I thought it would be prudent to keep her indoors today. It was fun to just do puzzles, and I tried to teach her dominoes. She is so close to understanding taking turns and following the rules of the game. We played two successful hands then she wanted to build houses with the dominoes. Fine with me.

Another reason I might be out of sorts, I discovered the NYTimes crossword puzzle app for my Ipad. I never considered myself a crosswords puzzle doer. I am hooked. I have done about six puzzles since last night, and would have done more but the battery needed recharging. I will admit I have been choosing Monday puzzles- the easiest, but for me to complete a puzzle when I've never been able to finish even one in People magazine, it feels pretty good. And it keeps me from thinking about being cut open and death.

I have to say, also, that I have not had time to listen to my visualization tapes for two days. I think this is not good for me. I will listen tonight before bed. I will fall asleep to them, but that's okay, it still going into my brain.

We are looking to borrow a treadmill for Jan and Feb - to aid in my recovery. Anyone have one that is collecting dust that we can use?

I am signing off now, I just don't have it in me to get into how I am feeling. Resigned and a little crappy - need I say more?

Why Didn't I Post?

I don't know. I could feel the difference in my mood today and I attribute part of it to not posting last night. The rest I give to the dreary weather and my general Monday anxiety. We had a home day, which we both sorely needed. Not that I get out that much, but it was nice not to go anywhere and have B stay in her PJs all day long. She had a slight fever, so it was good to be home so I could coax her into taking her tylenol and drinking tons of fluids.

Today she added containers of Playdoh to the Christmas tree. Not under, but on the tree. I think this tree is just going to end up with lots of weird decorations. We have two bags of presents under the tree. Both bags were left at the front door with no way to tell who they are from. So, if it was one of you guys, thanks. Really, it's nice to be the recipients of such generosity. I just truly wish I knew who to thank.

I am incredibly anxious about the surgery today. I had to take extra Atavan. As an aside, I had an interesting conversation with my acupuncturist about Atavan. She told me of this woman she admired who had cancer, terrible anxiety and a lot of clarity about how important it was to take her anti-anxiety meds. She was just really accepting of the fact that they made her life a whole lot easier and better and she didn't have any qualms about taking them. I have been trying to channel that kind of ease around my meds. So today when my now 5am half an Atavan stopped working around 2, I took another half and my life was so much better.

Did I write about the 5am Atavan? I don't think so. My therapist told me that the key to anxiety, pain and nausea is to stay ahead of them. If you get too far into any one of them, it's hard for the meds to catch up. So she suggested that since I wake at around 5 every morning anyway, to not wait until I felt the anxiety, but to just take half an Atavan under my tongue and go back to bed. It works like a charm. Now I can actually go back to sleep and wake up not anxious. I think my therapist knows a lot of tricks about drugs. I like that.

I think I will be less anxious about the surgery after my appointment with the surgeon on Friday. I keep reminding myself that these guys are experts at pain management. My mom, who had her hips replaced, said that she felt very well taken care of pain-wise. She also mentioned that the pre-op is handled very well, very gently. I hope that will be true at UMASS too.

I have to go now. All of this is making me want to cry. Crying without eyelashes is very messy. You wouldn't believe how big tears really are until they are no longer filtered through lashes. I hope you never have to find this out.

Post 111

This is my 111th post. I can't believe it. I think 110 posts ago, I thought I would be dead by now. Cancer has such a bad reputation, that it's hard not to think you are going to drop dead at any moment. I supposed that might be true if you had a bad heart or something, but my guess is if I am going to die, they will let me know a few weeks or months ahead of time.

My God how did I get onto that subject. I have had a worrying day. Not for you to worry about, but I have been worrying. What about? Mostly silly things like is my head going to be cold while I am in the hospital? My hair looks so bad, I am worried about not being in control of having a hat on all the time. This strange vanity is also a bit worrying, now that I think about it. I just have to give it all up to God. That's the answer, and I know it. I have to give up the parts that I can't control - like how Pat is going to manage. She totally will, but I hate to think of all she is going to have to do. I am worried that Bennett is going to accidentally hurt me while I am healing. I am afraid that Pat will get snowed in while visiting me at the hospital, I am worried that I am going to have to spend so many hours alone at the hospital, I am worried that they will open me up and find something they didn't know about and just have to sew me back up. This is just the tip of the worry-berg.

