This is what I did. I waited a full two hours from my ears to some back. I have to sit to get them back so I watched a sort of calming cooking show on Hulu called Avec Eric. I am sure there is something about me and all the food TV I watch while I can't really eat anything. I got the house ready for the cleaning lady. I organized most of B's clothes, worked in the studio for an hour while listening to a Podcast. (Another tip from my mom, never be in a quiet house if you are anxious.). Took a nap for 45 minutes then it was time for B&P to come home. It was a nice day, with an email and call about local churches that are gay-friendly. I am going to try St Paul's this weekend, and maybe the UCC down by the War Memorial in Holyoke next.
Pat and Bennett came home after stopping at the park and carved the pumpkin our friend Sally brought to us. Here it is.
I have to say, I am pretty tired from all the anxiety and the not being anxious in an odd way. It is odd to know what's happening is still happening and not have the physical symptoms of anxiety. I have had weeks like this on my own, but something very deep is triggered in me these days. I guess I just need a little help. Oh, and I also called two more therapists today. We'll see if I ever get one. These two are recommendations twice removed from the original recommendation from my former, very loved therapist. I'm trying to find someone who takes my insurance. There are names that I have that sound incredible, sort of local cancer therapist celebrities who do not take my insurance. I don't have any idea - but I bet they are in order of $150/hour. I just can't swing that. Really, who can? I suppose I should just call and ask, I'll let you know.
Tonight will be a quiet one. I need to just be spent on the couch with Pat and Top Chef.
Bob and I call watching cooking shows on TV while we're on a strict diet "food porn." Some of the slickly produced Food Network shows even have soundtracks that are strikingly similar to late-night Cinemax.
ReplyDeleteHappy the tiny dose of anti-anxiety meds are helping. Your mom's a smart lady. And I like her gentle recommendation that you stop torturing yourself.
Praying for some good finds in your pursuit of therapists and healing communities.
The picture of B and the Pumpkin is lovely.
Must be something about midle age and cooking shows. Perhaps it's empty nest syndrom and cooking shows for me. i can't beleive Katie is going to be 21. I love seeing Bennett romping about at Snow Farm, it reminds me of when Katie was that age and she played in the grass and chased the the bugs around the septic mound. She would watch out the windows in the lunch room after dinner ( thats when they fly) and run out swatting and swinging her arm around trying to catch them. Sweet. She left last night with her boyfriend on a road trip to Florida. She battled anxiety for years after starting her period. Sort of threw her off. I did everthing to keep her off anxiety meds. Luckily she had a therapist, who wasn't afraid of me, she explained the importance of the drugs and how Katies life was being stolen from her because she couldn't function. If you balance them correctly they can do wonders. My favorite photo is of Katie playing on that mound at SF. It is a wonderous place for children...lucky Bennett! I also gave into their powers and flew to Guatemala after nine years on the ground. Trapped by my own fears. Good for you for listening to your mom...they do know best!! Karen B
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