Pat and I will be getting up very early to get ready, bundling Bennett out of bed and delivering her to Sandy and Avy at the crack of dawn. We need to be in Worcester at 8 for tests. I am nervous and curious. I am sure I am going to pass the tests, but curious about what they will have me do the night before. I know I have to do what they so innocuously call "bowel prep." That's a nice way of saying that I will have to take the most enormous amount of laxative and spend the evening and night pooping my brains out. This will take place at Hope Lodge, where I will be spending the night before surgery. Lucky them.
I had a good day today. Lots of energy, probably from Reiki. Reiki is wonderful. I love it. I love all those therapies where I am attended to and made to relax in a profound way. I have acupuncture on Thursday, then I am on my own until I get back from the hospital. I think they will have other ways to get me to relax in a profound way at the hospital. I decided to cancel my talk therapy this week. I was supposed to go on Friday. I leave there so anxious that I decided it would just be better to do without. I couldn't figure out what my outlet for that anxiety would be. The last two sessions happened before acupuncture, so Nancy helped me deal with my anxiety. This time, there is just me and that is not enough these days.
So I went to Reiki, came home and hung out with Bennett. Bennett's BFF Avy came over to play for a little while and I got to visit with Sandy. It was nice. It felt pretty normal. It would have felt even more normal if we didn't spend half the time talking about cancer and surgery.
I am going to end here. I still feel the fighting spirit and hope you all will send me your fighting prayers. Is there such a thing? There is now.
Showing posts with label sandy avy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sandy avy. Show all posts
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Thursday, November 11, 2010
High Anxiety
What is the 9am anxiety all about? It hits me everyday between 6am and 9am. I just feel panic. Most days now I take a bit of anti-anxiety meds, and as I've said before, they really help. I just want to know why. I know the big why- the whole cancer thing, but this is different. I think. I wake up before everyone else, I worry about when they will wake up, I worry that I will be too anxious to be a good person when they wake up, I get anxious about worrying and the whole thing goes into some bizarre spiral. The last few mornings I've listened to my visualization tape, but that's really about healing and cancer and not about abating anxiety (note to self, get another tape) so it doesn't really help.
Why do I call it a tape? What is it when it's on your iPod but not a podcast?
I digress. What usually happens is Pat goes to work, I hang with Bennett and we end up having a fun and interesting day - just like today. I swear it's the weirdest thing, I get all panic-y, Pat leaves and 10 minutes later Bennett is playing or painting or begging for TV, and I am just being a Mom. Albeit a panic-y mom. At some point the Atavan kicks in and it's better. I still hate that I feel the need to take it, but it seems to make things more manageable.
What did we do today? Not much. B played alone for a long time this morning. I think she needed the alone time- she is with people all the time these days. I talked to my sister Mary, Sandy and Elizabeth. They all had to hear how anxious I was. It was like I had a good piece of gossip, only way less fun. I figured out how to message on Skype and other not that interesting things. We went to the park all afternoon. It was the first time I had spent more than an hour outside in months. I actually stayed at the park for about 2 1/2 hours. Thanks to Sandy for doing all the running after the kids when they went astray. The only time I got up to try to get B to do something, I had to sit back down from the head rush. So it was really sitting at the park only, but it felt so GOOD. So normal to sit with Sandy in the park while B and Avy played. So wonderful to hear the other kids play Harry Potter and try out their British accents. The sun was wonderful.
Sandy kept B at the park another 45 minutes, so I got in some knitting. I have to make more skull caps because there is no way I am going out without a hat at this point. No way. I got some gourmet vanilla in the mail from my sister's mother-in-law- just about the kindest person I've never met. I feel the love from her, honestly.
So this is not a very philosophical post. But today didn't feel like a philosophical day. This is a good thing. Tomorrow I have the day to myself, which is a real gift. I have my first therapy appointment and I am so happy about it. I will tell you all about it tomorrow night. Until then, I am pooped out and have to zone out until it's not too embarrassing early to go to bed. I feel like I need to sign off by saying I love you all tonight. I can't get through this without each and every one of you. I really mean it. All of it.
Why do I call it a tape? What is it when it's on your iPod but not a podcast?