It's funny to go from one day of feeling groovy, to the next of not feeling that groovy at all. I feel like saying that fear is a fickle friend, but I am not sure that makes any sense. I guess it means that today fear was a visiting, and yesterday he must have been at someone else's house.

On the brighter side. We got our tree today. It's little- only just over 5 ft. Bennett was more interested in playing on the playground where we got the tree than getting the tree, but once we got the box of ornaments out, she was totally into it. She hung most of the ornaments- luckily most of them are plastic.

No one else is up right now, so here I am with the tree. Take a moment to notice just by my right (to you) ear the sock hanging on the tree. When we ran out of ornaments, B decided she would start hanging the laundry on the tree. We stopped her at two socks.

B also found two of her presents today and does not believe me that Santa took all of the Amazon.com boxes with him to wrap the presents and will bring them back on Christmas morning. Boy, it is hard to wait for Christmas when the concept of time is so abstract.

That's all for today. I am going to go with my intuition and not ask the surgeon to say affirmations. I am going to believe with all my heart that God and you all will be watching over me that day and the he (the surgeon) needs to do his job unhindered.  It just seems like the experts should be doing what they are supposed to be doing. You guys praying and sending light, the surgeon operating. Right? Right.

3 More Days + Chemo Tomorrow

How can it be that I have to wait for test results and have chemo at the same time? It seems like the meanest combination of things. My friend Kathy sent this article about how hard it is to wait for test results and it is true. I am not sure that I agree that it is better to know a hard diagnosis than to wait, but I know both are super hard. That's putting it mildly, really it all totally bites.

I had an incredibly anxious morning and it was especially difficult because I could almost call yesterday a serene day. The contrast made today's anxiety even harder. I had acupuncture which was again sort of mysterious. I asked a lot of questions this time. I thought she would put the needles in exactly the same places as last time, but no. This time the she did a organ detox which involved a bunch of needles up and down either side of my spine, one in my foot, and one on the side of my neck. It was really interesting and relaxing. Those needles stayed in for 15 minutes and then she did some acupuncture where she just put the needles in and out - in my knees, shins and the tops of my feet. I don't know if all of this detail is interesting, but since acupuncture is so new and mysterious to me, I want to tell about it. It's not like reflexology or Reiki which are so immediate and hands on. This is almost more of a leap of faith for me. I would have thought it would be the opposite - another mystery, another leap of faith.

I have chemo tomorrow. I am really praying for good WBC counts so that we can keep going. I have felt pretty good to very good for the past two weeks. Of course lots of naps help and Pat has been really concentrating on making sure I eat and have lots of tea. It really makes a difference because I forget to eat and when she hands me a bowl of warm pumpkin custard with cream on it, I just eat it and it even tastes good. I hardly ever think of opening the refrigerator, it just doesn't cross my mind. Jaw dropping, I know.

Pat and Bennett are making cookie dough right now. I can count on hot almond cookies later. I'll give you an update on my weight tomorrow. I have been trying really hard to maintain and even gain weight. Last time I was at the doc, I had gained four pounds. I would like to have that be true again. I am not feeling quite as gaunt as I was. That is a good thing.

Okay everyone one, it's that time again. Light and prayers for a good chemo please. Thank you from the bottom of my heart, I couldn't have made this far without your prayers, help and light. You all are my light.

Thanksgiving Eve

So, it's the night before Thanksgiving and all is quiet. Bennett is sleeping, Pat is poking around the kitchen and I am posting. Not much to report, except I have a new meditation recording that both times I listened to it, at the end I was hungry. I haven't been hungry in months. I have been eating what and when I need to, trying in many cases not to taste, but just to get it down. What is this hunger about? I don't know, but I ate and it was good. Don't get me wrong, I ate an Ensure shake that I make with peanut butter and ice cream - about 700 calories. I make one every day, and it is helping me maintain my weight. You'd think, what a treat, but after a few weeks, it's just another thing to get through - like all the pills.

