Those stupid feary thoughts are back, and boy is it annoying. I think it's because I don't feel well longer than usual. I am also worried that the pain I had in SB will somehow show up on my scans at the end of the month. I am also worried about dying.
Yep, that's the kernel of it...I am just plain worried about dying. I am worried about Bennett and how she will handle it. I am worried about Pat and how it will be for her to be a single parent. I am so sorry that I won't be here to help. It sort of kills me. No pun intended.
Pat reminds me that there is no way to know who will die first, or when, or how. It makes me feel better to have a bet with her to see who can live the longest. I also know that B is going to be who she is and that she had a lot of people around her who love her like crazy, but I want to be the one who loves her the craziest and I can't do that if I am dead. Crap.
I vow to wake up at a reasonable hour tomorrow, to make pancakes and to live the day to the fullest. I will get those damn blueberries no matter what. I will tell Pat and Bennett and whoever else comes my way how much I love them. I will, not tomorrow but another day, clean out my closet and get rid of all the things I never wear. I will live this life the longest I can.
We are home now from SB. We had such fun with you, Pat, and Bennett! I especially loved my time swimming with Bennett. She is a little fish! I ate some Texas Christmas pickles tonight and thought of you (they are especially spicy and good). love you, Joanne
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