I digress. What usually happens is Pat goes to work, I hang with Bennett and we end up having a fun and interesting day - just like today. I swear it's the weirdest thing, I get all panic-y, Pat leaves and 10 minutes later Bennett is playing or painting or begging for TV, and I am just being a Mom. Albeit a panic-y mom. At some point the Atavan kicks in and it's better. I still hate that I feel the need to take it, but it seems to make things more manageable.
What did we do today? Not much. B played alone for a long time this morning. I think she needed the alone time- she is with people all the time these days. I talked to my sister Mary, Sandy and Elizabeth. They all had to hear how anxious I was. It was like I had a good piece of gossip, only way less fun. I figured out how to message on Skype and other not that interesting things. We went to the park all afternoon. It was the first time I had spent more than an hour outside in months. I actually stayed at the park for about 2 1/2 hours. Thanks to Sandy for doing all the running after the kids when they went astray. The only time I got up to try to get B to do something, I had to sit back down from the head rush. So it was really sitting at the park only, but it felt so GOOD. So normal to sit with Sandy in the park while B and Avy played. So wonderful to hear the other kids play Harry Potter and try out their British accents. The sun was wonderful.
Sandy kept B at the park another 45 minutes, so I got in some knitting. I have to make more skull caps because there is no way I am going out without a hat at this point. No way. I got some gourmet vanilla in the mail from my sister's mother-in-law- just about the kindest person I've never met. I feel the love from her, honestly.
So this is not a very philosophical post. But today didn't feel like a philosophical day. This is a good thing. Tomorrow I have the day to myself, which is a real gift. I have my first therapy appointment and I am so happy about it. I will tell you all about it tomorrow night. Until then, I am pooped out and have to zone out until it's not too embarrassing early to go to bed. I feel like I need to sign off by saying I love you all tonight. I can't get through this without each and every one of you. I really mean it. All of it.
Friday, November 5, 2010
A Half and Half Day
Really I should say the day was 3/4 crappy and ended well. Well, it hasn't even ended yet, but I am predicting that all will continue to be okay for the next two or three hours- um, two hours. I am pooped, though that is not new.
The day started with me feeling faint and dizzy. I spent most of the morning and early afternoon lying down. That was all I could do. I tried to sort the laundry and ended up prone on the bed with weird colors before my eyes. I took that as a sign. I dozed on and off until noon, woke up for my second Ensure of the day and hung out with Bennett on the futon. Beryl and Ali brought over delicious potato soup made with a secret ingredient - love - it said so on the ingredient list. I had a bowl of love soup for lunch and went back to bed under my love quilt. I went back to bed after Pat took Bennett over to Sandy's to play with BFF Avy for a couple of hours. It was really good for all of us. Pat stayed home sick, and still had to take care of us. So having respite in the afternoon was a Godsend.
We spent that time dozing some more. And when Pat went to get B, they had to go to the store. While they were at the store, I listened to a chemo visualization tape. It's a little strange, but really helpful. I felt much much better after. Much more hopeful and I have to say with that tape it's the first time I've imagined my liver nice and pink and free from tumors. That is a very nice image.
I forgot to mention that Dr. B. called. My relationship with him is one of a lot of anxiety. I am not sure how it happened that when I think of meeting with him, or talking to him, I get a surge of panic. I am sure it's because we are always talking about cancer and tumors and treatment when we meet. He called to tell me the next time I get chemo they are going back to my original dose - that is twice what I got this week. I will get that plus the Neulasta (WBC shot). He said I can expect to feel bad for five days after this next chemo. Something to look forward to. I am pretty sure he is trying to get me all chemo'ed up before my scan. I am supposed to have a CT scan at the end of this month to make sure we are on the right track.
He also called to tell me that this certain blood marker that had gone up (bad) after going down for four tests in a row, had gone back down (good). And that the up measurement could be considered an anomaly. Let's pray that continues- the going down part, I mean. It was also revealed that my scan has not actually been scheduled and that's a big bummer. I have to work that out on Monday.
November is going to be a hard month with lots of days when we are going to need help. I am putting that out there, because I know there are people out there who sometimes wonder if we need help. The answer is yes. Mostly with taking care of Bennett during the week. Maybe picking her up from school and keeping her until we get home from Worcester. That kind of thing. We are going to look at the calendar for more exact dates, but if anyone out there can lend a hand, let me know. We really really know that we couldn't do this without so much help. Just today Beryl, Sandy and Snow Farm all gave us a hand and that brings me to tears. As Pat says, people are good.