I digress, the new mediation recording was sent home with Pat from our friend Bobbin, who scoured the library for healing books and CDs. I am going to have Pat listen to this one. It's intense because part of it is imagining one year from now, five years, ten years from now in a healthy body doing the things you love. It's the first time in a long time that I've thought even beyond the next year. Beyond chemo, surgery, pain, hospice, death. You all know, because you all are here with me.

I had a pretty good day. I walked the dog with Pat, came home and took a nap at 9am- I crashed for about an hour and half. That was a surprise. Then we picked up Bennett who had a half day at school, played with her, took another nap. This was not a sleeping nap, but listening to the above mentioned recordings. I am so grateful to have had enough energy to play blocks with B when I got up and then hang out with Aunt Ruth.

I am going to try to maintain an attitude of gratitude for the time being. Remind me if I slip back into gallows mode. Sometimes it's hard for me to get out of it without some pushing and pulling. I have it on good authority from my friend Kathy that gratitude can combat the chemical response of anxiety and fear. I will keep you posted.

Neulasta Day

So far, so good. I feel finer than I ever have after chemo. Tired and light-headed, still totally freaked out, I am guessing this is going to be the natural order of things, but good. I had enough energy to take Zeus out for a mid-afternoon walk, do a few chores, then nap for an hour.

Yesterday I treated myself to an Atavan-induced nap. It was lovely, but I don't want it to become a habit. Oh how easily it could become a habit. Blissful dreamless sleep. But today's nap was just as good and I am lucky to be able to have a daily nap.

The Neulasta made my scapulae sore, my spine a little yesterday and the base of my neck mostly all day today. And my left thigh bone has been bothering me, but I am not sure that's a WBC producing spot. Sue, the chemo nurse, said any long bones might hurt. My thigh bones are pretty long. Really all of my bones are pretty long. She mentioned the spine and sternum as prime spots for pain.

Tomorrow church in the morning. I hope the weather is okay. Last week the furnace in the church wasn't working and it was really cold in there. The church is really a gorgeous Gothic style brick building with intensely beautiful stained glass windows. I may become Episcopalian just for those windows alone. If you get a chance, you should check them out, they are that good.

I don't really have much else to report. Pat and Bennett are making cookie dough, I am on the futon posting and worrying. Worrying about what? I don't really know. See above about the (un)natural order of things

I will say a few things about how I have been really feeling lately. I have been in a state of missing things. Picking up b from school, being the person who takes b to swimming lessons, taking her to A-Z to pick out toys. Are we going to be able to have a Christmas tree year? I have been missing my friends and sitting around bs-ing, because I can't think of things to bs about anymore. If you want tot talk to me about cancer, I'm your girl. That I can go on and on about for hours. I want the bs back. How do I do that? I like hearing about what other people are up to, and what their kids are doing, but it is hard to relate a little bit. Four months into this, and God knows how many months to go, I feel like I am not inhabiting the same universe I used to. Anyone know how to get back? Or more realistically, is it possible to get back?

High Anxiety

What is the 9am anxiety all about? It hits me everyday between 6am and 9am. I just feel panic. Most days now I take a bit of anti-anxiety meds, and as I've said before, they really help. I just want to know why. I know the big why- the whole cancer thing, but this is different. I think. I wake up before everyone else, I worry about when they will wake up, I worry that I will be too anxious to be a good person when they wake up, I get anxious about worrying and the whole thing goes into some bizarre spiral. The last few mornings I've listened to my visualization tape, but that's really about healing and cancer and not about abating anxiety (note to self, get another tape) so it doesn't really help.

Why do I call it a tape? What is it when it's on your iPod but not a podcast?

I digress. What usually happens is Pat goes to work, I hang with Bennett and we end up having a fun and interesting day - just like today. I swear it's the weirdest thing, I get all panic-y, Pat leaves and 10 minutes later Bennett is playing or painting or begging for TV, and I am just being a Mom. Albeit a panic-y mom. At some point the Atavan kicks in and it's better. I still hate that I feel the need to take it, but it seems to make things more manageable.

