ChemoCoaster

A ride you never want to go on - the ChemoCoaster. Up and down, up and down and around. For some people it makes you barf your brains out, for others it's just whips you around until you don't know who you are anymore.

That is how I have been feeling. I just don't know who I am anymore. I have this crazy life of going to different therapies and doctors all the time. I have to arrange for ride because I can't really drive for that long, I have to nap at least once a day, I have no hair on my legs (and other places that shall remain nameless), and I don't really want to eat. What? I never understood when people used to say they ate for fuel, now I do. It's pretty much a must do these days, not a big pleasure like it used to be. And I don't get to floss my teeth, for those of you who are not flossers, this is a big deal for those of us who flossed religiously. And I seriously want to want to eat a feast, then floss afterwards.

I had a nice thanksgiving-esque meal, turkey broth from Theo and Pat's pumpkin custard. Isn't that what Tday is about anyway, the bird and the pie and I got a bit of both. Round it out with some potato soup and it was good. The best part of the day was Pat and I got to have time to ourselves. A nap and lots of talking. We agreed it would be best if I lived a long full life. That has got to be my main focus. I am planner and I have been planning for death. I have to admit this. I have been making sure our money is in order, that all paperwork is in both our names, or just Pat's, I even have the room for hospice time picked out. And now I feel like I have to start getting rid of my stuff so Pat doesn't have to deal with it. It just doesn't make sense to get rid my clothes, but that's how I feel. It is another thing that makes me not really know myself. As crazy as this sounds, some of the things I've done are just good and smart and others are over the top. Pat says she likes my junk around and that I am not going anywhere and that if she died tomorrow, I would be left with all her junk. And I like her junk around, so there.

Tomorrow I have therapy and Reiki. No shopping for me. It's going to be all on line this year for me. I better get at it - only a few weeks until Christmas and I have a three year old who needs more books and Calico Critters.

So thanks for taking a ride with me tonight, I hope you had an excellent feast and spent time on gratitude. I've been talking a lot today about it, and it really helps.

Warrior Napping

That's what I've got to think of my days as - warrior napping to support my healing and fighting. I went to my first acupuncture appointment today. It was really different than I thought it would be. I thought there would be a lot more needles and that they would be in my abdomen and feet. Nope. Nancy, the acupuncturist, put about six needles in my left ear, one on the top of my head, one in my abdomen and a bunch on my shins. I really felt the one on the top of my head - it was like a full body shiver. That was my feeling the chi. That was it, then I spent about 20 minutes on the table with the needles in, almost fell asleep, and was told to go home and take a nap if I could. She didn't have to tell me twice, as I am becoming an expert in napping. I went home, ate some potato soup and yogurt, hopped into bed and woke up when Pat got home an hour and half later. The idea of the nap was so my chi continues to flow down towards my shins. I am not 100% sure about this last part, but that's what I walked away with. I will be going back next week.

So I have become a person who goes from acupuncture to reflexology to therapy all in the same week. This week, though, Magic Maryann is away so I will be going to Reiki for the first time. I am excited to try this, but know I will be back to reflexology as soon as I can next week. I know all of these complimentary therapies help in ways I can't know. I just know they feel great and I am lucky to have the time and resources to have them.

After I woke up, listened to my new favorite relaxation recording, I met Pat and Bennett at the park. It was a fun 15 minutes before it started to get dark. Bennett and I walked home together and she told me about her day. The word she learned today was "mega." Mom-o let's go mega fast, mega high, you get the picture.

Pat came home from Snow Farm with Zeus who had rolled in manure. He had to have a bath and is still stinky. Why are dogs so disgusting sometimes? And today Laureen came to clean the house, so to have this stinky but clean beast running around in our newly cleaned house seemed wrong in so many ways.

Tomorrow is the day before Thanksgiving. Pat and I have decided not to celebrate. Bennett will be going to Aunt Liz and Aunt Julie's house for a big feast. That's the part that keeps us from wanting to participate, well I should only speak for myself. A big feast with no way to eat any of it seems like torture to me. And right now I am feel so desperate for a feast that I know I would leave the party having eaten too much and not the right things and then I would be in pain. So no party for me this year. I keep reminding myself that this is my year of missing, and if I can get through this year, I will have the joy of doing all the things I didn't get to do this year again. I can hold on for that. Hold on with me, will you?