The Countdown Begins

This time, in a week, I will be in my hospital room. What will I be doing? Who knows, I hope that someone will be petting my head and God will be holding my hand. I have to admit, I am pretty scared. I haven't done this before, and I like to know what I am getting into before I do something. This is something that is totally beyond my ken. My sage friend Julie asked me today if I could boldly choose the surgery- that I could choose not the have it if I liked.

What?!?!?!

Then I realized she was right. In August was so pissed that I didn't get to have surgery first that I talked about my disappointment on and on. I am sure it got boring. So here I am a week before surgery and I am going to boldly choose the surgery. It is step two to saving my life. And I want to live. I can boldly choose life saving measures, and I just forgot surgery is precisely that - a life saving measure.

I will take my fear and examine it. I will live with it and know that it's all part of going into something totally unknown. I am afraid of being afraid, of being lonely in the hospital, of missing Pat and Bennett, of missing my house. All things I have said before, but they are still with me so I will keep talking about them.

Bennett and I went for a walk in the snow today. Talk about boldly choosing life. She is about as engaged in life as a being can be. In her new mouse hat that I made for her for Christmas (it was supposed to be a dog hat, but she immediately called it a mouse hat, okay by me), we played in the snow. I felt life so keenly, so perfectly wonderful. I must fight for more days like today. Like a flippin' warrior.

Now I Know What I Need

I thought I needed a support group, so I went to one last night. It was awful. It was traumatic. It is up there with the liver biopsy as one of the hardest things that has happened to me during this journey of mine.

I want to make clear that I am a true believer in therapy and 12-step groups and prayer circles and even support groups. And I believe that this support group is right for the people in it. Just count me out. I can't say too much, because the people in that group are people who are truly suffering and my heart really goes out to them. I can say that now I know what I need. I need a room full of joy, song, prayer, and the occasional good cry. I need the messiness of healing and lightness around me.

My sister Janna said that I can't dull my sword facing the enemies of others, that I needed to keep my sword sharp to fight my own enemy. Real truth and power are in those words. I have to fight this beast like the warrior I am. And I am not fighting alone. In those moments when my mind is free, I sometimes hear "I have cancer." So I decided I have to think of other things I have so when that tiny window opens, I can fill it with "I have God," "I have love," "I have Pat," "I have Bennett." I can't tell you how comforting those words are.

I can't leave on a heavy note, it has been a very heavy day. So I write about Bennett. First she has mastered our new iPad. Today she turned it on, opened it, booted up Netflix, found Caillou (a PBS cartoon about a 4-year old) and started the show all by herself. She turned to me and said, "Look Mom-o, I found Caillou." I might have to password protect the iPad...

Second we were goofing around and she said to Pat, "Come here, Mama, I am going to tickle you, I am going to tickle your arm peach."