What did we do today? Not much. B played alone for a long time this morning. I think she needed the alone time- she is with people all the time these days. I talked to my sister Mary, Sandy and Elizabeth. They all had to hear how anxious I was. It was like I had a good piece of gossip, only way less fun. I figured out how to message on Skype and other not that interesting things. We went to the park all afternoon. It was the first time I had spent more than an hour outside in months. I actually stayed at the park for about 2 1/2 hours. Thanks to Sandy for doing all the running after the kids when they went astray. The only time I got up to try to get B to do something, I had to sit back down from the head rush. So it was really sitting at the park only, but it felt so GOOD. So normal to sit with Sandy in the park while B and Avy played. So wonderful to hear the other kids play Harry Potter and try out their British accents. The sun was wonderful.

Sandy kept B at the park another 45 minutes, so I got in some knitting. I have to make more skull caps because there is no way I am going out without a hat at this point. No way. I got some gourmet vanilla in the mail from my sister's mother-in-law- just about the kindest person I've never met. I feel the love from her, honestly.

So this is not a very philosophical post. But today didn't feel like a philosophical day.  This is a good thing. Tomorrow I have the day to myself, which is a real gift. I have my first therapy appointment and I am so happy about it. I will tell you all about it tomorrow night. Until then, I am pooped out and have to zone out until it's not too embarrassing early to go to bed. I feel like I need to sign off by saying I love you all tonight. I can't get through this without each and every one of you. I really mean it. All of it.

Kitty Appears to be Fine

As suspected, Kitty looked much better today and seems pretty fine. She has a cut on her head that I've bravely cleaned out twice and now the goose-egg is gone. She is a tough nut, so she will be fine. Her infirmity reminds me of how fond of her I am. Honestly, most days I just ignore her, but she is a good kitty and I love her.

Another good day. A day filled with good activity and some worry. I am already starting to worry about chemo on Tuesday. Liz is going to take me, so that's all set and comforting. I think I am worried about how bad I am going to feel after treatment. I don't want to spend a lot of time horizontal again. I know it's part of the gig, but I am feeling so much better. I also know that I am feeling better because they reduced my dose again, so I am better able to tolerate it. I am very curious if they are going to give me the same dose, increase my dose and give me Nuelasta, or what? Some other possibility that I haven't thought of. Those oncologists like to keep me on my feet - or should I say off me feet...

Today I started off the day by accidentally taking too much anti-anxiety medication and I had to take a nap at 10am. Luckily Pat and Bennett were off on an adventure and my job was to stay home and rest anyway. I took it literally.  After that I did the laundry, worked for about an hour in the studio, took B to aunties' house and did a very minimal garden clean up. I worked in the garden with latex gloves and a surgical mask. I am not taking any chances. I just wanted to be able to pull into the drive without be accosted by drooping plants. I will do a full clean up in the spring and hope for the best. I try really hard not to leave anything to moulder in my tiny yard. Perhaps this is the year that my plants will learn to toughen up - be Holyoke plants.

I am exhausted to the bone. All this feeling good and doing stuff is tiring. I don't want to pretend that I am not having a hard time at all. There are moments that are super hard and I broke down while working in the studio. Poor Pat was working hard on getting the awning we built about five years ago up and I fall apart. There is no way of knowing when I am going to burst into tears these days. Pat says they are just part of the process. She is right and it does feel good to release the tears. It's just such a bummer.

Tomorrow I am going to the 8am service at St Paul's in Holyoke. I will let you know how it goes. I don't know anything about Episcopal churches, though my mom sent me links for information. I looked and they seem to be much more open to the world and I like that. I will let you know how it goes.

That's it for tonight. Goodnight everyone. And a special request to those who are shy about posting comments. Please do. I love them and they give me a real boost during the day when I check to see if there are any comments. I lap up every word - so please stop being shy and comment.

What Happened to the Kitty?

Our kitty has a big bump on her head. A real goose-egg. I have no idea what happened and we are all concerned. Even Bennett is being nice to her frienemy, the cat. I am sure after a good night's sleep she will be fine, but it's still a little disconcerting. Bennett has a little cold, Pat has a sore throat, the cat got hurt who knows how, and I still have cancer.

