Then I got the mail and in it was a lot of information about my pre-op appointment and Hope Lodge. Hope Lodge is the house sponsored by the American Cancer Society where cancer patients and their caregivers can stay when they need to. My surgeon's secretary arranged for Mary and Pat to have access to a room for the week I will be in the hospital. I will stay there the night before surgery with either Pat or Mary. We all have to decide what makes the most sense and what is best for Bennett who is not allow to come to Hope Lodge. They host bone marrow transplant folks, so there is a ban on kids and pets. I am not sure what about all this information made me so anxious and cranky, it's probably just the reality of it all. And I feel so good, so normal physically, better than I have in months. It is really hard to think that I am going to have to give it up. Not just for chemo, which I now realize is like being hungover all the time, but for surgery. Yikes. And I mean really yikes.
Pat reminded me that the recovery time is finite, that she and Mary will be here to help and that I am a fast healer. Bennett will be fine. But what about me? I have been so worried about how Bennett is going to miss me, that I forgot that I am going to miss her. And Pat. I am going to miss my ne'er do well dog and attention seeking kitties, and my cozy house. I've already spent two weeks in the hospital in 2010, I remember how hard it is to get any sleep, how loud everything is, how there is no place to walk but they want you to walk to build strength. Those walks are like walking through everyone's business while showing everyone your business.
I have to find a way to dread this less. I was going to say, I have to find a way to look forward to this. And now that I write that, it doesn't seem so weird, I am going to leave the hospital with far less cancer in my body than I have now. That's a great thing to look forward to. I will also stop having pain from the primary tumor - which is a low constant presence. That's pretty good. And maybe I will have a nice roommate. Who knows. Maybe I can start looking at the bright side tonight.
I remember being afraid of my arm surgery--I'd never been cut open before, so I understand your fear. It will be great getting that nasty tumor out of there. If you have wireless in the hospital and Liz or I is visiting you and the other is with Bennett somewhere with wireless, you can see each other when you talk on our iPhones. You can also do that with Skype if you have two computers with cameras.
ReplyDeleteI love the awning and am looking forward to seeing it in person.
ReplyDeleteWe need to get three sets of those eye shades that Pat got for me last time. One for you in hospital. One for me and one for John. I lost the last pair. They'll be great in the hospital. I'll bring my noise cancelling headset for you too.
Love you lots.
"Those walks are like walking through everyone's business while showing everyone your business." ...this gave me a giggle.
ReplyDeleteI look forward to seeing the sunlight through the awning.