Thanks for all the great comments. I do feel the love. I actually do. I have been so sad and panic-y and stressed out that I forgot about the love. And some things happened today that helped me remember that life stuck in sad/panic/stress mode is no life at all. So I am slowly trying to trust that it's safe to come out and that it does not pay to walk around waiting for bad news.
These are some of the things that happened today that reminded me of the good. Aric (Bennett's teacher) met us at the door of the school with a big smile and Bennett went right with him. Aric or Margo meet us at the door in the mornings because I cannot go up to the germy classroom. An amazing arrangement master minded by my sister Mary. I came home and the cleaning lady, Laureen, told me she is donating her services from now on. That made us both cry big tears. How generous and moving, and how will I ever repay her? I went to reflexology and the Magic Maryann told me my solar plexus is depleted. That's where a whole host of things live including confidence. She's right, my confidence is in the toilet, luckily she told me some exercises to help. She gave me some names for acupuncturists. (I have this idea that I should get acupuncture for my WBC. I have a call in to to Dr B to see if it's okay. I already have an appointment, but it will be after my next appointment at UMASS, in case Dr B doesn't call back on this one. Not really an emergency.) I got home and there was a gentle coconut Thai soup from Beryl with stickers in the bag for B. Our friend Dawn brings B home on Wednesdays - making it possible for Pat to work the whole day. Those were just a few things that happened today that remind me that there are so many points in my day where people help that make my life so much more manageable. And I haven't even mentioned how hard Pat works. She works really hard.
Bennett just came up to me and gave me a bear to hold so I won't be lonely while she and Pat read bedtime books. Is that not the loveliest?
All those things add up to me feeling better - or does feeling better remind me to recognize the love? Who knows, who cares? It's just good to be a tiny bit out of my shell.
My scan is on the 27th - the Saturday after T-day. We are not going to celebrate Thanksgiving this year. It's just too hard to celebrate a holiday that is literally a feast. So we will be mellow at home and talk about what we are thankful for and I will have some soup and Pat will eat her diabetic meal and Bennett will likely have fish sticks. That's how it works here.
Back to the scan - the follow up will be the 30th and that's when we find out what the last four months of chemo (it will be four months at the end of November) did to devastate the cancer. I am praying for a miracle here and why not? Let's all pray for the radiologist to exclaim "where did all that cancer go?!"
Enough about the scan, there's not a thing I can do to make it happen faster and worrying never helped, so I will talk about my new sleeping hat. When went to the Cancer Connection, they had a lot of hats in a basket. I found a hat that is specifically to wear to bed to catch the hair that is falling out. Now I have to say that when I was first diagnosed UMASS nurses gave me a packet that included a catalog with items such as this. I can't tell you how grossed out I was. These were things for other people. Ha! Now I am so happy that my pillow won't be covered in hair every morning. The only thing about this hat is it is baby pink. Bennett will love it, I know she will. Anyone still interested in the hair saga, I still have some hair, but have taken to wearing hats every time I go out. For warmth and because you can pretty much see my scalp at this point. It's too cold to shave my head, so I just cover it now. I have a feeling this next chemo blast will be the one that really does my head in. One thing they don't tell you is how sore your head gets. I am not sure what it's from, but I'll tell you my scalp is super tender.
My cold is much better. I feel better. I have felt the love and here it comes back to you. Catch!
Showing posts with label cancer connection. Show all posts
Showing posts with label cancer connection. Show all posts
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Still Pumping
Imagine my surprise when I looked up at the title and it said "still pimping." I fixed it, but I might use it another day...
Quiet, rainy day filled with a lot of nothing much. Took B to school, tried to walk Zeus but he wasn't interested in a walk in the rain. Watched some TV on the computer while trying to take it easy. I will not go into another diatribe about how hard it is for me not to do much. Cleaned up a little and did the bills. I am ashamed to say I hadn't paid them the slighted attention since the first of the month. Thank goodness for auto bill pay!