That's the thing that gets me. I can have a really good day, like today, and when I sit to write I think, oh yeah, I have cancer. I still wonder how that can be. It's a little like the cat - what the hell happened? At least with her, I can be pretty sure she is going to be better in the morning and by tomorrow night she will be torturing the mice in the cemetery behind the house. Me, I probably won't be up to catching mice until next summer.

I did have a nice day today. I thought since I had such a great day yesterday, I wouldn't have to take the anti-anxiety meds. Ha! I took them yesterday, why did I think today would be any different? Even Magical Mary Ann, told me to take the meds. I thought she would want me to only use some fancy breathing trick, but no. So, I took the meds again this morning and it does make a huge difference. The little pill lets me have my day. B and I hung out for a long time just watching Dora and cuddling. Then I went to get a new phone (my old one was acting weird and the idea of not having a phone is scary for me), went to the park until it rained so hard we had to leave. Then more cuddling and Dora. Until Auntie Ruth and Theo took B to the farm for the very last pick up. I happen to know they saw BFF Avy there and played a game called "dangerous truck." The amount of sand that came out of Bennett's hair at bath time can attest to the fun they must have had.

I, on the other hand, had a delicious nap and played word games on the iPaddy for about an hour afterwards. It was the perfect break. I nap now with my iPad playing wave sounds. I always have the radio on classical and I listen to podcasts when I get to the studio. My mom was right, it just makes life richer to have sound around all the time. I think the wave sound keeps some part of my mind busy so that I don't have as many of the bad thoughts.

I still have the bad thoughts. They are there and I am pretty sure I will never be rid of them. That's okay, as long as I can try to befriend them - to take the power away. They are part of me, after all. I really hate to admit it, but they are. It seems silly that I would have to go through cancer and actually believe that I could get away with not having scary repetitive thoughts and bad dreams. Another surprise.

The one thing that really surprised me the other day, is that I knew some of the things that were going to happen to me - the hair, the nausea, being bone tired, etc, - I just didn't know they were all going to happen at once. I thought I would get the chance to tackle them one at a time. Not so, my friends. They are all happening at the same time. Who knew? To have a couple of good days seems like such a gift. I will take these gifts and thank God and the universe for them. Remind myself of all the good things I have in between the bad thoughts, fatigue and nightmares. So, thank you God and I'll take another.

Tuesday

Today was an odd day. I woke up from nightmares with a beating heart and super anxiety. It was late and I had to wake B up for school. Luckily, I got her to school on time, walked Zeus and tried to quell my anxiety through blown ears. It worked a little. Then I remembered what my mother said - to take my meds and stop torturing myself. So, day two of taking a tiny dose of anti-anxiety medication during the day. It helped and I ended up getting quite a bit done today.

This is what I did. I waited a full two hours from my ears to some back. I have to sit to get them back so I watched a sort of calming cooking show on Hulu called Avec Eric. I am sure there is something about me and all the food TV I watch while I can't really eat anything. I got the house ready for the cleaning lady. I organized most of B's clothes, worked in the studio for an hour while listening to a Podcast. (Another tip from my mom, never be in a quiet house if you are anxious.). Took a nap for 45 minutes then it was time for B&P to come home. It was a nice day, with an email and call about local churches that are gay-friendly. I am going to try St Paul's this weekend, and maybe the UCC down by the War Memorial in Holyoke next.

Pat and Bennett came home after stopping at the park and carved the pumpkin our friend Sally brought to us. Here it is.

I have to say, I am pretty tired from all the anxiety and the not being anxious in an odd way. It is odd to know what's happening is still happening and not have the physical symptoms of anxiety. I have had weeks like this on my own, but something very deep is triggered in me these days. I guess I just need a little help. Oh, and I also called two more therapists today. We'll see if I ever get one. These two are recommendations twice removed from the original recommendation from my former, very loved therapist. I'm trying to find someone who takes my insurance. There are names that I have that sound incredible, sort of local cancer therapist celebrities who do not take my insurance. I don't have any idea - but I bet they are in order of $150/hour. I just can't swing that. Really, who can? I suppose I should just call and ask, I'll let you know.

