1. If you do not want to hear about fear, death and dying, please skip to Part 2.
Today I had a good day with Bennett. We played together and hung out and basically did this and that. We decided, with Aunt Ruth, to take advantage of the last day at the club. When we left home it was pouring, so we took a detour to Nick's Nest to have a frappe (that's New England for milkshake, though there is some debate about it.). When we got to the club there were plenty of people, and off B went to play. I met up with a woman I know who I like to talk to. I should say I used to like to talk to her, now I do not. She spent a good amount of time telling me stories about the people she has known who have had colon cancer and who have died. One story after another. It was like being stuck in a death vortex and I could not make myself get up. I did tell her I did not want to hear anymore cancer stories, but it didn't seem to do the trick.
So I have to say I was pretty wrecked by the time I left. I had to call Mary for a pep talk, to remind me of the good things in life. Mary, Pat and Ruth have all done their best, but I am still a little freaked out. I know this cancer will get me in the end. I know that. I am not foolish enough to believe anything but that. It's just that when I was driving home, I just about thought it was time to call hospice. I am not making a joke, that is truly how I felt. And I can't tell you how bad it sucked.
I am trying to look for the lesson in this. I am trying not to break down into a million tiny little pieces that cannot be put back together. I need to stay on this earth so I can be with my loves, feel Bennett's skin and make enough jam so that B doesn't ever have to eat jam from the store.
2. Jam. I promised a couple of people that I would post the tomato chile jam recipe that I made last week (was it two weeks ago?). Here it is and it is fantastic.
18 oz very ripe tomatoes
2-4 red chiles (I used two jalapenos)
4 cloves of garlic, peeled
1 in piece of ginger, roughly chopped
2 T fish sauce
1 1/4 c. sugar
1/2 c red wine vinegar
Peel the toms and shop into 1/2" dice. Puree chiles, garlic, ginger and fish sauce in the blender. Put the puree, sugar, and vinegar into a stainless steel pot, add toms. Cook gently for 30-40 minutes (I found it took about twice that long to get a nice thick jam). Makes one pint.
That's about it. I am spent. I have no more.
My first instinct is that I want to hurt that woman. Then I go back and forth between wanting to comfort you and trying to understand what the f@*k she was thinking about. I'm really sorry that happened.
ReplyDeleteHi Ruth,
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry about that woman at the club. I think sometimes that people have such a deeply ingrained fear of cancer and their own mortality, that, when faced with it in reality, they feel a morbid compulsion to talk about those they have known who have passed. Plus, people often just do not THINK before they speak (myself included) and as a result, can be insensitive about any number of things. But who knows who these people are and when they had cancer. Ten or 15 years ago, their prognosis would have been quite different. Having seen you recently, I definitely do not think it is time for Hospice. You have a lot of living left to do and you have a very powerful will to live that cannot be discounted. Along with an arsenal--not yet completely tapped-- of very powerful medicines to help you fight this. So keep on making your jam and loving your loves and take each day as it comes, as you have been doing so brilliantly.
Wow, what a painful story! I'm so sorry that happened to you. The lesson I am learning from your really bad experience is to THINK carefully before I start babbling on with my endless stories. I hope I have never done anything that destructive to anyone but I do know I'm capable of talking myself into an endless spiral that I don't seem to know how to pull back from. I will keep this terrible experience you went through tucked into my brain as a reminder that "sharing" should happen in a thoughtful way.
ReplyDeleteHi, Ruth!
ReplyDeleteI am just reading your post from the cafe. (So much for working from the cafe...no, really, I will do it in a minute.) I probably have some more thoughts for you, but for now I'll just remind you of Dr. W.'s capable and sagacious face while he was saying, "Oh, you are a lo-o-o-ng way from that." And, just one other word: cow.
Okay, till later,
xoxoxoxo
Ruth