The day started with me feeling faint and dizzy. I spent most of the morning and early afternoon lying down. That was all I could do. I tried to sort the laundry and ended up prone on the bed with weird colors before my eyes. I took that as a sign. I dozed on and off until noon, woke up for my second Ensure of the day and hung out with Bennett on the futon. Beryl and Ali brought over delicious potato soup made with a secret ingredient - love - it said so on the ingredient list. I had a bowl of love soup for lunch and went back to bed under my love quilt. I went back to bed after Pat took Bennett over to Sandy's to play with BFF Avy for a couple of hours. It was really good for all of us. Pat stayed home sick, and still had to take care of us. So having respite in the afternoon was a Godsend.
We spent that time dozing some more. And when Pat went to get B, they had to go to the store. While they were at the store, I listened to a chemo visualization tape. It's a little strange, but really helpful. I felt much much better after. Much more hopeful and I have to say with that tape it's the first time I've imagined my liver nice and pink and free from tumors. That is a very nice image.
I forgot to mention that Dr. B. called. My relationship with him is one of a lot of anxiety. I am not sure how it happened that when I think of meeting with him, or talking to him, I get a surge of panic. I am sure it's because we are always talking about cancer and tumors and treatment when we meet. He called to tell me the next time I get chemo they are going back to my original dose - that is twice what I got this week. I will get that plus the Neulasta (WBC shot). He said I can expect to feel bad for five days after this next chemo. Something to look forward to. I am pretty sure he is trying to get me all chemo'ed up before my scan. I am supposed to have a CT scan at the end of this month to make sure we are on the right track.
He also called to tell me that this certain blood marker that had gone up (bad) after going down for four tests in a row, had gone back down (good). And that the up measurement could be considered an anomaly. Let's pray that continues- the going down part, I mean. It was also revealed that my scan has not actually been scheduled and that's a big bummer. I have to work that out on Monday.
November is going to be a hard month with lots of days when we are going to need help. I am putting that out there, because I know there are people out there who sometimes wonder if we need help. The answer is yes. Mostly with taking care of Bennett during the week. Maybe picking her up from school and keeping her until we get home from Worcester. That kind of thing. We are going to look at the calendar for more exact dates, but if anyone out there can lend a hand, let me know. We really really know that we couldn't do this without so much help. Just today Beryl, Sandy and Snow Farm all gave us a hand and that brings me to tears. As Pat says, people are good.
Monday, October 25, 2010
Eskimo Kisses
Today was Monday. Mondays are hard because they seem endless. Pat is gone from 8am until past 10pm. It makes a long day with B and I get tired. Today I stole two naps - one while she was watching Diego and another when Sandy generously offered to take over while we all at the library. The library being my second foray into the world after the hospital. I don't think I posted that Dr B. told me it was okay to go out into the world if I used my common sense - I am still not allowed to pick B up from school or go to places packed with people. That makes sense. I have to say, though, that I am still really paranoid - it was not fun to be in the hospital for a week with some bug or infection that seemed to scare everyone but me. Oh, I was so naive, I am plenty scared now.
So, I had a luxurious nap while B was playing with Sandy and Avy and I realized that it helps me nap better if I have some sort of white noise going. It must distract the bad voices. I played wave sounds and it was lovely.
I also had a call from the pastor from the church I went to yesterday. He was very nice, but was clear that their church is not open and affirming. This is code for gay-friendly. He said they follow the bible and that being gay is a sin. What a bummer. He referred me to another church in Holyoke that actually broke off from his church to be more liberal. I thought that was very big of him, after all he was trying to get me to a place where I would feel comfortable and not trying to de-gay me. I will try to the new church this weekend - St Peter's on Jarvis. Anyone know anything about it?
That's about it. I tried really hard to do chores and make life seem as normal as possible. I do have something to ask everyone. It is really hard for me to keep my perspective if no one tells about their lives. I understand some of you out there feel like your life stuff can't compare to cancer, but I really want to know. I want normal in my life, too. Oh, we will talk plenty about cancer and WBC and chemo and whatever, but I want to hear about your kids and the crappy thing that so-and-so did, so I can remember that life is more than trips to the doctor, hand sanitizer and endless bowls soup. If I don't get some fried shrimp soon, I don't know what I am going to do. I'd settle for pickle.
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