Tonight will be a quiet one. I need to just be spent on the couch with Pat and Top Chef.

Some Sunday

Today I went to church. I decided that I wanted to go to church this summer and Pat and I tried one. We didn't like it that much, and Bennett kept thinking we were going to the circus. "Where the circus, mama?" What a disappointment! So we didn't go back and took an inadvertent break.

We have a Lutheran Church down the street and I thought I'd give it a shot. I went by myself this time. It was very pleasant. I don't know what the Lutherans are about, but the pastor was super accessible and the service was interesting enough to keep me attentive. I'll go back next week and see what's it's like again. There may have been a touch too much about all of us as sinners for my taste, so I have to find out if that was just the sermon or the flavor of the church.

It was a big deal to go by myself. I wanted to go back to bed so bad, but then I joined Pat and B on the drive to Trader Joe's. I sat in the car and talked to my sister, Mary, while Pat did the shopping and B did the snacking. Mary is going to Africa next week for a seven days. I am going to miss our talks a lot, but good for her for getting away and relaxing. She's going to need to soak in all that warmth for when she comes back here in November or December. I am already looking forward to that visit.

After TJ's, B went to Aunt Liz and Aunt Jewwelie's for an afternoon of fun. Pat and I got to take a nap, I didn't really sleep, but was plagued by the bad voices. Mostly about what actually happens when a person dies "from cancer." I had a very poignant and helpful conversation with my mom who helped me understand that it tends to be a shutting down of the system - or as I put it, organ failure. My mom assured me that my father (who died from cancer) had a peaceful death and that the hospice angels made it that way. It was very very comforting and sad.

We then had a long conversation about the use of anti-anxiety meds. My doc has been telling me to take them as often as every four hours- that is Atavan or Lorazepam. I really try not to, thinking that I am cheating. I now believe that if I need to take something to stop myself for torturing myself (as my mom put it), that it is not cheating. So guess what? After I hung up the phone I took half a does and it made the entire evening more pleasant - and I believe more pleasant for everyone. And I am not torturing myself at all right now and it feels really good.

More good news is we finally found a home for the fish tank. Thanks for the always generous and fearless Aunt Liz. It is be a huge relief not to have to worry about the sheer neglect of those beings anymore. Thank goodness. They will go to their new home this week, phew.

And that's about it. Read books to B, posting, going to watch a little Top Chef season three and go to bed. All in all not a bad day. I think I am over the hump of being chemo-ized. I will know more tomorrow- and so will you.

The Days Get Better

Ask and you shall receive, that is the lesson for me today. I asked my friend Ruth for help to better understand if I was lying (thanks, Mom) in bed because I was chemo-ized or paralyzed from fear. It turns out the answer is both, but she helped me work out a lot of my fear. It's hard and exhausting work to try to get to the kernel of what is going on. Nothing that is much of a surprise. Mostly afraid of the amorphous future and dying.

Fricking, fracking, wily fear. You are not welcome here. GO away.

And mostly it did. Thank God. I truly mean it, thank God. I was so filled with fear I couldn't really move without worrying that I was going to break. Literally break into a million pieces. I guess that what writers mean when they say someone is shattered. I felt like that would happen to me if I moved too quickly. So, again, there was crying and gnashing of teeth, then there was a peaceful walk around the neighborhood and some other realizations. I have been spending too much time by myself. What to do about that is hard to know. I am not up for a job, and mostly everyone has a job. I'll keep you posted. I bet if I don't feel like I am paralyzed by fear, it will be easier to get into the studio. That's being alone, but it's not lonely.

While I finished my walk I realized I would be home alone, so I called Pat to see if she could come home with Bennett. We all arrived home at the same time. A lovelier afternoon than expected, a nice time talking with Pat while Bennett consumed her weight in noodles. Some excellent soup and reading books to B before bed. That feels like getting my life back. What's nice is not feeling the fear pumping through my chest all of the time. I thought that was the chemo. I am very tired, a good physical tired, from the walk and the crying. It's a nice change from being stunned.