The big activity, if you can call it an activity, was my weekly heavenly reflexology appointment with the magical Marianne. I am on the list of folks who can have reflexology every week at the Cancer Connection. Usually folks are only allowed to come every two weeks. I finally got up the nerve to ask why I am on the list. I was afraid it was that they knew more about my prognosis than I, that they knew something terrible was happening, and all that paranoid stuff. Pat handily reminded me that they don't know anything more than what I've told them and they do no have access to my medical records. So, Marianne said I am on the list because I am actively receiving treatment and that I respond so well to reflexology that she would like to see me every week to help work through some of the symptoms as she can. I love her for that. She is so attentive during the session, because I cry a lot, she tells me different ways to breathe so I can be calm and still have my feelings. It's just such a relief to be touched in a non-medical way, in a room that smells really good and there's always soothing music. And at the end, she puts my socks back on my feet. I can't tell you what a humbling experience that is for me.
Pat has been picking up B at school this week because I can't visit that pool of germs. So I had a few lonely minutes alone before my family came home and it was so good to see them. I have been meaning to write a little more about being lonely. I am lonely these days not because I don't have stellar people around, calling me, sending care packages and books. I am lonely because I finally realized that no matter who is around me, I have to do this journey myself. Not by myself, but myself. It hit me in the hospital when the oncology nurse looked me in the eye and said, "and infection for you is a big deal, life and death, so don't mess around." This was when I was complaining about getting rid of the houseplants and not being able to pick up and drop off Bennett.
At that moment it made sense to me how tenuous things are at the moment. Life and death seemed really abstract, but hooked up to three IV antibiotics in an isolated room with warning labels on the door is nothing to mess with. When I took walks around the hospital I had to wear a mask, when I was in the ER, I had to wear and mask the entire time I was there, even while I was asleep. It sort of put things in perspective for me. Okay, Mary and Libby were wearing masks too, troopers that they were (and are), but it was my body fighting the war. It did a good job and I will do everything I can to protect it from another fight like that, because I want every ounce of energy that I can muster for the bigger fight. For my life.
Quiet, rainy day filled with a lot of nothing much. Took B to school, tried to walk Zeus but he wasn't interested in a walk in the rain. Watched some TV on the computer while trying to take it easy. I will not go into another diatribe about how hard it is for me not to do much. Cleaned up a little and did the bills. I am ashamed to say I hadn't paid them the slighted attention since the first of the month. Thank goodness for auto bill pay!
The big activity, if you can call it an activity, was my weekly heavenly reflexology appointment with the magical Marianne. I am on the list of folks who can have reflexology every week at the Cancer Connection. Usually folks are only allowed to come every two weeks. I finally got up the nerve to ask why I am on the list. I was afraid it was that they knew more about my prognosis than I, that they knew something terrible was happening, and all that paranoid stuff. Pat handily reminded me that they don't know anything more than what I've told them and they do no have access to my medical records. So, Marianne said I am on the list because I am actively receiving treatment and that I respond so well to reflexology that she would like to see me every week to help work through some of the symptoms as she can. I love her for that. She is so attentive during the session, because I cry a lot, she tells me different ways to breathe so I can be calm and still have my feelings. It's just such a relief to be touched in a non-medical way, in a room that smells really good and there's always soothing music. And at the end, she puts my socks back on my feet. I can't tell you what a humbling experience that is for me.
Pat has been picking up B at school this week because I can't visit that pool of germs. So I had a few lonely minutes alone before my family came home and it was so good to see them. I have been meaning to write a little more about being lonely. I am lonely these days not because I don't have stellar people around, calling me, sending care packages and books. I am lonely because I finally realized that no matter who is around me, I have to do this journey myself. Not by myself, but myself. It hit me in the hospital when the oncology nurse looked me in the eye and said, "and infection for you is a big deal, life and death, so don't mess around." This was when I was complaining about getting rid of the houseplants and not being able to pick up and drop off Bennett.
At that moment it made sense to me how tenuous things are at the moment. Life and death seemed really abstract, but hooked up to three IV antibiotics in an isolated room with warning labels on the door is nothing to mess with. When I took walks around the hospital I had to wear a mask, when I was in the ER, I had to wear and mask the entire time I was there, even while I was asleep. It sort of put things in perspective for me. Okay, Mary and Libby were wearing masks too, troopers that they were (and are), but it was my body fighting the war. It did a good job and I will do everything I can to protect it from another fight like that, because I want every ounce of energy that I can muster for the bigger fight. For my life.
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