Thanksgiving Eve

So, it's the night before Thanksgiving and all is quiet. Bennett is sleeping, Pat is poking around the kitchen and I am posting. Not much to report, except I have a new meditation recording that both times I listened to it, at the end I was hungry. I haven't been hungry in months. I have been eating what and when I need to, trying in many cases not to taste, but just to get it down. What is this hunger about? I don't know, but I ate and it was good. Don't get me wrong, I ate an Ensure shake that I make with peanut butter and ice cream - about 700 calories. I make one every day, and it is helping me maintain my weight. You'd think, what a treat, but after a few weeks, it's just another thing to get through - like all the pills.

I digress, the new mediation recording was sent home with Pat from our friend Bobbin, who scoured the library for healing books and CDs. I am going to have Pat listen to this one. It's intense because part of it is imagining one year from now, five years, ten years from now in a healthy body doing the things you love. It's the first time in a long time that I've thought even beyond the next year. Beyond chemo, surgery, pain, hospice, death. You all know, because you all are here with me.

I had a pretty good day. I walked the dog with Pat, came home and took a nap at 9am- I crashed for about an hour and half. That was a surprise. Then we picked up Bennett who had a half day at school, played with her, took another nap. This was not a sleeping nap, but listening to the above mentioned recordings. I am so grateful to have had enough energy to play blocks with B when I got up and then hang out with Aunt Ruth.

I am going to try to maintain an attitude of gratitude for the time being. Remind me if I slip back into gallows mode. Sometimes it's hard for me to get out of it without some pushing and pulling. I have it on good authority from my friend Kathy that gratitude can combat the chemical response of anxiety and fear. I will keep you posted.