And when I think about it, it totally freaks me out. It's not on my mind all the time, but when it is I have two modes. 1) The cancer didn't respond, has grown five times its size in the past four months, there is no hope, go home. 2) Super results, let's keep going and head towards surgery. I am sure it's really something in between. Some results, need more chemo, let's tweak the drugs, etc.
This is the first time I've done this so I feel pretty scared. I know that is not a new thing to post, but this feels different. Mostly my fear has been of the great unknown, this is about a specific test and what we are going to do based on it. I know this test is not going to tell me how long I am going to live, because this test did not involve a crystal ball, but it will definitely let us know if we are on the right track. It doesn't help that the type of cancer I have is KRAS Mutant type - which means it's a bit more drug resistant. I just went to find a link for you and now am having a mild panic attack, no joke. You'll just have to do the research on your own and not tell me about it. I've already told you what I know- that it is drug resistant, and they are looking for ways to get around that.
So, now I have to get myself out of the panic I haven't felt all day. I will talk about my day instead. Started with a nice morning of playing on the Ipad with B, went to the park for a couple of hours with a nice visit from Aunt Ruth, came home and hung out with B until Pat got home for a few hours. Read Christmas stories to Bennett for bedtime and she said "I want Santa to come to this home." She was totally psyched when I told her that he would be coming in a few weeks.
Let's hope that my visualizing Dr B as a saint will help the Universe know that I need some hopeful news. I really really really really need some hopeful news. I can't believe that I looked at the Internet, by doing that I really screwed up the peaceful way I was feeling. That I why I can't go on the Internet. I think I have to go have a good cry now.
Whatever you read on the Internet is a generalization--it's not an account of your life. I don't go there either to research about the type of cancer you have, because I want our relationship to be about you, not what has happened to other people. I hope you sleep peacefully tonight.
ReplyDeleteIn addition to the article I sent you yesterday, I'd also read an article stating that people who do their own health-related research on the internet tend to find that doing so increases their fear and anxiety. Another DUH article, as far as I'm concerned, but also scientific backup for you. Don't do it. Like Julie said, nothing on the internet is about you, your particular cancer, your treatment plan, and your body. You can let your doctors do the research and free your mind to focus on the positive. Peace, peace, peace to you!
ReplyDeleteKathy