Short Sunday

It was a quiet day around here. We had a nice visit from our very pregnant friend, Susan. She was glowing and it's nice to know there will be a new baby around soon. She made me a very handsome hat, see above. Boy, do I love babies. All this cancer stuff made me forget that. Pat and Liz wrangled an elliptical trainer into the house and we have a line on a treadmill. Pat insisted on tackling Walmart the Sunday before Christmas to get B a scooter. She is going to love it.

I mostly stayed on the couch. B is still getting over a cold and I wanted her to be a quiet as possible. You know that means lots of Ipad and a few rousing games of Hi Ho Cherri-o.

While on the couch, I mostly fretted and did more crossword puzzles and a little knitting. I am not quite right and I think it's because mortality is a bitch. I know that I can't just give my life over to fear, that if my life is going to be shorter than I'd expected, do I really want to sit around and worry about dying? And all the grief around that? No. But that seems to be what I am doing. I have just got to stop. I get moments of real clarity, of feeling connected to the world and life, but mostly I feel half shut down. And I know that is no way to live.

I have big plans for tomorrow. I am going to Trader Joe's then I will listen to my tapes and have a nap. I have not been grocery shopping for months. We are really trying to get ready for January. I got the sleeping stuff I needed and ordered two big bags of dog food. When will Holyoke get grocery delivery?I can't wait.

Next we are going to arrange the beds so there are plenty of places to sleep and agreed to heat the house at whatever temperature we need it to be - and not worry about the bill. My valiant sister Mary is coming to help for three weeks. I am so blessed to have such resources.

That reminds me, I went to church with Ruth this morning. It was good. St Paul's is such a sweet place, I heard someone say it was the little church that could. I believe that.

I am off for the night, I am going to try to work on the blue doggy hat that B has been asking for. I am pretty sure she is going to ask why it's not pink the moment she sees it. But that's okay, I think she will like the ears enough to live with the blue.

Not Yet

So the razor is not here, and the comb was kinder to me than I thought it would be. We will wait for the weekend to do the deed. Until then, I will model some hats that have come my way. This one from Linda at Plumdinger Studios in Pittsfield. I love it and it's lined with fleece!

This one from the lovely Deanna, who is an awesome knitter and spinner. Check out the incredible cable pattern on this one. The yarn is super soft and it's a great color.

Here is a scarf from Libby. It's got lots of great things about it - not only is it from my wonderful niece, but it's orange, and it has the words "confidence, wisdom, grace" printed all over it. What more could you ask for?

Last for tonight's posting is a hat from my friend, Elizabeth, who lives in Vermont. I think the fashion sense in VT wilder than Mass. At least Western Mass. 

There are others, including a great winter hat from my sister Joanne's doctor. She said it's the only hat that kept her head warm when she was bald. I am knitting a purple hat and I am sure has the winter progresses, I will acquire more head gear.

My day has been a good one. A nice session of reflexology. It is so good for my soul. My belly is a little sore today, but seeing as I've been pain-free for 10 days, I can deal with a little bit of soreness. This is nothing like the other belly pain. I don't even want to use that word, since I am not in pain, just a little ow-y, as Bennett says. I am grateful for the gift of today. The light is really coming my way.

Different Day. Thank God.

I have to use that old cliche - what a difference a day makes. I feel good, strong(ish) and with the exception of an hour or two of bad thoughts, I had a great day. An easy day with Bennett who is still getting over a cold. Pat came home early and took B to the park with BFF Avy. I had a few hours alone which I thought I would use to take a nap. I didn't need one, or my fear didn't want me to have one because all I did was lie there and think of scary scenarios.

I have to admit that I was online today. I was doing some surfing about canning (which I still want to do, but am banned from touching produce, so can't) and came upon an interesting site. As I was reading, it became clear the blogger's mom was in the midst of chemo and before I could look away, I was reading stats about life expectancy etc. It totally freaked me out. I am grateful for every day and I pray that I will read the archives of this blog when I am 80, but 2.4 years or 7.5 years or whatever this study said completely fed my fear's voice and that was that. I basically spent my nap time crying and worrying about Bennett liking her new mom better than me, or worse not remembering me at all. It was b. a. d. bad.

Yesterday, when I was prone all afternoon and talking to my mom, she told me I needed a project. I whined a lot about how the projects I used to do are not compelling and the sweater I started knitting last winter is going to be too big now, etc etc. Just thank your lucky stars you are not my mom, the conversation was pretty pathetic on my part. So...my mom sent me an encouraging e-mail and I have spent the evening knitting while watching Top Chef. I even repaired a sweater that a friend gave me to fix last year. Ahhhh, that feels good. I am definitely knitting tighter than I have in the past - pulling that yarn a little too hard while making a cap to cover what will be my shiny pate.

I thought I was going to miss the losing of the hair, but Pat informed me that I have a bald spot on the top of my head. Oh man. I knew the front was getting pretty thin, but a bald spot? I better knit fast! Now I just have to figure out what the markers will be for the big shave. How big a bald spot? How many bald spots? Just how thin and dead does my hair have to look before I can get the nerve to shave it? And why does it have to be in winter? I should have planned this better.

That's some painful irony there.

On that note, I will say goodnight. I will ask outright for prayers and good, right thoughts. I really need them tonight to chase the fear away. Together our voices and thoughts will drown out that wily, unwelcome fear and bring in the light.