I Hate This Blog

I hate that I have this blog, because it means I have cancer. I just read the Five Stage of Grief and I am so in stage two that I am embarrassed.


Anger – "Why me? It's not fair!"; "How can this happen to me?"; "Who is to blame?" Once in the second stage, the individual recognizes that denial cannot continue. Because of anger, the person is very difficult to care for due to misplaced feelings of rage and envy. Any individual that symbolizes life or energy is subject to projected resentment and jealousy.


There it is. My shame. I have nothing else to say except it's not a nice place to be in - to feel so much jealousy and anger. It brings me to sad bitter tears. I feel like such a meany, so unChristian-like, so sad. I know it must be normal if it's written down, but  I still don't like it. And now that I read it again, I am not sure I am  "very difficult to care for." And it's not true that any individual is a target for me. Mostly I feel jealous of freedom of movement - both literal and metaphorical. I feel weak and fatigued so I can't do much. I have a lot of crap going around in my head, so even if I can move I can't get away from myself. My head. My crap-filled head.


I didn't post last night because I just needed a night where I didn't have to end up crying in front of the computer or really digging into how I am feeling. I just needed a night with a stupid movie and Pat and for those two hours I honestly forgot that I am a cancer patient who has a ton of anxiety and fear and fatigue. I was just a person watching a semi-funny movie. Is that too much to ask?


As you all know, this blog has just about saved my sanity, but I might be going through a phase where it's hard for me to bare all. Or maybe not, because this seems pretty much like baring it all.

I've Got Life On My Mind

All day today I've been a little jittery. Just feeling really good physically and able to do much more than even yesterday. It makes me a little nervous. You know, when is it going to end? Am I going to do something to mess it up? Eat the wrong thing? Forget to take my meds? Over do it? All things that are super easy to do when you are just a little jittery but feeling physically finer than usual.

I figured out why I have been so jittery. It will come as no surprise that how long I am going to live is really on my mind. I can usually remind myself that no one has any guarantees, etc., but today (and yesterday) that comfort has been elusive. So it finally struck me while I was reading a Dora book to Bennett, yes, I am going to live. As a matter of fact I am living right now. Does the actual number of years I get in the future really matter. Not really. It's all so abstract - why not be here, now? It was like a bolt of lightening hit me - all that worrying just getting in the way. For what? For nothing, that's what. I will never know the answer, none of us do. We all hope for a good 80 or 90 or 100 years, but none of us knows. While this might scare the crap out of you, it makes me feel so much better.

Just like this blog makes me feel better. It's like a layer of anxiety washes off of me every night when I post. It's freeing to be able to write how I feel and know that people I love will read it and feel it with me. I have to acknowledge that I am asking you all to do something that is hard - to come on this journey with me. It's not been easy, and it will get harder. But then it will get easier again, so hang in there. Thank you all so much for your well wishes and your offers of help. I am overwhelmed with gratitude and will call on you when we need help. For now we are muddling through and plan on hiring someone to come clean a couple of times a month. That will help so much.

I'll keep you posted.