No Title Today

You might want to get your tissues out for this one. I know I have mine. No, nothing happened, I did not get any bad news. I did spend the day very sad. So I thought I would post about it. It's all well and good to try to present as well and good, but some days are just very hard.

I was weepy all day. Just sad as can be. I thought the thoughts I didn't want to think and they did me in. I thought a lot about loss and how hard it would be for Pat and Bennett if I died. That is enough to get me going again. What would happen to my piles of artwork, what would happen if Pat decided to sell this place where we live? What would happen to Bennett's heart - would it break in an irreparable way? What about my people, all of my people, what happens to them? I become another story of someone they knew who died from cancer. Why are there so many of these f*ing stories?

Fear and anxiety have been my companions today. They were not invited, but they came anyway. They seem to have a key to the house. Bastards.

Then I went to reflexology with the Magic Maryann. She told me to think of life like a Japanese garden - you can only see the next ten steps, and the next steps will only be revealed with each step taken. I get into real trouble when I get ahead of myself. I am not dead. I am not dying. I am certainly not dying in the next ten days (barring some unfortunate accident, which could happen to any of us, blah blah blah). Bennett will be the blazing spirit on this earth that she is no matter what happens.

Pat reminds me that we have to believe that I am going to live. And that reminds me that I have to do things like place the books order for Bennett's class and call the drywall guy to do the Gallery. And, for goodness sakes, find a therapist. I have been trying, but the one I called today lost her husband to cancer and I didn't think she would make a good match for me. I want someone who has a spouse who lived. I want my therapist to think that cancer is something we survive. Period.

I will quote my mother again - I don't want to die, I just want to know what happens. My mother is going to be 82 in March, God bless her, and I want her to find out what happens too. I want us all to know what happens. Enough said.

Another Not Goodbye

This is my great sister, Janna, who came to visit today. This was definitely not a Good Bye visit. This was about as "hello" as you can get. Super fun and interesting, this sister of mine. I can't wait to see her again, for longer. And the very least at the family reunion in July - which feels so far away from now. I can't even imagine what kinds of things will happen between now and then. Don't get me started.

This is me showing my receding hairline and Janna showing off her gray that looks blond to me. We took a drive to see Mt Holyoke College and Smith College. The campuses looked beautiful with some orange and red trees and their glorious brick and stone buildings. 

Tomorrow is chemo. It's on my mind. I am a little worried, even though I have to say the two weeks between this chemo and last have been pretty good. I have had only one or two days that left me feeling less than human. I have had fear and anxiety, but that's not the chemo. The days that I had to spend in bed - that is the chemo. So I hope you will all send good chemo healing prayers and thoughts my way tomorrow. And here is Bennett showing us her ducky slipper.

I've Got Life On My Mind

All day today I've been a little jittery. Just feeling really good physically and able to do much more than even yesterday. It makes me a little nervous. You know, when is it going to end? Am I going to do something to mess it up? Eat the wrong thing? Forget to take my meds? Over do it? All things that are super easy to do when you are just a little jittery but feeling physically finer than usual.

I figured out why I have been so jittery. It will come as no surprise that how long I am going to live is really on my mind. I can usually remind myself that no one has any guarantees, etc., but today (and yesterday) that comfort has been elusive. So it finally struck me while I was reading a Dora book to Bennett, yes, I am going to live. As a matter of fact I am living right now. Does the actual number of years I get in the future really matter. Not really. It's all so abstract - why not be here, now? It was like a bolt of lightening hit me - all that worrying just getting in the way. For what? For nothing, that's what. I will never know the answer, none of us do. We all hope for a good 80 or 90 or 100 years, but none of us knows. While this might scare the crap out of you, it makes me feel so much better.

Just like this blog makes me feel better. It's like a layer of anxiety washes off of me every night when I post. It's freeing to be able to write how I feel and know that people I love will read it and feel it with me. I have to acknowledge that I am asking you all to do something that is hard - to come on this journey with me. It's not been easy, and it will get harder. But then it will get easier again, so hang in there. Thank you all so much for your well wishes and your offers of help. I am overwhelmed with gratitude and will call on you when we need help. For now we are muddling through and plan on hiring someone to come clean a couple of times a month. That will help so much.

I'll keep you posted.