Like most Wednesdays of chemo week, I felt pretty fine. I woke up at 7:30, got B dressed for school, sent her off with Pat and then cleaned the house for the cleaning lady. I chatted with her awhile and left the house. I then spent a relaxing morning going to the bank, getting gas and sitting in every fabulously expensive chair at Fly by Night. I found a chair I would love to have, but am I really going to spend 2 thousand on a chair. Not a chance. I just like going in there to see what I wish I could find on the street.
I started getting nauseous while in the chair I would have picked had I had all the money in the world. It's funny how the steroids work, as soon as my stomach is empty I start feeling really crappy. So I had to sit down and have a scone. Poor me. It was delicious and I wanted five more. That's also the steroids. Unfortunately what my digestive system can handle doesn't always match what the steroids want. Enough said.
Then I went to acupuncture and got a really good pep talk from Nancy. I have been fretting over dying again. I am convinced it is the chemo drugs washing over my brain and making me think unwelcome thoughts. My big fret this weeks is dying and leaving Bennett with a broken heart and a sad story. But what it really comes down to, is we are all made up of big and small heart breaks that make us who we are. Bennett's heart is in God's hands and I can't do anything but continue to love her with all my (many times broken) heart. If I continue to worry it just gets in the way of really connection to her, and she is really interesting and fun. Much more interesting and fun than my worries. So I will do my best to remember that my future, and Bennett's future, are really none of my business and get on with life.
Our worries get in the way of more interesting and fun experiences-- what a great counterthought to the creeping dread we all feel sometimes. Thanks for posting that.
ReplyDeleteJean
Ruth, that is a huge and understandable fret, but don't forget that you are doing everything you can to be here for as long as possible, and despite the horrible drudgery of chemo, you are very much present and alive for Bennett right now. Your love for her is immense and no matter what happens, she will carry that inside her for the rest of her life. You have said it before- none of us knows what the future holds; as far as any of us knows, we each only have this moment. You are doing an amazing job of celebrating and savoring each day with your family. These worries make sense, but you ARE getting on with your life.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I hope you have some ease tomorrow and in the days ahead and I look forward to seeing you soon.
My dear Ruth,
ReplyDeleteI know you still want that chair. And the scones. You want what you want, you do.
And, you keep looking at what you've got, and going, wow! Look what I've got! Look what's right here, wow! It's great. May that sensibility waft over to me right now.
What I think is, we are all building our own and each other's futures every day by being present every day; but that is just the bonus of being present every day, which is the real deal, that's what's happening. Worries are simply ugly figments. It would be interesting to know the natural history of worries; they seem so completely, wholly useless and un-real.
Oh it must be late. Well, you said you wanted comments....
Perhaps we will shout out tomorrow on your way to Worcester.
Lots of love,
Ruth
You're amazing. I love you, & I'm quoting you (one of your sentences) on FB.
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