Getting Ready

Today was a day that I used to get ready. I ordered a bunch of things on line so I can have them before the surgery - nightshirts, sleeping hats, dog foods. You can get everything on line, I swear. I filled out a bunch of paperwork that has been waiting, waiting for what? Who knows. The right moment when I didn't feel a paralyzing sense that I didn't need to do the paperwork because I was going to be dead anyway. Super depressing, but true. Some days I just feel the future and some days I don't. Today I did- and even told my therapist that this cancer is not going to kill me and truly felt it. It was very freeing.

I also went through every single Amazon.com box that has arrived in the past several weeks. I thought they were all Christmas presents. As it turns out, some of them were just gifts. Like a nice heating pad from my sister and niece, Libby. She is not both my sister and my niece, you understand.  Also some great books and this wild hat from Tanta Di.

Who needs real hair? The tag says not for children under the age of 14. I've never seen a tag like that before.

So, after going through the boxes, I ended up only having four things to wrap and put under the tree. I did cheat and keep out the incredible shearling slippers my sister, Joanne, sent. They are not waiting two more weeks to keep my feet toasty, no way. With only four things under the tree, I felt the need to go shopping. And, as you know, I haven't been shopping (except on line) in months. After 50 minutes of crying in therapy, I went to A2Z and got B some great things, and somewhere else to get some things for Pat's stocking. I cannot reveal too much as she will be reading this at some point.

You might be wondering about the 50 minutes of crying. I was deeply sad today. Which is a little weird to post right under that photo of me laughing, but there you have it. Deeply sad was this afternoon, I feel a lot better now. My therapist pointed out that this is a sad situation and that crying is totally appropriate. That's good because I cry pretty much every single day. It's good for me, like my nap, like my visualization tapes, like this blog. It all helps me feel like my life is okay- I have to qualify that with "most days." Because some days no matter how much I cry or post or nap, I feel like I got the shit end of the stick. But not today, today I got the end with the good stuff- far enough away from the shit that I can almost forget that it's there. Thank God. Really.

Why Didn't I Post?

I don't know. I could feel the difference in my mood today and I attribute part of it to not posting last night. The rest I give to the dreary weather and my general Monday anxiety. We had a home day, which we both sorely needed. Not that I get out that much, but it was nice not to go anywhere and have B stay in her PJs all day long. She had a slight fever, so it was good to be home so I could coax her into taking her tylenol and drinking tons of fluids.

Today she added containers of Playdoh to the Christmas tree. Not under, but on the tree. I think this tree is just going to end up with lots of weird decorations. We have two bags of presents under the tree. Both bags were left at the front door with no way to tell who they are from. So, if it was one of you guys, thanks. Really, it's nice to be the recipients of such generosity. I just truly wish I knew who to thank.

I am incredibly anxious about the surgery today. I had to take extra Atavan. As an aside, I had an interesting conversation with my acupuncturist about Atavan. She told me of this woman she admired who had cancer, terrible anxiety and a lot of clarity about how important it was to take her anti-anxiety meds. She was just really accepting of the fact that they made her life a whole lot easier and better and she didn't have any qualms about taking them. I have been trying to channel that kind of ease around my meds. So today when my now 5am half an Atavan stopped working around 2, I took another half and my life was so much better.

Did I write about the 5am Atavan? I don't think so. My therapist told me that the key to anxiety, pain and nausea is to stay ahead of them. If you get too far into any one of them, it's hard for the meds to catch up. So she suggested that since I wake at around 5 every morning anyway, to not wait until I felt the anxiety, but to just take half an Atavan under my tongue and go back to bed. It works like a charm. Now I can actually go back to sleep and wake up not anxious. I think my therapist knows a lot of tricks about drugs. I like that.

I think I will be less anxious about the surgery after my appointment with the surgeon on Friday. I keep reminding myself that these guys are experts at pain management. My mom, who had her hips replaced, said that she felt very well taken care of pain-wise. She also mentioned that the pre-op is handled very well, very gently. I hope that will be true at UMASS too.

I have to go now. All of this is making me want to cry. Crying without eyelashes is very messy. You wouldn't believe how big tears really are until they are no longer filtered through lashes. I hope you never have to find this out.