Happy Boxing Day

I am not really sure what Boxing Day is, but I know my sister, Mary, who lives in England is having a jolly good time about now. I had a good Boxing Day, celebrated by going to church and spending most of the day with Bennett and the Ipad. The storm is here, and it is very quiet except the wind and the plows.

So that means it's up in the air about getting to Worcester for my pre-op testing tomorrow. I will call them in the morning and see if they are up and running, then we will make a decision about safety, etc. I am anxious to get the tests done and then on to what feels like my last week of freedom.

I know I am supposed to keep my head out of the future, that Nancy would say that the future is God's business, but I am anticipating a lot of time healing and having to be still and quiet. I am trying not to think about pain, because I know that those folks at UMASS are expert at pain management and I will not be in pain if they can help it. So let me stay out of god's business and stay in today.

This is what I have today. I have a loving and lovely family - and extended family and friends. I have a beautiful Christmas tree and a funny dog who loves me. I have two cats who are a pain, but are fuzzy and sweet. I have good friends who love me and call every day to see how I am doing. I have a sister who is willing to come to help me for three weeks of her life. What gifts are these? How can my life be so good while I fear losing it?  I just have to remind myself over and over that I am not dead, that my life is still in me. That I am here and the fear is welcome to get the hell out of here.

Merry Christmas

And it was. We all woke up this morning and were having a good cuddle when Bennett realized it was actually Christmas morning. It took a full two seconds for her to run out of the bedroom and start at the presents. She was done pretty quickly and we had fun playing with her stuff all day. She cried really hard when her tribe of Aunties left. She loves her new scooter and rode it back and forth through the house all day. We also watched Willie Wonka and tried to get her to use the potty. It was a BIG day.

I am trying my absolute best to try to stay present and really be in this big day. Nancy, my acupuncturist, says that I cannot fully engage in my life if I am constantly steeling myself against my sadness and anxiety. So I remind myself that I am alive today, that I have to give the future (even the next minute) to God so I can be held through all of this.

We are getting a storm tomorrow. I just looked at weather.gov and it says 9-13 inches possible. Well, that makes up for the lack of snow so far. Snow Monday too. That makes me a little nervous for travelling to Worcester for the pre-op visit, but the MassPike should be okay. And here I am worrying about the future, when I said I was trying not to. Let it go, already, will you?

You Got the C-A-N Right

This from my friend Julie after telling her that I had been thinking about starting a blog about CANning. But you get cancer instead. With maybe a little canning here and there. My sister Mary who lives in England and I used to email and call each other all the time about canning, but now we talk about, well, not canning.

I do vow to can two more things this year - hot peppers and pickled carrots. Let me assure you all that I started the year with lots of preserving. Two kinds of pickled ramps (wild leeks), rhubarb jam and relish, blueberry and raspberry jam, pickle relish and pickled green garlic. I wonder if wondering if I will be here next year to eat the pickles makes me not want to make them. I call those gallows thoughts. Of course I will be here, of course I will be eating and of course I will want to have toast with jam with Bennett. It's just the fear talking.

Fear is so sneaky and mean. I suggest avoiding it whenever possible.

As I write, there is a huge summer storm. The sky black, streaks of light and booming. Bennett calmly reading a book and Theo in the half-finished bedroom looking at what we need so she can magically do all the trim for us. Today she is my hero- willing to just do it all and be patient with me when I don't know what I want. I know what she does will be gorgeous.

Later tonight I will post photos from our aquarium trip.