Post 410

That's a high number. Higher than I thought. And higher than I want it to be. I have been feeling very mortal today. And super grumpy. I slept in late and that didn't help. Going to see B's school's performance helped a little. It was nice to see all the little kids dressed up with bow ties and flowers in their hair. The best part was the little girl who needed to pee and held herself the whole time, the boy who picked his nose and the other little boy who crossed his arms and sort of gave the audience a dirty look the entire time. I am sure I am supposed to think the singing was the best part, but those glimpses into humanity really reminded me to lighten up a little.

We came home and all B wanted to do was hang out in her jammies. I was totally in on that with her. So we watched some Christmas movies, ate snacks and cuddled. She asked me to marry her again. It's hard to break the news to her that I am already married and that moms don't usually marry their kids. I appreciate the sentiment though - she said it would be a good thing because we are so alike and like each other so much. How sweet is that?

And how can that not get me out of my bad mood? I don't know. I think I am just having an angry day and part of that looks like wanting to just be alone on the top bunk, not looking at anyone. Because the story I have made up in my head is that everyone has more time to live than I do. And that is hard for me to take. Of course we don't really know how long we will live. But I have been having abdominal pain for the past three days, and it's a little harder to breathe than it used to be. Either the tumors are growing or I am getting too fat. I guess we will find out.

It's a pretty scary time for me. I am not going to pretend that it's not. The fear makes it hard to do things that I want to do. So then I feel bad for wasting my precious time. It's really shitty. That's all I can say.