I'm Out

 I am out of the hospital and successfully reacclimmated myself to my lovely home with my lovely family. I do not like being in the hospital. The people were incredible and work their butts off. I just don't like feeling like I HAVE to be there. I am lucky the surgery went so well. The got out all the gunk in my abdomen! Yay! The main tumor was "not that big" according the the surgical oncologist - just as big as his fist. I can't imagine how big it was before the seven, count 'em, seven chemo treatments. He took out about a foot of my colon and 18 inches of lower intestine. And some other stuff here and there, but no other organs. I have an incision about 10" long - right through my belly button tattoo.  They were very careful about matching it up properly. A very sweet and, I have to say, very young surgical intern told me it is actually easier to stitch up incisions with tattoos than without. I am happy I could help them with my 25 year old, saggy reminder of my past.

I left feeling pretty good. Still no pain meds since yesterday at 10 am. I don't really need them, and feel like if I took them I would over do it. It's hard enough for me not to be doing stuff already - on day one. And I am supposed to take it easy for weeks. My doc said after I recuperate, I get to start picking Bennett up again. That is really really cool for me. She is very interested in my belly and the metal staples that are there. She has been very gentle so far, but it's hard to explain to a 3 year old what surgery is and why ones would have it. Especially since I am trying not to scare the crap out of her. It just may be too late for that.

So tonight I plan on having a good sleep in the new bedroom that Pat made pretty for me. Thanks for all the comments and well wishes. I declare the I will up for visitors, but please call first. And I got the clearance to eat whatever I want in moderation- still low fiber but I don't have to be so crazy as before. Thank God and I mean that. Thanks for everything.

Eskimo Kisses

Oh, they are probably not called that anymore, but that's what I got from Bennett right before she fell asleep and they were divine. She is divine. What a doll and if I didn't think it would wake her up, I'd go take a picture of her and post it right now. Instead I post a picture of Pat and me, when I had a little more flesh and a lot more hair.

Today was Monday. Mondays are hard because they seem endless. Pat is gone from 8am until past 10pm. It makes a long day with B and I get tired. Today I stole two naps - one while she was watching Diego and another when Sandy generously offered to take over while we all at the library. The library being my second foray into the world after the hospital. I don't think I posted that Dr B. told me it was okay to go out into the world if I used my common sense - I am still not allowed to pick B up from school or go to places packed with people. That makes sense. I have to say, though, that I am still really  paranoid - it was not fun to be in the hospital for a week with some bug or infection that seemed to scare everyone but me. Oh, I was so naive, I am plenty scared now.

So, I had a luxurious nap while B was playing with Sandy and Avy and I realized that it helps me nap better if I have some sort of white noise going. It must distract the bad voices. I played wave sounds and it was lovely.

I also had a call from the pastor from the church I went to yesterday. He was very nice, but was clear that  their church is not open and affirming. This is code for gay-friendly. He said they follow the bible and that being gay is a sin. What a bummer. He referred me to another church in Holyoke that actually broke off from his church to be more liberal. I thought that was very big of him, after all he was trying to get me to a place where I would feel comfortable and not trying to de-gay me. I will try to the new church this weekend - St Peter's on Jarvis. Anyone know anything about it?

That's about it. I tried really hard to do chores and make life seem as normal as possible. I do have something to ask everyone. It is really hard for me to keep my perspective if no one tells about their lives. I understand some of you out there feel like your life stuff can't compare to cancer, but I really want to know. I want normal in my life, too. Oh, we will talk plenty about cancer and WBC and chemo and whatever, but I want to hear about your kids and the crappy thing that so-and-so did, so I can remember that life is more than trips to the doctor, hand sanitizer and endless bowls soup. If I don't get some fried shrimp soon, I don't know what I am going to do. I'd settle for pickle.

Still Pumping

Imagine my surprise when I looked up at the title and it said "still pimping." I fixed it, but I might use it another day...

