Tuesday

Today was an odd day. I woke up from nightmares with a beating heart and super anxiety. It was late and I had to wake B up for school. Luckily, I got her to school on time, walked Zeus and tried to quell my anxiety through blown ears. It worked a little. Then I remembered what my mother said - to take my meds and stop torturing myself. So, day two of taking a tiny dose of anti-anxiety medication during the day. It helped and I ended up getting quite a bit done today.

This is what I did. I waited a full two hours from my ears to some back. I have to sit to get them back so I watched a sort of calming cooking show on Hulu called Avec Eric. I am sure there is something about me and all the food TV I watch while I can't really eat anything. I got the house ready for the cleaning lady. I organized most of B's clothes, worked in the studio for an hour while listening to a Podcast. (Another tip from my mom, never be in a quiet house if you are anxious.). Took a nap for 45 minutes then it was time for B&P to come home. It was a nice day, with an email and call about local churches that are gay-friendly. I am going to try St Paul's this weekend, and maybe the UCC down by the War Memorial in Holyoke next.

Pat and Bennett came home after stopping at the park and carved the pumpkin our friend Sally brought to us. Here it is.

I have to say, I am pretty tired from all the anxiety and the not being anxious in an odd way. It is odd to know what's happening is still happening and not have the physical symptoms of anxiety. I have had weeks like this on my own, but something very deep is triggered in me these days. I guess I just need a little help. Oh, and I also called two more therapists today. We'll see if I ever get one. These two are recommendations twice removed from the original recommendation from my former, very loved therapist. I'm trying to find someone who takes my insurance. There are names that I have that sound incredible, sort of local cancer therapist celebrities who do not take my insurance. I don't have any idea - but I bet they are in order of $150/hour. I just can't swing that. Really, who can? I suppose I should just call and ask, I'll let you know.

Tonight will be a quiet one. I need to just be spent on the couch with Pat and Top Chef.

Some Sunday

Today I went to church. I decided that I wanted to go to church this summer and Pat and I tried one. We didn't like it that much, and Bennett kept thinking we were going to the circus. "Where the circus, mama?" What a disappointment! So we didn't go back and took an inadvertent break.

We have a Lutheran Church down the street and I thought I'd give it a shot. I went by myself this time. It was very pleasant. I don't know what the Lutherans are about, but the pastor was super accessible and the service was interesting enough to keep me attentive. I'll go back next week and see what's it's like again. There may have been a touch too much about all of us as sinners for my taste, so I have to find out if that was just the sermon or the flavor of the church.

It was a big deal to go by myself. I wanted to go back to bed so bad, but then I joined Pat and B on the drive to Trader Joe's. I sat in the car and talked to my sister, Mary, while Pat did the shopping and B did the snacking. Mary is going to Africa next week for a seven days. I am going to miss our talks a lot, but good for her for getting away and relaxing. She's going to need to soak in all that warmth for when she comes back here in November or December. I am already looking forward to that visit.

After TJ's, B went to Aunt Liz and Aunt Jewwelie's for an afternoon of fun. Pat and I got to take a nap, I didn't really sleep, but was plagued by the bad voices. Mostly about what actually happens when a person dies "from cancer." I had a very poignant and helpful conversation with my mom who helped me understand that it tends to be a shutting down of the system - or as I put it, organ failure. My mom assured me that my father (who died from cancer) had a peaceful death and that the hospice angels made it that way. It was very very comforting and sad.

We then had a long conversation about the use of anti-anxiety meds. My doc has been telling me to take them as often as every four hours- that is Atavan or Lorazepam. I really try not to, thinking that I am cheating. I now believe that if I need to take something to stop myself for torturing myself (as my mom put it), that it is not cheating. So guess what? After I hung up the phone I took half a does and it made the entire evening more pleasant - and I believe more pleasant for everyone. And I am not torturing myself at all right now and it feels really good.

More good news is we finally found a home for the fish tank. Thanks for the always generous and fearless Aunt Liz. It is be a huge relief not to have to worry about the sheer neglect of those beings anymore. Thank goodness. They will go to their new home this week, phew.

And that's about it. Read books to B, posting, going to watch a little Top Chef season three and go to bed. All in all not a bad day. I think I am over the hump of being chemo-ized. I will know more tomorrow- and so will you.

Super Saturday

I feel almost guilty posting today. There isn't really anything to report. Pat assures me that not having anything to report, is in fact, something to report. I feel really good and it's been 36 hours of feeling good. Yay, I am crossing my fingers it stays this way for a lot longer than 36 hours.

We are still cleaning like mad. I should say my contribution is limited; Pat is madly vacuuming, Mary is at the shops getting a ton of supplies for us. I am not sure about how I feel about going to the grocery store at this point and Pat is only one person. She does so much. I guess this is what everyone talks about asking for help. And it's wonderful to have Mary here to help so much. Not to mention everyone else who helps us every week with Bennett, chemo, mental health check-ins. It's all so good.

Bennett is watching Dora and I am posting after we feasted on chicken soup sent from a cancer survivor friend. Fantastic to eat some soup made by someone who fought such a tough fight and is living fully. It's like liquid life.

We moved, I use "we" loosely, furniture into the new bedroom this morning. Now I have a lovely place to go when I need time to myself. We are billing the room as anyone can sleep there, but I secretly believe it's my room. Light and bright, filled with the love put into it by everyone who helped build and paint. The only problem with that room is it makes me feel like every other room in the house needs to be gutted and redone. Ridiculous considering I don't really have the energy to do the laundry.

Yes, I am still tired after all the rest I've had. I think it's just going to be my state for awhile. It's a weird kind of tired, not sleepy, not really fatigue, just moving slow and when I do I want to sit down. I am beginning to think it's a component of fear, but I am not sure. Moving too quickly might make me panicky? I don't know. I mostly just feel like napping and watching Top Chef. Not really the way to live this precious life. So I lay down a little here and there and I keep the Top Chef for before bed. I think I am sending Mary home addicted. Whoops.

Still looking toward my chemo on Wednesday and making lots of WBC until then. I love all the thoughts, crossed fingers and prayers coming my way. I can feel them, I really can.