Tomorrow's The Day

And I have been wigged out all day. I couldn't even relax during reflexology. The music was wrong, I had terrible thoughts zooming in and out of my mind, it was a bad scene. I called my mom who told me to find something distracting and hard. So I downloaded some puzzles on my Ipad and spent the evening with Bennett doing puzzles. They weren't hard, but they were distracting - as was Bennett and her lovely way.

Aunt Julie will have B while we travel the miles to get to Worcester, return the pump then wait for Dr B. I keep trying to picture him as a saint to help me see him as a benevolent force, but it's hard. Pat and I decided we don't need to know the details of the scans, we just need to know what we are going to do moving forward. If this chemo is not working, then what? If it is, how long do we do it until the next scan or whatever kind of check I am supposed to get?

I have friends who have loved their oncologists. I really wanted that to be true for me too. I want to love Dr B. I want to connect with him and feel like we are working on this project together. I don't know what's missing. I think it must be my aching fear that I suffer from every time I see him. Our very first meeting I had to put my head between my legs to not hyperventilate. I think of myself as pretty tough, but in this case I need softer delivery of information. But really how can this kind of information be delivered any way but how I hear it through the fear-filter.

So I will know a lot more tomorrow and hopefully I will feel like posting it. If I need to hide under the covers and not post, I know you will understand. I am actually doing more stewing than posting, so I should stop soon. I want to be a braver more graceful person. I want to write a post about how we are going to Worcester and are sure we are going to get good news. It's hard to feel that way, when most often it hasn't been true. Maybe tomorrow will be my day where it all turns around and I start to love my oncologist.