Quiet, rainy day filled with a lot of nothing much. Took B to school, tried to walk Zeus but he wasn't interested in a walk in the rain. Watched some TV on the computer while trying to take it easy. I will not go into another diatribe about how hard it is for me not to do much. Cleaned up a little and did the bills. I am ashamed to say I hadn't paid them the slighted attention since the first of the month. Thank goodness for auto bill pay!

The big activity, if you can call it an activity, was my weekly heavenly reflexology appointment with the magical Marianne. I am on the list of folks who can have reflexology every week at the Cancer Connection. Usually folks are only allowed to come every two weeks. I finally got up the nerve to ask why I am on the list. I was afraid it was that they knew more about my prognosis than I, that they knew something terrible was happening, and all that paranoid stuff. Pat handily reminded me that they don't know anything more than what I've told them and they do no have access to my medical records. So, Marianne said I am on the list because I am actively receiving treatment and that I respond so well to reflexology that she would like to see me every week to help work through some of the symptoms as she can. I love her for that. She is so attentive during the session, because I cry a lot, she tells me different ways to breathe so I can be calm and still have my feelings. It's just such a relief to be touched in a non-medical way, in a room that smells really good and there's always soothing music. And at the end, she puts my socks back on my feet. I can't tell you what a humbling experience that is for me.

Pat has been picking up B at school this week because I can't visit that pool of germs. So I had a few lonely minutes alone before my family came home and it was so good to see them. I have been meaning to write a little more about being lonely. I am lonely these days not because I don't have stellar people around, calling me, sending care packages and books. I am lonely because I finally realized that no matter who is around me, I have to do this journey myself. Not by myself, but myself. It hit me in the hospital when the oncology nurse looked me in the eye and said, "and infection for you is a big deal, life and death, so don't mess around." This was when I was complaining about getting rid of the houseplants and not being able to pick up and drop off Bennett.

At that moment it made sense to me how tenuous things are at the moment. Life and death seemed really abstract, but hooked up to three IV antibiotics in an isolated room with warning labels on the door is nothing to mess with. When I took walks around the hospital I had to wear a mask, when I was in the ER, I had to wear and mask the entire time I was there, even while I was asleep. It sort of put things in perspective for me. Okay, Mary and Libby were wearing masks too, troopers that they were (and are), but it was my body fighting the war. It did a good job and I will do everything I can to protect it from another fight like that, because I want every ounce of energy that I can muster for the bigger fight. For my life.

I've Been Sprung

This is what happened when I came home - Bennett crawled in my lap, we watched about 10 minutes of Dora and then she cried and cried. Just a sad little puss, she was. Then she fell right to sleep. Here she is asleep on the chair after I put her down. Lovely bunny of mine.       

I am out and I feel good. I came home yesterday and immediately started feeling like crap again. It was a hard evening, thinking of being in the hospital where I felt fine for the prior two days, then to come home to take such a terrible plunge. Poor Pat thought I might be allergic to the house. But it was just the bad hospital food haunting me. I am sworn off solid foods for awhile to make sure to give my poor GI tract a rest.

Officially, according to my discharge papers, they couldn't find a reason for the fever. They think I got a bug from somewhere. Some germy kid, I am sure. Now we have to make sure to change Bennett's clothes directly after school. Pat has to change her clothes after work, and we all have to bathe every day. Bennett is not going to like that!

Mary and I have been cleaning the house this morning. Wiping every surface with bleach. Ruth and Theo took all the house plants. Zeus has been vacationing in Conway for the week. It's a little strange around here without plants and dog. The plants can come back after I am done with chemo and Z will be back Friday.

It is so good to be home. I am going to do everything I can to make sure to stay out of the hospital, though I have to say UMASS was really good to me. At one point I actually forgot I was in the hospital and thought I was in a hotel. It might have been after-fever delusions.

Mary and I are going to go shopping and after that a nap before we get Bennett from school. I am already anticipating missing Mary. She is so good to have around. The perfect helper at every turn - and she doesn't mind that she put almost 1000 miles on her rental car.

I have chemo next Wednesday and I am hoping this time it goes off without a hitch. Everyone cross your fingers!