5 More Days

It's like my own Advent calendar - counting down the days. In this case it is not the baby Jesus I am waiting for but the results from the scan and what the next course of action is. In case you couldn't tell, I went to church this morning. The first Sunday of Advent, which I have learned is waiting for Christmas and the above mentioned birth. The sermon was all about waiting and how hard it is. It was so apropos that I started crying. I don't think Pastor Barbara knows what to do with me. I sit in the front, I nod my head a lot and never know when to stand or sit. No one is sitting in front of me, so I have to turn around to know what to do. It's okay, I think. It's just good to be there.

So, I went to church, came home and hung around with P&B. I cut both Pat and Bennett's hair and Pat gave me a sad little trim around the ears. Bennett does not like it when I am not wearing a hat. Tonight I took it off to read stories and she told me to put my hat on to cover my figgelly hair. It's so interesting because she doesn't care that I nap every afternoon, that she often comes home from school to find me napping or resting. She does care that I can't pick her up, but now she's used to it. The hair, she does not like. I am happy to wear hats for her. I am much more self-conscious than I thought I would be. I am not going to go on and on, because I already have gone on and on about my hair, as you know.

Pat took B to aunties and I took a long and very sweet nap. I don't know what made this nap so good, maybe because I slept deeply and most of my naps are really just me with my eyes closed listening to soothing pan pipes and waves. That's pretty good too.

That was my day, a little dinner and bed times stories for B and now I am posting. And waiting. And waiting some more. Any ideas to make the waiting easier? Distractions you know about that don't involve leaving the house? I never understood why I didn't see more bald people with cancer out and about, now I know. We are all at home, bone tired and scared to our core of germs. So we stay home and wait...

All is Well

Pat is gone for the weekend - or at least she was gone today and I haven't heard when she is planning to come home. There was some talk that she might come home in the wee hours of the night tonight. Of course, that would be my choice, but all and all B&I had a great day.

It started at 6am when Pat left. Bennett did not want to go back to sleep, but was content to play while I lolled around in bed until 8. What a great kid. We painted, we played, we took Zeus for a short walk (we were chilly and had to turn around). Midway through the morning B told me her hair was hurting her eyes, so I asked if she wanted a haircut. She said yes. I told her I would just do her bangs and when I was done with her bangs, she told me to cut the back. Now she looks like Amalie again (from the French movies, that I am sure I spelled wrong). Aunt Julie arrived at 1:30 to save the day and take B to the Eric Carle Museum. I got a nap and did some laundry. It was a good time.

A little tea and Dora and it was time for dinner and bed. B is sound asleep, I feel good. I feel like I accomplished something really big- I took care of B all day and have been diligently keeping my thoughts here, now. Bennett took a tumble today and hurt her lip, I was on the phone with Ruth and yelled into the phone, "I will call you back" and hung up. Five minutes later, Aunt Ruth to the rescue. So I had a lot of help and a lot of love today to get me through, but it hardly felt like something to get through. It just felt like life. My life. What a wonderful way to feel.

Tomorrow Chemo

Yes, tomorrow is chemo. At this point I feel little like maybe it will happen and maybe it won't. Everything has been so unpredictable. I have no reason to believe that it won't happen, it's just that before my second chemo I had to wait an extra week, and before my originally scheduled third chemo I was in the hospital. So let's just hope that this goes off without a hitch - my WBC are okay, the drugs are in stock, and whatever else that I can't think of won't happen.

I had a really great day today. Took Bennett to school, walked the dog, even got into the studio for an hour. I designed the stained glass that will go over the door in the new bedroom. The thing about being in the studio, is I have to be present in order to make work - I mean really present. And that is hard, because I have to think about all the things I try not to think about all the live long day. So I worked for an hour and that is what I could do before I started getting afraid. Maybe Thursday I can do it for longer knowing that I survived today's hour just fine. The fear did not kill me and it never will.  It's just fear. Frickin', wily-assed fear that is my worst enemy- keeping me from my living the way I want to be in my life.

I also got my hair cut today. I had a great experience with Julie's fab hairdresser at Salon O in Easthampton. She made me cry by not letting me pay. Another example of the incredible generosity that comes to me.

I am not sure always how to take it, but I know everyone just wants to do what they can in a situation that is so disempowering. Is that a word?  How about a situation that scares the shit out of everyone? That's probably more accurate.

Today I heard a story from a friend about a guy who has colon cancer and it is also in his liver. He had surgery and had to have 1/5 of his liver removed. Lucky bastard, is all I could think. Of course I don't know the whole story, and of course I am also very lucky, but it's that same thing that makes me jealous of people who seem to be less full of cancer than I am. I have to remind myself that cancer sucks for everyone who gets it. Period. And that kind of thinking helps no one, and doesn't change a single thing. Not my cancer, not his cancer, not the absence cancer in the other people's bodies.

Okay, so let me keep my eye on the most accessible prize - tomorrow's chemo. I want my little pump back, whispering it's hard work to me for 46 hours, reminding me that we are all working hard to save my life one whoosh at a time.