ChemoCoaster

A ride you never want to go on - the ChemoCoaster. Up and down, up and down and around. For some people it makes you barf your brains out, for others it's just whips you around until you don't know who you are anymore.

That is how I have been feeling. I just don't know who I am anymore. I have this crazy life of going to different therapies and doctors all the time. I have to arrange for ride because I can't really drive for that long, I have to nap at least once a day, I have no hair on my legs (and other places that shall remain nameless), and I don't really want to eat. What? I never understood when people used to say they ate for fuel, now I do. It's pretty much a must do these days, not a big pleasure like it used to be. And I don't get to floss my teeth, for those of you who are not flossers, this is a big deal for those of us who flossed religiously. And I seriously want to want to eat a feast, then floss afterwards.

I had a nice thanksgiving-esque meal, turkey broth from Theo and Pat's pumpkin custard. Isn't that what Tday is about anyway, the bird and the pie and I got a bit of both. Round it out with some potato soup and it was good. The best part of the day was Pat and I got to have time to ourselves. A nap and lots of talking. We agreed it would be best if I lived a long full life. That has got to be my main focus. I am planner and I have been planning for death. I have to admit this. I have been making sure our money is in order, that all paperwork is in both our names, or just Pat's, I even have the room for hospice time picked out. And now I feel like I have to start getting rid of my stuff so Pat doesn't have to deal with it. It just doesn't make sense to get rid my clothes, but that's how I feel. It is another thing that makes me not really know myself. As crazy as this sounds, some of the things I've done are just good and smart and others are over the top. Pat says she likes my junk around and that I am not going anywhere and that if she died tomorrow, I would be left with all her junk. And I like her junk around, so there.

Tomorrow I have therapy and Reiki. No shopping for me. It's going to be all on line this year for me. I better get at it - only a few weeks until Christmas and I have a three year old who needs more books and Calico Critters.

So thanks for taking a ride with me tonight, I hope you had an excellent feast and spent time on gratitude. I've been talking a lot today about it, and it really helps.

Trying to Feed the Ducks

It's been a pretty nice day. Started out with eggs with Bennett and then off to feed the ducks. We went to Mt Tom thinking their would be ducks on Bray Lake, nope. We were headed for the beaver bridge, but 3/4 of the way there, I pooped out. Bennett was very whiney too, so it was a big relief to her to turn around. We saw three ducks, but they were not interested in us one bit. Bennett and Mary threw some bread into the pond to see if they could be enticed, nope, these were wild ducks and didn't want our stinkin' bread. The fish on the other hand, came out of nowhere to eat it all up. For Bennett it wasn't the same, but sufficed.

Then off to Trader Joe's, where Bennett had a total meltdown in the cheese aisle. She is so so so sad that I can't pick her up. I took her by both hands, lead her outside and we had a good cry on the bench in front. A nice lady stopped and opened a package of cookies for B. We spent the entire time Mary was shopping just hanging out on that bench, talking about how sad it is for both of us that I can't pick her up. She is such a great kid, but sometimes the changes are just too much. Too much for all of us, honestly.

There is some good news. While I was neutropenic, I found out all kinds of new things that I am not supposed to do - see the hospital posts for the initial list. Now I find out that I can't floss, be around anyone who has been recently vaccinated, blah blah blah. As if having cancer is not enough to be freaking scared about. Now I have to worry about every bleeping thing around me, every person, every speck of dirt. Shit. This just doesn't seem fair. The good news, which I almost forgot, is I can eat avocado and any other fruit with a thick peel. Someone just has to peel it for me.

I feel like I am supposed to be more grateful, but I have been scared all day. It's the absence of pain that frees my mind to remember the bigger, huger, scarier picture. And I ask myself what I am afraid of and I don't really know. And I remind myself over and over that I have nothing to be afraid of, like Bob's sister says. So why do I feel it? I just don't know. All I can do is ease myself through it and remember to play with Bennett, hold Pat while we sleep, pray and just know that there are no guarantees, period.